Another Day....

As words have escaped me each time I try to write this, I have now decided I am just going to go with it.
I am not sure the last blog I wrote and what it was about but Im just gonna start with the now. So the now...I have a new job that I love and literally fell in my lap. I have never had a job to where I was so happy. I love my coworkers and love everyone I work with.

As far as the guy things go. This is where things get weird and complicated, however he did me a huge favor. So the guy previously mentioned in past blogs is no longer. And this time, I really mean no longer. And as much as it hurt, as time went by it slowly began to hurt less and less. And some of his words that I didnt pay much attention to then, totally make sense now. And once again, something I didn't agree with or much listen to then, it really starting to make sense now. And I am thankful for that. For once, he was right, I was wrong. And although I will miss his friendship, it was for the best. I wish I had been strong enough to make that decision and not him, but either way. Its another lesson learned. We had some good times and those are what I will remember but in the end it would have never worked out and it was just best to completely let go of everything. And so I have. Its sort of what you have to do to be able to move on.

I have to think of everything I have been through to take the good out of those and focus on what makes me happy. And then learn from the bad. I have had several bumps in the road but those bumps made me into who I am right now. This very minute. If we don't experience those, we may never know who we truly are inside. So the combination of the girl I was back then and who I am now is a very changed, strong happy woman. Who loves her job, her family and is ready to get back out there. I will constantly be fighting my health. Its just something that I cant change. God will take care of that and every part of my life and I love that saying, Let Go and Let God. And I am.

Its not too often that you meet people that believe the same way you do. Or remind you of just exactly what you need to hear. I am lucky enough to have those people. No matter if its a church or home or wherever its like God places them just right where I need them with just the right words I need to hear.

So I fight every day to not let life win. Life has tried so hard to drain me of everything I ever had. And I refuse to let that happen. I start every day with a smile on my face, thank God for what I do have and pray to God that he takes care of the rest of it. I wake up now with a different outlook on life. I dont see the negatives but the positives. In every bad situation, I do believe there is good. And thats God. And thats what you have to focus on.

So as the next chapter of my life goes on, I can honestly say, I have changed. For the better. I am not who I was a year ago. I am someone who is not going to try to change to make someone happy. And as far as relationships go, if they cant accept me for who I really am and I truly believe in, then I wont do it. Patience is a virtue everyone needs. Its something I am working on. But am slowly starting to see how it pays off.

Thanks everyone for the thoughts and prayers. They mean more to me than you will ever know!

So once again, words seem to fail me. I have had so much go on that I am still trying to find a way to share it. Until then I have had a lot of Facebook comments on my last blog which included a video and how many more people wanted more.

So I decided okay.. since I haven't written in a while and I am singing this song in a couple of weeks.
It still needs a little work but I love the words. I am singing just with a acoustic guitar later and it sounds amazing.

Hope you all enjoy and I promise I will get back to writing soon=)

BTW-- I am about to hit 15K Views!! Thats a testament to each one of you watching and reading my blogs! THANKS!!

Click here for the song! Thanks for watching!

I Can Just Be Me

So I had a lot I was going to say in this blog but I decided to mix it up a little. I ran up across this song that Im singing on Sunday. And it spoke to me and sort of went a long with what I was going to write so Im sharing it in this blog. Its not the best quality. And I have my comfy clothes on however I really loved the words and hope you understand why I wanted to share this.

Heres the song!

Hope you enjoy!

BA

Peace

When singing in the contemporary services at Redwing, after the 1st service, the worship team goes in and has a mini devotional. A way we can connect with each other and have our own little group. It gives us time to talk , to listen, and to pray. Half of us know each other but not until we get into that room do we really get to know each other.
This past week I had the privilege of serving there and our devotional was on peace. When asked what people thought of when you first heard the word peace, there were the common answers, you know, the time the kids are in bed and its just you and your time, then there was the 60's and the peace sign, a waterfall, for me it was obviously being at home and not in the hospital. But then one spoke up and said what I think exactly what peace is. Its knowing that even though our day to day conflicts get in the way, our peace is knowing that this is not our life. When we die, theres the ultimate peace. He couldn't have hit it more right.
What is your peace? Often we find peace in our daily routines. We may even schedule that time that gives us that peaceful feeling. We take a couple of deep breaths, we feel our shoulders go down and our body starts to relax. For the mother, its when the kids are in bed and its just you. For the dad it could be the same, You are in your man cave and nobody is bothering you. For me, peace is knowing for right now Im typing this from a house and not a hospital bed. For others its knowing that there is a tomorrow. But how quickly that peace can change. Its beyond our reach. The kid can get out of bed. The kid can come in your man cave. I could end up really sick and back in the hospital. There may not be a tomorrow for some people. But the one peace we can all hold on to is that God is peace. No matter what we are facing here on earth, it doesn't matter because ultimately, we are going to be given that wonderful chance of experiencing eternal peace.
So while I do think its important to have your peaceful moments, because we all need them, we also need to realize that peace is reachable and it can be yours for the rest of your life. You just have to hold on to them. And those unpeaceful moments, well let those be lessons on how you handle those moments. And keep praying that God will handle everything and give you well.. peace.

30 hours straight

Yes. That above is how long I have been awake. Could be stress. Could be this. Could be that. But this and that need to go somewhere. I so envy those of you that can just lay down and go to sleep. For those of us who cant, its a daily struggle. And yes, I was on medicine if you were wondering. But with my recent kidney removal and now renal failure ( 22% --- 20% you go on the transplant list ) I guess I was trying to avoid anything I thought would make it worse. But this has to got to stop.
Anyhow, I have sat down at my computer ( well really, I have had it my lap while on the couch or bed ) and just stared at a blank screen. Either I have nothing or too much to write about. But this morning as I was cruising Facebook. a friend of mine, who also was awake, said something at the end of her status that caught my attention. " Sometimes you just have to count your blessings and go on " I dont know why that struck me, but it at least gave me something to think about ( like I needed anything else going on in this head of mine )
So it makes total sense. With all of the bad in the world and stuff we face on a personal level, its easy to forget those blessings. Even as little as they are. And for me, well, to be honest, they have become quite hazy. Its easy to focus on everything wrong in our lives. Its easy to feel down for ourselves and accept defeat. I dont understand why this is. But hey, I do it too. You tend to overlook the simple things in life. The things that once made you happy. The things we take for granted. For some people the blessings are their " bad " things. Your job, family, home, car, money, relationships... some count these as blessings. Others count them as their downfalls. I could go down the list of everything I have been through and while people look at me and dont blame me, I do overlook the simple things. I guess its because my downfalls are with me everyday. I never know from one day to the next if Im gonna get sick again. Or when it will be the last straw for this kidney of mine. My job is pretty much gone. So its like I get hit in the face over and over again. But right now Im good. I have a wonderful son who loves me no matter what. I have parents that help me and love me. I have a house and a car. And I have friends. So why arent I more focused on those?
Its one of those battles we all face. We all accept defeat in certain aspects in our life. But its those little things called blessings that we need to focus on. So, I guess on those really bad days, the days where you think nothing is going right, take a pen and a piece of paper and write down everything good in your life. It may just help you after all.

Settle

I find myself at a crossroads however there only 1 path that I see. Its the one that is right in front of me. The one that is the closest. The one that I can reach out and touch. The one that has the light. The one that means I have settled. For others, there may be different paths. Some easy. some hard and some unknown. For me, I have settled.
Settling in can be seen as good or bad. In all aspects of life, we all settle. Whether its our job, our family, our relationships, we settle. I had a friend tell me the other day, to go out and get what I want. But what happens when want we want isnt offered to us? What happens when we go out and we fail? Do we get back up? Do we try something new? Or do we just go back to that same old path we have fallen into the last couple months or even years. There are tons of reasons we can tell ourselves. That path is scary. Its dark and gloomy and full of obstacles. Or that path is too narrow or too wide and would force us to be uncomfortable for a while. But what we cant see is what is at the end.
We all know the phrase, take the path least traveled. Easier said than done. For me, it seems my path is full of falling branches. Everywhere I take a step, theres something in my way and it forces me back. Instead of trying to get over it, I back up. Its like I take steps forward and the path is clear and for a moment, its clear. I can see straight ahead and I can imagine anything I want. But then, things start to get in the way. The path becomes dark and I cant see ahead anymore. I stand there for a moment thinking do I press ahead? Or do I go back where it safe. And that is what I have been doing. Settling for the safe place. A place where no harm can be done. A place I know very well. But lets face it, its not getting me anywhere.
I have several paths in my life. From my relationships to jobs to my health. And each holds its own future, really never intertwining with each other. Each one is unique, but how I treat them should be the same.
I havent done such a swift job at any of them. Im safe. Im content. But in order for me to progress in not only these categories but in life as well, I have to face to obstacles in front of me and go around and press on. I have to dodge them the best I can and if I cant dodge them, then face them head on. Each time I get sick or lose a job, I should start seeing them as opportunities instead of obstacles. I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason. But here lately, even that has become foggy.
So I am holding on. Holding on to a hope that is at the end of each path. And instead of settling and going down the path always traveled. maybe I need to go to my right or left and venture in. Who knows what I will find. But I will never know until I go. Until I take the first step into the unknown. Its scary. Its mind blowing, but it could something amazing.

Figuring Things Out

By the age of 5, you are, by all parents accounts, growing up. You start school. You are suddenly thrown into a classroom full of other kids your age. For some, it can be a scary moment, for others its a chance to start their life. I still think its harder for parents than kids.

By the age of 13, you are a teenager. You start to see things differently and feel as if you are an adult. You start to claim your own identity and have your group of friends. You start to mold your future with the choices you make. 

By the age of 16, you finally have freedom. You have your own car. For some, you have your own job which brings responsibility yet now you have money. You begin spending your weekends with your friends instead of your house. You may begin to have your first dates and dread that time when you have to ask you parents if you can go out. And if you are a boy, you are dreading picking up that girl for the first time and meeting the parents. 

At the age of 18, you are of out of high school and off to college or for some, off to a job. You are an adult and can make your own decisions. You have your own money, your own place. You are finally out on your own. And here is where you make decisions to that will shape your future forever. What major you will be, where you will live, what friends you will make, and you may meet that certain someone. That certain someone in which you will spend the rest of you life with. 

And on it goes. In a perfect world, you will graduate college with the major you want. Get the perfect job, marry the person of your dreams, buy a house and eventually start a family. Isn't that the dream that everyone wants? At least for girls that is. 

But sometimes, life throws you curveballs. You may not graduate. You may not get the perfect job. You may not marry anyone. You may end up back at your parents or just settling. It seems that life always has a funny way of working out the opposite way you always dreamed of. Of even if you do get a chance at that perfect dream, it may be get interrupted by losing a job, losing a house, or even losing your partner. It happens kids, it happens. 

Its then we really learn who we are. Do we sit down and let life take over? Or do we stand up and go after what we want? Its these times that really determine who we are as a person and how others will perceive us.

I have been struggling these past few weeks with everything from being in the hospital again, facing kidney failure, job in limbo, no place of my own and everything just starts to compile. Why is it you can think of everything you have done wrong in your life and not anything positive? This is when your true character comes out. Now while I haven't really stood up to any of these problems, Im slowly regaining composure. There are still some dents in my life that I don't know will ever work themselves out but its these dents that I can go back to ago remind me that I overcame them. And while they are unbending, something happens. You begin to find yourself again. You begin to see things in a different light. And maybe the person you find, isn't the person you used to be, but better. The hardest thing I have learned is patience. It has never been a virtue of mine. But sometimes, you have to stand back and let things come to you. You have to let those dents start straightening out by trusting. By having faith. By knowing that someone is there to support you. By having that someone you can rely on and talk to. By learning who you are. And looking at those positives you do have in your life. 

Its easy to type this but hard to actually say Im doing this. But Im trying. Each day Im trying. And whatever life may throw at me, Im ready. Bring it on!