First of all I cannot believe I finally got logged back in here! I was trying to set up a new one but so glad I got this one back! Something about going back and reading some of these is pretty amazing.
Second of all, I really do hope to get back in the habit of keeping this updated. I used to receive so much positive feedback and encouragement, from people I didn't even know, and that meant so much to me!
So yes another year has gone by and again, a year of ups and downs and what ifs and a lot of shoulder shrugging. And I cannot say much has changed. Drew is in double digits now. My sister is in North Carolina and I am still, yes in the same living situation. This disability case is at least making some progress. Whether towards good or bad, I am not sure. All I can do is keep praying that something will turn out right. It seems like every where I turn, something messes up. And although always not all my fault, I seem to always place the blame on me. I would just rather take the hit then see someone else suffer through it.
So I don't set New Years Resolutions. It always makes me feel pressured to get it done. Like I tell 20 people this is what I am going to do and then when I don't do it, it's even worse acknowledging the fact that I failed. And that is not something needs to have on their shoulders at all. So I set more manageable goals. Like small things. Things I know that I can do and keep doing throughout the year. And most of the time they stay written in my journal as a reminder to me that I can do it.
I think of all the crud I caught this past year, though, I have learned many lessons from them. I guess the most important one, and the one I was missing the whole time, was to basically just be me. If you can find yourself and do what makes you happy, then that should be what matters. Your happiness should never be dependent on anyone else. You are the only one that knows you. You know what makes you smile, laugh and enjoy life. Now while sharing that with others is a wonderful thing, you overall, are the one that sets that goal for you. So be happy. If you have to go back a couple of years to a place where life was good and even though there may have been struggles, you fought through them. Even if you have to go back 10 or more years. Find that person and be that person. For me that person was in high school. And some even years after. But I was surrounded by people I loved. Even though situations were different, I can still pick out moments, and things that made me smile every day. And those still exist. So thats my goal. To find that girl. To find that person that smiled and laughed every day and found the sunshine when it was raining. There has to be a rainbow somewhere. And even though, as i type this, I havent seen it yet, I know that the promise is there. And I know that I will get there. And I know I am not alone. One of other other things I am doing in my journal is writing at least one thing I am thankful for. Each day. And therefore in a couple of months, I can go back and look at the things I am the most grateful for. Cause I am. I am very blessed and even though I tend to forget it, its never too far away.
So I hope that for the new year, whatever your resolution be or goals be, that you stay motivated. And dont think yourself as a failure if you dont meet them. It just gives you an opportunity to do it again. But most overall, be happy. Stay positive and see that rainbow. Because even though you may be struggling right now, you are strong enough to handle it. Happy New Year everyone!
BA
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