Not just an app...

After everything I have been through, it still amazes me how God can take the simplest things and basically turn your life around. Even things like an app. Yes, an app on your smartphone. Some people use these apps as their escape from the real world. A way to get away even if its just for a moment. But in that moment, we aren’t in reality. We are in a fantasy world, whether its fighting off dragons, building your farm, or even building an amusement park. In that moment, that’s where we are. Some call it a distraction, stress relievers, but for me it has turned into something a lot different than that.

A couple months ago, I found this app by Smule. I was already hooked on their Magic Piano and so I decided to give this one called, Sing, a go. Its like karaoke on your phone. You can sing by yourself or you can duet with others. You can join them or they can join you. What I thought was just another way to pass time has actually turned out to be one of the best things I have found in a long time.

After a while, you find people and you can follow them and they, in return can follow you. So whenever they post a song, you can join in. And whenever you post a song they can see and join as well. A couple of weeks into it I found I was joining the same people over and over. You find people you can relate with and who your voice sounds good with. And even if you join them a hundred times, they more than likely are singing with you as well.

I have become very lucky to sing with so many talented singers and songwriters. And even have gotten to know a couple outside of the app. Music has always been something that brings people together. You overlook everything else but their love for music. I am happy to say I have made many friends over this app and talk with some on a regular basis. What turned out to be an app has now become a way for me to express myself, not be judged and talk to other people who have been down the same road. You build this community of people and you know they are always going to be there for you even in the middle of the night.

We may all live in different states and may not ever even meet but I consider them my friends, I know if I never need to talk or vent they are there to listen and that’s all anyone can ever ask for. Music has this unique way of doing that.

There are three people, specifically, that I talk to. Whenever I am having a bad day or just need to talk, they are there. And while they may not know it, I am forever grateful for that. There are some major changes going on in my life at the moment, but the music will always stay the same. And because of this app, I have come to know 3 awesome people that I know I can always count on for support in no matter what I do.

So to those people (you know who you are) your kind words and voices have meant the world to me these past few weeks. I am so glad to have found this app and I am even more glad to call you my friends. You all are special and have this amazing talent and I am so happy that I get to experience both your voices and friendship. God works in mysterious ways and I am a true believer. He knew I needed people and gave me you all. You may not ever know what your words have meant to me but just know I will be here for you in return. And while I hope one day to meet you in person, I at least know your just a song away… Keep writing, keep singing and keep being the awesome people you are!

Its that time of year....

So its that time of year again. The time for family, for friends, for traditions, and making new memories. For me, its my favorite time of year. I love when the trees start changing, the cold air filters, the shopping starts and then of course Thanksgiving and my favorite of all time. Christmas. 

As a little girl, I can remember everything we did for each holiday. Its something called tradition. And the tradition seemed to never break. This is something I embraced and cherished and loved that every year I could look forward to the same thing, the same people and the same memories. Through all of the changes in my life, these were the things that didn't change. That was until a couple of years  ago. 

Instead of looking forward to these get togethers, it became more of "who is having it"and " when is it" kind of thing.. Are we so concerned now with the inconvenience and who is bringing what and who is coming to sit back and think about what this holiday truly means? 

For everyone it has a different meaning. For me, I am just thankful. If there is one thing in my life that has been constant, its the fact that my family have been close and always been supportive. We used to live close by ( literally in the same city ) but now we have become more spread apart so getting together has become more difficult. Kids grow up, get married, and then have other responsibilities. Things do change but I just wish holidays weren't one of them. Whenever I first started dating, my first words to him were "Christmas Eve, I go to my nanny's and that doesn't change." Okay so maybe I was little unforgiving on this one, but its a tradition I refused to give up. And I didn't. We worked around it but I was still there and the same people were always there. Now with the addition of kids, it has made it even better. I don't care about the presents. Its just being around family that I love. I am very lucky to have most of my family still here and I treasure every moment I can spend with them. We used to have each holiday on each side of the family. Christmas was by far the best. We would have it on my dads side, then that night we would go to my nanny's. I can remember driving home at night and watching the sky for glimpse of Santa. Its one of my favorite memories I will forever cherish.

Now that I have Drew I want to start making memories for him. This year is going to be slightly different however. His dad and I split Christmas mornings, meaning each year he wakes up with Santa at either my place or his dads. This year just happens to be his dad's turn and this year my parents will not be here. After accidentally spilling the beans to Drew, and watching him get upset, I realized I was truly upset about it as well. For the first time in 33 years, I will wake up on Christmas morning with nobody. Christmas Eve, however, will not change and I plan on still having it. Hopefully my bestie will be here and I won't be totally alone but its just the thought. ( My parents are going to my sisters this year for the first time to spend it with them ) 

I try not to be selfish and Im glad that my nieces and nephews get to spend Christmas with them. I just have to remember to be blessed that I have family. I have friends and a son who I will get later that day. It may not be this year, or next year but I will start making memories for me and Drew. Whether I am with someone or not, I want him to have those memories.

So as we come upon this time of year, stop and think. Are we grateful? Are we blessed? For those who have lost family members, think of this as a time for remembering them and treasuring the times you had with them. It should be a joyous time and a time of love and laughter. Don't let the hustle and bustle get in the way. Take time to be with those around you. You never know when it may be your last. 

God works in funny ways

Some days when you think you are at the end of everything and nothing seems to be going right, we are reminded that there are people out there that care for you , even people you may not have thought about recently. The other night, I had had a bad day. I was overwhelmed with some stuff and was just ready to call it a night when I got a Facebook message. I was surprised at first when I saw the name and the simple hi. The hi was followed with "You have been on my heart lately and I have been thinking of you." I almost dropped the phone when I read this and I just laughed. I thought to myself, wow, God really is looking out for me.
The message was from a friend of mine in high school whom I lost touch with after graduation but I had followed her on Facebook and knew she was going through a lot of health problems as well. She went on to tell me how she read my blog and how it inspired her and she often felt the same thing that I was going through. In just 2 short sentences, messages, she had my day from bad to inspiring. I knew I had some comments about how my blogs had helped people but to help someone like her really hit home.
Her health issues outweigh mine but she is still one of the most positive people I have ever met, even in high school she always had a smile on her face and was on the nicest and caring people I had ever met. Even though states divide us, its nice to know that technology can still bring us together.
I have been told my blogs are too personal at times and that I give too many details. But I have a crazy life. Its not normal, and it really has never been. But I know I am not the only one out there who experiences what I go through and I also know I have it easy probably compared to others. But I write because not only does it make me feel better but if I can encourage one person, help one person or just make someone smile, then I have done what I set out to do. I don't write just to write. I write to release. I write what is on my heart and if its too much sometimes, then I can't take those words  back. But I can't help people by hiding behind my feelings. I can't be that encouraging word if I can't type it.
So to the person who sent me the message (you know who you are)
Thank you for the encouraging words. Thank you for the thoughts and words and prayers. I don't know how you knew to message me on that night, but you helped me in more ways than you will ever know. I love that I can message you anytime and I know you will be there. Even though we haven't spoke since high school or seen each other, I still consider you a good friend. I am too praying for you and your family. Thank you for being an inspiration to me and I will always be thankful for your friendship.
To the rest of you, take the time to tell someone hi and that you are thinking of them. They may need those words and even though you may not hear back, you may have just made their day.

Surrender

In a previous blog on my other website ( which Im just keeping this one ) I talked about surrendering. When its something you truly believe in, you should not surrender, yet keep fighting for what you love. Fight for what you need and fight for what your heart and gut it telling you too. Yet, how far do we fight before we finally have to eave the white flag. All I know is that it has to be your decision and not someone else. You are the one that stood fighting for so long so you should be the one to finally lay it all down and surrender.
Its hard because people will look at you and say you gave up. They will say you backed down and that you were weak in that moment and it will beat you down. What they dont no is maybe you have been fighting for it for much longer than they think. Maybe months or even years. We are capable of silent fighting. We are capable of letting nobody even remotely close that they cant see that we are standing our ground and doing everything we can to make something work. The other side may not even see it. Our planning and scheming may have come without them blinking an eye. And then when we come to that point, the point of not return, thats when when we have to make the decision.
One path leads you safely away and you never have to face your demons in the past so you surrender there, go on with your life and say well I tried. But did you? The other path is led with rocks and mud and your past haunts all the way up but the decision to surrender is much harder. You face your enemy in the eye and give them all you got. You battle plan is now in action. Whether you surrender of not depends on their response and whether you have anything left in you.
I cant lie. As I write this post, I am fighting back every tear I have to get through this. My surrender may not lie to an enemy. It may not lie as a battle field but it lies in 1 person. A person who I have given everything and sacrificed a lot for over the past year. I probably should have surrendered a long time ago but never did. My heart was telling me no, you have never had feelings like this, fight this one out to the end. But by doing so, my past has come back, I have watched people come and go and still have him in sight. I have never fought this hard over anything or anybody. But I cant surrender. I have grabbed for the flag many times, but something in me has said no, put it back. I have told you about the what its. How I dont know want to live my life with my what ifs. How I have want to be lying on my death bed and have no regrets. Giving up now would be the greatest regret I have ever done. And while its shredding me to pieces and stabbing my heart, I have to believe. I have to be the one to stand up and fight for us. I know its in there.I know he loves me and thats what is so bad.
So as I play with this idea of surrendering, I refuse. I take my flag out and stomp on it and say maybe later. And while it may be tearing every inch of me up, I will not surrender on this one. I will not.

Just Jump!

Get your bathing suit on. Walk down to the pool. Take your time straightning out of your towel and hide your belongings underneath the lounge chair. Take your cover off (make sure you look around first and then make your necessary adjustments so that nobody sees you) and park your flip flops by the chair. Move your eyes around the edge of the pool. Pick a spot where nobody is and starting walking. You may dip your hand in and or even your foot to do a quick test of the water. Get to the very edge and hang your feet over just a little to just where when you look down you see your toes and then the water. From here, there are several choices. You can fall in. Just close your eyes and fall and let the water catch you. You can jump in. You can bend your knees and jump or you can take a run at it and really jump in. Or you can have someone push you. Or you can have someone push you without you. Or you can sit on the edge and dandlge your legs in the water. And then slide in. You can use a ladder and ease your way in. You can dive in. Or you can simply walk away. Get back in the lounge chair where you are comfortable and watch from the safety of your chair. Either way you choose, you have just made a choice. Why in the world am I writing about jumping in the water? You know me by now.... isnt this just like life? 

Do we take a running start and just jump or do we walk away because we are scared of the unknown? Do we have to test the waters a little or a lot before we make that choice? Do we willingly fall in or do we need someone to give us a little push. Or are we in and we don't even realize it? We got pushed and and shoved and we look back and we find invisilbe arms. How did we get here? Think about the last time you had to make a decision. How did you get there? Or is it something you are still struggling with? Are you testing the waters or are you starting to make that jump or are you simply walking away?

Different situations call for different approaches. The good, the bad, the ugly, whatever you are about to jump into, calls for different approaches. The water may be a job, a relationship, your family, a dark place, a good place, or it could be simply a new start. What is going through your mind as you stand there and look into the future? Your past comes back to haunt you and the water becomes foggy. Its no longer clear. 

I live life differently. I personally live life as its my last day. Its my last chance to do something. I dont stare at the water, I jump. I may not always jump with confidence but I jump knowing its new territory. Ive done my research and I know my ways out, but I cant let that water go without exploring it. It may be the best thing thats ever happened or it could be the worse. Either way, I can leave with knowing I did it. Ive been there, done that and its just another stepping stone to the rest of my life. So I have a little problem with people relying too much on their past and not jumping. The past is exactly what it says it is, the past. Why let that hinder your presence or even your future? Learn from your mistakes and move on. If you live your life based on all your past decisions, you will never know what you are capable of. You may never know what will make you happy. You may never know that the past was wrong and you are now a different person with different outlooks. 

I try not to live with "what ifs". Or regrets. I dont want to look back and say what if... I dont think many people do. But if we keep standing at the edge just looking abd backing away, those what if's are going to keep building. But if you are comfortable and happy with playing it safe, then play it safe. Never step off of that ledge. But you will also not know what might have been. 

So nex time you are starting at the water, dont let someone push you in or pull you out. Take the plunge. Follow your gut, your heart and your mind. Go for it. Who you are when you are standing at the end, will leave you with a smile no matter the outcome. Live. 

Silent Communicators

In this day of age, its the ding we wait for. That sound that someone is responding to you or talking to you. That infamous "Ding!" coming from your phone. Back then, it came in forms of letters, or just plain talking. I sort of miss those days. Its like we have become silent communicators.  We hide behind technology so we can say what we want without having to stand face to face with the outcome, good or bad. I could give you loads of examples, but how many times have you confronted someone over email, text or even Facebook messaging? Why? Were you too scared to say it to them or were you scared their answer was not going to be what you looked for. Maybe it was because you didn't want to confront them but then you realize oh I can just type this and send and maybe it wont hurt so much. Or does it?
The problem with technology is its staying power. Not only does it keep things around, it can be a constant reminder of the situation. Yes, you can delete the emails, delete the texts but can you really delete the words you read over and over? And then questions just start rolling in. Why did they say this? Did they mean for it to sound this way? We read everything out of context. We can take a simple answer or just not receiving an answer as a really bad thing. We can spin those words into anything we want. After all, the person on the other side is not their to defend their selves or even explain. So we have to take what we see on the screen or not see on the screen as it is. And the cycle just goes on...
Sure, writing a letter may have been a way of hiding behind stuff but at least it was a little more personal and nothing the whole word can see. Then came Facebook. Now dont get me wrong, I have used this as an outlet for many things. It can be a great way to communicate to everyone without having to make phone calls, or even leaving your couch. But when does that line get crossed? How many times have you scrolled down your newsfeed and find someones rant on how someone has done that person wrong. And then worse, they can tag that person in the post so that everyone now knows. And they have one side to read and thats yours. Unless they start an all out Facebook war, which I have seen happen, its quite disturbing. People are quick to judge and you automatically go from reading those words to pretending you know the whole situation. They are just words. I could easily go right now and post something bad about someone. I can make this whole thing up and just let you all, the readers, my audience, take what they want from it. What they dont know is the other person may be in the dark about what happened. They may not have a single clue about a huge lie that has been spread to 1000+ people on Facebook. And they are quickly and silently being judged. Has technology really done this to us? Have we become more angry, shallow, judging, and loud just to hide behind something? Do we use this as a good or bad outlet? They are just letters. Letters that you put together to make a word. Words used to make a sentence and sentences used to make a paragraph. But in using these letters and words, are we doing any good? Or are we just knocking people down left and right so we can feel better about ourselves. Sort of like your secret redemption. It really is becoming a disturbing world we live in.
Now Im not saying technology in a whole is bad. It can be of some good. Its when you take advantage of it for your own good that it becomes a problem. I too am a victim of reading into something way to fast that I have tortured myself over it. I would send a text and not get a response in what I think is a timely manner and it drives me nuts. What you dont see is the other person. What if their phone isnt on? Or maybe simply, they just dont have it. The reasons behind a missing text can be a simple answer yet we can make it something way more difficult. Why not just use your phone, dial the number and actually talk to them? Or heck, even if you dont want to do that at least leave a voicemail to where they can hear you. Sometimes a voice message, even though still sort of hiding, is better because they can your words and they dont have to decipher quite as much as what your meaning is behind it. I have left plenty of voicemails before. And yes, its easier but still, communication is simply slipping away.
So my challenge for you is take the time to talk to someone. If yo are mad or angry or confused even, talk to them. Dont rant about it on Facebook. Dont write an angry email (especially when your emotions are in charge) Dont say something you cant take back. Because as soon as you hit that send button its out of your hands. And there is no taking back what you may have said. Dont hide behind a screen. Pick up the phone. Sometimes a simple phone call just saying hey or how are you doing can mean more to someone than you may ever know.

Hard Post....

I havent written in a while and partially because I spent the whole month of July in the hospital.. surprise surprise.. After a serious UTI, meds, 2 blood transfusions, 4 bags of iron and rest, after 22 days, I was released. I dont really remember much but I did have surgery, blew about 15 ivs and had 3 central lines placed ( because the radiologist messed up but thats a whole different story ) but I came out alive, once again and started to realize I was on the same road I was before. I had lost my job because, well they cant really hold your position when you are out that long, so here there I was. After going to my follow up drs appts, and realizing everything was going to back to normal, I realized one night, I had to do something. I was like stuck in this pattern and something had to give. I didnt know what, but as you all know, things do happen for a reason.
I have longed ago realized that people like to compare their lives to others. They like to make assumptions. They like to think that they have it all and if someone makes a move that they dont agree with, then they can either A) mind their own business  or B) make a fuss. Now I could make a fuss but I choose choice A. I used to think that what others thought of me mattered but not really anymore.
Sometimes in life you have to be selfish. You have to think of whats best for your and your kids if you have them and make the right move. I think we all have this part of our gut that tells us whether we are wrong or right and we may ignore it from time to tim but most of the time we do pay attention. Funny thing is, my gut said not a word to me. So as as begin to think about a new chapter, a new start, I also have to think about swallowing my pride and doing whats best for me and Drew. Keeping a job is really out of the picture at the moment, so disability it is. Funny thing is my lawyer said I should have got it a long time ago but heres where it gets me.
I look at Facebook often. I see my friends with careers, families and growing families and its tough to look at at times. I mean they are out there contributing to the world. They are out there making names for themselves. The biggest name I can make for myself would probably be in a medical journal cause nobody can figure me out. I am a 33 year old who has an adorable awesome son, awesome parents and amazing support system. So why am I complaining? Because its not what I saw coming for myself.
When I first got married, it was every girls dream. I married my best friend, we had a house and we started a family. We both had good jobs and then, as you all know, my life crumbled. That was my first test. And then through another marriage and sickeness, God has tested me over and over again. I keep my head held high and a smile on my face because thats all I know to do . But when nobodys looking, that smile can often turn into tears and fear. When you cant see in front of you, how you can possibly move on blindly? But I have. Each day is different and I dont know whats around the corner. But I have done what I feel is best for me and I feel happy about it. I feel like its the best move I could have made at the time and I am proud. And even though I may never have that perfect life, well for me, it has to be perfect. Everyone's perfect is different. And if you are one of those who thing you have it made, well good for you. But dont be so quick to judge others lives. You may never know what they are going through or what they have gone through, so their decisions, while not good in your eyes, may be just what they need.

Until then...