Whoa! What just happened??

Did my life actually take a turn for the better? When all of a sudden the future seemed so doomed, something happened. Eric moved last Tuesday which was horrible. It was a bad night and he didnt even want to see me to say goodbye which killed me. BUT the same night I met a guy. Yes a guy. And for the first time, we sat at at coffee shop at talked for like 3 hours. And the conversation just flowed. I felt at ease and I was so nervous before I got there. But it was wonderful. And all these things I had in mind that I would see other couples do on "dates" I always remember saying, I want that. And guess what.. he asked me out again. He is a couple years older but does not like it. So if I feel like it, we are supposed to be going putt putt golfing. Which is awesome. Only issues is now my health comes into play. I am still not over my infection and they want to me go to U of L ER and more than likely be admitted. So they can figure out what to do. They can do better than SJE or any other hospitals around here. They are also referring me to Cleveland Clinic to see if they can give me some answers. Which Im glad of because I am miserable from the pain and discomfort. But also scared Im gonna lose the one chance of meeting and getting to know someone great. Im broken. But he seemed to understand the not working and disability and stuff. And living with my parents so that was a plus. Its just life yay for getting me fixed and yay for finding someone great so far. What the crap? Is life playing tricks again?
I will keep this short but just wanted to fill everyone in. I miss Eric like crazy but we still keep in touch. And this other guy, if its in Gods will, he will understand.

Cya!

Lifes About Changing Nothing Ever Stays The Same

I remember reading a book or watching movies about kids moving away and having to say goodbye to their best friends. I was lucky to never have to face that until graduation. Even then it was expected so saying goodbye was bound to come. It's when you don't see it coming or even when you know it's going but you try to drag it out and put it in the back of your mind. And then when it comes. When that night before you have to say goodbye comes. it hits you like a wrecking ball.
I know technology has made it so easy keep in touch. With texting, FaceTime, its harder not to keep in contact. But its not the same. Hearing someones voice over the phone is not the same as talking to them. Telling them goodbye over the phone is not the same as a hug. The places we always went and ate won't be the same. The games we used to play. The shows we used to watch. None of it. Everything will have a good memory attached to it. But it will hurt. I don't know how long. But it will hurt. To fight for something so hard and watch it eave is one of the toughest things I will ever encounter. All I want is for him to happy. And he has to leave to do so. And I can say that to him and to anyone anytime when deep inside its a whole different ballgame.
I never knew I would fall in love again. I never knew Id be so lucky to meet someone so amazing who has turned my life around. And even though we couldn't really date, he became best friend. Someone I could depend on time after time for anything. The day he asked me to move in is a day I will never forget. But the timing wasn't right. And we both knew it was coming. It was like if I wasn't dragging it out, he was. And now tomorrow. as I say goodbye and hug and kiss him for the last time, Im gonna walk away thankful that I was able to have in my life. And thankful that he still will be. But Im gonna walk away with tears because we al have that selfish part of us that wants what we want. Its gonna be a tough days to come. And while he may never know how much he has has meant to me I have done everything to tell and show him. I hope Texas treats him well. I hope he finds what he needs and most of all I hope he's happy. Me? Ill survive. I have in the past and I will now. Just something else for me to get over. In time, I know I will. In time...

Awesome cover of "Chasing Cars" on Smule: http://www.smule.com/p/402925226_255046893Awesome cover of "Chasing Cars" on Smule: http://www.smule.com/p/402925226_255046893

Not just an app...

After everything I have been through, it still amazes me how God can take the simplest things and basically turn your life around. Even things like an app. Yes, an app on your smartphone. Some people use these apps as their escape from the real world. A way to get away even if its just for a moment. But in that moment, we aren’t in reality. We are in a fantasy world, whether its fighting off dragons, building your farm, or even building an amusement park. In that moment, that’s where we are. Some call it a distraction, stress relievers, but for me it has turned into something a lot different than that.

A couple months ago, I found this app by Smule. I was already hooked on their Magic Piano and so I decided to give this one called, Sing, a go. Its like karaoke on your phone. You can sing by yourself or you can duet with others. You can join them or they can join you. What I thought was just another way to pass time has actually turned out to be one of the best things I have found in a long time.

After a while, you find people and you can follow them and they, in return can follow you. So whenever they post a song, you can join in. And whenever you post a song they can see and join as well. A couple of weeks into it I found I was joining the same people over and over. You find people you can relate with and who your voice sounds good with. And even if you join them a hundred times, they more than likely are singing with you as well.

I have become very lucky to sing with so many talented singers and songwriters. And even have gotten to know a couple outside of the app. Music has always been something that brings people together. You overlook everything else but their love for music. I am happy to say I have made many friends over this app and talk with some on a regular basis. What turned out to be an app has now become a way for me to express myself, not be judged and talk to other people who have been down the same road. You build this community of people and you know they are always going to be there for you even in the middle of the night.

We may all live in different states and may not ever even meet but I consider them my friends, I know if I never need to talk or vent they are there to listen and that’s all anyone can ever ask for. Music has this unique way of doing that.

There are three people, specifically, that I talk to. Whenever I am having a bad day or just need to talk, they are there. And while they may not know it, I am forever grateful for that. There are some major changes going on in my life at the moment, but the music will always stay the same. And because of this app, I have come to know 3 awesome people that I know I can always count on for support in no matter what I do.

So to those people (you know who you are) your kind words and voices have meant the world to me these past few weeks. I am so glad to have found this app and I am even more glad to call you my friends. You all are special and have this amazing talent and I am so happy that I get to experience both your voices and friendship. God works in mysterious ways and I am a true believer. He knew I needed people and gave me you all. You may not ever know what your words have meant to me but just know I will be here for you in return. And while I hope one day to meet you in person, I at least know your just a song away… Keep writing, keep singing and keep being the awesome people you are!

Its that time of year....

So its that time of year again. The time for family, for friends, for traditions, and making new memories. For me, its my favorite time of year. I love when the trees start changing, the cold air filters, the shopping starts and then of course Thanksgiving and my favorite of all time. Christmas. 

As a little girl, I can remember everything we did for each holiday. Its something called tradition. And the tradition seemed to never break. This is something I embraced and cherished and loved that every year I could look forward to the same thing, the same people and the same memories. Through all of the changes in my life, these were the things that didn't change. That was until a couple of years  ago. 

Instead of looking forward to these get togethers, it became more of "who is having it"and " when is it" kind of thing.. Are we so concerned now with the inconvenience and who is bringing what and who is coming to sit back and think about what this holiday truly means? 

For everyone it has a different meaning. For me, I am just thankful. If there is one thing in my life that has been constant, its the fact that my family have been close and always been supportive. We used to live close by ( literally in the same city ) but now we have become more spread apart so getting together has become more difficult. Kids grow up, get married, and then have other responsibilities. Things do change but I just wish holidays weren't one of them. Whenever I first started dating, my first words to him were "Christmas Eve, I go to my nanny's and that doesn't change." Okay so maybe I was little unforgiving on this one, but its a tradition I refused to give up. And I didn't. We worked around it but I was still there and the same people were always there. Now with the addition of kids, it has made it even better. I don't care about the presents. Its just being around family that I love. I am very lucky to have most of my family still here and I treasure every moment I can spend with them. We used to have each holiday on each side of the family. Christmas was by far the best. We would have it on my dads side, then that night we would go to my nanny's. I can remember driving home at night and watching the sky for glimpse of Santa. Its one of my favorite memories I will forever cherish.

Now that I have Drew I want to start making memories for him. This year is going to be slightly different however. His dad and I split Christmas mornings, meaning each year he wakes up with Santa at either my place or his dads. This year just happens to be his dad's turn and this year my parents will not be here. After accidentally spilling the beans to Drew, and watching him get upset, I realized I was truly upset about it as well. For the first time in 33 years, I will wake up on Christmas morning with nobody. Christmas Eve, however, will not change and I plan on still having it. Hopefully my bestie will be here and I won't be totally alone but its just the thought. ( My parents are going to my sisters this year for the first time to spend it with them ) 

I try not to be selfish and Im glad that my nieces and nephews get to spend Christmas with them. I just have to remember to be blessed that I have family. I have friends and a son who I will get later that day. It may not be this year, or next year but I will start making memories for me and Drew. Whether I am with someone or not, I want him to have those memories.

So as we come upon this time of year, stop and think. Are we grateful? Are we blessed? For those who have lost family members, think of this as a time for remembering them and treasuring the times you had with them. It should be a joyous time and a time of love and laughter. Don't let the hustle and bustle get in the way. Take time to be with those around you. You never know when it may be your last. 

God works in funny ways

Some days when you think you are at the end of everything and nothing seems to be going right, we are reminded that there are people out there that care for you , even people you may not have thought about recently. The other night, I had had a bad day. I was overwhelmed with some stuff and was just ready to call it a night when I got a Facebook message. I was surprised at first when I saw the name and the simple hi. The hi was followed with "You have been on my heart lately and I have been thinking of you." I almost dropped the phone when I read this and I just laughed. I thought to myself, wow, God really is looking out for me.
The message was from a friend of mine in high school whom I lost touch with after graduation but I had followed her on Facebook and knew she was going through a lot of health problems as well. She went on to tell me how she read my blog and how it inspired her and she often felt the same thing that I was going through. In just 2 short sentences, messages, she had my day from bad to inspiring. I knew I had some comments about how my blogs had helped people but to help someone like her really hit home.
Her health issues outweigh mine but she is still one of the most positive people I have ever met, even in high school she always had a smile on her face and was on the nicest and caring people I had ever met. Even though states divide us, its nice to know that technology can still bring us together.
I have been told my blogs are too personal at times and that I give too many details. But I have a crazy life. Its not normal, and it really has never been. But I know I am not the only one out there who experiences what I go through and I also know I have it easy probably compared to others. But I write because not only does it make me feel better but if I can encourage one person, help one person or just make someone smile, then I have done what I set out to do. I don't write just to write. I write to release. I write what is on my heart and if its too much sometimes, then I can't take those words  back. But I can't help people by hiding behind my feelings. I can't be that encouraging word if I can't type it.
So to the person who sent me the message (you know who you are)
Thank you for the encouraging words. Thank you for the thoughts and words and prayers. I don't know how you knew to message me on that night, but you helped me in more ways than you will ever know. I love that I can message you anytime and I know you will be there. Even though we haven't spoke since high school or seen each other, I still consider you a good friend. I am too praying for you and your family. Thank you for being an inspiration to me and I will always be thankful for your friendship.
To the rest of you, take the time to tell someone hi and that you are thinking of them. They may need those words and even though you may not hear back, you may have just made their day.

Surrender

In a previous blog on my other website ( which Im just keeping this one ) I talked about surrendering. When its something you truly believe in, you should not surrender, yet keep fighting for what you love. Fight for what you need and fight for what your heart and gut it telling you too. Yet, how far do we fight before we finally have to eave the white flag. All I know is that it has to be your decision and not someone else. You are the one that stood fighting for so long so you should be the one to finally lay it all down and surrender.
Its hard because people will look at you and say you gave up. They will say you backed down and that you were weak in that moment and it will beat you down. What they dont no is maybe you have been fighting for it for much longer than they think. Maybe months or even years. We are capable of silent fighting. We are capable of letting nobody even remotely close that they cant see that we are standing our ground and doing everything we can to make something work. The other side may not even see it. Our planning and scheming may have come without them blinking an eye. And then when we come to that point, the point of not return, thats when when we have to make the decision.
One path leads you safely away and you never have to face your demons in the past so you surrender there, go on with your life and say well I tried. But did you? The other path is led with rocks and mud and your past haunts all the way up but the decision to surrender is much harder. You face your enemy in the eye and give them all you got. You battle plan is now in action. Whether you surrender of not depends on their response and whether you have anything left in you.
I cant lie. As I write this post, I am fighting back every tear I have to get through this. My surrender may not lie to an enemy. It may not lie as a battle field but it lies in 1 person. A person who I have given everything and sacrificed a lot for over the past year. I probably should have surrendered a long time ago but never did. My heart was telling me no, you have never had feelings like this, fight this one out to the end. But by doing so, my past has come back, I have watched people come and go and still have him in sight. I have never fought this hard over anything or anybody. But I cant surrender. I have grabbed for the flag many times, but something in me has said no, put it back. I have told you about the what its. How I dont know want to live my life with my what ifs. How I have want to be lying on my death bed and have no regrets. Giving up now would be the greatest regret I have ever done. And while its shredding me to pieces and stabbing my heart, I have to believe. I have to be the one to stand up and fight for us. I know its in there.I know he loves me and thats what is so bad.
So as I play with this idea of surrendering, I refuse. I take my flag out and stomp on it and say maybe later. And while it may be tearing every inch of me up, I will not surrender on this one. I will not.

Just Jump!

Get your bathing suit on. Walk down to the pool. Take your time straightning out of your towel and hide your belongings underneath the lounge chair. Take your cover off (make sure you look around first and then make your necessary adjustments so that nobody sees you) and park your flip flops by the chair. Move your eyes around the edge of the pool. Pick a spot where nobody is and starting walking. You may dip your hand in and or even your foot to do a quick test of the water. Get to the very edge and hang your feet over just a little to just where when you look down you see your toes and then the water. From here, there are several choices. You can fall in. Just close your eyes and fall and let the water catch you. You can jump in. You can bend your knees and jump or you can take a run at it and really jump in. Or you can have someone push you. Or you can have someone push you without you. Or you can sit on the edge and dandlge your legs in the water. And then slide in. You can use a ladder and ease your way in. You can dive in. Or you can simply walk away. Get back in the lounge chair where you are comfortable and watch from the safety of your chair. Either way you choose, you have just made a choice. Why in the world am I writing about jumping in the water? You know me by now.... isnt this just like life? 

Do we take a running start and just jump or do we walk away because we are scared of the unknown? Do we have to test the waters a little or a lot before we make that choice? Do we willingly fall in or do we need someone to give us a little push. Or are we in and we don't even realize it? We got pushed and and shoved and we look back and we find invisilbe arms. How did we get here? Think about the last time you had to make a decision. How did you get there? Or is it something you are still struggling with? Are you testing the waters or are you starting to make that jump or are you simply walking away?

Different situations call for different approaches. The good, the bad, the ugly, whatever you are about to jump into, calls for different approaches. The water may be a job, a relationship, your family, a dark place, a good place, or it could be simply a new start. What is going through your mind as you stand there and look into the future? Your past comes back to haunt you and the water becomes foggy. Its no longer clear. 

I live life differently. I personally live life as its my last day. Its my last chance to do something. I dont stare at the water, I jump. I may not always jump with confidence but I jump knowing its new territory. Ive done my research and I know my ways out, but I cant let that water go without exploring it. It may be the best thing thats ever happened or it could be the worse. Either way, I can leave with knowing I did it. Ive been there, done that and its just another stepping stone to the rest of my life. So I have a little problem with people relying too much on their past and not jumping. The past is exactly what it says it is, the past. Why let that hinder your presence or even your future? Learn from your mistakes and move on. If you live your life based on all your past decisions, you will never know what you are capable of. You may never know what will make you happy. You may never know that the past was wrong and you are now a different person with different outlooks. 

I try not to live with "what ifs". Or regrets. I dont want to look back and say what if... I dont think many people do. But if we keep standing at the edge just looking abd backing away, those what if's are going to keep building. But if you are comfortable and happy with playing it safe, then play it safe. Never step off of that ledge. But you will also not know what might have been. 

So nex time you are starting at the water, dont let someone push you in or pull you out. Take the plunge. Follow your gut, your heart and your mind. Go for it. Who you are when you are standing at the end, will leave you with a smile no matter the outcome. Live.