I am not even sure I am going to post this so if I do just beware.. its a lot of ranting. However this is my escape. My way of letting everything go and be said. There are only 2 ways that I can get rid of this stress and my nerves just so freakin tight that I want to scream and throw something across the room... and the 2 ways are 1) PRAY and 2) WRITE.
So the reason I am not sure about posting this is because I have promised to make these blog entires about different stuff and not about my life and situation. But sometimes, its good to be real. And I like being real. It helps me get out what I need to. So here goes..
Everyone knows I dont have a job. My unemployment is on hold right now.. at least until Monday so Ramon and I are.. well you know the saying.. I dont feel the need to write it. But do you ever let something get to you so bad that you think you are good. That everything is fine and as long as you have a smile on your face that its okay. You know you are going to make it through it and you just keep going the best you can. And then something tips it. That little thing that has been sitting there waiting to cross the line into serious nerve breakdown. Well yea. For me, it was a little thing called a haircut. My hair needs cut. Like seriously. Like so bad I cannot do a thing about it. I would rather just stick on a hat everywhere. And I am not brave enough to try and trim it myself. I mean I guess it couldnt get any worse. Okay, so I may be exaggerating a little. But the whole point, is that I was really looking forward to it looking nice again. And I had to cancel. Because we cannot afford it. And that peoples, is the tipping of the whatever that just started to eat at my nerves today. And thank goodness I have not had anything in my hand or it would have been thrown across the room. So to say that I am on edge today is probably an understatement. So what do I do to not be so angry and grumpy and yelling at everything in my house even though there are no living things with me right now... yea that is sort of embarassing.. however.. what do I do? Besides cry I sit and I literally shake. Im serious. When I say my nerves are pushed I think they are literally shaking inside my body. so then I PRAY and I WRITE. So while I will look back at this post later and probably regret posting it.. I am going to anyhow. I like to be real with you all and this is what is happening right now. So Im blabbering however, I feel some better. I guess as long as I dont look in the mirror and then I think, oh crap! I have to pick my son up at school so I have to look decent. And then I think , oh crap! I have somewhere to be tonight and possibly see people I havent seen in a while and of course I have to look better than decent. Crud. Just crud.
So I know some people say this to take this and turn it in to something productive. Okay. No. Thats not happening. People that say crazy things like that have never possibly had to cancel a haircut. I mean because is what it comes down to. Okay, call me crazy. But I really dont know what else could happen. And as soon as I say that, something else will. This whole life throwing us things is not too good. I mean it really has thrown everything at us and we are catching it and wishing I could throw it back. Not at anyone but just throw it back. You name it, its probably happened. And not just over time but like in the last 2 weeks or even shorter time frame than that. And when it all bottles up inside of you, its going to explode sometime. And I guess this morning was time for it to go off. So as for the rest of the day, I just feel sorry for the non living things in my house because they are going to experience the worst of it. And they will see me cry. And they will hear me scream for no reason. ButI guess its good that all of this will pass before I go get my son and my husband comes home and then we head out. Maybe I can put makeup on without looking at my hair. Because of course, it will probably spark something again.
Okay.. so thats it. Dont judge. I am sure everyone has these days and that everyone can relate somehow. I just write and get it out. I have always done that. Maybe I shouldnt have done it on here but oh well. Luckily my faith in God is strong. And there are several verses from the Bible that I keep repeating in my head to calm me down. I know he is looking over us. And I know that through friends and family. I will never understand why we just keep getting hit over the head so many times but there is a reason. And one day, I hope to see it. So as I continusly pray today and cry and scream, my faith will not be shaken. I will not let it be. So as bad as this post may sound, know that inside, is God. Is faith. Is love. Is understanding. Is confused. But is also loved. And also loves back. Is passionate about so many things. Is going to be okay. And is much less stressful than I was at the beginning of this post. Its going to be alright.
Much love=)
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