Trying

Its a simple word. Its one word. Its a word we use often but in what context do we actually use and it and mean it? As a a faithful Greys Anatomy watcher, this weeks episode sort of prompted me to to write about this. Usually it takes something like that to get my mind going and sure enough it did. But it led me down so many roads, I wasnt sure and really am still not really sure on which path I am going to follow to make this blog post make sense. Then I thought about a conversation I had with a friend the other night. And the word took on a completely different meaning. 

As kids, we try a lot. And as parents we force our kids to try a lot. Whether its new food, to behave, pay attention.. we are pushing that word down their throats on a daily basis. Now Im not saying its a bad thing because as we all now, if we dont try new things, we will never know if we like them or not. But I started to think about how that word takes on a whole different meaning as we start to grow up, especially in our adulthood. If we no longer have people telling us to try new things, what are we telling ourselves to try and do?

Do we challenge ourselves to try and do new things? Do we venture out of our comfort zones to try something different? Or do we just sit back and wait for someone else to do it for us or even ask us to do it. And even then, are we just as hesitant now as we may have been when we were kids? 

So this brings to me to an even deeper question. Do we not try, or try too hard? Back to my friend. I respect her in every single way just because she refuses to give in. Shes had it pretty rough when it comes to relationships and while most women would try and stick around to make it work, she gets out. And she should. But she has the guts to do it and wont settle. Where as, most of us, including me would settle it meant it was the easy way out. In her case, trying is not an option because she has a heart of steel and follows her gut to the tee. She knows when something is not right and she gets out. Shes a very smart woman and someone all women wish they could be. I guess my point is, do we get ourselves into situations into where, whether right or wrong, we try our dang hardest to make it right for us, for another person or for the situation just so we can walk away happy. 

Do we get so content with trying to make our lives shape out the way we want them to be that we are willing to try and do anything to make that work.. even though, in the end, its all for the wrong reason. Are we trying in the wrong form or fashion? And why do we? If we know the ending is going to be same, why do we try and prolong the situation? Most of the time, its to avoid something. If we can get one more day then good we got it made. But then that day comes and goes and we are faced with it again, so we try again. Maybe this time, other tactics. After all, we were taught to try new things right? 

Just like my hike today. Im an idiot to think I could do that and not pay for it with all sorts of pain later. But I tried it anyhow and pushed myself to the limit. I made it and it was gorgeous and Im glad I did it. And everytime Eric asked if were okay, of course I said yes. I have mastered the face of Im fine. Although I think hes beginning to learn that fake face lol. 

My point is, that trying is okay to a point. But you shouldnt try to prolong things if they are only going to hurt you in the end. Its okay to try it and admit defeat. Thats what comes along with adulthood. If  I could throw out a personal situation, I would but so far all my tries are turning out for the best. So to my friend, heres to you for trying when you need to but knowing when to turn away. I love you to death and someday, maybe you wont have to try at all!

Dang you Nicholas Sparks

This sort of goes hand in hand with a previous posts called " Are Girls Brainwashed " As we were trying to figure out on a movie to go and see the other night ( went and saw Gone Girl, in which I had read almost all of the book and was psycho ) we were almost headed to see The Best of Me. Now I would have chosen the latter one but I was trying to be nice and not hit Eric over the head with another chick flick. I havent read the book but I know what happens and I knew I would be a crying blubbering mess. And I also knew it would be just another Nicholas Sparks approach into getting girls to believe in this deep love that existed in some point of time. Now guys, Im not blaming you but I do think you could learn something from him. He may go overboard with the I love you scenes but they are girls novels and its nice to be taken somewhere nice every now and then and pretend you are the that girl who is being loved so truly and deeply. I dont go back and compare everything to my past because well we just dont. However I do like to be taken away now and then to the place where these couples are. To feel what they do and however not all of their experiences are great, some of those scenes in this movies just make you melt.
It also does you make you earn for that one guy. That one guy to love you truly and that deeply. A kind of love where sometimes no words need to be spoken but just the look alone. tells you what the other one is thinking. Ive seen it. I can even say Ive experienced it. But I dont want it to be just a once upon a time thing, I want it to be a forever thing. Now given my track record, I blame Sparks for putting all these thoughts in my mind. That one day, I too, will find and experience that. I know people say it takes time to find that certain someone. But I think sometimes people just know. Now dont get ahead of yourself... Im not about to place someone name here and freak out everyone who reads this but Im just saying. Its nice to know that one day I will experience that. It may not be of Sparks words or scenes from the movies but its my love story. Everyone has their own and Im learning that it may be not be a classic fairy tale happily every after, every couple has their own fairy tale love story. And, without passing judgement, or thinking Im getting way too far ahead of myself. I like to think, whether it lasts or not, every love story is a story. And its our own. And however it started or ends or what happens in the middle, it has every concept of a story. And although mine has just begun, I still consider it my love story and although I cant see the middle or ending, its just fun adding a sentence or chapter to it every day. And I know there will be conflicts and make ups but thats what makes up a story. To each our own. And Im living mine out=)

An overdue blogpost.....

So my charger is still kaput and thats why the blog posts have been coming slower and slower. There is so much that has changed since my last post that I cant even remember what I posted last time. But I can assure you that the last post, I had 2 kidneys, in now which I only have 1. After some thinking and another annoying infection, it was time to get it out. So on Oct 6, out it came. In all of its glory. It was inflammed and was well quite ugly. And oh did I mention the day before, I had to move out of my house into my parents while I am on leave and off work. But I can assure you as soon as I get well and back to to work and back with money, Im looking for a place.
Yes I am still with the same guy. I wish in a way, we could fast forward our relationship or have this had happened way into our relationship so maybe getting a place together would seem not such a bad idea. To be prefectly honest, I dont know what or where I am going to be in 6 months, but I would hope, still with Eric, and a house or a townhouse and the same job. I say the same job just because I really like it. Lets just say what it is, My happily ever after went out the door years ago. Every little girls perfect dream life isnt mine anymore. It just had to have some tweaking done to it. And it is still well in the works. I dont know what my happily ever after is anymore. All I know is I hope it includes some of whats going on on now and the people in it. Its funny how your whole perspective can change after such a dramatic change in your life. I just want it balanced and normal for once. Now that I think my health is getting that way, its just the other things that God has to put in place for me.
So Eric. I try to keep some things to myself and out of the public eye just until Im sure. I would hate to post something and then have it all untrue by the next post. So from my view, he was very unexpected. I mean, I thought I would date here and there but I never thought I would fall for someone, just that one person, so quick. But it wasnt like I could help it. I would say he even tried to push me away and I think in a way we both just knew it wasnt going to stay that way. For once, I wasnt going to back down from something I liked having in my life. I had learned at that point that life was too short and I liked having him around, so why not fight for it. Well I guess fate gave in, because well 3 months later, hes still around. And I like having him around. My parents seem to like him and Drew as well. So I guess that passes the test. The one thing I have learned is that we are totally different people.I am so outwards with my feelings and he is not. However we have come to some sort of equal so its working. And I guess we will leave it at that. He is not from here so I havent the chance of meeting the rest of his family ( only his brother ) I am looking forward to it. A bit nervous I have to say but I guess as long as I am myself, they can either like me or not like me. Of course, Im going with the I hope they like me because I really like Eric. And if anything I hope they see that I have only the best interest at heart when it comes to him, I have been hurt so bad in the past that doing something to hurt him, I would never do. And I think its the same with him. He honestly, has become someone I can talk to about anything and thats what I look for in a person. He knows about my past and passes no judgement and thats important to me. He likes me for me and not for what descriptions may be floating above my head.. There are so many ways to describe me that I have given up. All I know is what I have overcome and what God has put me through to get me to this point. I am happy again.
I am finding who I was before. And Im not letting someone or some guy define that.
So who knows where this blog will be in 6 months. All I know is for right now, at this very moment. I am one happy girl. And I have a lot to be thankful for. =)

T minus 2 days with my kidney

Yup, its almost go time. Monday morning starts my journey without a kidney. And the closer it gets, the more scared I become. I was relieved at first just because of all my dealings with the constant stones and infections and emergency rooms visits and missing work and missing life in general. But then the closer it gets, all of the bad things that could go wrong come floating in my head. I know this this is the same way with every surgery and I know its a very general surgery now but when its being done to you, it almost feels like you are the only one on the planet that has gone through these struggles and the only one that is having this done. Its like you have been singled out out of everyone else to have this happen to.
Then on top of this, I have to be out of the house by Sunday. So instead of having a nice relaxing weekend of resting or just being out and about and enjoying the time I wont be in pain, is being spent packing up boxes and trying to get stuff moved to my parents and a storage building. Luckily I have help ( and hes cute by the way lol ) but its just way too much. So yes I have known this date for a while but I guess I have been putting it off thinking something would happen and give me some extra time to at least get well after my surgery then have to worry about it. But not in my world will that ever exist. In my world it pours and floods all at once. Always has and something tells me it always will.
However in the midst of all this craziness is this guy. If you read my previous post,  ( if you havent, you need too ) you will see what Im talking about. Well everything is still going really well. And that even scares me. I mean, have I actually done something right? Is this actually going to turn out to be good and actually last? I hate to say it but so far so good. For someone to know my past and not judge me for anything and know where Im coming from and what I have been through and still want to be with me just amazes me still. And I actually love him for that. We have both been burned in the past so we understand that in each other. And it seems like everyday, we learn something else we have in common or at least things we learn from each other. He has taught me things about myself and I think, in return, have helped him. And coming from a person who always wondered and cared about what other people thought about her, thats a lot. Because I know everyone has their own opinion about this relationship and to be honest, for the first time in my life, and I truly mean the first time, I dont care. Whether people think Im moving too fast ( which Im not ) or whatever, I know what I feel and I know where I stand, I am not about to myself in a situation in which I think Im gonna be hurt right away or vise versa. I would never do that to him either. He knows where I stand. I know where he stands and thats what matters.So as far as Im concerned, Im happy. And my family and faith and God and him are keeping me that way. And I know this weekend will be rough but thats when I am really blessed to have certain people in my life to keep me sane. And for those of you have said a prayer or a thought keep them going... Im gonna need them!