Music Part 2....

As I am sitting here watching Thursday Night Football... I totally forgot I didn't finish my post from the other night. I knew what and how I wanted to finish it but my energy was totally wiped. Yes wiped enough for me to finish my post=) 

Anyways.,, wo we have the music from the happier times of my life. The most important one was.. what is me and Ramon's song? When you start dating someone not in high school or college.. you dont have that first dance and its harder to find that song. Even when my ex and I were dating, we picked our song by saying the next " love " song we hear will be our song and thats how that one was picked. ( And yes I bypass that song every time it comes on... come on, do you blame me ) Anyhow, one of my good friends was trying to pick a song for her and husband to dance their first dance to at their wedding ( thats the other thing, when you get married in Vegas, we didnt have a first dance, so again, didnt have  a song there either ) and she played one called " Speechless " by Rushlow. I fell in love with it. So I sorda declared that our song. I love it because its unknown. Not a lot of people know it, so it make it more special. Im sure as the years go by, we will have a moment with another song and that one will probably take its place, but until then I will stick with this one=)

Did you ever have a breakup and you flooded yourself with sad songs just to make you cry? Yup. I did too. MY favorite go to song was " Im Not Supposed to Love You Anymore " by Bryan White. I would play it over and over again until my sister would come in and tell me to stop it or steal the cd from me. I wont name names but that was probably the one breakup that sticks out in my head from high school and so that song does too. Every time I hear that song, I am taken back to my room and all of the memories. My memory is horrible but give me a song and I can learn it in 5 minutes and still know it 5 years later. Its sad I know. Im sure every one has that one song though. Its funny how a song can flood your head with good or bad memories. I hear them now and think of middle school dances. Or old choir trips. I still cant listen to " Carry Your Candle " without thinking of our choir trip. 

I still laugh to this day because I think the only reason I got an A in Social Studies in 4th grade was because my teacher allowed me to sing the states and capitals. LOL.... so as you read this and finish, think about a good song with a good memory=) Share it! I love to hear the stories.. And Smile.. Music may be a bigger part of your life than you think. It is most definitely mine=) Until next time...

Music is my Life

As I sit here and watch the finale of So You Think You Can Dance, the song " Unchained Melody" came on. It got me to remember, I have never seen that movie. Along with a lot of other classic movies.. but thats really not the point to my blog tonight... ( although we dont want to get on the list of movies I havent seen, because you will flip.. I mean really flip! )
My point is no matter if music is a part of your life or not, you will always have music to remind you of important times in your life. Everyone knows music is my life. So everything important step in my life was set to music. From my first solo in church, all the way to the song that now belongs to Ramon and I. To the first song I wrote and sang in church. And the song I sang at the Pioneer Festival to win 100.00. I may not remember every song or solo but if I have a memory, I attach a song a long with it.
One of the most amazing memories I have is being in 5th grade. We were at Boones Creek Camp and we were sitting on logs that they had made into benches or more or less just logs, on top of a hill and the song was " Seek Ye First " the slower church version. And my heart jumped. I started singing and my signing turned into crying. I remember closing my eyes and and praying and looking up to the sky with my arms up saying God, is this what you want? You want me? I prayed that prayer right there. For him to come into my heart and for me to be saved. I was so lost in that song and that moment, that pure moment. I will NEVER forget that for as long I shall live. ( Not to mention that the night after when I met with our counselor to make it official, I was sitting on a toilet with frogs on it. And also during the baptism, I fell in the water before I was baptized. It was quite funny )
But its those moments. Such as when my son was born. It was Dec 11 and I of course had to have an emergency c-section. So they were playing Mixmas on in the OR. As soon as I get numb and the doctor goes to start. the song " I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" came on. And my doctor starts signing the song. I remember thinking, that doc is down there basically in me getting this baby out and he is really just not whistling or humming but singing this song. Good thing he knew he what he was doing! And guess what ornament we have on our tree? Yup a hippopotamus singing that song. It still cracks me up to that day but it takes me back to me on that table and hearing and seeing my boy for the very first time. So it doenst even have to be a moving song to make a memory for you. 
The next one was years later. It was 2008. I was going through a very tough divorce after being cheated on. Of course I turned to God and music. Natalie Grant had just released a song called "Held." As soon as I heard it, I couldnt stop crying. Our minister of music had asked me to sing a special during the morning worship service. I automatically knew the song I wanted to sing. See, every time I get a chance to sing and its my choice, it is def a song that I can put my emotion in and put my life experiences in. Thats what I want to portray to my audience and to God. To him goes all the glory. He is the one that gives me the passion and the talent to do this. Back to the song, the song basically says no matter what we go through, God has promised that we would be held. And thats what he was doing to me the whole time, he was holding me . After sining that song, I had so many people come up and compliment me but most of all they said they felt like that song was made for me. And I would just say, God did it, not me. Im glad I can use my talent to get through to people. That song will always get me when I hear it.
Music Part 2  Will Continue Tomorrow....until then=)

The Future

Sometimes I wish I could fast forward time a whole lot just to make sure we are going to be okay. I keep telling myself that. Ramon tells me. God tells me. My friends tell me. My family tells me. So I guess that makes it okay right? So why do I doubt? Is it because every night when I go to sleep I have tears in my eyes because I am not sure how I am going to make it to work. Or how our payments are going to be made on time? Or praying that or electric and water are still on when we get home. Or even down to what the crap can I make with a pound of hamburger that I don't have to buy anything else for? I guess it would make for a good Iron Chef sorta battle... lol.. your secret ingredient? HAMBURGER! Now use whatever you can find and make it into something edible. HA, Beth Anne.. pretty good idea=) And with all of this, I am still blaming everything on me and my sickness. I had to miss work again today. I have to miss it again next Monday because he is doing surgery. And then hopefully the light at the end of tunnel will start to break through. Maybe a little and I can see the end. Once again, I know God has this and hes working through us for some reason. I havent quite figured that out yet. Thats why I wish I could fast forward just a little to make sure I am still standing. I know I know... we will be okay. But my definition of okay and yours may differ a little. I think when you are thinking about what that word means is something different then when you are telling someone it is going to be okay. It is one of those phrases that everyone goes to. Such as it will be okay or you are going to fine. No offense, I know they mean well and I know I have used them a lot. But wouldnt it be weird if someone came up to you and said hey whats going on? And you tell them your story as much as you can. And they look at you and say , well Im not sure you are going to be just fine or be okay? Maybe that is the reason we would use the to go phrases so much. I would not know what to say to that. But part of me would be thankful I guess for being honest. So maybe I will just not think about it so much. Thats me.. I overthink everything. Ramon just gets tickled and tells me to be quiet. Hey, someone has to think about some things stupid or not stupid.
So what is up with me today? Well I had another dr appt. He is not pulling the sent however he is doing surgery next Monday to look up through a scope to check out the stricture and see where it is and then he is going to pull it. So another day of work being missed. I am so blessed that they have been so understanding. I love that job and all of the people I work with and for. But the 20 hours a week at min. wage SUX. I mean I cant live on this or we cant live on this. So thats what I need prayers for. A new job opportunity. A new something. Ramon to get promoted.. anything. I cant list off of everything. My prayers at night would be all night long. Luckily my God knows without me saying and that I do trust. Thanks everyone who reads this and gets me. I am going to get this keep going from day to day. Probably all about different things. But I write better than I talk. Words just seem to flow smoother from me when Im behind a computer or pen and paper. So until next time...

Complain much?

It seems like all I have done lately is complain. Really, I think I have whined about everything here lately.. if not to the public to myself at least. If its not one thing its the next. This whole being in the hospital being sick thing did not work well for me. In fact, if anything it has made our lives bad. Cutting my hours at work was the first tip of the iceburg. I was already worried because I was off of work for so long and even when I went back, I have had to miss because of doctors appts or just being sick. I am soo lucky and blessed to work in such a place that they are understanding and they treat me like Im me and not just an employee. I have had so many members email or come to me and be like we are so glad to see you and have you back. That does make me smile. You never know how much you are appreciated until something bad happens.  I try to make it a point in my day to day operation of life to tell someone thank you or just make them smile for once. For example, there is PA at my infectious doctors office who always comes to see me when Im there. She is probably one of the sweetest people I have ever met. She read over my chart and she said she cant believe Im still alive. And then week after week she would sneak again ahead of another PA just so she could see me and see how I was doing. After the grueling iv's trys today and the shot, she was standing there doing some work. I stopped by and said hi but told her how great I thought she was. She told me ever since she heard my story and met me, she has me on her prayer list and not a day goes by that she doesnt check on me. It gives me goosebumps just to think about it. She gave me a hug today and told me everything was going to be okay. It was just like she knew I was bother by stuff.. and me losing my PICC line was not helping anything. Its people like that I will always remember. 
Anyhow, back to me whining. My grandmother started writing down her earlier memories in a notepad. Basically starting at a really young age. I read it I think in about an hour or faster. It was so interesting but so heart wrenching at the same time. I love my nanny more than anything and some of the things she had to go through broke my heart. It really made me think some of the things I am so whiny about these days is nothing, I mean NOTHING compared to what they went through. Im not saying it is all bad but I should be thankful for what we have. I just want to kick myself sometimes for complaining about things when we all have it easy compared to some people these days. 
I do have to admit I have been through so many things that people my age shouldnt have experienced but I have. And I am still standing to talk about it. I mean being divorced and having to face death and Im only 30 are two pretty big things that some people never have to deal with. I dont know why God put me through any of it but slowly, day by day, I am learning. I wouldnt have Ramon or be this happy or know what love and marriage truly meant if I hadnt been cheated on. I wouldnt have started appreciating things the way I do if I hadnt been so sick. And yes it also has its drawbacks. I dont get to see my son 7 days a week. Money wise, we are struggling. Job wise, I hope I still have one in a month. But those are things that God can help us with. With the good comes the bad. These I just have to accept. This past week at church, we studied about Abraham. Faith. Thats what I have to have. Trust and know that he is taking care of everything and I have to stand on that promise day by day. Ramon has more faith than me at the moment. I am having the hardest time not blaming myself for all for this. I know that God will not leave my side but Ramon has promised me he isnt either. I know God gave me and Drew him for situations like this. He really will never know how thankful I am for him and how much I love him and appreciate him for everything. 
So as for my whining, I cant promise it will stop but I do have to have stand back and just know that God is on it. Hes got this. And until then, I have to have the faith that we will be okay. I am going to be okay. I am only 30 after all.... 

Well its a great day to be alive!

Now before you read there is one rule, if you a reading alone and I mean no other living this is around you, then you are dismissed from any of the future rules. But as for now, you shall read them in case that living thing happens to make an entrance.

If you are not alone and you are reading this to yourself, prepare to get some really strange looks from the people with you. And lastly, if you reading this out loud just have a secret contest in your head on who makes the strangest faces and who laughs when they shouldn’t. This will also help if you had my particular problem as I describe below. So this may altar the rules a tiny bit.  Im telling you people, if you will stick the game plan, everything will go smoothly.

            Lets start at the beginning. When I was 16, I was diagnosed with 2 kidney stones. (Now is where the rule starts, if you have had stones before, your frown face has started. Now frowns face yet? No kidney stones or you are just cold-hearted.. Ha-ha, I am only joking) they gave my pain meds and the next day, we drove in the snow and got them blasted. Yes they put on a big table (of course you are out of it) and they send shockwaves through the stones to break them up so they can pass easier. So then begins my adventure with stones. I will skip the rest. Only I am 30 now (I’m not old…. I’m not old… I’m not old…) and have had close to 60 now. Calcium buildup and I don’t pee as often. That’s the only thing we can come up with. Its pretty bad when you walk into an ER and they know who you are and I can tell the nurse exactly how to treat me, Then its on to the doctor to set up surgery to get them out. And then comes the word. The one word that I tremble everytime I hear it. Even getting ready to type it makes me gag…. The stent. The stent. Is a plastic tube that opens up the tube that goes from your bladder to your kidney so that any remaining segments can fall through without the patient feeling it? It hurts. Did I say it hurts? It hurts. Having it removed is even more fun. You are wide-awake while they put this cystoscope up, uhhh, you know where and clips and yank it out. (How many faces are people making now? How many people are looking at you? What is your spouse asking you at this moment) and then after some spasms…. You are back to normal UNLESS your name is Beth Anne. Then you get to go into septic shock and spend 9 days in the ICU and 3 in a regular room. You get to wear this fashionable PICC line to receive your meds in the morning. The good thing? Your energy is slowly getting back to normal, so you pretty much rely on everyone else to wait on you. LOL. I do feel bad but I have a wonderful support system.

            I had another surgery today to replace the stent on my left side, so another two weeks with that. I’m so darn allergic to everything that I can’t take any pills to fight whatever I had. All I know is it was BAD. My infectious doctor has nicknamed me Lazarus. (You know the man that Jesus raised from the dead) I had about 50 people lining up the waiting room waiting to say their goodbyes. (I asked 2 weeks later about this)

            So in all honestly, I feel humbled. I feel grateful. I feel alive. We had prayers being said for me all over the world. And believe me I could feel them. Those first days I was out, no I did not have an outer body experience. But even when visiting hours were over and there was nobody in there physically, I could feel something. There was no light, no angels, and no family members that had already passed. I explain it as a quiet yet peaceful time. I felt a presence. I was not alone and I liked those moments. They will be forever engraved in my head and my heart.

            I could tell you some funny stuff but for right now, we will leave it at that. The peaceful happy place.