Did I Go Too Far?

Did I go too far with  my emotions in the last 2 blogs? Was that me or the trembling emotions talking? Probably more emotion than me. But what is written it cannot be backspaced. It can't be undone. Well technically I could but I don't want to. If I take you all along on my journey to happiness, maybe it will  help me get stronger and help anyone else.

Now I can't say the pain is better. But I am smiling more. Even today. 4 years ago today I became engaged. And I can't think about how happy I was. And how happy we all were. I remember that day in detail. So I get past that fact and then I start watching General Hospital. Not only did I think the last time I watched the Nurses Ball, was with him, the last song that was sang and the last scenes just were too much.

I know Im healing everyday. I know God is still giving me that strength. I have never once let my faith waiver whether it was dealing with my first divorce, or through losing jobs, or or through a difficult sickness. I need him more than ever right now. And I am doing my best to let him be there. I am doing my best not to place blame on anyone. Even though I still am clueless and have no closure. I can't place blame on Ramon . All I really want is a simple conversation.

One of my friends told me to " fake it till you make it:." I love it but I on the line. Sure I don't want to him to see how miserable I am. I want him to see me happy. I want him to see how happy this job is making me. I want him to see me with Drew. I want him to see how much I am trying to take care of myself. And the house. And everything else. But on the flip side, I want him to know I still need him. That I still love him. I don't want him to think Ive moved on.

But with prayer, faith and my family I will move on. Whether he comes back or not, its his and Gods hands. Until then, my focus goes to God, singing and let other people see him through me, my family, and my son and mostly me.

Again, I don't want anyone to think Im writing this to get sympathy for for anyone to feel sorry for me. But I want to share my journey. There are so many other peoples stories out there that Im sure have touched others, I hope mine will. Of course its going to be a while, but just getting these words out of my head and heart and onto here is a huge accomplishment for me. People are always going to judge you for what you do. You can't let them get you down.

Im not saying that Im done with the crying. Or done with just being plain mad. Or done with thinking about him. But hopefully that diminish over the next weeks or so. So until then, I hope you stick with following my blog and my journey to peace and comfort. And again, prayers are always welcome.

=)