I havent written in a while and partially because I spent the whole month of July in the hospital.. surprise surprise.. After a serious UTI, meds, 2 blood transfusions, 4 bags of iron and rest, after 22 days, I was released. I dont really remember much but I did have surgery, blew about 15 ivs and had 3 central lines placed ( because the radiologist messed up but thats a whole different story ) but I came out alive, once again and started to realize I was on the same road I was before. I had lost my job because, well they cant really hold your position when you are out that long, so here there I was. After going to my follow up drs appts, and realizing everything was going to back to normal, I realized one night, I had to do something. I was like stuck in this pattern and something had to give. I didnt know what, but as you all know, things do happen for a reason.
I have longed ago realized that people like to compare their lives to others. They like to make assumptions. They like to think that they have it all and if someone makes a move that they dont agree with, then they can either A) mind their own business or B) make a fuss. Now I could make a fuss but I choose choice A. I used to think that what others thought of me mattered but not really anymore.
Sometimes in life you have to be selfish. You have to think of whats best for your and your kids if you have them and make the right move. I think we all have this part of our gut that tells us whether we are wrong or right and we may ignore it from time to tim but most of the time we do pay attention. Funny thing is, my gut said not a word to me. So as as begin to think about a new chapter, a new start, I also have to think about swallowing my pride and doing whats best for me and Drew. Keeping a job is really out of the picture at the moment, so disability it is. Funny thing is my lawyer said I should have got it a long time ago but heres where it gets me.
I look at Facebook often. I see my friends with careers, families and growing families and its tough to look at at times. I mean they are out there contributing to the world. They are out there making names for themselves. The biggest name I can make for myself would probably be in a medical journal cause nobody can figure me out. I am a 33 year old who has an adorable awesome son, awesome parents and amazing support system. So why am I complaining? Because its not what I saw coming for myself.
When I first got married, it was every girls dream. I married my best friend, we had a house and we started a family. We both had good jobs and then, as you all know, my life crumbled. That was my first test. And then through another marriage and sickeness, God has tested me over and over again. I keep my head held high and a smile on my face because thats all I know to do . But when nobodys looking, that smile can often turn into tears and fear. When you cant see in front of you, how you can possibly move on blindly? But I have. Each day is different and I dont know whats around the corner. But I have done what I feel is best for me and I feel happy about it. I feel like its the best move I could have made at the time and I am proud. And even though I may never have that perfect life, well for me, it has to be perfect. Everyone's perfect is different. And if you are one of those who thing you have it made, well good for you. But dont be so quick to judge others lives. You may never know what they are going through or what they have gone through, so their decisions, while not good in your eyes, may be just what they need.
Until then...
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