As I sit here with my iv meds running through me, I started thinking about the last year. In particular my last year. Most of it included losing things, hospitals, medicines, surgeries. I think the most positive thing has been my job. And of course the usual great family and friend support. Of course none of this was foreseen by me. None of this was something I chose. The sicknesses, the divorce, the surgeries and now more infections. A couple of blogs ago, I had a comment saying how I was such an inspiration anyhow my story could really help people learn how to cope. I make it sound like its worse than it is. I mean, yes, twice now I have come close to dying but there are people worse out there than I have ever been, But in my own little world, every now and then I just hate it. I hate having to explain to people whats on my arm. I even hate that my son knows exactly what it is. I hate when I get him when I get home from work, that I come home, look over his paperwork, get him settled and then have to do my meds which take up most of the time then its time for him to get to bed. I hate all these situations. So how are people going to learn from me? Lets talk about marriage.. ooh well, divorced twice.. how do you stay healthy.. see the above. Its like every time I get a good hand, it gets trumped by something bad and Im forced once again to fight another fight. You have to wonder when its going to be turn to not have to do that. A time where I can go and not be sick and spend time with Drew and have money and be happy. Happiness means a lot of different things. Some will say money, kids, jobs, a significant other, a good family. I would say yea, all of those things would make me happy. But what gets me so mad at me, is Im good at taking something potentially good and ruining it. Im really good at placing blame on myself even if its not my fault. Even if its no big deal, I chalk it up to , well I screwed this up, now what.
The meds, the sicknesses, they are obviously not my fault. For some reason my bladder and kidneys just don't like me. And the infections just want to to stick around. Ive had people ask me aren't I sad to have to move from this house and the honest answer is no. There is nothing from this house that I would want to take with me ( except for the furniture of course) but no memories, no regrets. I have learned more from this empty house than I ever did in the past 3 years or so. Moving out is actually something Im looking fwd to. That means a fresh start. I just want to be me again. I have mentioned this before. But some things have changed and I think Im finding her but its not to say that doesn't come with tears and whys and headaches. Maybe Ive been gone so long, I don't even know where to start. But I know these past 2 weeks I have been happier. Im just gonna say its nice to be complimented without having to ask for it. And then winning a huge award from something you did for work. I just hope to stay on this path and for now, still digging around for the old me and even if I can't find her, Im sure the new one will be just fine.
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