Hard Post....

I havent written in a while and partially because I spent the whole month of July in the hospital.. surprise surprise.. After a serious UTI, meds, 2 blood transfusions, 4 bags of iron and rest, after 22 days, I was released. I dont really remember much but I did have surgery, blew about 15 ivs and had 3 central lines placed ( because the radiologist messed up but thats a whole different story ) but I came out alive, once again and started to realize I was on the same road I was before. I had lost my job because, well they cant really hold your position when you are out that long, so here there I was. After going to my follow up drs appts, and realizing everything was going to back to normal, I realized one night, I had to do something. I was like stuck in this pattern and something had to give. I didnt know what, but as you all know, things do happen for a reason.
I have longed ago realized that people like to compare their lives to others. They like to make assumptions. They like to think that they have it all and if someone makes a move that they dont agree with, then they can either A) mind their own business  or B) make a fuss. Now I could make a fuss but I choose choice A. I used to think that what others thought of me mattered but not really anymore.
Sometimes in life you have to be selfish. You have to think of whats best for your and your kids if you have them and make the right move. I think we all have this part of our gut that tells us whether we are wrong or right and we may ignore it from time to tim but most of the time we do pay attention. Funny thing is, my gut said not a word to me. So as as begin to think about a new chapter, a new start, I also have to think about swallowing my pride and doing whats best for me and Drew. Keeping a job is really out of the picture at the moment, so disability it is. Funny thing is my lawyer said I should have got it a long time ago but heres where it gets me.
I look at Facebook often. I see my friends with careers, families and growing families and its tough to look at at times. I mean they are out there contributing to the world. They are out there making names for themselves. The biggest name I can make for myself would probably be in a medical journal cause nobody can figure me out. I am a 33 year old who has an adorable awesome son, awesome parents and amazing support system. So why am I complaining? Because its not what I saw coming for myself.
When I first got married, it was every girls dream. I married my best friend, we had a house and we started a family. We both had good jobs and then, as you all know, my life crumbled. That was my first test. And then through another marriage and sickeness, God has tested me over and over again. I keep my head held high and a smile on my face because thats all I know to do . But when nobodys looking, that smile can often turn into tears and fear. When you cant see in front of you, how you can possibly move on blindly? But I have. Each day is different and I dont know whats around the corner. But I have done what I feel is best for me and I feel happy about it. I feel like its the best move I could have made at the time and I am proud. And even though I may never have that perfect life, well for me, it has to be perfect. Everyone's perfect is different. And if you are one of those who thing you have it made, well good for you. But dont be so quick to judge others lives. You may never know what they are going through or what they have gone through, so their decisions, while not good in your eyes, may be just what they need.

Until then...

Another Day....

As words have escaped me each time I try to write this, I have now decided I am just going to go with it.
I am not sure the last blog I wrote and what it was about but Im just gonna start with the now. So the now...I have a new job that I love and literally fell in my lap. I have never had a job to where I was so happy. I love my coworkers and love everyone I work with.

As far as the guy things go. This is where things get weird and complicated, however he did me a huge favor. So the guy previously mentioned in past blogs is no longer. And this time, I really mean no longer. And as much as it hurt, as time went by it slowly began to hurt less and less. And some of his words that I didnt pay much attention to then, totally make sense now. And once again, something I didn't agree with or much listen to then, it really starting to make sense now. And I am thankful for that. For once, he was right, I was wrong. And although I will miss his friendship, it was for the best. I wish I had been strong enough to make that decision and not him, but either way. Its another lesson learned. We had some good times and those are what I will remember but in the end it would have never worked out and it was just best to completely let go of everything. And so I have. Its sort of what you have to do to be able to move on.

I have to think of everything I have been through to take the good out of those and focus on what makes me happy. And then learn from the bad. I have had several bumps in the road but those bumps made me into who I am right now. This very minute. If we don't experience those, we may never know who we truly are inside. So the combination of the girl I was back then and who I am now is a very changed, strong happy woman. Who loves her job, her family and is ready to get back out there. I will constantly be fighting my health. Its just something that I cant change. God will take care of that and every part of my life and I love that saying, Let Go and Let God. And I am.

Its not too often that you meet people that believe the same way you do. Or remind you of just exactly what you need to hear. I am lucky enough to have those people. No matter if its a church or home or wherever its like God places them just right where I need them with just the right words I need to hear.

So I fight every day to not let life win. Life has tried so hard to drain me of everything I ever had. And I refuse to let that happen. I start every day with a smile on my face, thank God for what I do have and pray to God that he takes care of the rest of it. I wake up now with a different outlook on life. I dont see the negatives but the positives. In every bad situation, I do believe there is good. And thats God. And thats what you have to focus on.

So as the next chapter of my life goes on, I can honestly say, I have changed. For the better. I am not who I was a year ago. I am someone who is not going to try to change to make someone happy. And as far as relationships go, if they cant accept me for who I really am and I truly believe in, then I wont do it. Patience is a virtue everyone needs. Its something I am working on. But am slowly starting to see how it pays off.

Thanks everyone for the thoughts and prayers. They mean more to me than you will ever know!

So once again, words seem to fail me. I have had so much go on that I am still trying to find a way to share it. Until then I have had a lot of Facebook comments on my last blog which included a video and how many more people wanted more.

So I decided okay.. since I haven't written in a while and I am singing this song in a couple of weeks.
It still needs a little work but I love the words. I am singing just with a acoustic guitar later and it sounds amazing.

Hope you all enjoy and I promise I will get back to writing soon=)

BTW-- I am about to hit 15K Views!! Thats a testament to each one of you watching and reading my blogs! THANKS!!

Click here for the song! Thanks for watching!

I Can Just Be Me

So I had a lot I was going to say in this blog but I decided to mix it up a little. I ran up across this song that Im singing on Sunday. And it spoke to me and sort of went a long with what I was going to write so Im sharing it in this blog. Its not the best quality. And I have my comfy clothes on however I really loved the words and hope you understand why I wanted to share this.

Heres the song!

Hope you enjoy!

BA

Peace

When singing in the contemporary services at Redwing, after the 1st service, the worship team goes in and has a mini devotional. A way we can connect with each other and have our own little group. It gives us time to talk , to listen, and to pray. Half of us know each other but not until we get into that room do we really get to know each other.
This past week I had the privilege of serving there and our devotional was on peace. When asked what people thought of when you first heard the word peace, there were the common answers, you know, the time the kids are in bed and its just you and your time, then there was the 60's and the peace sign, a waterfall, for me it was obviously being at home and not in the hospital. But then one spoke up and said what I think exactly what peace is. Its knowing that even though our day to day conflicts get in the way, our peace is knowing that this is not our life. When we die, theres the ultimate peace. He couldn't have hit it more right.
What is your peace? Often we find peace in our daily routines. We may even schedule that time that gives us that peaceful feeling. We take a couple of deep breaths, we feel our shoulders go down and our body starts to relax. For the mother, its when the kids are in bed and its just you. For the dad it could be the same, You are in your man cave and nobody is bothering you. For me, peace is knowing for right now Im typing this from a house and not a hospital bed. For others its knowing that there is a tomorrow. But how quickly that peace can change. Its beyond our reach. The kid can get out of bed. The kid can come in your man cave. I could end up really sick and back in the hospital. There may not be a tomorrow for some people. But the one peace we can all hold on to is that God is peace. No matter what we are facing here on earth, it doesn't matter because ultimately, we are going to be given that wonderful chance of experiencing eternal peace.
So while I do think its important to have your peaceful moments, because we all need them, we also need to realize that peace is reachable and it can be yours for the rest of your life. You just have to hold on to them. And those unpeaceful moments, well let those be lessons on how you handle those moments. And keep praying that God will handle everything and give you well.. peace.

30 hours straight

Yes. That above is how long I have been awake. Could be stress. Could be this. Could be that. But this and that need to go somewhere. I so envy those of you that can just lay down and go to sleep. For those of us who cant, its a daily struggle. And yes, I was on medicine if you were wondering. But with my recent kidney removal and now renal failure ( 22% --- 20% you go on the transplant list ) I guess I was trying to avoid anything I thought would make it worse. But this has to got to stop.
Anyhow, I have sat down at my computer ( well really, I have had it my lap while on the couch or bed ) and just stared at a blank screen. Either I have nothing or too much to write about. But this morning as I was cruising Facebook. a friend of mine, who also was awake, said something at the end of her status that caught my attention. " Sometimes you just have to count your blessings and go on " I dont know why that struck me, but it at least gave me something to think about ( like I needed anything else going on in this head of mine )
So it makes total sense. With all of the bad in the world and stuff we face on a personal level, its easy to forget those blessings. Even as little as they are. And for me, well, to be honest, they have become quite hazy. Its easy to focus on everything wrong in our lives. Its easy to feel down for ourselves and accept defeat. I dont understand why this is. But hey, I do it too. You tend to overlook the simple things in life. The things that once made you happy. The things we take for granted. For some people the blessings are their " bad " things. Your job, family, home, car, money, relationships... some count these as blessings. Others count them as their downfalls. I could go down the list of everything I have been through and while people look at me and dont blame me, I do overlook the simple things. I guess its because my downfalls are with me everyday. I never know from one day to the next if Im gonna get sick again. Or when it will be the last straw for this kidney of mine. My job is pretty much gone. So its like I get hit in the face over and over again. But right now Im good. I have a wonderful son who loves me no matter what. I have parents that help me and love me. I have a house and a car. And I have friends. So why arent I more focused on those?
Its one of those battles we all face. We all accept defeat in certain aspects in our life. But its those little things called blessings that we need to focus on. So, I guess on those really bad days, the days where you think nothing is going right, take a pen and a piece of paper and write down everything good in your life. It may just help you after all.

Settle

I find myself at a crossroads however there only 1 path that I see. Its the one that is right in front of me. The one that is the closest. The one that I can reach out and touch. The one that has the light. The one that means I have settled. For others, there may be different paths. Some easy. some hard and some unknown. For me, I have settled.
Settling in can be seen as good or bad. In all aspects of life, we all settle. Whether its our job, our family, our relationships, we settle. I had a friend tell me the other day, to go out and get what I want. But what happens when want we want isnt offered to us? What happens when we go out and we fail? Do we get back up? Do we try something new? Or do we just go back to that same old path we have fallen into the last couple months or even years. There are tons of reasons we can tell ourselves. That path is scary. Its dark and gloomy and full of obstacles. Or that path is too narrow or too wide and would force us to be uncomfortable for a while. But what we cant see is what is at the end.
We all know the phrase, take the path least traveled. Easier said than done. For me, it seems my path is full of falling branches. Everywhere I take a step, theres something in my way and it forces me back. Instead of trying to get over it, I back up. Its like I take steps forward and the path is clear and for a moment, its clear. I can see straight ahead and I can imagine anything I want. But then, things start to get in the way. The path becomes dark and I cant see ahead anymore. I stand there for a moment thinking do I press ahead? Or do I go back where it safe. And that is what I have been doing. Settling for the safe place. A place where no harm can be done. A place I know very well. But lets face it, its not getting me anywhere.
I have several paths in my life. From my relationships to jobs to my health. And each holds its own future, really never intertwining with each other. Each one is unique, but how I treat them should be the same.
I havent done such a swift job at any of them. Im safe. Im content. But in order for me to progress in not only these categories but in life as well, I have to face to obstacles in front of me and go around and press on. I have to dodge them the best I can and if I cant dodge them, then face them head on. Each time I get sick or lose a job, I should start seeing them as opportunities instead of obstacles. I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason. But here lately, even that has become foggy.
So I am holding on. Holding on to a hope that is at the end of each path. And instead of settling and going down the path always traveled. maybe I need to go to my right or left and venture in. Who knows what I will find. But I will never know until I go. Until I take the first step into the unknown. Its scary. Its mind blowing, but it could something amazing.