Where To Go From Here

I can't say that each day gets easier. I can't say that I don't break down and cry at the very thought of him. I can't tell you that taking down all of our pictures in the house was easy and down with a a dry eye. I can't tell you I don't start crying even on Facebook when I run upon a picture of us, even the pictures we took the Sunday before he left. I look around and see him everywhere. I wake up in the middle of the night and the other half of the bed is empty and it seems like my arms stretch for miles just trying to find him. I still wait for that door to open and it be him.I hear a song that takes me back to a time with him. I just can't say anything.

I wish I could give details on what happened. I wish I had those details. But when you are married to someone over 3 years and known them almost all of your life, and then all of a sudden they are gone, it hurts. I haven't heard from him. I haven't seen him. He refuses to talk to me. How can someone just run out of your life like that? My son had surgery and the least he could have done was to ask how he was. I know he loved Drew and I know Drew loved him. Every night we say our prayers and Drew asks God to bring him back to us. That kid is something else. He's been stronger through this than I have honestly. 

I would bring up the fact that his whole family has dismissed me. Almost like I don't exists. I don't know what I did But not only did I lose him but I lost another family who just refuses to talk to me as well. 

As far as Ramon goes, I don't even know. I don't know if he's afraid to come back and talk. I really don't know. I can't ask anyone because nobody responds. Its like I didn't even exist. I just wish someone would tell me he's okay. I do still care about him. In my mind thought, he doesn't care about me or Drew anymore. And I have to let that go. And just know God is looking over us. Ive been hurt so much. The scars on my heart can tell the stories. I just want to know that part of him is hurting. Just a bit. That he does recognize I was and still his wife at the moment. I just want to hear him. Even if its a simple conversation. And as far as these counselors go ( that are not Christian based) and told him to not even consider going to marriage counseling, well if I have words for them. But I will ekkp this G Rated. 

I know it will get better. Going through this divorce is going to be tough. But I have great family, a new awesome job and faith and my God who has his hands on me and Drew each and every day. I just pray that Ramon feels God too. I fear that he's gonna lose that relationship with him. 

Thanks for the prayers and words of encouragement. You all really don't know what that means to me. 

My left ring finger is so much lighter now

Before anyone asks... yes me and Ramon are in the middle of a divorce. The reason.. well your guess is as good as mine. He packed and up and left all of a sudden on the 21st and then I receive an email from him a week later saying he was done. Then filed for a divorce. Yes people, my marriages ended through an email. He won't talk or listen to me. And I haven't seen him in over 3 weeks. But you can only imagine what is going through my head at the moment.

Im going to keep this one pretty short because I don't want to say anything I will regret later. If anything I will say after almost 4 years of marriage, I was blind sided. Im upset. Im mad and probably every emotion in between. I have no closure basically because I got an email.. at least I deserved in person on on the phone. Drew and I would appreciate your prayers as we struggle with this. And I guess for Ramon as well. I don't know where he is or what happened.

Thanks.

Forcing to go to church?

Ive been seeing this blog thats been going around for the last couple of days. Its title " Why I Would Never Force my Kids to go to Church"
Check it out here!
The title was intriguing enough for me to read and after I was done I thought to myself how true that was!
I got to thinking about my childhood. My parents were both raised in church and actually met in church. Therefore, you can imagine my sister and I were " forced " to go to church as children. I can so vividly remember waking up on Sunday mornings and going in to the living room, getting on the couch, putting my gown over my legs and burying my head in the pillow to block the light until it was time to eat and get dressed. I would always say a prayer that my parents would say," Oh, we aren't going today. You can go back to bed." But God never heard THAT prayer... When did parents start trumping God? =) I also remember my cousins lived diagonally from us and every Sunday they were forced to do the same thing. They had to go past our church to get to theirs. And every Sunday we would leave about the same time. If we were leaving and their door was opened , or vise-versa, we would call because that usually meant someone was sick.  ( They were also active in their church and my aunt and uncle are watching their children still go  to church along with their grandson! )   And that was really the only reason we ever stayed home on a Sunday morning, Sunday night or Wednesday night.My parents were both involved in teaching and me and my sister were part of choir and groups and Sunday School. We went to VBS at our church and my cousins church. Now I used the word forced but I want to say that I use that loosely. I can't ever remember hating church. I liked it on Sunday nights and Wednesday nights because I didn't have to get up. But I ended up loving it. I was saved at a camp but I got baptized in that church. ( In which I fell down the stairs first and was already wet before I got dunked in the water  ) I made friends and loved the small church atmosphere.
Skip to many years later, after some bumps along the way, Im still involved in church. There were times after I moved out of my parents and got married that I didn't feel forced to go. I wanted to go. However I started to see my current spouse as the parent, forcing me to go some Sundays that I don't want to.
That got me to thinking... I sing about 3 Sundays a month in different campuses and services for Calvary. I love it and wouldn't have it any other way. But the Sunday Im "off" we usually go to the first service and I can enjoy it with my family. The Sundays which I have Drew, we make him go. He argues sometimes, but never regrets it when he gets there. He loves singing and honestly loves learning about God. Even at 6, he's already quoting verses and asking more and more about God. When Im having a bad day, he will come and love on me. And that just shows me that God is working through this child and that Im doing the same thing that my parents did for me. Even though he doesn't go when he is with dad, Ramon and I are still laying a strong foundation for him. And I can only pray that his love for God and church will grown and that one day, I will seel him doing the same with his kids.
But there are Sundays that I don't want to go. I don't want to get up because I want to sleep ( And we all know I get a plenty of sleep during the week due to the whole not having a job thing ) Thats when my spouse becomes a past parent. He forces me to get up and go. And when I do, I don't regret it.
Our wedding vows didn't mention church. They didn't mention that one spouse was to force the other one to go somewhere when they didn't want to. But the vows didnt have to read this. My husband was bought up the same way. If it weren't for him, I would have never heard half of the sermons that I really needed to hear.
So parents, go to church. Make your kids go. And spouses, rely on each to force one to go. God depends on us to make a difference while were here on Earth and what a great way to start=)

Just another year....

So we have hit 2014. Well, we hit it a couple of months ago but given this is my first post of the new year, Happy New Year!! So while I would have loved to start this post out by saying how great this year is going, I can't lie. I lost my job again, have already been in the hospital and have had some bad blood work results. Yea my year is starting off great.
I have tried to make the best of it. By doing more around the house and my husband I joined a gym and started working on our health. I am proud of him and can't wait to see where we both are in 6 months. On top of that, I am doing Weight Watchers again because this has proved successful for me in the past.
I was talking to a friend as almost all of this was going on. And I looked at him and told him I don't know if I can handle it anymore and how strong I couldn't be. I just needed to break down. His response was simple, " You need to break every now and then." The more I thought of this, the more I thought it was a little silly. I needed to break? Wasn't I supposed to stay strong for my family, for my son, for me? It would be so much easier to not but aren't we supposed to face life's challenges standing straight up?
Maybe this wasn't life's challenge. Maybe this was God's challenge. But even so, I had enough already. And each time it just gets harder. So maybe I needed to break. Maybe I needed to show God that I was broken and I needed him to put me back together. Whats the point of acting like you have it together when inside, you have nothing left. I admit, this has been the hardest time for me. Even when I look at the past, I just can't seem to wrap any rhyme or reason around what has happened. So one day, while I was here alone, I broke down. I got on my knees in the middle of my living room floor and just let it go. I talked to God and probably in some form, screamed at him. And then I rose and I sang to him. All within 10 minutes of each other. Only he can understand what was going on in my heart. And why this had to be done.
To this day, my favorite song has always been " Held" by Natalie Grant. I have said it in previous posts, but this song is true and says the truth.

This is what it means, to be held. How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive.
This is what is is, to be loved, and to know, that the promise is, when everything fails, we'd be held.

Im glad he he promised us this. This is why we can break down. This is why we don't have to be strong for anyone. He is holding us through good and bad times. But most all, when we break down, he is still holding us.
So my friend was exactly right, I needed to break down. I needed to let God see that side and then let him begin the healing process. He just needs to start putting me back together for his will. In his eyes. And in the meantime, my family will do just fine=)

Forgive and Forget

I know. I went and said I would be better about writing but however I have been horrible. So forgive me!

Speaking of forgiving... I have been toying around with this writing about this for a while. I didnt know how to approach it or what stance to take but I knew I wanted to say something. So here goes

Forgiveness. Its something that we deal with everyday. Whether its forgiving a friend for saying something about you , a co-worker for getting you in trouble, a child who promised they would do something or maybe not on a daily basis.. but maybe its a parent who wasn't there when you needed them, or a spouse who didnt take the wedding vows as serious as you. There are all sorts and categories of forgiveness but its easy to say I forgive you, but to say it and truly mean it is something else. And to say you can forgive and forget, well I dont know that is truly possible.

Now Im gonna step on some toes when I go into this but isnt it best to be truthful and not write what people want to to hear? Matthew West recently wrote a song called " Forgiveness "The story behind it is a lady who forgave a man who killed her daughter while driving drunk. To hear her story is amazing.  And to hear his response is once again pretty awesome.

Heres the link if you havent heard or read the story. Believe me, its a must read.
Check the story out here!

And one phrase from that story from Matthew West made me think and re think again about the whole concept.

"In Philip Yancey’s book What’s So Amazing About Grace?, he describes forgiveness as an unnatural act.  I could not agree more.  He writes, “I never find forgiveness easy, and rarely do I find it completely satisfying.  Nagging injustices remain, and the wounds still cause pain.  I have to approach God again and again, yielding to him the residue of what I thought I had committed to him long ago.  I do so because the Gospels make clear the connection:  God forgives my debts as I forgive my debtors.”

But do we actually need to forget what happened? 

So as everyone knows my story, I can truly say, I juggled with forgiveness for a long time. Its easy to tell someone I can forgive you without thinking about it. But as time goes on, its more apparent that maybe you cant forgive that person. That its going to take a lot longer than you think to fully and truly say those words and mean it. And when more than one person is involved, its even trickier. For some of you, still dealing with this, I say its okay to take your time. I dont think its something you can just jump into. I believe some things are not worth saying if you dont truly feel it. 

For me, I did jump into it quick. I thought this was the way to save my marriage. But then it hit me. Maybe I could forgive, but could I ever forget? Would I ever forget? The simple answer is no. So with time, prayer and faith, I began to try and look at the situation in different lights. Was it right for my husband to have an affair? No. Was it right for some woman to go ahead with the affair knowing that he was married and about to have a child? No. How could I possibly forgive them for messing up my life. For messing up my happily ever after. Clearly, they werent feeling the pain. They werent worried about anything but being together and booting me out. The wounds were open and painful. And they were there for the whole world to see. Getting the sympathy looks at church and at work were horrible. Even the Bible says this was wrong. How could God expect me to forgive someone for doing this to me and our son?

But after time, it began to dwindle. The emotions of hate and sadness soon turned to joy and laughter. I knew I could stand on my own two feet and I knew that God had been with me the whole time. I knew I needed to forgive them, but I just couldnt do it. Not yet.

I remember sitting at home one night. Drew was with his father and I was home alone. I dont exactly remember what I was doing but I remember it hitting me. I started praying and I knew God was telling me, forgiveness. And I did. At that moment, in the silence of my house, I forgave them. And it was what I needed to move on. To push on and remember the past as what was good and not the bad.

Im not sure I will ever forget but I can use that as good. I can say, I got past it. I was strong and I overcame. I can say that even after everything. I forgive them. 

And now I am in a marriage where God is the center. Where Drew looks up to my husband as another Godly father figure. Where I know what it truly means to be married and to love truly and deeply. 

God is forgiveness. He forgives us every day for our sins. Hes the reason we have a home after this life. And when you think about it that way, forgiving people in our lives should be something we all do. And this is coming from experience...

Ive seen it heal a broken heart.

Ive seen it mend a family.

Ive seen it turn hatred into happiness. 

Family and Stuff

I try not to blog about to personal of things. Sometimes, its just best not to let the whole world in on what you are feeling or experiencing. Then again, writing has always been the one way I let things out and might as well use it again.. but we will start with the good thing!
Most of you all know I have a job now. God must have known what he was doing when he let those other jobs pass because I love this job and so far so good!! Its exactly what I was looking for and within 2 days of putting in my resume, I had an interview and then a couple of hours later, I was offered the job. I was at the end of my rope but like always, God was there to pull me up when I needed him the most. I know I know, people told me to be patient but I didnt know how much longer my family could have waited. God took care of us through this past year and he will continue to do so. I am proud to say my faith may have been shaken but it never left. And that was thanks to lots of prayers and lots of faith and support. So for anyone of you who said a prayer, thanks=)
And so now for the not so good stuff. Have you ever felt things change in other peoples lives because of you? Well this week it has hit me hard. When Ramon came into my life, it was the best thing ever. And in return it felt like it was the best in his life. I never wanted to feel like I was taking someone from someone or change it to where simple traditions were compromised. I know having a child already was an extra stress on Ramon but he never acted like that. He embraced us both from day 1 and to this day he has become another Godly male presence in Drews life, one I am so grateful for.
Now without saying anything point blank, my family is close. We have traditions, we do things together. It doesnt matter who is invited, if they are family, it doesnt matter who or what or where. Im used to that. But for some reason, me and my child has caused some changes to occur. Some that Im not used to and some that I blame myself for. For some reason, I cant let it go and I should. Ramon lets things go and I dont. Thats a huge mistake of mine. I let things get to me and I have to say something. Sometimes, its for the good and sometimes I need to keep my mouth shut. In this instance, I have kept my mouth shut and I will but when it comes to family. I shutter at the thought that I could disrupt anything or keep anyone from spending time with their family.
 But I have to remember that I came with a package and the only person that should care does care. He cares for both of us and loves Drew as his own. God placed him in our lives for reasons I know and reasons that day to day I continue to find out. I am thankful for his love, support and acceptance. And as far as other things, well, it gets to me. But I have a family who loves us and who will always support us and invite us to be a part in whatever they do. I pray that I get over things, little or big, and come out the better person. Some may look at this and think this is not the bigger person, but I feel better. =)

More About Love

What is love exactly? To everyone , it is something different. Ask anyone and I bet you will not get the same answer. I love hearing peoples thoughts because it always opens my eyes to something different. By far, though, my favorite quote about love is from Boy Meets World. There were actually 2 different scenes in which Cory and Topanga express what they think love is. The first one was when Topanga was forced to move and ran away to come back to Cory. And the second was there wedding vows.

Mom, Listen, I haven't been together with Topanga for twenty-two years, but we *have* been together for sixteen. 'Kay, that's a lot longer than most couples have been together. I mean, when we were born, you told me that we used to take walks in our strollers together in the park. When we were two, we were best friends, I mean, I, I knew everything about this girl. I knew her favorite color. I knew her favorite food. Then we became six, you know, and Eric made fun of me because it wasn't cool to have a best friend that was a girl or even know a girl, so for the next seven years I threw dirt at her. I like to call those "the lost years". Then when I was thirteen, Mom, she put me up against my locker and she kissed me. I mean, she gave me my first kiss. She taught me how to dance. She was always talking about these crazy things and I never understood a word she said. All I understood was that she was the girl I sat up every night thinking about, and when I'm with her I feel happy to be alive. Like I can do anything. Even talk to you like this. So that's, that's what I feel is love, Mom... When I'm better because she's here... and now she won't be. So we're finished.

I wasn't sure this day would ever come, but you were. I wasn't sure love could survive everything we put it through, but you were. You were always strong and always sure. And now I know I want you to stand beside me for the rest of my life. That's what I'm sure of.

 Ever since I was young I never understood anything about the world, and I never understood anything that happened in my life. The only thing that ever made sense to me was you, and how I felt about you. That's all I've ever known and that's enough, that's enough for me, for the rest of my life. Topanga, we gonna get married?

I dont know why these stick out to me but its because they are true. I have one more quote to share and then Im done with the quotes.. I promise..

AND IF YOU EVER DECIDED TO LEAVE ME I WOULD GO AND FIND YOU AND BRING YOU HOME BECAUSE YOU WOULD BE WRONG." -  Mad about you

Now there are a million other popular love quotes but these rank as my favorites. It doesnt take a poet to write about what love means. It doesnt take fancy words that I cannot pronounce to try and find out what love it. It hits everyone at different points in their lives. When do you know you really experience love? When did the words " I love you" really hold their meaning? I have always known I loved my family, that was a given. And when I missed them, I knew that was love. Then you go through school and think that every boyfriend you had in grade school, you loved. Hey, that was love back then, It is not until you are older that you look back and realize that was not love. 

For me, it became apparent the first time when I accepted Jesus into my heart. I had heard the story over and over again about how God had sent his son to die on the cross for our sins but it never clicked until that one moment. And I understood was love was. And it became even more apparent when I had my own son. I couldnt imagine him hanging on a cross for all the sins of everyone else. That WAS love. And the first time I laid eyes on my son, I loved him. He was my world and I have never felt a love like that. 

My ex husband was another one of my first loves and I still have a love for him because of that and a love for him because he is the father of my son. 

When I reconnected with Ramon, I was at an okay point in my life. My divorce was final and I had a good job and a wonderful son. What I didnt realize or count on was falling in love again so quickly. And I also didnt realize the heavy emotions that would come with it. 

Since my previous marriage had ended roughly, my opinion of guys turned pretty ugly. But I knew Ramon was different. And I knew it was love when he stepped back and let me go through what I needed to. He was there. The whole time. He knew y doubts and fears and yet he didnt waiver. He assured me he understood and refused to leave. There were plenty of times when it would have just been easier for him to leave. But he didnt. And this in return, made me stronger. He has made me the woman I am and he is the reason I believe in unconditional love. 

So while I cant put a definition on love. I live it every day. Through God, Ramon, Drew, family and friends.