Its the dash in the middle

I was an avid Glee watcher. Being a music and musical theatre geek made me love it even more. But there were times on that show that I not only remember the music but some of the things the characters would say. In the episode, "The Quarterback" all of the cast members share their memories about Finn. (Who actually passed away in real life) The one line that stands out the most was said by Puck (who also recently passed away)

"You know whats tripping me out is this line between the two years.It's his whole life. Everything that happened is in that line."

I never thought about how much is said about your life in that line. It represents everything about you. EVERYTHING. And that hit me hard. Sure its just a line. But that line was your life. It was how you lived. It was how people saw you. It was what you were known for. It was the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the moments you want to forget and the moments you want to cherish for forever. No matter how old you are when that line is followed by a date, the line is the same length for everyone. People know you and remember you for different things. But what do you want to be known for? What do you want that line to say about you? Is that line filled with happiness, regrets, sadness, hatred, or is it filled with love, laughter, and ceasing every moment you could. So every day you get a chance to live, think about that line in the middle. Its already there. What do you want it to say about you?

BA=)

To Say Goodbye

My recording of this song! To Say Goodbye


Many and most of you all know I sing on an app. Well these apps run competitions and my for this week had to be a song performed by an original artist who had passed away. My mind drew a blank and I finally was like I am just gonna look up one and learn it. My mind went directly to Rory.  A dedicated mother, wife, and Christian who shared her battle with cancer, eventually losing her battle. The song When Im Gone is breathtaking but I wanted to learn something new. So I literally just closed my eyes and clicked. To Say Goodbye is a simple song. No complicated parts. And your standard, verse then chorus then verse then chorus a tag then the end. But the lyrics simply wowed me. If you have a chance the link above is my recording of it. And these are the lyrics:

He said "I'll call you hon when I get there"
Ten minutes later he was in the air
She dropped the kids at school and headed home
Walked in and turned the front room TV on

She could tell that there was something wrong
Every channel had the same thing on
Now seven years have come and gone away
But she's still hurtin' like it's yesterday...

'Cuz she wants to put her arms around his neck, and look in his eyes so blue
And say "Honey I don't regret a single day I spent with you"
She wants to tell him that she loves him so, and will until the day she dies
It ain't that she can't let him go, she just wants to say goodbye

He sits beside her in the nursing home
Through her silver hair, he runs a comb
He hangs their wedding picture on the wall
She don't remember who he is at all

He tells her stories 'bout the life they've lived
From their first kiss to their last grandkids
For seven months now she just sits and stares
But if she wakes up, he's gonna be right there...

'Cuz he wants to put his arms around her neck, and look in her eyes so blue
And say "Honey I won't forget a single day I've spent with you"
He wants to tell her that he loves her so, and will until the day he dies
It ain't that he can't let her go, he just wants to say goodbye

No, it ain't that we can't let 'em go... we just want to say goodbye

Music and lyrics have always been a part of me. I write songs from time to time just to express emotion. Like it becomes my escape. This song just struck a cord with me for some reason tonight. How true is this song? How many times do you wish you could have just said goodbye. And what if you had the chance but something got in the way and you didnt. I am one to try and take every moment I can to let those around me know how I feel. Having experienced that years ago, it opened a brand new light in my life. I try and not let moments pass. If I wanna see someone, I will do anything I can to make that happen. We hear it all the time. Nobody is guaranteed tomorrow. You never know when that moment is going to happen. Your phone rings. Or theres a knock at your door. Or even turning to social media to find out the news. Then your mind goes back to the last time you saw them or talked to them. What was that last moment you had with them? Did you skip out on a phone call or did you skip out on a time you could have spent time with them? I dont want to have those questions. I want to know that I did everything I could to nothing but be as good as them as I could have been. I dont want to kick myself for missing chances or missing time with them. We get so busy. Life in general takes over and we just put things off. We can do it tomorrow. Or we will do it next week. But next thing you know that day comes and while the other person waits, you're tired and you just dont have the time for them. When did life become so hectic that all of this material stuff comes before finding the time to be a mom, a friend, a daughter , a spouse... When did those things start to slip away. Sure, we have to work, We have to sleep. But did you ever think that even a phone call, a letter or even a text to say hey, just thinking about you. Do you know how meaningful those words can be to someone? We might not ever know. I have let friends come and go. And some of the best friends I have had. Just simply because someone else or something got in the way, Days turns into weeks and weeks turn into months and before you know it, its like wow, when is the last time I did talk to her?
Im as guilty as anyone. And its horrible to think that it takes something tragic to happen for it to open our eyes. Not tragic to someone else, but it has to personally happen to us. We all think we are safe. We all thing that it will never happen. But its simple we just dont know. So pick up the phone, write a letter, send a card or simply spend some time with a friend. Play that role in your life. Be that mom. Be that spouse. Be that friend. Just be that someone whose lifes are not filled with what ifs and regrets. Be that someone. 

Be you.

So thats why?

"Everything happens for a reason." Its one of those phrases that you either believe or dont believe. Most of the time it is said to someone who is going through a hard time. I cant tell you how many times it was said to me and although the thoughts in my head were far from what I actually said, I just shook my head with a facial expression that Im sure said something else. But I was thinking about this today for some reason. Its funny to go back and think of all the bad things that have happened and what I actually gained from it. And then you can go back even further and even one different move in your past could have actually effected your whole life. So while that phrase can be a thorn in your side at the moment, it can actually help you also realize how you got to where you are. Now there are still some things that I dont understand and am still dealing with but for the most part, there are people in life now that I would have never had known if not for past events. And a lot of God has intervened and made it possible. For example, if I hadnt had of switched churches, I would have never helped out at VBS. Then I would have met two certain people and I would have never had been able to make such a good friend out of it. Also I would have never got the chance to attend this awesome Bible study we are doing and also I would have never met a pretty amazing guy. I could even go back further than that but to save you all from yawning I wont. I try not to say I regret whats happened in my past because it has made me the person I am today. All the tears and feeling alone were worth if it got me this far. God will never leave us alone but sometimes we have to go through trials to learn to depend on him. I look at what I have in my life right now. And who is in my life. And I dont try to ask why. I just say thank you. Because a lot of doubts and questions filled me before and now some of them are being answered and I owe nothing to myself but I owe it to God for reminding me that he is always there. And I dont know what plans he has for me. But I do know as long as trust and believe that he is able that everything will be okay=)

My New Years Resolution - Not To Have One

So how many of you made New Years Resolutions? How many of you have kept them? How many have not? This is not a post to make you feel bad or not to say you won't keep them.  This is my post to say my new years resolution is. notta. Zilch. Nothing. Not to say there are things I do want to see happen, but I have a hard time facing failure. Simply put, there are days when thats all I can see. So why would I want to say to myself that Im going to do this and then tell a bunch of people the same thing. And in a couple of days, weeks, months or whenever the time frame be, tell the same people. including myself, that I had indeed not kept it, or failed. I just do not want to set myself up something that I am not sure I can keep. Now yes there are some great ones out there. And there are def reachable ones. But they can become stuff I strive for. They can become goals but I don't set a deadline. Deadlines just pressure me and  then I tend not to do them. Like when someone is yelling at me to do something then and now, I just all of a sudden don't want to do it. And the more its repeated the more I rebel. I have always been like that. I dont like doing things when people tell me to do them. I feel like they have no faith in me to get stuff done without being told constantly. So in return, I don't do it. Then after a time passes. I will get this sudden burst of okay I am now going to do it. And I will. I just dont like pressure. I dont like being pushed to do stuff when I know Im capable. This gives me no chance to prove to anyone I am first of an adult and second of all that I dont have to be reminded thirty thousand times in the span of 10 minutes that something is waiting on me. I have eyes and ears and senses. I can see that. I don't know if its a part of me I will ever be able just to lay aside and do it but until then, even when myself is yelling at myself,  its just in one ear and out the other. Now to me, doing it before being told would be the correct thing. I know that. And yes its something I need to work on. Point being, this is an ongoing thing and a goal I can set for myself. But I will not call it a New Years resolution. That would be a hard one to explain anyhow lol. Everyone has the common ones. Where yes I have those too but again, I dont set it in my head or even in my planners as a set date and time that I want it to be done.
Patience. It is something I lack. I have patience for stranger things but I do not have patience when it comes it comes to life in general. I mean, who really does? How many times a day do you get frustrated because you have to wait on something. Even as small as your phone to charge or your coffee to be ready. When you stop and think about it, patience is a virtue many of us lack. Mine goes into deeper territory as in when is my life finally going to get into order. And Im inpatient over things I cannot control. But when you stop and think about past things that you have waited for, then it seems to be worth the wait. But its only until after those things come back that you can truly say that. And while you are waiting, we just have to believe that the timing is somehow making things come together. That certain things have to happen before the final product is ready. And sometimes these things can and will take longer than we like. Its just life. And something we have to accept. I dont like it. I dont want to accept it but if life is teaching me anything it is def patience. But I can also say that I think the lesson has gone on long enough and Im ready now. LOL.
To those of you who have set a New Years Resolution, I hope you keep it and meet it. And for those like me, maybe you can find something to try and reach for and finally get it. And maybe your patience will pay off. And hopefully 2018 will be much better than 2017 and the years before that.

BA

Another and And Another year has past...

First of all I cannot believe I finally got logged back in here! I was trying to set up a new one but so glad I got this one back! Something about going back and reading some of these is pretty amazing.
Second of all, I really do hope to get back in the habit of keeping this updated. I used to receive so much positive feedback and encouragement, from people I didn't even know, and that meant so much to me!
So yes another year has gone by and again, a year of ups and downs and what ifs and a lot of shoulder shrugging. And I cannot say much has changed. Drew is in double digits now. My sister is in North Carolina and I am still, yes in the same living situation. This disability case is at least making some progress. Whether towards good or bad, I am not sure. All I can do is keep praying that something will turn out right. It seems like every where I turn, something messes up. And although always not all my fault, I seem to always place the blame on me. I would just rather take the hit then see someone else suffer through it.
So I don't set New Years Resolutions. It always makes me feel pressured to get it done. Like I tell 20 people this is what I am going to do and then when I don't do it, it's even worse acknowledging the fact that I failed. And that is not something needs to have on their shoulders at all. So I set more manageable goals. Like small things. Things I know that I can do and keep doing throughout the year. And most of the time they stay written in my journal as a reminder to me that I can do it.
I think of all the crud I caught this past year, though, I have learned  many lessons from them. I guess the most important one, and the one I was missing the whole time, was to basically just be me. If you can find yourself and do what makes you happy, then that should be what matters. Your happiness should never be dependent on anyone else. You are the only one that knows you. You know what makes you smile, laugh and enjoy life. Now while sharing that with others is a wonderful thing, you overall, are the one that sets that goal for you. So be happy. If you have to go back a couple of years to a place where life was good and even though there may have been struggles, you fought through them. Even if you have to go back 10 or more years. Find that person and be that person. For me that person was in high school. And some even years after. But I was surrounded by people I loved. Even though situations were different, I can still pick out moments, and things that made me smile every day. And those still exist. So thats my goal. To find that girl. To find that person that smiled and laughed every day and found the sunshine when it was raining. There has to be a rainbow somewhere. And even though, as i type this, I havent seen it yet, I know that the promise is there. And I know that I will get there. And I know I am not alone. One of other other things I am doing in my journal is writing at least one thing I am thankful for. Each day. And therefore in a couple of months, I can go back and look at the things I am the most grateful for. Cause I am. I am very blessed and even though I tend to forget it, its never too far away.
So I hope that for the new year, whatever your resolution be or goals be, that you stay motivated. And dont think yourself as a failure if you dont meet them. It just gives you an opportunity to do it again. But most overall, be happy. Stay positive and see that rainbow. Because even though you may be struggling right now, you are strong enough to handle it. Happy New Year everyone!

BA

Another year has gone...

So its 2017. A new year and new outlook. I havent done such a grand job of keeping up with this. I was on a roll then bam! Everything came to hault. Well yea pretty much everything. So I apologize for my slacking and maybe get this going again.

So what have you missed while I have been keeping you all in the dark? Well not much. Still in the same position I was this time last year. I guess the only difference is I am back with my parents again while my bestie moved to Texas. Yes people, Texas. Over 13 hours away. It was soo hard saying goodbye but it had to be done. He has a new job and is closer to his family. He seems to be happier. Things were just not going right. So Im glad  ( okay well not too glad ) that he has found a place and a job and seems to be on a great track. I however am still stuck in the mud at moment. But I will slowly come out.

Which brings me to the point. The reason I wanted to start this over again. So this last year has been hard. It has had its ups and plenty of downs. Probably more of the downs but I promised myself not to focus on those as much.

So I have a lot on my plate. A lot that I havent really faced face to face. Things I keep putting in the back of my mind. Like when theres that food on your plate and you keep eating around it. You have thrown it out so many times but finally someone makes you taste it. And you either go in full force and throw it down so you wont have to taste it. Or you just pick until its either gone or you get throw it away again. But it will always re appear. Until you deal with it, it will always be there. For me, my plate is full and probably overflowing to another plate. And I keep raking it in the trash. And it keeps coming back. I dont want to deal. That would put me in the position of having to do or say things Im not ready to. Cause I know the outcome, I always do. And as much as I want to at least one time in my life to be wrong, I would be right. Its like you know whats going to happen so why actually do it? 

Okay so there are a million reasons to but I see the one reason not to. I dont wanna. I simply dont want to bring up something Ive been ignoring for the past year just to revisit it again in real life. I can have the conversation with myself. I can tell myself the answer and let it slide right? 

Okay so no. Why do we do this to ourselves? I mean hello. I am living proof that life can cut off at any given time. Why not hold on to some sort of hope that there may be good come out of things. But when you get hit in the head so many times its like nope. And you sulk and you pout and you sing pathetic songs just to drag yourself down again. 

So I guess I have to face them. And its nothing bad. Its not like Im gonna be hauled off somewhere. It has to do with more me and only me. Yes the conversation where I sit down and talk to myself. And listen. And not bypass it. 

So my new year resolution? To be honest with myself. To kick myself in the butt. To tell myself what I would tell anyone. To finally face stuff. To get over stuff. To move on. To be happy. To be gracious. All of that and more.. so another new year and another new ride. We will see where I end up.

Till next time..

Whoa! What just happened??

Did my life actually take a turn for the better? When all of a sudden the future seemed so doomed, something happened. Eric moved last Tuesday which was horrible. It was a bad night and he didnt even want to see me to say goodbye which killed me. BUT the same night I met a guy. Yes a guy. And for the first time, we sat at at coffee shop at talked for like 3 hours. And the conversation just flowed. I felt at ease and I was so nervous before I got there. But it was wonderful. And all these things I had in mind that I would see other couples do on "dates" I always remember saying, I want that. And guess what.. he asked me out again. He is a couple years older but does not like it. So if I feel like it, we are supposed to be going putt putt golfing. Which is awesome. Only issues is now my health comes into play. I am still not over my infection and they want to me go to U of L ER and more than likely be admitted. So they can figure out what to do. They can do better than SJE or any other hospitals around here. They are also referring me to Cleveland Clinic to see if they can give me some answers. Which Im glad of because I am miserable from the pain and discomfort. But also scared Im gonna lose the one chance of meeting and getting to know someone great. Im broken. But he seemed to understand the not working and disability and stuff. And living with my parents so that was a plus. Its just life yay for getting me fixed and yay for finding someone great so far. What the crap? Is life playing tricks again?
I will keep this short but just wanted to fill everyone in. I miss Eric like crazy but we still keep in touch. And this other guy, if its in Gods will, he will understand.

Cya!