So I had a lot I was going to say in this blog but I decided to mix it up a little. I ran up across this song that Im singing on Sunday. And it spoke to me and sort of went a long with what I was going to write so Im sharing it in this blog. Its not the best quality. And I have my comfy clothes on however I really loved the words and hope you understand why I wanted to share this.
Hope you enjoy!
BA
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Peace
When singing in the contemporary services at Redwing, after the 1st service, the worship team goes in and has a mini devotional. A way we can connect with each other and have our own little group. It gives us time to talk , to listen, and to pray. Half of us know each other but not until we get into that room do we really get to know each other.
This past week I had the privilege of serving there and our devotional was on peace. When asked what people thought of when you first heard the word peace, there were the common answers, you know, the time the kids are in bed and its just you and your time, then there was the 60's and the peace sign, a waterfall, for me it was obviously being at home and not in the hospital. But then one spoke up and said what I think exactly what peace is. Its knowing that even though our day to day conflicts get in the way, our peace is knowing that this is not our life. When we die, theres the ultimate peace. He couldn't have hit it more right.
What is your peace? Often we find peace in our daily routines. We may even schedule that time that gives us that peaceful feeling. We take a couple of deep breaths, we feel our shoulders go down and our body starts to relax. For the mother, its when the kids are in bed and its just you. For the dad it could be the same, You are in your man cave and nobody is bothering you. For me, peace is knowing for right now Im typing this from a house and not a hospital bed. For others its knowing that there is a tomorrow. But how quickly that peace can change. Its beyond our reach. The kid can get out of bed. The kid can come in your man cave. I could end up really sick and back in the hospital. There may not be a tomorrow for some people. But the one peace we can all hold on to is that God is peace. No matter what we are facing here on earth, it doesn't matter because ultimately, we are going to be given that wonderful chance of experiencing eternal peace.
So while I do think its important to have your peaceful moments, because we all need them, we also need to realize that peace is reachable and it can be yours for the rest of your life. You just have to hold on to them. And those unpeaceful moments, well let those be lessons on how you handle those moments. And keep praying that God will handle everything and give you well.. peace.
This past week I had the privilege of serving there and our devotional was on peace. When asked what people thought of when you first heard the word peace, there were the common answers, you know, the time the kids are in bed and its just you and your time, then there was the 60's and the peace sign, a waterfall, for me it was obviously being at home and not in the hospital. But then one spoke up and said what I think exactly what peace is. Its knowing that even though our day to day conflicts get in the way, our peace is knowing that this is not our life. When we die, theres the ultimate peace. He couldn't have hit it more right.
What is your peace? Often we find peace in our daily routines. We may even schedule that time that gives us that peaceful feeling. We take a couple of deep breaths, we feel our shoulders go down and our body starts to relax. For the mother, its when the kids are in bed and its just you. For the dad it could be the same, You are in your man cave and nobody is bothering you. For me, peace is knowing for right now Im typing this from a house and not a hospital bed. For others its knowing that there is a tomorrow. But how quickly that peace can change. Its beyond our reach. The kid can get out of bed. The kid can come in your man cave. I could end up really sick and back in the hospital. There may not be a tomorrow for some people. But the one peace we can all hold on to is that God is peace. No matter what we are facing here on earth, it doesn't matter because ultimately, we are going to be given that wonderful chance of experiencing eternal peace.
So while I do think its important to have your peaceful moments, because we all need them, we also need to realize that peace is reachable and it can be yours for the rest of your life. You just have to hold on to them. And those unpeaceful moments, well let those be lessons on how you handle those moments. And keep praying that God will handle everything and give you well.. peace.
Monday, March 9, 2015
30 hours straight
Yes. That above is how long I have been awake. Could be stress. Could be this. Could be that. But this and that need to go somewhere. I so envy those of you that can just lay down and go to sleep. For those of us who cant, its a daily struggle. And yes, I was on medicine if you were wondering. But with my recent kidney removal and now renal failure ( 22% --- 20% you go on the transplant list ) I guess I was trying to avoid anything I thought would make it worse. But this has to got to stop.
Anyhow, I have sat down at my computer ( well really, I have had it my lap while on the couch or bed ) and just stared at a blank screen. Either I have nothing or too much to write about. But this morning as I was cruising Facebook. a friend of mine, who also was awake, said something at the end of her status that caught my attention. " Sometimes you just have to count your blessings and go on " I dont know why that struck me, but it at least gave me something to think about ( like I needed anything else going on in this head of mine )
So it makes total sense. With all of the bad in the world and stuff we face on a personal level, its easy to forget those blessings. Even as little as they are. And for me, well, to be honest, they have become quite hazy. Its easy to focus on everything wrong in our lives. Its easy to feel down for ourselves and accept defeat. I dont understand why this is. But hey, I do it too. You tend to overlook the simple things in life. The things that once made you happy. The things we take for granted. For some people the blessings are their " bad " things. Your job, family, home, car, money, relationships... some count these as blessings. Others count them as their downfalls. I could go down the list of everything I have been through and while people look at me and dont blame me, I do overlook the simple things. I guess its because my downfalls are with me everyday. I never know from one day to the next if Im gonna get sick again. Or when it will be the last straw for this kidney of mine. My job is pretty much gone. So its like I get hit in the face over and over again. But right now Im good. I have a wonderful son who loves me no matter what. I have parents that help me and love me. I have a house and a car. And I have friends. So why arent I more focused on those?
Its one of those battles we all face. We all accept defeat in certain aspects in our life. But its those little things called blessings that we need to focus on. So, I guess on those really bad days, the days where you think nothing is going right, take a pen and a piece of paper and write down everything good in your life. It may just help you after all.
Anyhow, I have sat down at my computer ( well really, I have had it my lap while on the couch or bed ) and just stared at a blank screen. Either I have nothing or too much to write about. But this morning as I was cruising Facebook. a friend of mine, who also was awake, said something at the end of her status that caught my attention. " Sometimes you just have to count your blessings and go on " I dont know why that struck me, but it at least gave me something to think about ( like I needed anything else going on in this head of mine )
So it makes total sense. With all of the bad in the world and stuff we face on a personal level, its easy to forget those blessings. Even as little as they are. And for me, well, to be honest, they have become quite hazy. Its easy to focus on everything wrong in our lives. Its easy to feel down for ourselves and accept defeat. I dont understand why this is. But hey, I do it too. You tend to overlook the simple things in life. The things that once made you happy. The things we take for granted. For some people the blessings are their " bad " things. Your job, family, home, car, money, relationships... some count these as blessings. Others count them as their downfalls. I could go down the list of everything I have been through and while people look at me and dont blame me, I do overlook the simple things. I guess its because my downfalls are with me everyday. I never know from one day to the next if Im gonna get sick again. Or when it will be the last straw for this kidney of mine. My job is pretty much gone. So its like I get hit in the face over and over again. But right now Im good. I have a wonderful son who loves me no matter what. I have parents that help me and love me. I have a house and a car. And I have friends. So why arent I more focused on those?
Its one of those battles we all face. We all accept defeat in certain aspects in our life. But its those little things called blessings that we need to focus on. So, I guess on those really bad days, the days where you think nothing is going right, take a pen and a piece of paper and write down everything good in your life. It may just help you after all.
Friday, February 27, 2015
Settle
I find myself at a crossroads however there only 1 path that I see. Its the one that is right in front of me. The one that is the closest. The one that I can reach out and touch. The one that has the light. The one that means I have settled. For others, there may be different paths. Some easy. some hard and some unknown. For me, I have settled.
Settling in can be seen as good or bad. In all aspects of life, we all settle. Whether its our job, our family, our relationships, we settle. I had a friend tell me the other day, to go out and get what I want. But what happens when want we want isnt offered to us? What happens when we go out and we fail? Do we get back up? Do we try something new? Or do we just go back to that same old path we have fallen into the last couple months or even years. There are tons of reasons we can tell ourselves. That path is scary. Its dark and gloomy and full of obstacles. Or that path is too narrow or too wide and would force us to be uncomfortable for a while. But what we cant see is what is at the end.
We all know the phrase, take the path least traveled. Easier said than done. For me, it seems my path is full of falling branches. Everywhere I take a step, theres something in my way and it forces me back. Instead of trying to get over it, I back up. Its like I take steps forward and the path is clear and for a moment, its clear. I can see straight ahead and I can imagine anything I want. But then, things start to get in the way. The path becomes dark and I cant see ahead anymore. I stand there for a moment thinking do I press ahead? Or do I go back where it safe. And that is what I have been doing. Settling for the safe place. A place where no harm can be done. A place I know very well. But lets face it, its not getting me anywhere.
I have several paths in my life. From my relationships to jobs to my health. And each holds its own future, really never intertwining with each other. Each one is unique, but how I treat them should be the same.
I havent done such a swift job at any of them. Im safe. Im content. But in order for me to progress in not only these categories but in life as well, I have to face to obstacles in front of me and go around and press on. I have to dodge them the best I can and if I cant dodge them, then face them head on. Each time I get sick or lose a job, I should start seeing them as opportunities instead of obstacles. I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason. But here lately, even that has become foggy.
So I am holding on. Holding on to a hope that is at the end of each path. And instead of settling and going down the path always traveled. maybe I need to go to my right or left and venture in. Who knows what I will find. But I will never know until I go. Until I take the first step into the unknown. Its scary. Its mind blowing, but it could something amazing.
Settling in can be seen as good or bad. In all aspects of life, we all settle. Whether its our job, our family, our relationships, we settle. I had a friend tell me the other day, to go out and get what I want. But what happens when want we want isnt offered to us? What happens when we go out and we fail? Do we get back up? Do we try something new? Or do we just go back to that same old path we have fallen into the last couple months or even years. There are tons of reasons we can tell ourselves. That path is scary. Its dark and gloomy and full of obstacles. Or that path is too narrow or too wide and would force us to be uncomfortable for a while. But what we cant see is what is at the end.
We all know the phrase, take the path least traveled. Easier said than done. For me, it seems my path is full of falling branches. Everywhere I take a step, theres something in my way and it forces me back. Instead of trying to get over it, I back up. Its like I take steps forward and the path is clear and for a moment, its clear. I can see straight ahead and I can imagine anything I want. But then, things start to get in the way. The path becomes dark and I cant see ahead anymore. I stand there for a moment thinking do I press ahead? Or do I go back where it safe. And that is what I have been doing. Settling for the safe place. A place where no harm can be done. A place I know very well. But lets face it, its not getting me anywhere.
I have several paths in my life. From my relationships to jobs to my health. And each holds its own future, really never intertwining with each other. Each one is unique, but how I treat them should be the same.
I havent done such a swift job at any of them. Im safe. Im content. But in order for me to progress in not only these categories but in life as well, I have to face to obstacles in front of me and go around and press on. I have to dodge them the best I can and if I cant dodge them, then face them head on. Each time I get sick or lose a job, I should start seeing them as opportunities instead of obstacles. I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason. But here lately, even that has become foggy.
So I am holding on. Holding on to a hope that is at the end of each path. And instead of settling and going down the path always traveled. maybe I need to go to my right or left and venture in. Who knows what I will find. But I will never know until I go. Until I take the first step into the unknown. Its scary. Its mind blowing, but it could something amazing.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Figuring Things Out
By the age of 5, you are, by all parents accounts, growing up. You start school. You are suddenly thrown into a classroom full of other kids your age. For some, it can be a scary moment, for others its a chance to start their life. I still think its harder for parents than kids.
By the age of 13, you are a teenager. You start to see things differently and feel as if you are an adult. You start to claim your own identity and have your group of friends. You start to mold your future with the choices you make.
By the age of 16, you finally have freedom. You have your own car. For some, you have your own job which brings responsibility yet now you have money. You begin spending your weekends with your friends instead of your house. You may begin to have your first dates and dread that time when you have to ask you parents if you can go out. And if you are a boy, you are dreading picking up that girl for the first time and meeting the parents.
At the age of 18, you are of out of high school and off to college or for some, off to a job. You are an adult and can make your own decisions. You have your own money, your own place. You are finally out on your own. And here is where you make decisions to that will shape your future forever. What major you will be, where you will live, what friends you will make, and you may meet that certain someone. That certain someone in which you will spend the rest of you life with.
And on it goes. In a perfect world, you will graduate college with the major you want. Get the perfect job, marry the person of your dreams, buy a house and eventually start a family. Isn't that the dream that everyone wants? At least for girls that is.
But sometimes, life throws you curveballs. You may not graduate. You may not get the perfect job. You may not marry anyone. You may end up back at your parents or just settling. It seems that life always has a funny way of working out the opposite way you always dreamed of. Of even if you do get a chance at that perfect dream, it may be get interrupted by losing a job, losing a house, or even losing your partner. It happens kids, it happens.
Its then we really learn who we are. Do we sit down and let life take over? Or do we stand up and go after what we want? Its these times that really determine who we are as a person and how others will perceive us.
I have been struggling these past few weeks with everything from being in the hospital again, facing kidney failure, job in limbo, no place of my own and everything just starts to compile. Why is it you can think of everything you have done wrong in your life and not anything positive? This is when your true character comes out. Now while I haven't really stood up to any of these problems, Im slowly regaining composure. There are still some dents in my life that I don't know will ever work themselves out but its these dents that I can go back to ago remind me that I overcame them. And while they are unbending, something happens. You begin to find yourself again. You begin to see things in a different light. And maybe the person you find, isn't the person you used to be, but better. The hardest thing I have learned is patience. It has never been a virtue of mine. But sometimes, you have to stand back and let things come to you. You have to let those dents start straightening out by trusting. By having faith. By knowing that someone is there to support you. By having that someone you can rely on and talk to. By learning who you are. And looking at those positives you do have in your life.
Its easy to type this but hard to actually say Im doing this. But Im trying. Each day Im trying. And whatever life may throw at me, Im ready. Bring it on!
Sunday, February 15, 2015
Another 12 Days Gone....
So I really have been meaning to blog but again, things just escape me. There is either too much going on or not enough. And you know me, most of the time I blog its after something major has just happened. Well boys and girls, in this case, too many things have happened. So while I won't make this long I will touch on a couple of things that I have been facing the last couple of weeks.
Yup, another 12 days in the hospital. It started the day of the Superbowl and I was over at a friends house watching and I could just tell my eyes start burning. ( which is my weird indication that I was getting a fever ) but I let it go thinking it would go away. Well, my friends it didn't. By the start of the 4th quarter, my body felt like it was literally burning from the inside out. You could not touch any part of my body without almost being burned. I mean I had jeans on and when I got up the place I was sitting felt like fire. Finally after the end of the game, I contacted, or lets re-phrase this, I tried to contact my primary doctor, my urologist, my nephrologist and finally got a hold of min infectious dr who told me what I ultimately knew and that was to get the ER. They took me straight back and my temp at that point was 103.7. I was in pain and lets not talk about how many times it took them to get an iv in me. Its pretty bad when your nurse walks she's know you enough to bring like 3 other people with her cause Im a hard stick. Well finally after about 10 nurses, and over 15 times, they finally got it in right by my shoulder ( ouch ) My kidney and tubes were behind swollen and they admitted me. I ended up having 2 different infections both which kept me in there for 12 days. And then I get the news Friday morning that my creatinine was back up 2.6 and they didn't know why. I looked at my doctor and said Im leaving. You can tell me the results on Monday. Truth it I had plans and the other truth was I didn't want to lay there again all weekend and my pitiful pediatric iv they finally got placed after changing it 5 more times, was holding up. ( I mean a heart team even came in and tried with their machine to start a mid line and they missed and had no lunch. When I say Im a hard stick, Im not kidding ) He looked at me and laughed and said Ill go sign the papers. I think he thought I was gonna come after him if he had told me no. So we will see the down the road what his means. Right now, they are trying to get me into University of Louisville Nephrology group. So maybe, just maybe we can find some answers. I can't keep getting infections in this kidney and stones or the function is going to drop dramatically and thats what we are trying to avoid. I JUST WANT AN ANSWER! Okay.. enough about that....
So while all of this is going on, my nanny had broken her hip and was in the Clark hospital. My poor mom was trying to be in 2 places at one time but I was fine. I had my breakdowns. But she made it though surgery and now is in a rehab facility in Lexington. I am going to go see her sometime this week. I just don't have the nerves right now to see her. I love my nanny and the last time I saw here was in the hospital but now is sort of different.
So my job is still in limbo at the moment. So I don't even know what to do there. Now do I apply for disability or do I just continue to work and hope they don't let me go. It really isn't fair to the company but I guess I will make that decision at time goes on and we see what is really going to happen with his kidney. I am not sure my last number but if it was going up, I would not be surprised if had went up even more. Which brings me much closer to that transplant list. Which makes me think even more. I am 32. I have been dealt such a an lucky hand in every dept. of my life it seems. I look around at my friends that are healthy, thriving, have families, have jobs and are just well off. And here I am. Technically still have a job, live with my parents, my health is well, no word for that. But I do have some bright sports and those bright sports are what encourage me to go on. I have good friends, parents, family and my son. And yes, for those who are on my Facebook the presents were from my friend. Not my boyfriend=) He has been one of the bright spots as well. Besides my family, he has seen me though a lot of my illnesses and I know he will be there with me as I face them down the road. He may not know how much he means to me, but its a lot. Its so great to have a friend like that.
So I think thats enough depressing stuff for one blog? I guess I will end with this..
Don't take anything for granted. I mean you hear it all the time, Im not dying or near it but any bad infection could slowly start making my life a mess. I have to realize that. So I have to let people know what they mean. And everything I had said I ever wanted to do, I am going to do. Im not planning my funeral people, but before this kidney thing takes over, I feel like I just need to get out there. I have done several of the things I never thought I would here lately. So thanks for reading. And Ill keep in touch!
Yup, another 12 days in the hospital. It started the day of the Superbowl and I was over at a friends house watching and I could just tell my eyes start burning. ( which is my weird indication that I was getting a fever ) but I let it go thinking it would go away. Well, my friends it didn't. By the start of the 4th quarter, my body felt like it was literally burning from the inside out. You could not touch any part of my body without almost being burned. I mean I had jeans on and when I got up the place I was sitting felt like fire. Finally after the end of the game, I contacted, or lets re-phrase this, I tried to contact my primary doctor, my urologist, my nephrologist and finally got a hold of min infectious dr who told me what I ultimately knew and that was to get the ER. They took me straight back and my temp at that point was 103.7. I was in pain and lets not talk about how many times it took them to get an iv in me. Its pretty bad when your nurse walks she's know you enough to bring like 3 other people with her cause Im a hard stick. Well finally after about 10 nurses, and over 15 times, they finally got it in right by my shoulder ( ouch ) My kidney and tubes were behind swollen and they admitted me. I ended up having 2 different infections both which kept me in there for 12 days. And then I get the news Friday morning that my creatinine was back up 2.6 and they didn't know why. I looked at my doctor and said Im leaving. You can tell me the results on Monday. Truth it I had plans and the other truth was I didn't want to lay there again all weekend and my pitiful pediatric iv they finally got placed after changing it 5 more times, was holding up. ( I mean a heart team even came in and tried with their machine to start a mid line and they missed and had no lunch. When I say Im a hard stick, Im not kidding ) He looked at me and laughed and said Ill go sign the papers. I think he thought I was gonna come after him if he had told me no. So we will see the down the road what his means. Right now, they are trying to get me into University of Louisville Nephrology group. So maybe, just maybe we can find some answers. I can't keep getting infections in this kidney and stones or the function is going to drop dramatically and thats what we are trying to avoid. I JUST WANT AN ANSWER! Okay.. enough about that....
So while all of this is going on, my nanny had broken her hip and was in the Clark hospital. My poor mom was trying to be in 2 places at one time but I was fine. I had my breakdowns. But she made it though surgery and now is in a rehab facility in Lexington. I am going to go see her sometime this week. I just don't have the nerves right now to see her. I love my nanny and the last time I saw here was in the hospital but now is sort of different.
So my job is still in limbo at the moment. So I don't even know what to do there. Now do I apply for disability or do I just continue to work and hope they don't let me go. It really isn't fair to the company but I guess I will make that decision at time goes on and we see what is really going to happen with his kidney. I am not sure my last number but if it was going up, I would not be surprised if had went up even more. Which brings me much closer to that transplant list. Which makes me think even more. I am 32. I have been dealt such a an lucky hand in every dept. of my life it seems. I look around at my friends that are healthy, thriving, have families, have jobs and are just well off. And here I am. Technically still have a job, live with my parents, my health is well, no word for that. But I do have some bright sports and those bright sports are what encourage me to go on. I have good friends, parents, family and my son. And yes, for those who are on my Facebook the presents were from my friend. Not my boyfriend=) He has been one of the bright spots as well. Besides my family, he has seen me though a lot of my illnesses and I know he will be there with me as I face them down the road. He may not know how much he means to me, but its a lot. Its so great to have a friend like that.
So I think thats enough depressing stuff for one blog? I guess I will end with this..
Don't take anything for granted. I mean you hear it all the time, Im not dying or near it but any bad infection could slowly start making my life a mess. I have to realize that. So I have to let people know what they mean. And everything I had said I ever wanted to do, I am going to do. Im not planning my funeral people, but before this kidney thing takes over, I feel like I just need to get out there. I have done several of the things I never thought I would here lately. So thanks for reading. And Ill keep in touch!
Thursday, January 29, 2015
A Moment That Wont Be Forgotten
So today started out with me trying to get Drew out of bed. He noticed I had my jeans on and that was his clue that I was taking him to school and then it started. I didnt get hardly any sleep last night and I was tired. Drew was tired and now fussing cause he wanted mom mom to take him to school. It was nasty outside and I just thought it would be a good day to not have to get out of bed and go anywhere. As I attempted to get ready, which consisted of me throwing my hat on my head, I all of a sudden dreaded going to this doctors appt. The last one was when I first had my kidney removed. I drove all the way across town to listen to my doctor for like 5 minutes tell me my numbers were okay but given that I had just got it removed, my numbers were expected to improve. And that was that. Drew eventually won the fight and mom took him to school. And then about 8:15 I got in my car and made my way to my nephrologist office.
I got there early and sat down in the waiting room about 15 minutes before my appt which was at 9:15. I looked around and realized that I was the youngest one there. It felt like all of these people were staring at me like they expected me to be there with an older person as the patient. Surely I wasn't the patient. I grabbed my iPad and started down at my hands. My arms and hands were covered with bruises and tape marks from all the of the attempts at ivs and blood draws from the past weekend. My hands were swollen and my arms looked like I was a for sure drug user. I sat there and tried to scrape the adhesive off with no success of it coming off. I glanced down at my watch and it glared back at me : 10:00. Great.. I was going to be here all morning. At least when I got back there, I remembered the last time how I was in and out and I never thought, I really was going to be here all morning. Finally they called my name. As I got up, I could feel everyone's eyes on me. Yes I am the patient. Just let me get me back there, get my results so I could go home.
As I sat back waiting on the doctor, I rested my head against the wall and shut my eyes. Just as I was almost asleep, my fate walked through the door. And it wasn't a pretty fate either.
As he explained to me that my numbers had not improved I sort of just shook my head like I was understanding everything he was saying I just wasn't sure where I was storing the information. My total kidney function was now 25%. I was 5% away from being placed on the transplant list. Yes I had stent in, but he was never convincing that that was not why my numbers were that low. My creatnine had jumped up over the weekend and now with the possibility of more stones eating away at more of my function, it was sort of becoming clear of what he was saying. He did the usual exam and listened to my heart and breathing, pushed on my shin only to have my skin not pop back up indicated swelling and sort of going back over the numbers again. Then he makes a plan to see me back in a month. He escorted me out of the room with not a smile on his face but more of a worried look. I am not sure the look on my face but I think it was more of blank stare.
The next thing I know I was being led in to another office of the kidney disease failure nurse educator woman. Excuse me for not getting her proper title. I was still trying to figure out what to do with the info he just told me and the info I was getting ready to be fed. I was told all about my numbers again. The symptoms I was having and was reassured over and over again that they were going to do all they could do to protect and save the one kidney I had. But in the end, any more stone or infections could eventually knock any of that potential away. Now I had two conversations in my head and information just floating around. About an hour later I emerged with a folder of information in my hand and a head full of what the crap just happened back there? I called my mom and got in the car and for the first time in ever, drove home in silence. The rest of the day was sort of a blur. Now I know there is worst news people get at doctors appts. I know this wasn't good news but it sort of teetered on being bad. Especially with the fear of thinking if I start getting stones again, how many is it going to take and would I have enough time to get another kidney and would dialysis work and what if this and what if that... the whole day and night. And I lay here and type this, its still playing in my head. And now tomorrow, I have to face my urologist. Im hoping this stone was a fluke. And Im hoping he agrees.
So I guess we will see what tomorrow brings. And the next days... Oh and along with being told about the function, the dr asked if I was trying to get pregnant. I sort of chuckled and was like uh no. I have one and thats enough. He looked at me and said well good because in my case, it would likely kill me if I were to try to have another one. Look doc, Im 32 and have had 6 miscarriages. Having another child wasn't on my list but you really didn't have to tell me that. The chance of not being a mom again crossed my mind but I very lucky to have Drew. But I guess when someone looks as you and tells you shouldn't cause it cost you your life, well that sort of shakes you to the core as well.
Everyone keeps telling me I can get through anything. Well these anythings keep piling up and Im starting not to be able to be tall enough to see over them.
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I got there early and sat down in the waiting room about 15 minutes before my appt which was at 9:15. I looked around and realized that I was the youngest one there. It felt like all of these people were staring at me like they expected me to be there with an older person as the patient. Surely I wasn't the patient. I grabbed my iPad and started down at my hands. My arms and hands were covered with bruises and tape marks from all the of the attempts at ivs and blood draws from the past weekend. My hands were swollen and my arms looked like I was a for sure drug user. I sat there and tried to scrape the adhesive off with no success of it coming off. I glanced down at my watch and it glared back at me : 10:00. Great.. I was going to be here all morning. At least when I got back there, I remembered the last time how I was in and out and I never thought, I really was going to be here all morning. Finally they called my name. As I got up, I could feel everyone's eyes on me. Yes I am the patient. Just let me get me back there, get my results so I could go home.
As I sat back waiting on the doctor, I rested my head against the wall and shut my eyes. Just as I was almost asleep, my fate walked through the door. And it wasn't a pretty fate either.
As he explained to me that my numbers had not improved I sort of just shook my head like I was understanding everything he was saying I just wasn't sure where I was storing the information. My total kidney function was now 25%. I was 5% away from being placed on the transplant list. Yes I had stent in, but he was never convincing that that was not why my numbers were that low. My creatnine had jumped up over the weekend and now with the possibility of more stones eating away at more of my function, it was sort of becoming clear of what he was saying. He did the usual exam and listened to my heart and breathing, pushed on my shin only to have my skin not pop back up indicated swelling and sort of going back over the numbers again. Then he makes a plan to see me back in a month. He escorted me out of the room with not a smile on his face but more of a worried look. I am not sure the look on my face but I think it was more of blank stare.
The next thing I know I was being led in to another office of the kidney disease failure nurse educator woman. Excuse me for not getting her proper title. I was still trying to figure out what to do with the info he just told me and the info I was getting ready to be fed. I was told all about my numbers again. The symptoms I was having and was reassured over and over again that they were going to do all they could do to protect and save the one kidney I had. But in the end, any more stone or infections could eventually knock any of that potential away. Now I had two conversations in my head and information just floating around. About an hour later I emerged with a folder of information in my hand and a head full of what the crap just happened back there? I called my mom and got in the car and for the first time in ever, drove home in silence. The rest of the day was sort of a blur. Now I know there is worst news people get at doctors appts. I know this wasn't good news but it sort of teetered on being bad. Especially with the fear of thinking if I start getting stones again, how many is it going to take and would I have enough time to get another kidney and would dialysis work and what if this and what if that... the whole day and night. And I lay here and type this, its still playing in my head. And now tomorrow, I have to face my urologist. Im hoping this stone was a fluke. And Im hoping he agrees.
So I guess we will see what tomorrow brings. And the next days... Oh and along with being told about the function, the dr asked if I was trying to get pregnant. I sort of chuckled and was like uh no. I have one and thats enough. He looked at me and said well good because in my case, it would likely kill me if I were to try to have another one. Look doc, Im 32 and have had 6 miscarriages. Having another child wasn't on my list but you really didn't have to tell me that. The chance of not being a mom again crossed my mind but I very lucky to have Drew. But I guess when someone looks as you and tells you shouldn't cause it cost you your life, well that sort of shakes you to the core as well.
Everyone keeps telling me I can get through anything. Well these anythings keep piling up and Im starting not to be able to be tall enough to see over them.
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