In a previous blog on my other website ( which Im just keeping this one ) I talked about surrendering. When its something you truly believe in, you should not surrender, yet keep fighting for what you love. Fight for what you need and fight for what your heart and gut it telling you too. Yet, how far do we fight before we finally have to eave the white flag. All I know is that it has to be your decision and not someone else. You are the one that stood fighting for so long so you should be the one to finally lay it all down and surrender.
Its hard because people will look at you and say you gave up. They will say you backed down and that you were weak in that moment and it will beat you down. What they dont no is maybe you have been fighting for it for much longer than they think. Maybe months or even years. We are capable of silent fighting. We are capable of letting nobody even remotely close that they cant see that we are standing our ground and doing everything we can to make something work. The other side may not even see it. Our planning and scheming may have come without them blinking an eye. And then when we come to that point, the point of not return, thats when when we have to make the decision.
One path leads you safely away and you never have to face your demons in the past so you surrender there, go on with your life and say well I tried. But did you? The other path is led with rocks and mud and your past haunts all the way up but the decision to surrender is much harder. You face your enemy in the eye and give them all you got. You battle plan is now in action. Whether you surrender of not depends on their response and whether you have anything left in you.
I cant lie. As I write this post, I am fighting back every tear I have to get through this. My surrender may not lie to an enemy. It may not lie as a battle field but it lies in 1 person. A person who I have given everything and sacrificed a lot for over the past year. I probably should have surrendered a long time ago but never did. My heart was telling me no, you have never had feelings like this, fight this one out to the end. But by doing so, my past has come back, I have watched people come and go and still have him in sight. I have never fought this hard over anything or anybody. But I cant surrender. I have grabbed for the flag many times, but something in me has said no, put it back. I have told you about the what its. How I dont know want to live my life with my what ifs. How I have want to be lying on my death bed and have no regrets. Giving up now would be the greatest regret I have ever done. And while its shredding me to pieces and stabbing my heart, I have to believe. I have to be the one to stand up and fight for us. I know its in there.I know he loves me and thats what is so bad.
So as I play with this idea of surrendering, I refuse. I take my flag out and stomp on it and say maybe later. And while it may be tearing every inch of me up, I will not surrender on this one. I will not.
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Monday, October 12, 2015
Just Jump!
Get your bathing suit on. Walk down to the pool. Take your time straightning out of your towel and hide your belongings underneath the lounge chair. Take your cover off (make sure you look around first and then make your necessary adjustments so that nobody sees you) and park your flip flops by the chair. Move your eyes around the edge of the pool. Pick a spot where nobody is and starting walking. You may dip your hand in and or even your foot to do a quick test of the water. Get to the very edge and hang your feet over just a little to just where when you look down you see your toes and then the water. From here, there are several choices. You can fall in. Just close your eyes and fall and let the water catch you. You can jump in. You can bend your knees and jump or you can take a run at it and really jump in. Or you can have someone push you. Or you can have someone push you without you. Or you can sit on the edge and dandlge your legs in the water. And then slide in. You can use a ladder and ease your way in. You can dive in. Or you can simply walk away. Get back in the lounge chair where you are comfortable and watch from the safety of your chair. Either way you choose, you have just made a choice. Why in the world am I writing about jumping in the water? You know me by now.... isnt this just like life?
Do we take a running start and just jump or do we walk away because we are scared of the unknown? Do we have to test the waters a little or a lot before we make that choice? Do we willingly fall in or do we need someone to give us a little push. Or are we in and we don't even realize it? We got pushed and and shoved and we look back and we find invisilbe arms. How did we get here? Think about the last time you had to make a decision. How did you get there? Or is it something you are still struggling with? Are you testing the waters or are you starting to make that jump or are you simply walking away?
Different situations call for different approaches. The good, the bad, the ugly, whatever you are about to jump into, calls for different approaches. The water may be a job, a relationship, your family, a dark place, a good place, or it could be simply a new start. What is going through your mind as you stand there and look into the future? Your past comes back to haunt you and the water becomes foggy. Its no longer clear.
I live life differently. I personally live life as its my last day. Its my last chance to do something. I dont stare at the water, I jump. I may not always jump with confidence but I jump knowing its new territory. Ive done my research and I know my ways out, but I cant let that water go without exploring it. It may be the best thing thats ever happened or it could be the worse. Either way, I can leave with knowing I did it. Ive been there, done that and its just another stepping stone to the rest of my life. So I have a little problem with people relying too much on their past and not jumping. The past is exactly what it says it is, the past. Why let that hinder your presence or even your future? Learn from your mistakes and move on. If you live your life based on all your past decisions, you will never know what you are capable of. You may never know what will make you happy. You may never know that the past was wrong and you are now a different person with different outlooks.
I try not to live with "what ifs". Or regrets. I dont want to look back and say what if... I dont think many people do. But if we keep standing at the edge just looking abd backing away, those what if's are going to keep building. But if you are comfortable and happy with playing it safe, then play it safe. Never step off of that ledge. But you will also not know what might have been.
So nex time you are starting at the water, dont let someone push you in or pull you out. Take the plunge. Follow your gut, your heart and your mind. Go for it. Who you are when you are standing at the end, will leave you with a smile no matter the outcome. Live.
Saturday, October 3, 2015
Silent Communicators
In this day of age, its the ding we wait for. That sound that someone is responding to you or talking to you. That infamous "Ding!" coming from your phone. Back then, it came in forms of letters, or just plain talking. I sort of miss those days. Its like we have become silent communicators. We hide behind technology so we can say what we want without having to stand face to face with the outcome, good or bad. I could give you loads of examples, but how many times have you confronted someone over email, text or even Facebook messaging? Why? Were you too scared to say it to them or were you scared their answer was not going to be what you looked for. Maybe it was because you didn't want to confront them but then you realize oh I can just type this and send and maybe it wont hurt so much. Or does it?
The problem with technology is its staying power. Not only does it keep things around, it can be a constant reminder of the situation. Yes, you can delete the emails, delete the texts but can you really delete the words you read over and over? And then questions just start rolling in. Why did they say this? Did they mean for it to sound this way? We read everything out of context. We can take a simple answer or just not receiving an answer as a really bad thing. We can spin those words into anything we want. After all, the person on the other side is not their to defend their selves or even explain. So we have to take what we see on the screen or not see on the screen as it is. And the cycle just goes on...
Sure, writing a letter may have been a way of hiding behind stuff but at least it was a little more personal and nothing the whole word can see. Then came Facebook. Now dont get me wrong, I have used this as an outlet for many things. It can be a great way to communicate to everyone without having to make phone calls, or even leaving your couch. But when does that line get crossed? How many times have you scrolled down your newsfeed and find someones rant on how someone has done that person wrong. And then worse, they can tag that person in the post so that everyone now knows. And they have one side to read and thats yours. Unless they start an all out Facebook war, which I have seen happen, its quite disturbing. People are quick to judge and you automatically go from reading those words to pretending you know the whole situation. They are just words. I could easily go right now and post something bad about someone. I can make this whole thing up and just let you all, the readers, my audience, take what they want from it. What they dont know is the other person may be in the dark about what happened. They may not have a single clue about a huge lie that has been spread to 1000+ people on Facebook. And they are quickly and silently being judged. Has technology really done this to us? Have we become more angry, shallow, judging, and loud just to hide behind something? Do we use this as a good or bad outlet? They are just letters. Letters that you put together to make a word. Words used to make a sentence and sentences used to make a paragraph. But in using these letters and words, are we doing any good? Or are we just knocking people down left and right so we can feel better about ourselves. Sort of like your secret redemption. It really is becoming a disturbing world we live in.
Now Im not saying technology in a whole is bad. It can be of some good. Its when you take advantage of it for your own good that it becomes a problem. I too am a victim of reading into something way to fast that I have tortured myself over it. I would send a text and not get a response in what I think is a timely manner and it drives me nuts. What you dont see is the other person. What if their phone isnt on? Or maybe simply, they just dont have it. The reasons behind a missing text can be a simple answer yet we can make it something way more difficult. Why not just use your phone, dial the number and actually talk to them? Or heck, even if you dont want to do that at least leave a voicemail to where they can hear you. Sometimes a voice message, even though still sort of hiding, is better because they can your words and they dont have to decipher quite as much as what your meaning is behind it. I have left plenty of voicemails before. And yes, its easier but still, communication is simply slipping away.
So my challenge for you is take the time to talk to someone. If yo are mad or angry or confused even, talk to them. Dont rant about it on Facebook. Dont write an angry email (especially when your emotions are in charge) Dont say something you cant take back. Because as soon as you hit that send button its out of your hands. And there is no taking back what you may have said. Dont hide behind a screen. Pick up the phone. Sometimes a simple phone call just saying hey or how are you doing can mean more to someone than you may ever know.
The problem with technology is its staying power. Not only does it keep things around, it can be a constant reminder of the situation. Yes, you can delete the emails, delete the texts but can you really delete the words you read over and over? And then questions just start rolling in. Why did they say this? Did they mean for it to sound this way? We read everything out of context. We can take a simple answer or just not receiving an answer as a really bad thing. We can spin those words into anything we want. After all, the person on the other side is not their to defend their selves or even explain. So we have to take what we see on the screen or not see on the screen as it is. And the cycle just goes on...
Sure, writing a letter may have been a way of hiding behind stuff but at least it was a little more personal and nothing the whole word can see. Then came Facebook. Now dont get me wrong, I have used this as an outlet for many things. It can be a great way to communicate to everyone without having to make phone calls, or even leaving your couch. But when does that line get crossed? How many times have you scrolled down your newsfeed and find someones rant on how someone has done that person wrong. And then worse, they can tag that person in the post so that everyone now knows. And they have one side to read and thats yours. Unless they start an all out Facebook war, which I have seen happen, its quite disturbing. People are quick to judge and you automatically go from reading those words to pretending you know the whole situation. They are just words. I could easily go right now and post something bad about someone. I can make this whole thing up and just let you all, the readers, my audience, take what they want from it. What they dont know is the other person may be in the dark about what happened. They may not have a single clue about a huge lie that has been spread to 1000+ people on Facebook. And they are quickly and silently being judged. Has technology really done this to us? Have we become more angry, shallow, judging, and loud just to hide behind something? Do we use this as a good or bad outlet? They are just letters. Letters that you put together to make a word. Words used to make a sentence and sentences used to make a paragraph. But in using these letters and words, are we doing any good? Or are we just knocking people down left and right so we can feel better about ourselves. Sort of like your secret redemption. It really is becoming a disturbing world we live in.
Now Im not saying technology in a whole is bad. It can be of some good. Its when you take advantage of it for your own good that it becomes a problem. I too am a victim of reading into something way to fast that I have tortured myself over it. I would send a text and not get a response in what I think is a timely manner and it drives me nuts. What you dont see is the other person. What if their phone isnt on? Or maybe simply, they just dont have it. The reasons behind a missing text can be a simple answer yet we can make it something way more difficult. Why not just use your phone, dial the number and actually talk to them? Or heck, even if you dont want to do that at least leave a voicemail to where they can hear you. Sometimes a voice message, even though still sort of hiding, is better because they can your words and they dont have to decipher quite as much as what your meaning is behind it. I have left plenty of voicemails before. And yes, its easier but still, communication is simply slipping away.
So my challenge for you is take the time to talk to someone. If yo are mad or angry or confused even, talk to them. Dont rant about it on Facebook. Dont write an angry email (especially when your emotions are in charge) Dont say something you cant take back. Because as soon as you hit that send button its out of your hands. And there is no taking back what you may have said. Dont hide behind a screen. Pick up the phone. Sometimes a simple phone call just saying hey or how are you doing can mean more to someone than you may ever know.
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