So we have hit 2014. Well, we hit it a couple of months ago but given this is my first post of the new year, Happy New Year!! So while I would have loved to start this post out by saying how great this year is going, I can't lie. I lost my job again, have already been in the hospital and have had some bad blood work results. Yea my year is starting off great.
I have tried to make the best of it. By doing more around the house and my husband I joined a gym and started working on our health. I am proud of him and can't wait to see where we both are in 6 months. On top of that, I am doing Weight Watchers again because this has proved successful for me in the past.
I was talking to a friend as almost all of this was going on. And I looked at him and told him I don't know if I can handle it anymore and how strong I couldn't be. I just needed to break down. His response was simple, " You need to break every now and then." The more I thought of this, the more I thought it was a little silly. I needed to break? Wasn't I supposed to stay strong for my family, for my son, for me? It would be so much easier to not but aren't we supposed to face life's challenges standing straight up?
Maybe this wasn't life's challenge. Maybe this was God's challenge. But even so, I had enough already. And each time it just gets harder. So maybe I needed to break. Maybe I needed to show God that I was broken and I needed him to put me back together. Whats the point of acting like you have it together when inside, you have nothing left. I admit, this has been the hardest time for me. Even when I look at the past, I just can't seem to wrap any rhyme or reason around what has happened. So one day, while I was here alone, I broke down. I got on my knees in the middle of my living room floor and just let it go. I talked to God and probably in some form, screamed at him. And then I rose and I sang to him. All within 10 minutes of each other. Only he can understand what was going on in my heart. And why this had to be done.
To this day, my favorite song has always been " Held" by Natalie Grant. I have said it in previous posts, but this song is true and says the truth.
This is what it means, to be held. How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive.
This is what is is, to be loved, and to know, that the promise is, when everything fails, we'd be held.
Im glad he he promised us this. This is why we can break down. This is why we don't have to be strong for anyone. He is holding us through good and bad times. But most all, when we break down, he is still holding us.
So my friend was exactly right, I needed to break down. I needed to let God see that side and then let him begin the healing process. He just needs to start putting me back together for his will. In his eyes. And in the meantime, my family will do just fine=)
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