Relationships, We All Want 'Em, We All Got 'Em, What We Do With Them...

At least Jimmy Buffet knows..

Oh the time of your life when your life becomes full of what ifs and regrets and tears and smiles and well.. other stuff. Dating. Now at the age of 32, you would think I would have this one down. Umm wrong. Everyone I have dated ( 2 people ) I ended up marrying and well we all know how that turned out. So dating for me is brand new. So where do you meet people? Work.. well considering I work in the basement and really not around people, chances there are slim to none.. and then well thats about it. So I did it. I went where other single people go and in this time of age, the only place that people seem to go now, online. Yes I said it. Online. 

Now, you are asked to describe yourself in at least 200 words and then answer a whole bunch of questions about you and what you want in your potential mate. And then you post your best pics and then wait. People can look you up and then based on what they see, they can like you, wink at you, or favorite you, or send you an email. And then every day in your email they send you these profiles of people that seem to match what you are looking for. Or you can search on your own and do what you want. Now I haven't dug way too deep into it. But I have met a couple of people. One has become a great friend and the other has become a friend as well. So even if I don't know if I have met the one, I have at least 2 new friends in my life. And I still talk to them almost every day. 

And its not like I have everything good going for me. I am a single mom. I have been married twice and I live with my parents. Now I know the reason behind these and once I tell people, it doesn't sound do bad but on the outside, it doesn't look so grand. I mean Im only 32. But I have faith. I don't believe that my life is over. 

So as I explore the world the dating, I have no clue whats ahead of me. All I know is that, like in my previous post, God has a plan. And even though I can't see it and I have no clue when it will show, I know its out there for me. I just have to be patient and believe that God has everything in his hands. If its meant to be, it will be. Theres really no forcing anything. And thats my problem. Its like when you see all of these people, or couples, and you get jealous. Its like, what did I do to deserve to be alone? I have done everything right. Im not the one who cheated or flipped out. Im the one who fought. Im the one who has been trying to do everything right. And Im the one who feel likes karma has flipped on. So when is it going to be my turn? When do I get my chance at happiness? I guess thats what is so frustrating. But life goes on. I have a good job. A family and a wonderful son who is the light of my life.

So as I dig into this world of " dating " we will see where this takes me. And hopefully my blog will become more a happy world than a I complain all the time lol.

Turkey Time!

Awww.. its the time of year where we eat, nap, watch football and then repeat. And depending on the size of your family, you may repeat this several times. Its also a time, that if you happen to live in the house where Thanksgiving is being held, you may hear grumbling, complaining and experience mood swings of the person that is cooking right up until the door bell rings. Then all of a sudden, everything is good and dandy. ( Not from personal experience, but fixing the meal can be a very stressful thing, and Im sure this has happened ) I have never had to cook because we always go to other family's houses. Which Im grateful for. But to be truthful, I really cant wait to have my own family again and actually cook the supper and have people over. Cooking for me is sort of a destressor. Now granted, I turn on my music and do better when its just me and nobody else but is my way of winding down if Im really stressed out about something. 
Looking back this year, well, lets face it, its been a crappy year for me all in all. However, my goal is to take something positive out of each bad situation. If you continue to dwell on the bad of everything, then you arent going to be thankful but in bad there is a good. You just have to find it. Its like that for anything and anyone. So for me this year, I spent many MANY days in the hospital, almost died again, had my kidney removed, had to move in with my parents and went through a divorce. Most people dont experience all of this in a span of 5 year much less than 1 year, or in my case, sort of months. And some people dont experience this at all. But I did and it all was pretty much bad but like I said Im trying to find the good in all of it. So here it goes:

Going through my second divorce was horrible. It was an unseen event that I never saw coming which made it worse. And it has taken a me a while to get over the whole shock of it all but Im finally to the point to where I can say the past is in the past and I cant relive that over and over again in my head because it just tears you up. You cant go back and undo anything but you can move forward and try to make peace with the person and the situation. It is much easier when something ends and its a mutual decision and you know why but in this case, that was not what happened. Its not my job to try and decipher it anymore. I can learn from it and grow from it and thats exactly what I am trying to do. This led me believe I love again and trust again and thats what I needed. And thats what I gained from this relationship. But something else, unexpected, came out of this and that was I met someone who had become part of my life now and even though, boyfriend/girlfriend, it didnt work out, he has become one of my best friends and I am very grateful for him. I can rely on him and he is this amazing guy who I coulndt imagine not having in my life. So from shutting one person out of my life, led me to meeting him and even though I have been through some medical crap these last couple of months, he has been there with me through most of it. I couldnt ask for a better friend. 

Having PICC lines after PICC lines and infections after infections, is well besides painful. very annoying. The hospital was my home for a long time. I became immune to most of the antibiotics I was on and finally deciding that my infections were coming from left kidney, we finally decided it was time to take it out. Now, my right one is not fully working and was only receiving 1/3 of the blood flow so we knew before we would be taking chances, but it finally came down to either risking my life and having nothing to fight another bad infection with, or just face the possibility of dialysis down the road. 2 years ago, my infectious doctor wanted to do this but it was ruled out given the function of that right kidney, but this time I was sick and tired of everything so we just took it out. When I left that hospital, I had never felt better. It seemed, at the time, that that is exactly what needed to happen. (We will just leave my infection now as a minor hiccup) Now through all of this, I got a wonderful job. I actually was able to use some of my degree as well. The people are great as well as the company. And I actually can say I am really happy there. Throughout all my sickness, they never once though of letting me go and I still have this job. I told them over and over again how grateful I was to them for this. Im just glad that there are still people out there who look at the quality of work you have done and take that in when you have to be out so much. I have worked my butt of for them but I dont mind it all. So Im sort of glad that other job didnt work out because I am so much happier here. So I guess getting so sick was a good thing because it made the doctors realize that I did need the kidney out. I was tired of playing roulette with my life and the right decision was made. I just wish we could have done it sooner. But if we had, again, I wouldnt have got this job that I had. Its funny how life works out sometimes...

I knew after the divorce and I got sick, that moving in with my parents was the only thing I could do. If I had been working, I could have gotten my own place but when you no income coming in, it sort of like, I had no choice. Im thankful that they live where I do so it was just basically moving across town. I couldnt imagine living in another state or city far away and this happening. But they were able to help while I was recovering and they helped with Drew. So even though right when I got home from surgery I wasnt able do much, I could still see my son. Now I have to admit, after you have been out of the house for a long while, you tend to get into your own routine. And so do they. So when you have to try and combine two totally different routines, it becomes stressful. In fact. my sister told me her Christmas present to me was for me not to buy anything for them so I could save my money so I could get out before we killed each other. =) And when Drew is here, it gets worse. Just because I let him do things and its get on my parents nerves and well... its just like I cant get out of here fast enough. I love them to death. I love that they let me live here. I love that they help with Drew when Im not feeling well. I love the fact that they help me even when I dont ask. And at times, yes, Im running for the door just to get out for a while but Im very grateful for their help and love during all of this. And I love the fact that I can still depend on them for anything. I have met some people who cant say that about their parents and it makes me appreciate mine even more. But you can bet as soon as I have the money saved up, Im out.=)

So those are the positives that I am trying to stay focused on. Of course Im thankful for more things such as family and friends but when I look back at the bad and stay focused on the good in them, it makes me even more grateful.

I hope you and your family have a very Happy Thanksgiving!  

Glorious Unfolding

As I have wrestled over how to even start this blog, its been even harder to think about how exactly to put into words what I wanted to write. Its sort of funny how God works sometimes. When he cant place the right people in my life to say what I need to say, he makes sure certain songs are on when I get in the car. There have 2 in particular that have just rocked my world this past week. One being by Steven Curtis Chapman called " Glorious Unfolding " and the other one by Among the Thirsty called " Completely" I believe you have to do the second song before the first one, but if you listen to them, you will get what I am saying.

My run of luck here lately, has been, well just that, luck. And its been bad luck. Seems like every time my life seems to be doing better, something comes and knocks me down. These past couple of weeks have been hard, especially these past couple of days. If you read my Facebook posts, which Im pretty sure if you are reading this, you have read them, you know what Im talking about. Im not going into details but all Im going to say is that I finally realized I asked God for a sign and I got it. And I got it clearly. He could have gone little but it was a huge sign. I prayed for it and got it. And I will leave that at that. And so yes. once again, I was knocked down. This is where me being strong is supposed to kick in right? I mean isnt that that my other posts are about? And thats the compliment I get the most is how strong I am. I really have no choice. I have a son who I want to look up to his mommy and see what she has gone through and how I came out the other end. I dont know what my future holds. I cant control it. But when you completely surrender to him, he will unfold your story no matter what. Thats what these 2 songs have said to me. 

Im 32 and yes been married and divorced twice. But I know Gods not done. There is another story out there for me and I just have to wait for him to unfold it for me and I will finally see it. I think that is true for everyone. I know I am not the only out there who has lost hope in life. Or that thinks that there life is worth nothing. But its not true. God has a plan for everyone and as long as we look to him and let him do what he wants and needs to do with us, then it will be a glorious unfolding. And I cannot wait until that day. 

So for all of you who are struggling or thinking you are just done, you arent. God certainly isnt done with you. So just let it be. Give your all to God and let him show him your future. I know I cant wait to see my unfolding.