So today started out with me trying to get Drew out of bed. He noticed I had my jeans on and that was his clue that I was taking him to school and then it started. I didnt get hardly any sleep last night and I was tired. Drew was tired and now fussing cause he wanted mom mom to take him to school. It was nasty outside and I just thought it would be a good day to not have to get out of bed and go anywhere. As I attempted to get ready, which consisted of me throwing my hat on my head, I all of a sudden dreaded going to this doctors appt. The last one was when I first had my kidney removed. I drove all the way across town to listen to my doctor for like 5 minutes tell me my numbers were okay but given that I had just got it removed, my numbers were expected to improve. And that was that. Drew eventually won the fight and mom took him to school. And then about 8:15 I got in my car and made my way to my nephrologist office.
I got there early and sat down in the waiting room about 15 minutes before my appt which was at 9:15. I looked around and realized that I was the youngest one there. It felt like all of these people were staring at me like they expected me to be there with an older person as the patient. Surely I wasn't the patient. I grabbed my iPad and started down at my hands. My arms and hands were covered with bruises and tape marks from all the of the attempts at ivs and blood draws from the past weekend. My hands were swollen and my arms looked like I was a for sure drug user. I sat there and tried to scrape the adhesive off with no success of it coming off. I glanced down at my watch and it glared back at me : 10:00. Great.. I was going to be here all morning. At least when I got back there, I remembered the last time how I was in and out and I never thought, I really was going to be here all morning. Finally they called my name. As I got up, I could feel everyone's eyes on me. Yes I am the patient. Just let me get me back there, get my results so I could go home.
As I sat back waiting on the doctor, I rested my head against the wall and shut my eyes. Just as I was almost asleep, my fate walked through the door. And it wasn't a pretty fate either.
As he explained to me that my numbers had not improved I sort of just shook my head like I was understanding everything he was saying I just wasn't sure where I was storing the information. My total kidney function was now 25%. I was 5% away from being placed on the transplant list. Yes I had stent in, but he was never convincing that that was not why my numbers were that low. My creatnine had jumped up over the weekend and now with the possibility of more stones eating away at more of my function, it was sort of becoming clear of what he was saying. He did the usual exam and listened to my heart and breathing, pushed on my shin only to have my skin not pop back up indicated swelling and sort of going back over the numbers again. Then he makes a plan to see me back in a month. He escorted me out of the room with not a smile on his face but more of a worried look. I am not sure the look on my face but I think it was more of blank stare.
The next thing I know I was being led in to another office of the kidney disease failure nurse educator woman. Excuse me for not getting her proper title. I was still trying to figure out what to do with the info he just told me and the info I was getting ready to be fed. I was told all about my numbers again. The symptoms I was having and was reassured over and over again that they were going to do all they could do to protect and save the one kidney I had. But in the end, any more stone or infections could eventually knock any of that potential away. Now I had two conversations in my head and information just floating around. About an hour later I emerged with a folder of information in my hand and a head full of what the crap just happened back there? I called my mom and got in the car and for the first time in ever, drove home in silence. The rest of the day was sort of a blur. Now I know there is worst news people get at doctors appts. I know this wasn't good news but it sort of teetered on being bad. Especially with the fear of thinking if I start getting stones again, how many is it going to take and would I have enough time to get another kidney and would dialysis work and what if this and what if that... the whole day and night. And I lay here and type this, its still playing in my head. And now tomorrow, I have to face my urologist. Im hoping this stone was a fluke. And Im hoping he agrees.
So I guess we will see what tomorrow brings. And the next days... Oh and along with being told about the function, the dr asked if I was trying to get pregnant. I sort of chuckled and was like uh no. I have one and thats enough. He looked at me and said well good because in my case, it would likely kill me if I were to try to have another one. Look doc, Im 32 and have had 6 miscarriages. Having another child wasn't on my list but you really didn't have to tell me that. The chance of not being a mom again crossed my mind but I very lucky to have Drew. But I guess when someone looks as you and tells you shouldn't cause it cost you your life, well that sort of shakes you to the core as well.
Everyone keeps telling me I can get through anything. Well these anythings keep piling up and Im starting not to be able to be tall enough to see over them.
~~~~~~
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Saturday, January 3, 2015
2014 Gone....
Wow... what a year. It has been such a year that it has taken me a couple of days to begin this post. So much has happened major in my life this year that its hard to recap everything. I know it seems like Im lost more than Ive gained this year. And that is true. I lost a job, a spouse, a kidney, part of my bladder and weight. And while 1 one of those is a good thing the others I chalk as up they are gone and while Im still dealing with the aftermath of some of it, Im dealing. What have I gained? Lets see, a better job, friends, and since Jan 1, a relationship. So Im gonna roll with that.
A lot of people have asked if I have set a goal. Well obviously the first one is to find a place of my own. Drew and I need to get settled on our own, so thats number one on my list. As far as my health, Im taking it a day at a time. I know my function isn't the greatest and the infections will keep on coming but I trust my doctors to take care of me. Its just something Ive become used to.
Relationships.. well its been and up and down ride for me this past year. I went through my second divorce which is still a mystery and I have to admit it was hard. Then the first guy I went out with is the one I am currently with. We broke up, then stayed friends and now have started our relationship again. I have to say I didn't see it coming. With my luck, I figured it was over. But he threw me a curve ball and we are a couple again. And Im excited. And the fact that it happened on January 1st. He has taught me a lot. More than anyone will know or understand. He has taught me forgiveness, how strong I am, and how to deal with difficult situations. He is always there to calm me down when I start to stress out. And even better, he is my best friend. I can talk to him about anything and I know he's listens. Not everyone sees this, but I do. And thats what counts. And I like to think Im the same for him. I think we sort of support each other, like couples should do. Even we were just friends, he came to the ER with me and sat there and took care of me. He never thought twice. Thats what makes me smile. We have made a lot of memories and I really can't wait to see what its in the future for us. Its a brand new year, anything is possible. And its up to me to make that possible happen.
This year has taught me a lot too. Who to trust, who not to trust. How things can be blown way out of proportion and how much people can act like children sometimes. As far as family, well, learned quite a lot about that too. Its so hard when you can feel you trust people and then have it thrown it in in your face. And then it just gets too much. You know I always loved that our family was close and we had traditions. Well this year one was broken and without going into detail, its something I have to deal with and well people just need to learn to get over things and to keep to their ownselves.
It happens in every family and friends but I never thought it would happen for me. But its more on them than me and as the famous song goes, I "let it go". Thats what you have to do. Im happy and theres nothing anyone or anyone can say to take that away.
I have learned not to less stressful things take over my life. And that has a lot to do with my boyfriend. He has to be the calmest person I have ever met. And he is always there to remind me not to worry and things are going to be okay. Again, Im thankful for him in my life.
My health, well who knows? I never know from day to day what its gonna be like. Luckily my job is understanding enough when I have a appointments and if I get in the hospital they are not happy of course but understanding. Because we all know I just can't go in for 2 days ... its at least a week or more. And its horrible. I don't choose to go to the ER but when it comes and hits, I have no choice. And only having one kidney, I have to be a little more careful. Its not like I can let an infection get out of control and take my last kidney. Thats the last thing I need. And the last thing I need to worry about.
As far as everything from the past year, well if you had read my blogs, they haven't been the happiest. But Im looking to change that. If that means I have to stand up and fight for myself than I will. I have let too many people walk over me and let things go when I should have stood up for myself. And that is one goal I have.
As far as work, I love my job. Its hard work at times but I love the company and the people I work with. And given that they know about my health issues and work with me I couldn't ask for more. And Im finally getting to use my degree to a point.
Relationships... well we have already talked about that. I just to hope to keep it going. He makes me happy =)
So I hope everyone had a good 2014.. and an even better 2015!!
A lot of people have asked if I have set a goal. Well obviously the first one is to find a place of my own. Drew and I need to get settled on our own, so thats number one on my list. As far as my health, Im taking it a day at a time. I know my function isn't the greatest and the infections will keep on coming but I trust my doctors to take care of me. Its just something Ive become used to.
Relationships.. well its been and up and down ride for me this past year. I went through my second divorce which is still a mystery and I have to admit it was hard. Then the first guy I went out with is the one I am currently with. We broke up, then stayed friends and now have started our relationship again. I have to say I didn't see it coming. With my luck, I figured it was over. But he threw me a curve ball and we are a couple again. And Im excited. And the fact that it happened on January 1st. He has taught me a lot. More than anyone will know or understand. He has taught me forgiveness, how strong I am, and how to deal with difficult situations. He is always there to calm me down when I start to stress out. And even better, he is my best friend. I can talk to him about anything and I know he's listens. Not everyone sees this, but I do. And thats what counts. And I like to think Im the same for him. I think we sort of support each other, like couples should do. Even we were just friends, he came to the ER with me and sat there and took care of me. He never thought twice. Thats what makes me smile. We have made a lot of memories and I really can't wait to see what its in the future for us. Its a brand new year, anything is possible. And its up to me to make that possible happen.
This year has taught me a lot too. Who to trust, who not to trust. How things can be blown way out of proportion and how much people can act like children sometimes. As far as family, well, learned quite a lot about that too. Its so hard when you can feel you trust people and then have it thrown it in in your face. And then it just gets too much. You know I always loved that our family was close and we had traditions. Well this year one was broken and without going into detail, its something I have to deal with and well people just need to learn to get over things and to keep to their ownselves.
It happens in every family and friends but I never thought it would happen for me. But its more on them than me and as the famous song goes, I "let it go". Thats what you have to do. Im happy and theres nothing anyone or anyone can say to take that away.
I have learned not to less stressful things take over my life. And that has a lot to do with my boyfriend. He has to be the calmest person I have ever met. And he is always there to remind me not to worry and things are going to be okay. Again, Im thankful for him in my life.
My health, well who knows? I never know from day to day what its gonna be like. Luckily my job is understanding enough when I have a appointments and if I get in the hospital they are not happy of course but understanding. Because we all know I just can't go in for 2 days ... its at least a week or more. And its horrible. I don't choose to go to the ER but when it comes and hits, I have no choice. And only having one kidney, I have to be a little more careful. Its not like I can let an infection get out of control and take my last kidney. Thats the last thing I need. And the last thing I need to worry about.
As far as everything from the past year, well if you had read my blogs, they haven't been the happiest. But Im looking to change that. If that means I have to stand up and fight for myself than I will. I have let too many people walk over me and let things go when I should have stood up for myself. And that is one goal I have.
As far as work, I love my job. Its hard work at times but I love the company and the people I work with. And given that they know about my health issues and work with me I couldn't ask for more. And Im finally getting to use my degree to a point.
Relationships... well we have already talked about that. I just to hope to keep it going. He makes me happy =)
So I hope everyone had a good 2014.. and an even better 2015!!
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