Just another year....

So we have hit 2014. Well, we hit it a couple of months ago but given this is my first post of the new year, Happy New Year!! So while I would have loved to start this post out by saying how great this year is going, I can't lie. I lost my job again, have already been in the hospital and have had some bad blood work results. Yea my year is starting off great.
I have tried to make the best of it. By doing more around the house and my husband I joined a gym and started working on our health. I am proud of him and can't wait to see where we both are in 6 months. On top of that, I am doing Weight Watchers again because this has proved successful for me in the past.
I was talking to a friend as almost all of this was going on. And I looked at him and told him I don't know if I can handle it anymore and how strong I couldn't be. I just needed to break down. His response was simple, " You need to break every now and then." The more I thought of this, the more I thought it was a little silly. I needed to break? Wasn't I supposed to stay strong for my family, for my son, for me? It would be so much easier to not but aren't we supposed to face life's challenges standing straight up?
Maybe this wasn't life's challenge. Maybe this was God's challenge. But even so, I had enough already. And each time it just gets harder. So maybe I needed to break. Maybe I needed to show God that I was broken and I needed him to put me back together. Whats the point of acting like you have it together when inside, you have nothing left. I admit, this has been the hardest time for me. Even when I look at the past, I just can't seem to wrap any rhyme or reason around what has happened. So one day, while I was here alone, I broke down. I got on my knees in the middle of my living room floor and just let it go. I talked to God and probably in some form, screamed at him. And then I rose and I sang to him. All within 10 minutes of each other. Only he can understand what was going on in my heart. And why this had to be done.
To this day, my favorite song has always been " Held" by Natalie Grant. I have said it in previous posts, but this song is true and says the truth.

This is what it means, to be held. How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive.
This is what is is, to be loved, and to know, that the promise is, when everything fails, we'd be held.

Im glad he he promised us this. This is why we can break down. This is why we don't have to be strong for anyone. He is holding us through good and bad times. But most all, when we break down, he is still holding us.
So my friend was exactly right, I needed to break down. I needed to let God see that side and then let him begin the healing process. He just needs to start putting me back together for his will. In his eyes. And in the meantime, my family will do just fine=)

Forgive and Forget

I know. I went and said I would be better about writing but however I have been horrible. So forgive me!

Speaking of forgiving... I have been toying around with this writing about this for a while. I didnt know how to approach it or what stance to take but I knew I wanted to say something. So here goes

Forgiveness. Its something that we deal with everyday. Whether its forgiving a friend for saying something about you , a co-worker for getting you in trouble, a child who promised they would do something or maybe not on a daily basis.. but maybe its a parent who wasn't there when you needed them, or a spouse who didnt take the wedding vows as serious as you. There are all sorts and categories of forgiveness but its easy to say I forgive you, but to say it and truly mean it is something else. And to say you can forgive and forget, well I dont know that is truly possible.

Now Im gonna step on some toes when I go into this but isnt it best to be truthful and not write what people want to to hear? Matthew West recently wrote a song called " Forgiveness "The story behind it is a lady who forgave a man who killed her daughter while driving drunk. To hear her story is amazing.  And to hear his response is once again pretty awesome.

Heres the link if you havent heard or read the story. Believe me, its a must read.
Check the story out here!

And one phrase from that story from Matthew West made me think and re think again about the whole concept.

"In Philip Yancey’s book What’s So Amazing About Grace?, he describes forgiveness as an unnatural act.  I could not agree more.  He writes, “I never find forgiveness easy, and rarely do I find it completely satisfying.  Nagging injustices remain, and the wounds still cause pain.  I have to approach God again and again, yielding to him the residue of what I thought I had committed to him long ago.  I do so because the Gospels make clear the connection:  God forgives my debts as I forgive my debtors.”

But do we actually need to forget what happened? 

So as everyone knows my story, I can truly say, I juggled with forgiveness for a long time. Its easy to tell someone I can forgive you without thinking about it. But as time goes on, its more apparent that maybe you cant forgive that person. That its going to take a lot longer than you think to fully and truly say those words and mean it. And when more than one person is involved, its even trickier. For some of you, still dealing with this, I say its okay to take your time. I dont think its something you can just jump into. I believe some things are not worth saying if you dont truly feel it. 

For me, I did jump into it quick. I thought this was the way to save my marriage. But then it hit me. Maybe I could forgive, but could I ever forget? Would I ever forget? The simple answer is no. So with time, prayer and faith, I began to try and look at the situation in different lights. Was it right for my husband to have an affair? No. Was it right for some woman to go ahead with the affair knowing that he was married and about to have a child? No. How could I possibly forgive them for messing up my life. For messing up my happily ever after. Clearly, they werent feeling the pain. They werent worried about anything but being together and booting me out. The wounds were open and painful. And they were there for the whole world to see. Getting the sympathy looks at church and at work were horrible. Even the Bible says this was wrong. How could God expect me to forgive someone for doing this to me and our son?

But after time, it began to dwindle. The emotions of hate and sadness soon turned to joy and laughter. I knew I could stand on my own two feet and I knew that God had been with me the whole time. I knew I needed to forgive them, but I just couldnt do it. Not yet.

I remember sitting at home one night. Drew was with his father and I was home alone. I dont exactly remember what I was doing but I remember it hitting me. I started praying and I knew God was telling me, forgiveness. And I did. At that moment, in the silence of my house, I forgave them. And it was what I needed to move on. To push on and remember the past as what was good and not the bad.

Im not sure I will ever forget but I can use that as good. I can say, I got past it. I was strong and I overcame. I can say that even after everything. I forgive them. 

And now I am in a marriage where God is the center. Where Drew looks up to my husband as another Godly father figure. Where I know what it truly means to be married and to love truly and deeply. 

God is forgiveness. He forgives us every day for our sins. Hes the reason we have a home after this life. And when you think about it that way, forgiving people in our lives should be something we all do. And this is coming from experience...

Ive seen it heal a broken heart.

Ive seen it mend a family.

Ive seen it turn hatred into happiness. 

Family and Stuff

I try not to blog about to personal of things. Sometimes, its just best not to let the whole world in on what you are feeling or experiencing. Then again, writing has always been the one way I let things out and might as well use it again.. but we will start with the good thing!
Most of you all know I have a job now. God must have known what he was doing when he let those other jobs pass because I love this job and so far so good!! Its exactly what I was looking for and within 2 days of putting in my resume, I had an interview and then a couple of hours later, I was offered the job. I was at the end of my rope but like always, God was there to pull me up when I needed him the most. I know I know, people told me to be patient but I didnt know how much longer my family could have waited. God took care of us through this past year and he will continue to do so. I am proud to say my faith may have been shaken but it never left. And that was thanks to lots of prayers and lots of faith and support. So for anyone of you who said a prayer, thanks=)
And so now for the not so good stuff. Have you ever felt things change in other peoples lives because of you? Well this week it has hit me hard. When Ramon came into my life, it was the best thing ever. And in return it felt like it was the best in his life. I never wanted to feel like I was taking someone from someone or change it to where simple traditions were compromised. I know having a child already was an extra stress on Ramon but he never acted like that. He embraced us both from day 1 and to this day he has become another Godly male presence in Drews life, one I am so grateful for.
Now without saying anything point blank, my family is close. We have traditions, we do things together. It doesnt matter who is invited, if they are family, it doesnt matter who or what or where. Im used to that. But for some reason, me and my child has caused some changes to occur. Some that Im not used to and some that I blame myself for. For some reason, I cant let it go and I should. Ramon lets things go and I dont. Thats a huge mistake of mine. I let things get to me and I have to say something. Sometimes, its for the good and sometimes I need to keep my mouth shut. In this instance, I have kept my mouth shut and I will but when it comes to family. I shutter at the thought that I could disrupt anything or keep anyone from spending time with their family.
 But I have to remember that I came with a package and the only person that should care does care. He cares for both of us and loves Drew as his own. God placed him in our lives for reasons I know and reasons that day to day I continue to find out. I am thankful for his love, support and acceptance. And as far as other things, well, it gets to me. But I have a family who loves us and who will always support us and invite us to be a part in whatever they do. I pray that I get over things, little or big, and come out the better person. Some may look at this and think this is not the bigger person, but I feel better. =)

More About Love

What is love exactly? To everyone , it is something different. Ask anyone and I bet you will not get the same answer. I love hearing peoples thoughts because it always opens my eyes to something different. By far, though, my favorite quote about love is from Boy Meets World. There were actually 2 different scenes in which Cory and Topanga express what they think love is. The first one was when Topanga was forced to move and ran away to come back to Cory. And the second was there wedding vows.

Mom, Listen, I haven't been together with Topanga for twenty-two years, but we *have* been together for sixteen. 'Kay, that's a lot longer than most couples have been together. I mean, when we were born, you told me that we used to take walks in our strollers together in the park. When we were two, we were best friends, I mean, I, I knew everything about this girl. I knew her favorite color. I knew her favorite food. Then we became six, you know, and Eric made fun of me because it wasn't cool to have a best friend that was a girl or even know a girl, so for the next seven years I threw dirt at her. I like to call those "the lost years". Then when I was thirteen, Mom, she put me up against my locker and she kissed me. I mean, she gave me my first kiss. She taught me how to dance. She was always talking about these crazy things and I never understood a word she said. All I understood was that she was the girl I sat up every night thinking about, and when I'm with her I feel happy to be alive. Like I can do anything. Even talk to you like this. So that's, that's what I feel is love, Mom... When I'm better because she's here... and now she won't be. So we're finished.

I wasn't sure this day would ever come, but you were. I wasn't sure love could survive everything we put it through, but you were. You were always strong and always sure. And now I know I want you to stand beside me for the rest of my life. That's what I'm sure of.

 Ever since I was young I never understood anything about the world, and I never understood anything that happened in my life. The only thing that ever made sense to me was you, and how I felt about you. That's all I've ever known and that's enough, that's enough for me, for the rest of my life. Topanga, we gonna get married?

I dont know why these stick out to me but its because they are true. I have one more quote to share and then Im done with the quotes.. I promise..

AND IF YOU EVER DECIDED TO LEAVE ME I WOULD GO AND FIND YOU AND BRING YOU HOME BECAUSE YOU WOULD BE WRONG." -  Mad about you

Now there are a million other popular love quotes but these rank as my favorites. It doesnt take a poet to write about what love means. It doesnt take fancy words that I cannot pronounce to try and find out what love it. It hits everyone at different points in their lives. When do you know you really experience love? When did the words " I love you" really hold their meaning? I have always known I loved my family, that was a given. And when I missed them, I knew that was love. Then you go through school and think that every boyfriend you had in grade school, you loved. Hey, that was love back then, It is not until you are older that you look back and realize that was not love. 

For me, it became apparent the first time when I accepted Jesus into my heart. I had heard the story over and over again about how God had sent his son to die on the cross for our sins but it never clicked until that one moment. And I understood was love was. And it became even more apparent when I had my own son. I couldnt imagine him hanging on a cross for all the sins of everyone else. That WAS love. And the first time I laid eyes on my son, I loved him. He was my world and I have never felt a love like that. 

My ex husband was another one of my first loves and I still have a love for him because of that and a love for him because he is the father of my son. 

When I reconnected with Ramon, I was at an okay point in my life. My divorce was final and I had a good job and a wonderful son. What I didnt realize or count on was falling in love again so quickly. And I also didnt realize the heavy emotions that would come with it. 

Since my previous marriage had ended roughly, my opinion of guys turned pretty ugly. But I knew Ramon was different. And I knew it was love when he stepped back and let me go through what I needed to. He was there. The whole time. He knew y doubts and fears and yet he didnt waiver. He assured me he understood and refused to leave. There were plenty of times when it would have just been easier for him to leave. But he didnt. And this in return, made me stronger. He has made me the woman I am and he is the reason I believe in unconditional love. 

So while I cant put a definition on love. I live it every day. Through God, Ramon, Drew, family and friends.

Love Marriage Relationships Oh My

As I was listening to Chris Augusts "Restore " the other day, it really got me thinking about how much of that song is true. But many people dont get to the last part where he talks about needing God. Most people just give up. Game over. Move on and never think twice. That bothered me for a long time until I myself found myself a divorced single mom. This man I had known and loved for almost 7 years was choosing to end our marriage. When I stood in church in front of our friends and families, we said vows. Those meant something to me but I guess marriage cant work one way. Instead of him talking to me about it, he figured if he were to have an affair then I would surely call it quits. However I fought but it was useless. 

The marriage being over was for the best and I know according to God's words that it was okay for me to get a divorce in this situation. But it still felt like I was letting a lot of people down. I knew it was over but that took me a long time to accept given that he was still off with the girl and I was home alone depressed. But God gave me the strength I needed through a little boy named Drew. And life went on.

It went on when I reconnected with my old school boyfriend from elementary school through Facebook. We texted for a while and then he asked me out. Our first date was Jan 2010, Engaged in May 2010 and Married in Sept 2010. Now I finally understand the institution of marriage is really about and how much God is the center of it. 3 years and counting and I can see it lasting forever.

People in my family know the importance of marriage and I grew up knowing loving parents, loving grandparents. My grandparents have been married for 60 years. Next year, my parents will celebrate 40 years and this week my sister and her husband will celebrate 14 years of marriage. This is what I grew up knowing. Marriages that lasts through thick and thin. Me and Ramon look up to each of these people and know thats where we are going to end up one day. 

I dont know a couple of things. I dont know why people dont treat marriage as they should. I dont know why God put me through the heartache. But he gave me a beautiful son and now a marriage built off of trust, love, honesty, and God. He loves me when Im down and he loves me when Im happy. We can sit on different sides of the room and read or do our own thing but the entire time. Im loving him. 

He has been there for me more than anyone and I only have to thank God for that. He loves Drew and would do anything for either one of us. He may not have come from a steady family but I think he learned what not to do instead. I love him more than the day I met him. And I like forward to the rest of our lives together. 

Dear Drew

Drew,
 
    I could not believe the day I found out I was pregnant. I could not believe the day when they told me you were a peanut and I was 6 weeks along and to come to find out, I was already 12 weeks along! I could not believe when I was admitted to the hospital and finding out something was not going as planned. I could not believe when they told me I was being rushed to the operating room. I could not believe the day would come where I kissed you on your forehead and watched you leave the room. I could not believe the first time I got to hold you and the amount of love I already had for you. I could not believe the day when our future was changed. I could not believe that you, even at 1 month old, would teach me things in the months that came. I cannot believe the obstacles that have come your way and the way you dealt with them with such ease and confidence. I could not believe how big you looked your first day of Preschool and then your second year. And now as you start Kindergarten, I cannot believe how much of a grown boy you are turning into. I cannot believe how fast this has all this gone by...

But what I can believe is this. I believe that my pregnancy was a gift and a blessing from God. He knew what was planned and that I needed someone to help me through it. And for me, that person was you. I believe that having you so early was a blessing to show me that despite odds, anyone can make it through anything difficult. I needed someone to show me how to be strong and to fight, even now. And for me, that person is you. I believe that everything in life happens for a reason and God does know what he is doing. I needed someone that believed me and whose love would not wavier even in my darkest times. For me, that person was you. I believe that even when your life is not going the way you planned, that God has a plan. I needed someone to be there with me every step of the way, and for me that person was you. I believe that no matter the " living situation " or the back and forth between parents, that it does not matter because you have an overwhelming amount of love and support that surrounds you every day. I needed to you to know that we are doing the best for you and that I was doing what was best. Through your actions, love, joy. and laughter, you are proving me to every day, that I am doing my best. And whenever I doubt, you are the person that makes me smile and believe again.

And lastly,
I hope that the love you have been given and the love you share will get you through all of your days, even the tough ones. Because there will be tough ones. But just know, you will always have a pair of arms waiting to hug you when you come home.
I hope that make friends and even girlfriends. Ha. Some of these friends may end up being your best friends for life. I can only wish that for you because good friends are hard to find and best friends are even harder. Just dont break too many of the little girls' hearts..
I hope that you take every opportunity to learn as much as you can. I know its an old saying, but a good education does indeed take you far in life.
I hope you dream. I hope you love. I hope you laugh. I hope you know that God is with you each and every step.

I cannot put into words how much I love you and how proud of you I am. I am ever so thankful for God for placing you in my life. And always remember, that no matter how big you get, you will always be my baby.

Love,
Mommy

Who would you have supper with?

I have sit here morning after morning starting at this blank screen trying to think about something to blog about.  Then as I was watching tv someone asked the question, who would you have supper with dead or alive if you could choose. And you can only name 5. I thought this would be an easy question to answer and I was sure I would problems simplifying my list but my mind went blank. Was it bad that I couldnt think of 5 people much less I couldnt think of one! My mind was struggling but not one name popped up. The other sad thing was I could think of more people who I would NOT want to have supper with. 

The more I thought about it the more confused I got and so it was when I didnt think about it that I started coming up with names. So this list is not in order and it was not thought out so no judging. believe me I judged myself! LOL.

Oh yea and the reasons.. well I will give you the first reason that popped in my head and I hope its sufficient.. =)

1. Idina Menzel.... Not because of Glee but because of her career on broadway. And while some of her roles are not the best examples ( Rent.. she was great ) her voice is unbelievable. And the fact she has a family as well makes me smile. I follow her on Twitter and I love seeing her and Taye Diggs tweets back and forth and how much she loves her career and her family. To be able to have both is a dream and a dream of mine. I cant wait to see where her career goes!

2. Tom Hanks... I have always respected him as an actor and a person. I also love the fact that he such a family man. And that he seems to be such a down to earth man. His work in his movies blows me away sometimes and again, I cant wait to see where he is in years to come. He still has whole life ahead of him!

3. Natalie Grant... She is my all time favorite singer and songwriter. Her song " Held " became my life anthem when I was going through a divorce. The way she writes emotions into her songs and her words strike me everytime. It takes a lot for me to hear song over and over again and have my emotions go into a wreck. And yes that song has a personal connection but even then, all of her songs make me smile. And thats exactly what we all need in a world like this.

4. George W. Bush... By far my favorite President and without getting into politics I will leave it there. But he def deserves to be higher than number 4.

5. My husbands dad... He passed away years ago. Now while the relationship between him and Ramon may not have been peachy keen he still needs to know what kind of man Ramon grew up to be. And for that fact, he needs to know how all of children grew up. While I wish I could sit here and say their relationship was perfect at the time of his death, I cant. This is not my story to tell but I will say that out of all the people on this list, he may be number 1. I like to think that he knows what sort of man Ramon is. I would tell him that Ramon is every bit of a husband that God wants him to be. And that through everything, Ramon has been my rock. I cant imagine how hard is to begin a relationship with someone who has been through a rough divorce and has a child. But it was like he saw past all of that. He came into my life when I needed him the most. Besides a great husband, he is a great man. He loves, he cares. And he is great step father to Drew. These are the things he needs to know.