Its Turkey Day!

So I cannot go a holiday without writing something. So it is Thanksgiving. And I have way to much to be thankful for to list them all. Mostly this year, I am just thankful that for once Im healthy ( well getting there ) and beyond all medical reasons, I am going to be sitting at the table sharing good food and good times with some of the greatest people I know. 
Some of the greatest memories I have are from the holidays. And they bring a smile to my face. We used to have at the clubhouse in the park I grew up in because we had so many people. And while some arent with us anymore, the memories still last. And then we have some in other parts of the US that cant be with us but are there in our hearts. What I wouldnt give to have one huge Thanksgiving with every bit of my family from both sides. ( Even though I like the cold, I think my aunt and uncle could do great in Arizona having us all out there lol ) But they are celebrating in their own ways. And just thankful that we are all together in our memories and hearts. 
This Thanksgiving will probably be one of my hardest. Do you ever just look around and observe? And to think that my chair should have been empty gets me every time. But its not by the grace of God. While we wont have a HUGE family, its still family that I have ate with ever since I was born. I love traditions and I vow to not let this one change. The food alone is great but the company even better. And yes, we still have two tables. And yes even at 30, I still eat at the kids table. How else could we burn silverware and melt it into great little artsie stuff. LOL... I love my family and the memories we make each year. And even though we are missing some of them, we have a brand new addition to the table this year. And I have Drew. So they carry on. I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving and take the time to relish every bit of it because you never know when it may be your last. I didnt want this to be a long complicated blog but there are some things Im thankful for that I want to list. And I hope everyone has a great day!

My Thank You's

Ramon - For being the wonderful husband you are. You have been my absolute rock through everything and picked me up many times. You are the love of my life and I couldnt live a day without you. You have seen me through good and bad and still love me. I thank God each day for you for loving me and Drew. 

My Parents - Wow. You have seen me through more than anything parents should. But you have stood by my side through it all. Thank you for raising me in such a loving Christian home and showing the sort of love you have. You are the reason that I look up at God so much because I see him through the love you have not just for me but for our family. Words can never be enough. 

My sister - You are my absolute influence. You are a great sister, friend, wife, mother and most of all one of the most Godly women I know. When I was so sick, everyone said that I soon as I knew you were there, I got better. I hate that we are so far apart and even though we dont see each other a lot just know I love you and miss you so much. Just hearing your voice makes my day better and I couldnt ask for a better sister and friend in my life.

My grandparents - Even though two of my grandparents are passed away, they have always had an influence  on me.I wish I had more time with them but I cherish the time I did have. To my nanny and pa. I l love you both. I am so lucky to have you and be able to see you alot. Drew thinks the world of you all and I have loved watching him fall in love with you all. I cannot put in words how much your love means to me. I always remember when I got sick, I wanted you all there and even at 30, I still need you more than you know. You two show me Gods love every day and just know that I am forever thankful for everything you have ever done. I coudnt imagine a day without you in my life. 

My family - I have been so blessed to have such a wonderful loving family. Each of you mean so much to me. And even though we dont see each other as much, know that I love you and think of you all each day. Its amazing to me that God has blessed me with each one of you. Through some of my hardest times, I knew that I could pick up the phone or get in the car and you all would be there. Its that love that got me through. And even though I dont say it as much, thank you. 

Drew - You are almost 5 and mommy cant believe it! You will never know what a miracle you were to me. Starting out at 3lbs you were so small and so fragile. You have grown up in some unforuntate conditions but you are one of the strongest and caring boys I will ever know. You also will never know much how you saved me. I needed you more than anything and just hearing I love you mommy and your hugs and kisses make my day. And even at 1 month old, you made me believe in life and hope. I love you so much and just know that I am too thankful for you more than you ever will know. I see God through you as well and it makes me smile=) Dont ever lose that heart you have or even that attitude just because its so cute at times. And live your life to fullest knowing that I have your back no matter what.

My friends - Old and new. Yours all love and thoughts and prayers have surrounded me through good and bad times. I love that even though we dont talk each day, I can pick up the phone and there you are. God has put some amazing influences in my life and you all are to be included. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone=) 

What If...

A couple of weeks ago, there was a question asked amongst our small group. It went something like .. If I would have never ________ then I would have never ___________. ( Something close to that ) I wont share my answer for that night but it was based on the lines of I am glad to be at the church I am at =) But it got me to thinking lately, about the what if's in our lifes? And why are we so concentrated on them? How many people get up each morning and say what if I would done this? Or what if I would have done it that way? Even spanning back to years and years ago in their lives. Im guilty as charged but its something I have been working on. Yes I can go back and say I wish I would have done it this way then I wouldnt have experienced what I did and my life would have turned out much better. But would it have? Since I didnt take that path, there is no way of telling if it would have worked out the way it did in my head.
I will give you a prime example. Ever since I was in Kindergarten I wanted to be a " weather girl " ( Its 7am and I dont feel like spelling that out lol ) I didnt want to be on the camera but I wanted to be behind the scenes studying it. Why things happen when they do. Especially storms and tornadoes. ( One day I will go on a chase.. my ultimate dream!! ) I had this dream up until high school, literally. Then along comes high school love and it sets you back. Now on my senior year, I had to figure out whether I wanted to go to Oklahoma and get my degree in Meteorology ( yay I think I spelled it right ) or stay here where my " love " was and be with him. Well you know my decision. I stayed here and worked and got my degree from EKU in Public Relations. At that points, my life was going in a good direction so I didnt regret my decision.
I dont think you ever regret the decision you make until something goes bad. And then you think, oh crap, what have I done? After graduation, building a beautiful house and becoming pregnant, I thought I had it all. And the thoughts on leaving KY after high school never even crossed my mind until that dreadful day of when I found out about my husband then. ( Wont go into details, see previous blogs... ) So during the divorce, thats when they what if's hit in and hit in hard. What if I would have went to Oklahoma? Then this wouldnt have happened. ( In my mind, it wouldnt have ) What if I would have been a better wife or kept the house cleaner or did more to prove I loved him? I mean the questions would beat down so hard on me that I would lose sleep. And for about a year, thats how I lived. Going back in my years past and thinking about what if I would have done it? And then it clicked. God knew what he was doing when he sent me down this path. It didnt really click though until I was spending time with Drew. Knowing that he wouldnt have been there if I would have done the what ifs earlier. Then I met my husband. I would have never know the sort of love he shows me every day and the real and true meaning of marriage. God knew exactly why he sent me down this road. I just didnt want to see it in his way. And even today I can go back and do the what ifs. But I really try not to. There is a reason we dont do them. God plans it. He knows what is best for us and in his time, not ours. he shows us. So as I struggle here and there I keep that in mind. I am not the one steering my life. I am here to serve God and to use his talents. And to live my life the way he wants me to. And thats what I strive to do every day. Its not perfect but who is?
So when the what ifs hit you., think about the good things that God has gave you out of them. He has given me plenty and I cant say I dont have regrets because I do,  ( thats a whole nother blog ) but out of the regrets and the what ifs I have grown into a strong woman who can face anything. Thanks God=) You truly are amazing=)

Thankful...

With everything I have went through you would think " Thankful" would be the last title for this blog. People this time of year always posts what they are thankful for. And while I have not participated this year, does not mean I am not thankful for anything but I think I am just to thankful for everything. God, family, friends and life itself. When you start getting into specifics it would take more than a month for me to write them all down. To be honest , except for the last week when I was hooked up in the hospital , I have sat down at this computer trying to think what to write about. And this morning, I guess I will take a shot.
God has given me a lot of hills and mountains to get over the last couple of months. But in return, he has given me the strength and resources to get through them. It is like they say, God will never give you more than you can handle. He has also provided me with a church and a loving small group and a wonderful music minister who has given me the chance to share my talents with the church. This has been a blessing in itself. Its so great to know that these people are praying for you and are there for you whenever you need them. He has given me family. A wonderful and supportive husband and parents who have been there from day 1. I am so blessed to have such wonderful parents who love me unconditionally and show me everyday. My son who just a hug and I love you mommy lights up my world. And grandparents who would do anything to take this pain away from me.
You would think with all of this that going through the miscarriage and the hospital stay that I would be good as new. But Im not. Im so emotionally wrecked that I just want to crawl up somewhere and stay. And I know that is when I need God and everyone the  most. But no matter the amount of hugs or thoughts sometimes I think you just need time to heal. I think I have let myself cover everything up that I havent given myself time for that. So as I pour myself into getting my house back into order, if I cry, I cry. If I just want to go be by myself in the back, I will. But most of all, my quiet time with God is growing and I start on yet another adventure back to normal, if there is such a thing, I just have to remember to breathe and to love God and my life. And to be thankful=)