Catching Up...

So this past weekend I had the pleasure of catching up with an old friend. And by catching up, I mean a 3 hour phone conversation. It was one of those things that you just feel like God put that conversation there to give you hope. She has to be one of the most inspirational people I know and she never ceases to amaze me with how much she relies on God for EVERYTHING. Just to listen to her story on how she met her husband and how they paid for it was simply astounding. She is living proof that when you surround yourself with God and surrender your all, that Gods plan for you starts to unravel.
I also talked to another friend whose words sort of shook me a bit. It was something along the lines of  you need to fill yourself with God first and foremost. Between her and him, it was like Gods way of saying, Beth slow down and look to me.
I know he has a plan. I know theres someone out there for me. But I am not going to go search. When God is ready for me to meet him, he will somehow place him in my life. Who knows? I may not meet him for another month, year or years..or I may already know him. But when I get to that point of filling myself with him and giving it up to him. then I know I will be ready. I don't know how long that will be and right now I don't need to focus on that. I am not proud of being divorced twice but I can also say it wasn't me. I know God hates divorce but when you are left with no other reason then thats it.
I have been struggling with finding a good study or devotional on just using God to plan your life. But when it comes right down to it, I am also still struggling with getting over this divorce. These past 4 weeks or so have been great. I haven't shed a tear. And Im happy. I can genuinely say, Im happy. My job is wonderful. The people there do nothing but make me laugh and smile. Im impressing my bosses and everything is dandy. And I know God had a hand in that. Again, he knew I was going to need something to take my mind off of everything and with this job he has. But I still have to face him in a couple of weeks for the first time and I know its gonna be rough. So I know I still need to deal with this. Ive been going at it all wrong by just hiding my feelings inside. For those of you that read my blog , you would probably disagree, however, I never talked to anyone and just sort of cried it out. I had some time today after work so I stopped and was looking for a devotional of some sort. I wasn't sure really which one I should be looking after so I just browsed.
For those of you who attend church or maybe not, have probably heard of Celebrate Recovery. It was actually the first service I started singing at when I first started attending Calvary. It was amazing. To see the people lifting all they had to God and singing like it was they had. And for some, it may have very well been all that they had. A pastor of mine suggested that I attend a session or two after the divorce. I was hesitant given the fact that I thought it was just for people with addictions like to alcohol and drugs. etc.. I didn't need that. And I never gave it a second thought.
But as I was browsing the books, the Celebrate Recovery Devotional was sitting there like it was saying at least pick me up. And that I did. And as I read through it, I realized I was so wrong. WhatI had assumed was so far from the truth. I am starting the first chapter tonight. I may not be addicted to anything but for me its no drugs or alcohol running my life, its me. Im running the show. Im pretty sure I will come out of this a stronger Christian. And thats my prayer for me.
These 2 friends came at the right time. And while I won't mention their names, Im forever grateful.

Day 1

Well... this is it. Day 1 of my new life. No nothing new has changed but my outlook. After the last blog, I was contacted by Ramon through a Facebook message. I will not relay the contents but they were not nice. In fact if it were his point to make me feel like crap, he did so. Some of the things he said and the way he said them hit me hard. To a point to where I didn't even know who he was anymore. This whole divorce has turned ugly. And in parts, have turned me ugly in return. I don't regret any blog spots or Facebook things I have said just because. Thats who I am and I can't go back and let him question anything I have done. He hurt me bad and this last thing hurt me the worst. But it was sort of for the good. It helped me realize that all my tears were for something but not him. Now all I want to do is get this over and done and let me live my life.

This morning at church I was struck hard. Sometimes when you are listening to the message, you hear a different message that God was trying to tell you. Everything I have done or said in the last couple of months was done out of spite. I was mad and I wanted everyone to know what he did. And I did. But in all honesty, thats me. I not only wear my heart on my sleeve but my anger, happiness, anything else. Everyone will see it. I have always been that way. Not how to tame that, I am working on it. Like I said I don't regret it but in the future, I will know how to manage it better.

Back to this morning, I feel like God was trying to tell me that I need to take what has happened and burn it. Learn from it what I can, the good, and take that with me. But in no way should I have let Ramon test my faith and spirituality. I let him to get me and I doubted God so much. How he could have let me go through this again. I will know in time why. But my patience wore thin and I almost blamed him. I say almost, because things happened in between that shed some light. Ramon did a lot for me that was good. He showed me I could love again. That I could trust again. ( Although that was pretty much shattered at the end ) But I also learned that once again, I could stand tall. I could come out of this and out everything in the past. Our marriage was great. And that what I have to focus on. I can't look at him like the way I wanted everyone to look at him. Theres a song that Carolyn Dawn Johnson sang and it was basically a song about concentrating on remembering all of the good things not the bad. So for anyone reading this that is related to Ramon, a friend or Ramon himself, I will remember the good times. And even though I don't agree and that in Gods eyes, I did everything I could as a Christian and a wife could do, I did not sin. God hates divorces and so do I. But it became a one sided want and he didnt want anything else to do with me. If anything I wanted to get mad. I wanted to hate Ramon. But I couldn't. But my love for him is fading and I can now do things without thinking of him. And Im good. I am in the middle of writing a final letter to him. And its taking me almost weeks because of the wording. And because I don't want my goodbye to be a hating kind of thing. His goodbye to me,well, we won't go there. But I have to be the good person. I have prayed over and over again for me just to let this part of my life go. And I have . I think this morning God was tugging at my heart saying, I am here. And that I need to become the Christian I have always longed to be. 

Everyone always wants to be the best. I consider myself a good singer. Thats the talent that God has provided me with. I want to the best. But I want to have him move through me and place me in places that I can move through other people as well. My whole life needs to take a turn and serious turn back to God. I have let it slip and let the devil get the best of me through actions, words. etc. I can't take back what I did or what I said. I can't look at Ramon and know that what he's doing is for the best because I still disagree. But I can't change his mind. Only God can control this situation. Finally, I feel peace. As for Ramon and his family, I can only pray that God will show him peace as well. I will never know because all my ties, Im cutting off. I will only see him to finalize everything and my last goodbye is still being written. I am okay with that. Finally, I can say, I am good. I am happy. I am peaceful. And through the message, whether it was James preaching or God preaching to me, I smiled. I can't wait to see what he has in store for me. And in time, I will begin to see. And my family and Drew will being to see. In the mean time, Im concentrating on my son, my family, my job and my health. Why fight a a fight I can't win? And now I don't even want to win. I am done.

So I still have to lot to deal with but its with a smile on my face now. And God behind me. This week I have laughed and smiled more than I have in a while. And yea Im bragging about it. But even my son told me he's glad to see me smile.

I am blessed beyond belief. My sister and her family are in the for the week. And tonight we are celebrating Fathers Day by having a supper together. But I am celebrating my family. And an old friend came back to town. So thats a plus. My job is wonderful and my son is just precious beyond belief. Not to many people can say that. But I can. 

So, to everyone who has read these last couple of blogs and said prayers and words of encouragement, I can't thank you enough. Keep them coming because I still need them. I know some people hate Facebook but actually, opening my mailbox on the days I need those words, helped me more than you will ever know. So as my new life starts the blog will keep coming. And I hope you will still read and join me as I venture out with God on my side to a new destination. =)

Things that cease to amaze me

If I made this into a list it would go on and on for a while. So as you can tell this is not going to be a "sad" post but rather a " what the crap?!??!" list. You know I will never understand why Ramon did what he did. And I will never get that answer. Its funny that every time I tell someone, the first thing they say is he cheated. Now I don't want to assume anything but when you don't get a response it sort of leaves you to make up your own mind.
And it also ceases to amaze me how he can go from loving me to hating me within one day. I am trying so hard to ignore his familiy's threats, his " going off and telling his lawyer " everything and the fact that he couldn't even look me in the eye last week. Something has had to happen and I think as a wife I deserve to know. Otherwise Im gonna come up with my own reason and Im sure it would be totally different than the real reason but I will never know. So at this point, Im trying to forgive whatever he has done and forget at the same time. I am not going to let this ruin my life. I just want this to be over and done. And really at this point, I could care less what he and his family think. They never liked me anyways so now this just gives them more opportunity to make my life miserable.
What husband would do that? Even if you didn't want to be married anymore.. isn't there something inside of him that says, hey I still care enough to talk to her and tell my family to back down. But no. So now instead of crying because Im sad, Im crying because Im so angry that the man I was in love with and unfortunately still am, is watching me have these people threaten me and is okay with me being so miserable over all of this. He doenst care. What happened to the man Im married? The man who was crazy over me for years before  we even got back together? What happened? And I cant ask him because I get no answer and if I try to contact him then it goes against me.
I don't want to hate him. And it has taken prayer and reading the Bible to get me through this. All I can do is bury my thoughts into God and know he can handle this. It so unfair though. To think that he is sitting there laughing and reading this and feeling happy that I am still sort of sad, frightens me. It scares me for him. Because that is NOT him. It scares me for the man he has become. He was such a wonderful man. And now, he's not. I don't know why he's so scared to talked to me. I don't know anything anymore. All I know is Im not gonna let him and this define me.
So this was my rant. Hopefully it will be  my last!