To Get It Right

As I was picking out songs last week to sing for an audition for a competition that my company has, I fell across this song called " Get It Right ". I first heard it on Glee and I chose it because the audition had to be under 2 minutes. But it wasn't until I sang it when I was like oh my gosh, this is sort of where I am. This is the my audition. You can see my emotion.
After I watched the video, I could see the emotion. Whenever I choose a song to sing in church or wherever, I choose a song that I can put heart and raw emotion in. I always believed that God has given me that talent to reach people. So the songs I sing relate to my life rather in the past, present or future. 
Obviously this song really isn't a church song but a song that after I saw the video, I could not only hear the words but I could feel the words. 
In my last blog, I talked about standing still and letting God. Well, peoples its easier said than done. Its just like that song, how many times does it take to get it right? And it does feel like everything you do tumbles down no matter how hard you try. And as much as I want to write and say everything is wonderful and awesome, its not. At least not yet. I believe there has to be a breaking point in your life before you discover what you really need. Most of my breaking points happen at home randomly. As of right now, I am living in the house that Ramon and I shared for the last almost 4 years. And while his stuff is gone or out of my sight, I still will find something and it will shake me to the core. Im not here to place blame, thats not what this blog is about. But in my break downs, it due to the fact that twice now I am divorced. And while I can honestly say that I fought for both and neither was my fault, I still find ways to blame myself. And during all of the finals of my last divorce was when I was in the hospital. My poor nurse once night, watched me basically cry myself to sleep because God had given me yet another chance at life and I just don't want to screw it up. Im blessed that my job was held for me and I am working again. My supervisors are awesome and are watching me like a hawk to make sure Im doing okay. I even got a reward / certificate for my work on a video we had to do. All my coworkers ask me how I am doing and they are glad to see me back. That makes me happy=) Just to know that I was missed was a great feeling. It proved that I was making some impact even if it was a job.
Another one is my son, Drew. He came up to me last night just to kiss and hug me and tell me he loves me. I will never understand how I got so blessed to have such a wonderful son. God has definetely given me a gift in him. Now I never ask why God? Why did you let me live again? If anything, its because of him.
So while I live my last post and say I am standing still, I am however I am on my knees praying or on the couch having a breakdown. But if you don't have that breakdown and you allow yourself to shut off all of your emotions and pretend everything is okay, its only going to get worse. You HAVE to allow yourself to get to that breaking point so God can pick you up and make you whole again. 
Where do I think I am? I think I am in between breaking down and being picked back up. My crying moments are getting better and although I still am not totally the girl I want to be, I know God is there. And he is leading me wherever he wants too. I am so blessed to have such a huge family support system and a loving church family. I am blessed that I get to take part in the worship team and let God use my voice to reach people. This is what I hold on to. I hold on to God. And God holds on to me. I know there is a purpose and I will see it eventually. In Gods time. 
So for all of you who are struggling with anything, let yourself break down, whether its by yourself, in front of someone you trust or wherever, don't be afraid to let yourself go. The only thing that will happen is God will pick you up so you need to lean on him and your loved ones. 
So thats where I am. I know where I need to be but Gods helping me get there.