Relationships, We All Want 'Em, We All Got 'Em, What We Do With Them...

At least Jimmy Buffet knows..

Oh the time of your life when your life becomes full of what ifs and regrets and tears and smiles and well.. other stuff. Dating. Now at the age of 32, you would think I would have this one down. Umm wrong. Everyone I have dated ( 2 people ) I ended up marrying and well we all know how that turned out. So dating for me is brand new. So where do you meet people? Work.. well considering I work in the basement and really not around people, chances there are slim to none.. and then well thats about it. So I did it. I went where other single people go and in this time of age, the only place that people seem to go now, online. Yes I said it. Online. 

Now, you are asked to describe yourself in at least 200 words and then answer a whole bunch of questions about you and what you want in your potential mate. And then you post your best pics and then wait. People can look you up and then based on what they see, they can like you, wink at you, or favorite you, or send you an email. And then every day in your email they send you these profiles of people that seem to match what you are looking for. Or you can search on your own and do what you want. Now I haven't dug way too deep into it. But I have met a couple of people. One has become a great friend and the other has become a friend as well. So even if I don't know if I have met the one, I have at least 2 new friends in my life. And I still talk to them almost every day. 

And its not like I have everything good going for me. I am a single mom. I have been married twice and I live with my parents. Now I know the reason behind these and once I tell people, it doesn't sound do bad but on the outside, it doesn't look so grand. I mean Im only 32. But I have faith. I don't believe that my life is over. 

So as I explore the world the dating, I have no clue whats ahead of me. All I know is that, like in my previous post, God has a plan. And even though I can't see it and I have no clue when it will show, I know its out there for me. I just have to be patient and believe that God has everything in his hands. If its meant to be, it will be. Theres really no forcing anything. And thats my problem. Its like when you see all of these people, or couples, and you get jealous. Its like, what did I do to deserve to be alone? I have done everything right. Im not the one who cheated or flipped out. Im the one who fought. Im the one who has been trying to do everything right. And Im the one who feel likes karma has flipped on. So when is it going to be my turn? When do I get my chance at happiness? I guess thats what is so frustrating. But life goes on. I have a good job. A family and a wonderful son who is the light of my life.

So as I dig into this world of " dating " we will see where this takes me. And hopefully my blog will become more a happy world than a I complain all the time lol.

Turkey Time!

Awww.. its the time of year where we eat, nap, watch football and then repeat. And depending on the size of your family, you may repeat this several times. Its also a time, that if you happen to live in the house where Thanksgiving is being held, you may hear grumbling, complaining and experience mood swings of the person that is cooking right up until the door bell rings. Then all of a sudden, everything is good and dandy. ( Not from personal experience, but fixing the meal can be a very stressful thing, and Im sure this has happened ) I have never had to cook because we always go to other family's houses. Which Im grateful for. But to be truthful, I really cant wait to have my own family again and actually cook the supper and have people over. Cooking for me is sort of a destressor. Now granted, I turn on my music and do better when its just me and nobody else but is my way of winding down if Im really stressed out about something. 
Looking back this year, well, lets face it, its been a crappy year for me all in all. However, my goal is to take something positive out of each bad situation. If you continue to dwell on the bad of everything, then you arent going to be thankful but in bad there is a good. You just have to find it. Its like that for anything and anyone. So for me this year, I spent many MANY days in the hospital, almost died again, had my kidney removed, had to move in with my parents and went through a divorce. Most people dont experience all of this in a span of 5 year much less than 1 year, or in my case, sort of months. And some people dont experience this at all. But I did and it all was pretty much bad but like I said Im trying to find the good in all of it. So here it goes:

Going through my second divorce was horrible. It was an unseen event that I never saw coming which made it worse. And it has taken a me a while to get over the whole shock of it all but Im finally to the point to where I can say the past is in the past and I cant relive that over and over again in my head because it just tears you up. You cant go back and undo anything but you can move forward and try to make peace with the person and the situation. It is much easier when something ends and its a mutual decision and you know why but in this case, that was not what happened. Its not my job to try and decipher it anymore. I can learn from it and grow from it and thats exactly what I am trying to do. This led me believe I love again and trust again and thats what I needed. And thats what I gained from this relationship. But something else, unexpected, came out of this and that was I met someone who had become part of my life now and even though, boyfriend/girlfriend, it didnt work out, he has become one of my best friends and I am very grateful for him. I can rely on him and he is this amazing guy who I coulndt imagine not having in my life. So from shutting one person out of my life, led me to meeting him and even though I have been through some medical crap these last couple of months, he has been there with me through most of it. I couldnt ask for a better friend. 

Having PICC lines after PICC lines and infections after infections, is well besides painful. very annoying. The hospital was my home for a long time. I became immune to most of the antibiotics I was on and finally deciding that my infections were coming from left kidney, we finally decided it was time to take it out. Now, my right one is not fully working and was only receiving 1/3 of the blood flow so we knew before we would be taking chances, but it finally came down to either risking my life and having nothing to fight another bad infection with, or just face the possibility of dialysis down the road. 2 years ago, my infectious doctor wanted to do this but it was ruled out given the function of that right kidney, but this time I was sick and tired of everything so we just took it out. When I left that hospital, I had never felt better. It seemed, at the time, that that is exactly what needed to happen. (We will just leave my infection now as a minor hiccup) Now through all of this, I got a wonderful job. I actually was able to use some of my degree as well. The people are great as well as the company. And I actually can say I am really happy there. Throughout all my sickness, they never once though of letting me go and I still have this job. I told them over and over again how grateful I was to them for this. Im just glad that there are still people out there who look at the quality of work you have done and take that in when you have to be out so much. I have worked my butt of for them but I dont mind it all. So Im sort of glad that other job didnt work out because I am so much happier here. So I guess getting so sick was a good thing because it made the doctors realize that I did need the kidney out. I was tired of playing roulette with my life and the right decision was made. I just wish we could have done it sooner. But if we had, again, I wouldnt have got this job that I had. Its funny how life works out sometimes...

I knew after the divorce and I got sick, that moving in with my parents was the only thing I could do. If I had been working, I could have gotten my own place but when you no income coming in, it sort of like, I had no choice. Im thankful that they live where I do so it was just basically moving across town. I couldnt imagine living in another state or city far away and this happening. But they were able to help while I was recovering and they helped with Drew. So even though right when I got home from surgery I wasnt able do much, I could still see my son. Now I have to admit, after you have been out of the house for a long while, you tend to get into your own routine. And so do they. So when you have to try and combine two totally different routines, it becomes stressful. In fact. my sister told me her Christmas present to me was for me not to buy anything for them so I could save my money so I could get out before we killed each other. =) And when Drew is here, it gets worse. Just because I let him do things and its get on my parents nerves and well... its just like I cant get out of here fast enough. I love them to death. I love that they let me live here. I love that they help with Drew when Im not feeling well. I love the fact that they help me even when I dont ask. And at times, yes, Im running for the door just to get out for a while but Im very grateful for their help and love during all of this. And I love the fact that I can still depend on them for anything. I have met some people who cant say that about their parents and it makes me appreciate mine even more. But you can bet as soon as I have the money saved up, Im out.=)

So those are the positives that I am trying to stay focused on. Of course Im thankful for more things such as family and friends but when I look back at the bad and stay focused on the good in them, it makes me even more grateful.

I hope you and your family have a very Happy Thanksgiving!  

Glorious Unfolding

As I have wrestled over how to even start this blog, its been even harder to think about how exactly to put into words what I wanted to write. Its sort of funny how God works sometimes. When he cant place the right people in my life to say what I need to say, he makes sure certain songs are on when I get in the car. There have 2 in particular that have just rocked my world this past week. One being by Steven Curtis Chapman called " Glorious Unfolding " and the other one by Among the Thirsty called " Completely" I believe you have to do the second song before the first one, but if you listen to them, you will get what I am saying.

My run of luck here lately, has been, well just that, luck. And its been bad luck. Seems like every time my life seems to be doing better, something comes and knocks me down. These past couple of weeks have been hard, especially these past couple of days. If you read my Facebook posts, which Im pretty sure if you are reading this, you have read them, you know what Im talking about. Im not going into details but all Im going to say is that I finally realized I asked God for a sign and I got it. And I got it clearly. He could have gone little but it was a huge sign. I prayed for it and got it. And I will leave that at that. And so yes. once again, I was knocked down. This is where me being strong is supposed to kick in right? I mean isnt that that my other posts are about? And thats the compliment I get the most is how strong I am. I really have no choice. I have a son who I want to look up to his mommy and see what she has gone through and how I came out the other end. I dont know what my future holds. I cant control it. But when you completely surrender to him, he will unfold your story no matter what. Thats what these 2 songs have said to me. 

Im 32 and yes been married and divorced twice. But I know Gods not done. There is another story out there for me and I just have to wait for him to unfold it for me and I will finally see it. I think that is true for everyone. I know I am not the only out there who has lost hope in life. Or that thinks that there life is worth nothing. But its not true. God has a plan for everyone and as long as we look to him and let him do what he wants and needs to do with us, then it will be a glorious unfolding. And I cannot wait until that day. 

So for all of you who are struggling or thinking you are just done, you arent. God certainly isnt done with you. So just let it be. Give your all to God and let him show him your future. I know I cant wait to see my unfolding. 

Trying

Its a simple word. Its one word. Its a word we use often but in what context do we actually use and it and mean it? As a a faithful Greys Anatomy watcher, this weeks episode sort of prompted me to to write about this. Usually it takes something like that to get my mind going and sure enough it did. But it led me down so many roads, I wasnt sure and really am still not really sure on which path I am going to follow to make this blog post make sense. Then I thought about a conversation I had with a friend the other night. And the word took on a completely different meaning. 

As kids, we try a lot. And as parents we force our kids to try a lot. Whether its new food, to behave, pay attention.. we are pushing that word down their throats on a daily basis. Now Im not saying its a bad thing because as we all now, if we dont try new things, we will never know if we like them or not. But I started to think about how that word takes on a whole different meaning as we start to grow up, especially in our adulthood. If we no longer have people telling us to try new things, what are we telling ourselves to try and do?

Do we challenge ourselves to try and do new things? Do we venture out of our comfort zones to try something different? Or do we just sit back and wait for someone else to do it for us or even ask us to do it. And even then, are we just as hesitant now as we may have been when we were kids? 

So this brings to me to an even deeper question. Do we not try, or try too hard? Back to my friend. I respect her in every single way just because she refuses to give in. Shes had it pretty rough when it comes to relationships and while most women would try and stick around to make it work, she gets out. And she should. But she has the guts to do it and wont settle. Where as, most of us, including me would settle it meant it was the easy way out. In her case, trying is not an option because she has a heart of steel and follows her gut to the tee. She knows when something is not right and she gets out. Shes a very smart woman and someone all women wish they could be. I guess my point is, do we get ourselves into situations into where, whether right or wrong, we try our dang hardest to make it right for us, for another person or for the situation just so we can walk away happy. 

Do we get so content with trying to make our lives shape out the way we want them to be that we are willing to try and do anything to make that work.. even though, in the end, its all for the wrong reason. Are we trying in the wrong form or fashion? And why do we? If we know the ending is going to be same, why do we try and prolong the situation? Most of the time, its to avoid something. If we can get one more day then good we got it made. But then that day comes and goes and we are faced with it again, so we try again. Maybe this time, other tactics. After all, we were taught to try new things right? 

Just like my hike today. Im an idiot to think I could do that and not pay for it with all sorts of pain later. But I tried it anyhow and pushed myself to the limit. I made it and it was gorgeous and Im glad I did it. And everytime Eric asked if were okay, of course I said yes. I have mastered the face of Im fine. Although I think hes beginning to learn that fake face lol. 

My point is, that trying is okay to a point. But you shouldnt try to prolong things if they are only going to hurt you in the end. Its okay to try it and admit defeat. Thats what comes along with adulthood. If  I could throw out a personal situation, I would but so far all my tries are turning out for the best. So to my friend, heres to you for trying when you need to but knowing when to turn away. I love you to death and someday, maybe you wont have to try at all!

Dang you Nicholas Sparks

This sort of goes hand in hand with a previous posts called " Are Girls Brainwashed " As we were trying to figure out on a movie to go and see the other night ( went and saw Gone Girl, in which I had read almost all of the book and was psycho ) we were almost headed to see The Best of Me. Now I would have chosen the latter one but I was trying to be nice and not hit Eric over the head with another chick flick. I havent read the book but I know what happens and I knew I would be a crying blubbering mess. And I also knew it would be just another Nicholas Sparks approach into getting girls to believe in this deep love that existed in some point of time. Now guys, Im not blaming you but I do think you could learn something from him. He may go overboard with the I love you scenes but they are girls novels and its nice to be taken somewhere nice every now and then and pretend you are the that girl who is being loved so truly and deeply. I dont go back and compare everything to my past because well we just dont. However I do like to be taken away now and then to the place where these couples are. To feel what they do and however not all of their experiences are great, some of those scenes in this movies just make you melt.
It also does you make you earn for that one guy. That one guy to love you truly and that deeply. A kind of love where sometimes no words need to be spoken but just the look alone. tells you what the other one is thinking. Ive seen it. I can even say Ive experienced it. But I dont want it to be just a once upon a time thing, I want it to be a forever thing. Now given my track record, I blame Sparks for putting all these thoughts in my mind. That one day, I too, will find and experience that. I know people say it takes time to find that certain someone. But I think sometimes people just know. Now dont get ahead of yourself... Im not about to place someone name here and freak out everyone who reads this but Im just saying. Its nice to know that one day I will experience that. It may not be of Sparks words or scenes from the movies but its my love story. Everyone has their own and Im learning that it may be not be a classic fairy tale happily every after, every couple has their own fairy tale love story. And, without passing judgement, or thinking Im getting way too far ahead of myself. I like to think, whether it lasts or not, every love story is a story. And its our own. And however it started or ends or what happens in the middle, it has every concept of a story. And although mine has just begun, I still consider it my love story and although I cant see the middle or ending, its just fun adding a sentence or chapter to it every day. And I know there will be conflicts and make ups but thats what makes up a story. To each our own. And Im living mine out=)

An overdue blogpost.....

So my charger is still kaput and thats why the blog posts have been coming slower and slower. There is so much that has changed since my last post that I cant even remember what I posted last time. But I can assure you that the last post, I had 2 kidneys, in now which I only have 1. After some thinking and another annoying infection, it was time to get it out. So on Oct 6, out it came. In all of its glory. It was inflammed and was well quite ugly. And oh did I mention the day before, I had to move out of my house into my parents while I am on leave and off work. But I can assure you as soon as I get well and back to to work and back with money, Im looking for a place.
Yes I am still with the same guy. I wish in a way, we could fast forward our relationship or have this had happened way into our relationship so maybe getting a place together would seem not such a bad idea. To be prefectly honest, I dont know what or where I am going to be in 6 months, but I would hope, still with Eric, and a house or a townhouse and the same job. I say the same job just because I really like it. Lets just say what it is, My happily ever after went out the door years ago. Every little girls perfect dream life isnt mine anymore. It just had to have some tweaking done to it. And it is still well in the works. I dont know what my happily ever after is anymore. All I know is I hope it includes some of whats going on on now and the people in it. Its funny how your whole perspective can change after such a dramatic change in your life. I just want it balanced and normal for once. Now that I think my health is getting that way, its just the other things that God has to put in place for me.
So Eric. I try to keep some things to myself and out of the public eye just until Im sure. I would hate to post something and then have it all untrue by the next post. So from my view, he was very unexpected. I mean, I thought I would date here and there but I never thought I would fall for someone, just that one person, so quick. But it wasnt like I could help it. I would say he even tried to push me away and I think in a way we both just knew it wasnt going to stay that way. For once, I wasnt going to back down from something I liked having in my life. I had learned at that point that life was too short and I liked having him around, so why not fight for it. Well I guess fate gave in, because well 3 months later, hes still around. And I like having him around. My parents seem to like him and Drew as well. So I guess that passes the test. The one thing I have learned is that we are totally different people.I am so outwards with my feelings and he is not. However we have come to some sort of equal so its working. And I guess we will leave it at that. He is not from here so I havent the chance of meeting the rest of his family ( only his brother ) I am looking forward to it. A bit nervous I have to say but I guess as long as I am myself, they can either like me or not like me. Of course, Im going with the I hope they like me because I really like Eric. And if anything I hope they see that I have only the best interest at heart when it comes to him, I have been hurt so bad in the past that doing something to hurt him, I would never do. And I think its the same with him. He honestly, has become someone I can talk to about anything and thats what I look for in a person. He knows about my past and passes no judgement and thats important to me. He likes me for me and not for what descriptions may be floating above my head.. There are so many ways to describe me that I have given up. All I know is what I have overcome and what God has put me through to get me to this point. I am happy again.
I am finding who I was before. And Im not letting someone or some guy define that.
So who knows where this blog will be in 6 months. All I know is for right now, at this very moment. I am one happy girl. And I have a lot to be thankful for. =)

T minus 2 days with my kidney

Yup, its almost go time. Monday morning starts my journey without a kidney. And the closer it gets, the more scared I become. I was relieved at first just because of all my dealings with the constant stones and infections and emergency rooms visits and missing work and missing life in general. But then the closer it gets, all of the bad things that could go wrong come floating in my head. I know this this is the same way with every surgery and I know its a very general surgery now but when its being done to you, it almost feels like you are the only one on the planet that has gone through these struggles and the only one that is having this done. Its like you have been singled out out of everyone else to have this happen to.
Then on top of this, I have to be out of the house by Sunday. So instead of having a nice relaxing weekend of resting or just being out and about and enjoying the time I wont be in pain, is being spent packing up boxes and trying to get stuff moved to my parents and a storage building. Luckily I have help ( and hes cute by the way lol ) but its just way too much. So yes I have known this date for a while but I guess I have been putting it off thinking something would happen and give me some extra time to at least get well after my surgery then have to worry about it. But not in my world will that ever exist. In my world it pours and floods all at once. Always has and something tells me it always will.
However in the midst of all this craziness is this guy. If you read my previous post,  ( if you havent, you need too ) you will see what Im talking about. Well everything is still going really well. And that even scares me. I mean, have I actually done something right? Is this actually going to turn out to be good and actually last? I hate to say it but so far so good. For someone to know my past and not judge me for anything and know where Im coming from and what I have been through and still want to be with me just amazes me still. And I actually love him for that. We have both been burned in the past so we understand that in each other. And it seems like everyday, we learn something else we have in common or at least things we learn from each other. He has taught me things about myself and I think, in return, have helped him. And coming from a person who always wondered and cared about what other people thought about her, thats a lot. Because I know everyone has their own opinion about this relationship and to be honest, for the first time in my life, and I truly mean the first time, I dont care. Whether people think Im moving too fast ( which Im not ) or whatever, I know what I feel and I know where I stand, I am not about to myself in a situation in which I think Im gonna be hurt right away or vise versa. I would never do that to him either. He knows where I stand. I know where he stands and thats what matters.So as far as Im concerned, Im happy. And my family and faith and God and him are keeping me that way. And I know this weekend will be rough but thats when I am really blessed to have certain people in my life to keep me sane. And for those of you have said a prayer or a thought keep them going... Im gonna need them!