A Moment That Wont Be Forgotten

So today started out with me trying to get Drew out of bed. He noticed I had my jeans on and that was his clue that I was taking him to school and then it started. I didnt get hardly any sleep last night and I was tired. Drew was tired and now fussing cause he wanted mom mom to take him to school. It was nasty outside and I just thought it would be a good day to not have to get out of bed and go anywhere. As I attempted to get ready, which consisted of me throwing my hat on my head, I all of a sudden dreaded going to this doctors appt. The last one was when I first had my kidney removed. I drove all the way across town to listen to my doctor for like 5 minutes tell me my numbers were okay but given that I had just got it removed, my numbers were expected to improve. And that was that. Drew eventually won the fight and mom took him to school. And then about 8:15 I got in my car and made my way to my nephrologist office. 
I got there early and sat down in the waiting room about 15 minutes before my appt which was at 9:15. I looked around and realized that I was the youngest one there. It felt like all of these people were staring at me like they expected me to be there with an older person as the patient. Surely I wasn't the patient. I grabbed my iPad and started down at my hands. My arms and hands were covered with bruises and tape marks from all the of the attempts at ivs and blood draws from the past weekend. My hands were swollen and my arms looked like I was a for sure drug user. I sat there and tried to scrape the adhesive off with no success of it coming off. I glanced down at my watch and it glared back at me : 10:00. Great.. I was going to be here all morning. At least when I got back there, I remembered the last time how I was in and out and I never thought, I really was going to be here all morning. Finally they called my name. As I got up, I could feel everyone's eyes on me. Yes I am the patient. Just let me get me back there, get my results so I could go home. 
As I sat back waiting on the doctor, I rested my head against the wall and shut my eyes. Just as I was almost asleep, my fate walked through the door. And it wasn't a pretty fate either.
As he explained to me that my numbers had not improved I sort of just shook my head like I was understanding everything he was saying I just wasn't sure where I was storing the information. My total kidney function was now 25%. I was 5% away from being placed on the transplant list. Yes I had stent in, but he was never convincing that that was not why my numbers were that low. My creatnine had jumped up over the weekend and now with the possibility of more stones eating away at more of my function, it was sort of becoming clear of what he was saying. He did the usual exam and listened to my heart and breathing, pushed on my shin only to have my skin not pop back up indicated swelling and sort of going back over the numbers again. Then he makes a plan to see me back in a month. He escorted me out of the room with not a smile on his face but more of a worried look. I am not sure the look on my face but I think it was more of blank stare. 
The next thing I know I was being led in to another office of the kidney disease failure nurse educator woman. Excuse me for not getting her proper title. I was still trying to figure out what to do with the info he just told me and the info I was getting ready to be fed. I was told all about my numbers again. The symptoms I was having and was reassured over and over again that they were going to do all they could do to protect and save the one kidney I had. But in the end, any more stone or infections could eventually knock any of that potential away. Now I had two conversations in my head and information just floating around. About an hour later I emerged with a folder of information in my hand and a head full of what the crap just happened back there? I called my mom and got in the car and for the first time in ever, drove home in silence. The rest of the day was sort of a blur. Now I know there is worst news people get at doctors appts. I know this wasn't good news but it sort of teetered on being bad. Especially with the fear of thinking if I start getting stones again, how many is it going to take and would I have enough time to get another kidney and would dialysis work and what if this and what if that... the whole day and night. And I lay here and type this, its still playing in my head. And now tomorrow, I have to face my urologist. Im hoping this stone was a fluke. And Im hoping he agrees.
So I guess we will see what tomorrow brings. And the next days... Oh and along with being told about the function, the dr asked if I was trying to get pregnant. I sort of chuckled and was like uh no. I have one and thats enough. He looked at me and said well good because in my case, it would likely kill me if I were to try to have another one. Look doc, Im 32 and have had 6 miscarriages. Having another child wasn't on my list but you really didn't have to tell me that. The chance of not being a mom again crossed my mind but I very lucky to have Drew. But I guess when someone looks as you and tells you shouldn't cause it cost you your life, well that sort of shakes you to the core as well. 
Everyone keeps telling me I can get through anything. Well these anythings keep piling up and Im starting not to be able to be tall enough to see over them. 

~~~~~~

2014 Gone....

Wow... what a year. It has been such a year that it has taken me a couple of days to begin this post. So much has happened major in my life this year that its hard to recap everything. I know it seems like Im lost more than Ive gained this year. And that is true. I lost a job, a spouse, a kidney, part of my bladder and weight. And while 1 one of those is a good thing the others I chalk as up they are gone and while Im still dealing with the aftermath of some of it, Im dealing. What have I gained? Lets see, a better job, friends, and since Jan 1, a relationship. So Im gonna roll with that.
A lot of people have asked if I have set a goal. Well obviously the first one is to find a place of my own. Drew and I need to get settled on our own, so thats number one on my list. As far as my health, Im taking it a day at a time. I know my function isn't the greatest and the infections will keep on coming but I trust my doctors to take care of me. Its just something Ive become used to.
Relationships.. well its been and up and down ride for me this past year. I went through my second divorce which is still a mystery and I have to admit it was hard. Then the first guy I went out with is the one I am currently with. We broke up, then stayed friends and now have started our relationship again. I have to say I didn't see it coming. With my luck, I figured it was over. But he threw me a curve ball and we are a couple again. And Im excited. And the fact that it happened on January 1st. He has taught me a lot. More than anyone will know or understand. He has taught me forgiveness, how strong I am, and how to deal with difficult situations. He is always there to calm me down when I start to stress out. And even better, he is my best friend. I can talk to him about anything and I know he's listens. Not everyone sees this, but I do. And thats what counts. And I like to think Im the same for him. I think we sort of support each other, like couples should do. Even we were just friends, he came to the ER with me and sat there and took care of me. He never thought twice. Thats what makes me smile. We have made a lot of memories and I really can't wait to see what its in the future for us. Its a brand new year, anything is possible. And its up to me to make that possible happen.
This year has taught me a lot too. Who to trust, who not to trust. How things can be blown way out of proportion and how much people can act like children sometimes. As far as family, well, learned quite a lot about that too. Its so hard when you can feel you trust people and then have it thrown it in in your face. And then it just gets too much. You know I always loved that our family was close and we had traditions. Well this year one was broken and without going into detail, its something I have to deal with and well people just need to learn to get over things and to keep to their ownselves.
It happens in every family and friends but I never thought it would happen for me. But its more on them than me and as the famous song goes, I "let it go". Thats what you have to do. Im happy and theres nothing anyone or anyone can say to take that away.
I have learned not to less stressful things take over my life. And that has a lot to do with my boyfriend. He has to be the calmest person I have ever met. And he is always there to remind me not to worry and things are going to be okay. Again, Im thankful for him in my life.
My health, well who knows? I never know from day to day what its gonna be like. Luckily my job is understanding enough when I have a appointments and if I get in the hospital they are not happy of course but understanding. Because we all know I just can't go in for 2 days ... its at least a week or more. And its horrible. I don't choose to go to the ER but when it comes and hits, I have no choice. And only having one kidney, I have to be a little more careful. Its not like I can let an infection get out of control and take my last kidney. Thats the last thing I need. And the last thing I need to worry about.
As far as everything from the past year, well if you had read my blogs, they haven't been the happiest. But Im looking to change that. If that means I have to stand up and fight for myself than I will. I have let too many people walk over me and let things go when I should have stood up for myself. And that is one goal I have.
As far as work, I love my job. Its hard work at times but I love the company and the people I work with. And given that they know about my health issues and work with me I couldn't ask for more. And Im finally getting to use my degree to a point.
Relationships... well we have already talked about that. I just to hope to keep it going. He makes me happy =)

So I hope everyone had a good 2014.. and an even better 2015!!

Relationships, We All Want 'Em, We All Got 'Em, What We Do With Them...

At least Jimmy Buffet knows..

Oh the time of your life when your life becomes full of what ifs and regrets and tears and smiles and well.. other stuff. Dating. Now at the age of 32, you would think I would have this one down. Umm wrong. Everyone I have dated ( 2 people ) I ended up marrying and well we all know how that turned out. So dating for me is brand new. So where do you meet people? Work.. well considering I work in the basement and really not around people, chances there are slim to none.. and then well thats about it. So I did it. I went where other single people go and in this time of age, the only place that people seem to go now, online. Yes I said it. Online. 

Now, you are asked to describe yourself in at least 200 words and then answer a whole bunch of questions about you and what you want in your potential mate. And then you post your best pics and then wait. People can look you up and then based on what they see, they can like you, wink at you, or favorite you, or send you an email. And then every day in your email they send you these profiles of people that seem to match what you are looking for. Or you can search on your own and do what you want. Now I haven't dug way too deep into it. But I have met a couple of people. One has become a great friend and the other has become a friend as well. So even if I don't know if I have met the one, I have at least 2 new friends in my life. And I still talk to them almost every day. 

And its not like I have everything good going for me. I am a single mom. I have been married twice and I live with my parents. Now I know the reason behind these and once I tell people, it doesn't sound do bad but on the outside, it doesn't look so grand. I mean Im only 32. But I have faith. I don't believe that my life is over. 

So as I explore the world the dating, I have no clue whats ahead of me. All I know is that, like in my previous post, God has a plan. And even though I can't see it and I have no clue when it will show, I know its out there for me. I just have to be patient and believe that God has everything in his hands. If its meant to be, it will be. Theres really no forcing anything. And thats my problem. Its like when you see all of these people, or couples, and you get jealous. Its like, what did I do to deserve to be alone? I have done everything right. Im not the one who cheated or flipped out. Im the one who fought. Im the one who has been trying to do everything right. And Im the one who feel likes karma has flipped on. So when is it going to be my turn? When do I get my chance at happiness? I guess thats what is so frustrating. But life goes on. I have a good job. A family and a wonderful son who is the light of my life.

So as I dig into this world of " dating " we will see where this takes me. And hopefully my blog will become more a happy world than a I complain all the time lol.

Turkey Time!

Awww.. its the time of year where we eat, nap, watch football and then repeat. And depending on the size of your family, you may repeat this several times. Its also a time, that if you happen to live in the house where Thanksgiving is being held, you may hear grumbling, complaining and experience mood swings of the person that is cooking right up until the door bell rings. Then all of a sudden, everything is good and dandy. ( Not from personal experience, but fixing the meal can be a very stressful thing, and Im sure this has happened ) I have never had to cook because we always go to other family's houses. Which Im grateful for. But to be truthful, I really cant wait to have my own family again and actually cook the supper and have people over. Cooking for me is sort of a destressor. Now granted, I turn on my music and do better when its just me and nobody else but is my way of winding down if Im really stressed out about something. 
Looking back this year, well, lets face it, its been a crappy year for me all in all. However, my goal is to take something positive out of each bad situation. If you continue to dwell on the bad of everything, then you arent going to be thankful but in bad there is a good. You just have to find it. Its like that for anything and anyone. So for me this year, I spent many MANY days in the hospital, almost died again, had my kidney removed, had to move in with my parents and went through a divorce. Most people dont experience all of this in a span of 5 year much less than 1 year, or in my case, sort of months. And some people dont experience this at all. But I did and it all was pretty much bad but like I said Im trying to find the good in all of it. So here it goes:

Going through my second divorce was horrible. It was an unseen event that I never saw coming which made it worse. And it has taken a me a while to get over the whole shock of it all but Im finally to the point to where I can say the past is in the past and I cant relive that over and over again in my head because it just tears you up. You cant go back and undo anything but you can move forward and try to make peace with the person and the situation. It is much easier when something ends and its a mutual decision and you know why but in this case, that was not what happened. Its not my job to try and decipher it anymore. I can learn from it and grow from it and thats exactly what I am trying to do. This led me believe I love again and trust again and thats what I needed. And thats what I gained from this relationship. But something else, unexpected, came out of this and that was I met someone who had become part of my life now and even though, boyfriend/girlfriend, it didnt work out, he has become one of my best friends and I am very grateful for him. I can rely on him and he is this amazing guy who I coulndt imagine not having in my life. So from shutting one person out of my life, led me to meeting him and even though I have been through some medical crap these last couple of months, he has been there with me through most of it. I couldnt ask for a better friend. 

Having PICC lines after PICC lines and infections after infections, is well besides painful. very annoying. The hospital was my home for a long time. I became immune to most of the antibiotics I was on and finally deciding that my infections were coming from left kidney, we finally decided it was time to take it out. Now, my right one is not fully working and was only receiving 1/3 of the blood flow so we knew before we would be taking chances, but it finally came down to either risking my life and having nothing to fight another bad infection with, or just face the possibility of dialysis down the road. 2 years ago, my infectious doctor wanted to do this but it was ruled out given the function of that right kidney, but this time I was sick and tired of everything so we just took it out. When I left that hospital, I had never felt better. It seemed, at the time, that that is exactly what needed to happen. (We will just leave my infection now as a minor hiccup) Now through all of this, I got a wonderful job. I actually was able to use some of my degree as well. The people are great as well as the company. And I actually can say I am really happy there. Throughout all my sickness, they never once though of letting me go and I still have this job. I told them over and over again how grateful I was to them for this. Im just glad that there are still people out there who look at the quality of work you have done and take that in when you have to be out so much. I have worked my butt of for them but I dont mind it all. So Im sort of glad that other job didnt work out because I am so much happier here. So I guess getting so sick was a good thing because it made the doctors realize that I did need the kidney out. I was tired of playing roulette with my life and the right decision was made. I just wish we could have done it sooner. But if we had, again, I wouldnt have got this job that I had. Its funny how life works out sometimes...

I knew after the divorce and I got sick, that moving in with my parents was the only thing I could do. If I had been working, I could have gotten my own place but when you no income coming in, it sort of like, I had no choice. Im thankful that they live where I do so it was just basically moving across town. I couldnt imagine living in another state or city far away and this happening. But they were able to help while I was recovering and they helped with Drew. So even though right when I got home from surgery I wasnt able do much, I could still see my son. Now I have to admit, after you have been out of the house for a long while, you tend to get into your own routine. And so do they. So when you have to try and combine two totally different routines, it becomes stressful. In fact. my sister told me her Christmas present to me was for me not to buy anything for them so I could save my money so I could get out before we killed each other. =) And when Drew is here, it gets worse. Just because I let him do things and its get on my parents nerves and well... its just like I cant get out of here fast enough. I love them to death. I love that they let me live here. I love that they help with Drew when Im not feeling well. I love the fact that they help me even when I dont ask. And at times, yes, Im running for the door just to get out for a while but Im very grateful for their help and love during all of this. And I love the fact that I can still depend on them for anything. I have met some people who cant say that about their parents and it makes me appreciate mine even more. But you can bet as soon as I have the money saved up, Im out.=)

So those are the positives that I am trying to stay focused on. Of course Im thankful for more things such as family and friends but when I look back at the bad and stay focused on the good in them, it makes me even more grateful.

I hope you and your family have a very Happy Thanksgiving!  

Glorious Unfolding

As I have wrestled over how to even start this blog, its been even harder to think about how exactly to put into words what I wanted to write. Its sort of funny how God works sometimes. When he cant place the right people in my life to say what I need to say, he makes sure certain songs are on when I get in the car. There have 2 in particular that have just rocked my world this past week. One being by Steven Curtis Chapman called " Glorious Unfolding " and the other one by Among the Thirsty called " Completely" I believe you have to do the second song before the first one, but if you listen to them, you will get what I am saying.

My run of luck here lately, has been, well just that, luck. And its been bad luck. Seems like every time my life seems to be doing better, something comes and knocks me down. These past couple of weeks have been hard, especially these past couple of days. If you read my Facebook posts, which Im pretty sure if you are reading this, you have read them, you know what Im talking about. Im not going into details but all Im going to say is that I finally realized I asked God for a sign and I got it. And I got it clearly. He could have gone little but it was a huge sign. I prayed for it and got it. And I will leave that at that. And so yes. once again, I was knocked down. This is where me being strong is supposed to kick in right? I mean isnt that that my other posts are about? And thats the compliment I get the most is how strong I am. I really have no choice. I have a son who I want to look up to his mommy and see what she has gone through and how I came out the other end. I dont know what my future holds. I cant control it. But when you completely surrender to him, he will unfold your story no matter what. Thats what these 2 songs have said to me. 

Im 32 and yes been married and divorced twice. But I know Gods not done. There is another story out there for me and I just have to wait for him to unfold it for me and I will finally see it. I think that is true for everyone. I know I am not the only out there who has lost hope in life. Or that thinks that there life is worth nothing. But its not true. God has a plan for everyone and as long as we look to him and let him do what he wants and needs to do with us, then it will be a glorious unfolding. And I cannot wait until that day. 

So for all of you who are struggling or thinking you are just done, you arent. God certainly isnt done with you. So just let it be. Give your all to God and let him show him your future. I know I cant wait to see my unfolding. 

Trying

Its a simple word. Its one word. Its a word we use often but in what context do we actually use and it and mean it? As a a faithful Greys Anatomy watcher, this weeks episode sort of prompted me to to write about this. Usually it takes something like that to get my mind going and sure enough it did. But it led me down so many roads, I wasnt sure and really am still not really sure on which path I am going to follow to make this blog post make sense. Then I thought about a conversation I had with a friend the other night. And the word took on a completely different meaning. 

As kids, we try a lot. And as parents we force our kids to try a lot. Whether its new food, to behave, pay attention.. we are pushing that word down their throats on a daily basis. Now Im not saying its a bad thing because as we all now, if we dont try new things, we will never know if we like them or not. But I started to think about how that word takes on a whole different meaning as we start to grow up, especially in our adulthood. If we no longer have people telling us to try new things, what are we telling ourselves to try and do?

Do we challenge ourselves to try and do new things? Do we venture out of our comfort zones to try something different? Or do we just sit back and wait for someone else to do it for us or even ask us to do it. And even then, are we just as hesitant now as we may have been when we were kids? 

So this brings to me to an even deeper question. Do we not try, or try too hard? Back to my friend. I respect her in every single way just because she refuses to give in. Shes had it pretty rough when it comes to relationships and while most women would try and stick around to make it work, she gets out. And she should. But she has the guts to do it and wont settle. Where as, most of us, including me would settle it meant it was the easy way out. In her case, trying is not an option because she has a heart of steel and follows her gut to the tee. She knows when something is not right and she gets out. Shes a very smart woman and someone all women wish they could be. I guess my point is, do we get ourselves into situations into where, whether right or wrong, we try our dang hardest to make it right for us, for another person or for the situation just so we can walk away happy. 

Do we get so content with trying to make our lives shape out the way we want them to be that we are willing to try and do anything to make that work.. even though, in the end, its all for the wrong reason. Are we trying in the wrong form or fashion? And why do we? If we know the ending is going to be same, why do we try and prolong the situation? Most of the time, its to avoid something. If we can get one more day then good we got it made. But then that day comes and goes and we are faced with it again, so we try again. Maybe this time, other tactics. After all, we were taught to try new things right? 

Just like my hike today. Im an idiot to think I could do that and not pay for it with all sorts of pain later. But I tried it anyhow and pushed myself to the limit. I made it and it was gorgeous and Im glad I did it. And everytime Eric asked if were okay, of course I said yes. I have mastered the face of Im fine. Although I think hes beginning to learn that fake face lol. 

My point is, that trying is okay to a point. But you shouldnt try to prolong things if they are only going to hurt you in the end. Its okay to try it and admit defeat. Thats what comes along with adulthood. If  I could throw out a personal situation, I would but so far all my tries are turning out for the best. So to my friend, heres to you for trying when you need to but knowing when to turn away. I love you to death and someday, maybe you wont have to try at all!

Dang you Nicholas Sparks

This sort of goes hand in hand with a previous posts called " Are Girls Brainwashed " As we were trying to figure out on a movie to go and see the other night ( went and saw Gone Girl, in which I had read almost all of the book and was psycho ) we were almost headed to see The Best of Me. Now I would have chosen the latter one but I was trying to be nice and not hit Eric over the head with another chick flick. I havent read the book but I know what happens and I knew I would be a crying blubbering mess. And I also knew it would be just another Nicholas Sparks approach into getting girls to believe in this deep love that existed in some point of time. Now guys, Im not blaming you but I do think you could learn something from him. He may go overboard with the I love you scenes but they are girls novels and its nice to be taken somewhere nice every now and then and pretend you are the that girl who is being loved so truly and deeply. I dont go back and compare everything to my past because well we just dont. However I do like to be taken away now and then to the place where these couples are. To feel what they do and however not all of their experiences are great, some of those scenes in this movies just make you melt.
It also does you make you earn for that one guy. That one guy to love you truly and that deeply. A kind of love where sometimes no words need to be spoken but just the look alone. tells you what the other one is thinking. Ive seen it. I can even say Ive experienced it. But I dont want it to be just a once upon a time thing, I want it to be a forever thing. Now given my track record, I blame Sparks for putting all these thoughts in my mind. That one day, I too, will find and experience that. I know people say it takes time to find that certain someone. But I think sometimes people just know. Now dont get ahead of yourself... Im not about to place someone name here and freak out everyone who reads this but Im just saying. Its nice to know that one day I will experience that. It may not be of Sparks words or scenes from the movies but its my love story. Everyone has their own and Im learning that it may be not be a classic fairy tale happily every after, every couple has their own fairy tale love story. And, without passing judgement, or thinking Im getting way too far ahead of myself. I like to think, whether it lasts or not, every love story is a story. And its our own. And however it started or ends or what happens in the middle, it has every concept of a story. And although mine has just begun, I still consider it my love story and although I cant see the middle or ending, its just fun adding a sentence or chapter to it every day. And I know there will be conflicts and make ups but thats what makes up a story. To each our own. And Im living mine out=)