Surrender

In a previous blog on my other website ( which Im just keeping this one ) I talked about surrendering. When its something you truly believe in, you should not surrender, yet keep fighting for what you love. Fight for what you need and fight for what your heart and gut it telling you too. Yet, how far do we fight before we finally have to eave the white flag. All I know is that it has to be your decision and not someone else. You are the one that stood fighting for so long so you should be the one to finally lay it all down and surrender.
Its hard because people will look at you and say you gave up. They will say you backed down and that you were weak in that moment and it will beat you down. What they dont no is maybe you have been fighting for it for much longer than they think. Maybe months or even years. We are capable of silent fighting. We are capable of letting nobody even remotely close that they cant see that we are standing our ground and doing everything we can to make something work. The other side may not even see it. Our planning and scheming may have come without them blinking an eye. And then when we come to that point, the point of not return, thats when when we have to make the decision.
One path leads you safely away and you never have to face your demons in the past so you surrender there, go on with your life and say well I tried. But did you? The other path is led with rocks and mud and your past haunts all the way up but the decision to surrender is much harder. You face your enemy in the eye and give them all you got. You battle plan is now in action. Whether you surrender of not depends on their response and whether you have anything left in you.
I cant lie. As I write this post, I am fighting back every tear I have to get through this. My surrender may not lie to an enemy. It may not lie as a battle field but it lies in 1 person. A person who I have given everything and sacrificed a lot for over the past year. I probably should have surrendered a long time ago but never did. My heart was telling me no, you have never had feelings like this, fight this one out to the end. But by doing so, my past has come back, I have watched people come and go and still have him in sight. I have never fought this hard over anything or anybody. But I cant surrender. I have grabbed for the flag many times, but something in me has said no, put it back. I have told you about the what its. How I dont know want to live my life with my what ifs. How I have want to be lying on my death bed and have no regrets. Giving up now would be the greatest regret I have ever done. And while its shredding me to pieces and stabbing my heart, I have to believe. I have to be the one to stand up and fight for us. I know its in there.I know he loves me and thats what is so bad.
So as I play with this idea of surrendering, I refuse. I take my flag out and stomp on it and say maybe later. And while it may be tearing every inch of me up, I will not surrender on this one. I will not.