Dont ______ right after _______

So the correct answer? Don't cut your hair right after something dramatic happens.

But I did.

I cut my hair. Did you ever hear that saying? Like don't do something major right when you are mad or sad or something... however I wold have done it anyhow. 

So one more day passes by and works still great. Got a lot of compliments today on how good I am doing and Im actually getting use of my college degree for once. And even though I don't have a degree in HR, Im gonna be involved in that as well in the coming weeks. So things are looking up ( besides the fact that I have still yet found the perfect place to park ) I parked in the employee lot for the first time and rode the shuttle over which dropped me off at the employee entrance. Which thankfully I stumbled and found my way to my department. As long as I can get to the basement I think Im good. ( Although I did get turned around trying to find the restroom today, which I ask myself. this is my 4th day and I am just now asking where the restrooms are? Hmm ) The people are great and I know, I know this is only my 4th day. The only complaint so far is getting used to using 2 monitors! 

As far as the other deal.. yep, pretty much still trying to get over that.. Part of me wants it over and now parts of me wants it put back together. I guess I am in that transitioning stage. Where Im not sure really what I want. I mean if he walked back through that door right now and asked if we could start over like almost dating again... I would without hesitation. So I don't know where I am exactly. However, I think Im finally making steps forward, baby like, really little baby steps but at least they are in the right direction right? I still want to find out what I did. I still want to talk to him but I have to just let it go. ( Temporary break for a " Frozen " moment ) The one thing that is still eating at me is he didn't even try. There were no chances because he didn't give it one chance. And if he did, he sure didn't let me know. Theres a song that Steven Curtis Chapman sings from ages ago called " Love and Learn " Now Im not gonna quote it but I will say I can't listen to it right now without crying my eyes out. Theres also a song out right now called " Restore ". Both focus on marriages and being Christ centered. I wanted a chance to get that back. But it was like someone flipped a switch in him and now hes, well I don't what he is because he's cut off all contact with me. But each and every day its getting better. I can laugh now and I can smile and not fake it. 

I don't know if he reads these. I doubt it. But he has to know this. That I love him. I wish he could figure out whatever he needs to figure out and make it right with me. Im not going anywhere at the moment. 

thanks guys=) 

Did I Go Too Far?

Did I go too far with  my emotions in the last 2 blogs? Was that me or the trembling emotions talking? Probably more emotion than me. But what is written it cannot be backspaced. It can't be undone. Well technically I could but I don't want to. If I take you all along on my journey to happiness, maybe it will  help me get stronger and help anyone else.

Now I can't say the pain is better. But I am smiling more. Even today. 4 years ago today I became engaged. And I can't think about how happy I was. And how happy we all were. I remember that day in detail. So I get past that fact and then I start watching General Hospital. Not only did I think the last time I watched the Nurses Ball, was with him, the last song that was sang and the last scenes just were too much.

I know Im healing everyday. I know God is still giving me that strength. I have never once let my faith waiver whether it was dealing with my first divorce, or through losing jobs, or or through a difficult sickness. I need him more than ever right now. And I am doing my best to let him be there. I am doing my best not to place blame on anyone. Even though I still am clueless and have no closure. I can't place blame on Ramon . All I really want is a simple conversation.

One of my friends told me to " fake it till you make it:." I love it but I on the line. Sure I don't want to him to see how miserable I am. I want him to see me happy. I want him to see how happy this job is making me. I want him to see me with Drew. I want him to see how much I am trying to take care of myself. And the house. And everything else. But on the flip side, I want him to know I still need him. That I still love him. I don't want him to think Ive moved on.

But with prayer, faith and my family I will move on. Whether he comes back or not, its his and Gods hands. Until then, my focus goes to God, singing and let other people see him through me, my family, and my son and mostly me.

Again, I don't want anyone to think Im writing this to get sympathy for for anyone to feel sorry for me. But I want to share my journey. There are so many other peoples stories out there that Im sure have touched others, I hope mine will. Of course its going to be a while, but just getting these words out of my head and heart and onto here is a huge accomplishment for me. People are always going to judge you for what you do. You can't let them get you down.

Im not saying that Im done with the crying. Or done with just being plain mad. Or done with thinking about him. But hopefully that diminish over the next weeks or so. So until then, I hope you stick with following my blog and my journey to peace and comfort. And again, prayers are always welcome.

=)

Where To Go From Here

I can't say that each day gets easier. I can't say that I don't break down and cry at the very thought of him. I can't tell you that taking down all of our pictures in the house was easy and down with a a dry eye. I can't tell you I don't start crying even on Facebook when I run upon a picture of us, even the pictures we took the Sunday before he left. I look around and see him everywhere. I wake up in the middle of the night and the other half of the bed is empty and it seems like my arms stretch for miles just trying to find him. I still wait for that door to open and it be him.I hear a song that takes me back to a time with him. I just can't say anything.

I wish I could give details on what happened. I wish I had those details. But when you are married to someone over 3 years and known them almost all of your life, and then all of a sudden they are gone, it hurts. I haven't heard from him. I haven't seen him. He refuses to talk to me. How can someone just run out of your life like that? My son had surgery and the least he could have done was to ask how he was. I know he loved Drew and I know Drew loved him. Every night we say our prayers and Drew asks God to bring him back to us. That kid is something else. He's been stronger through this than I have honestly. 

I would bring up the fact that his whole family has dismissed me. Almost like I don't exists. I don't know what I did But not only did I lose him but I lost another family who just refuses to talk to me as well. 

As far as Ramon goes, I don't even know. I don't know if he's afraid to come back and talk. I really don't know. I can't ask anyone because nobody responds. Its like I didn't even exist. I just wish someone would tell me he's okay. I do still care about him. In my mind thought, he doesn't care about me or Drew anymore. And I have to let that go. And just know God is looking over us. Ive been hurt so much. The scars on my heart can tell the stories. I just want to know that part of him is hurting. Just a bit. That he does recognize I was and still his wife at the moment. I just want to hear him. Even if its a simple conversation. And as far as these counselors go ( that are not Christian based) and told him to not even consider going to marriage counseling, well if I have words for them. But I will ekkp this G Rated. 

I know it will get better. Going through this divorce is going to be tough. But I have great family, a new awesome job and faith and my God who has his hands on me and Drew each and every day. I just pray that Ramon feels God too. I fear that he's gonna lose that relationship with him. 

Thanks for the prayers and words of encouragement. You all really don't know what that means to me. 

My left ring finger is so much lighter now

Before anyone asks... yes me and Ramon are in the middle of a divorce. The reason.. well your guess is as good as mine. He packed and up and left all of a sudden on the 21st and then I receive an email from him a week later saying he was done. Then filed for a divorce. Yes people, my marriages ended through an email. He won't talk or listen to me. And I haven't seen him in over 3 weeks. But you can only imagine what is going through my head at the moment.

Im going to keep this one pretty short because I don't want to say anything I will regret later. If anything I will say after almost 4 years of marriage, I was blind sided. Im upset. Im mad and probably every emotion in between. I have no closure basically because I got an email.. at least I deserved in person on on the phone. Drew and I would appreciate your prayers as we struggle with this. And I guess for Ramon as well. I don't know where he is or what happened.

Thanks.