Hug your kids=)

I know it has been a while but I just haven't felt much inspiration to write about anything. Until yesterday.. my son was born on December 11, 2007 and since then I dont know that I have got to spend half of those days with him. When you have shared custody, its almost like you flip flop holidays. I get him this year for this, and he get him the next year and so forth. Dont get me wrong, Im glad his real father is in his life. I dont know how much I appreciate the fact that his influence could be not the best, but I cant bother myself with that. Ramon and I try to hard to be the Christian influences in his life. We switch every other weekend, so the weekends he is with his father, Drew doesnt get the opportunity to go to church. This bothered me at first, but it really hit home when Drew said something about he missed going to church every Sunday and he wished his daddy would take him. It hit home hard. I knew we were doing everything, but is our everything enough when neither of us are around? I pray every day that Drew will grow up to be the man that I and God so long him to be. All I can do is keep praying that even though he is not with me 7 days a week, that our influence is strong enough to guide him even in other households. And that God is watching over him and that Drew knows that. ( Im not trying to make his dad sound like a bad person... dont take this the wrong way )
If you are lucky enough to have a family that is not split up, dont take it for granted. On those holidays especially. There is nothing like waking up on Christmas morning and watching your child run in the room with the presents and watching those eyes light up. There also is nothing like waking up in Christmas morning to a room full of presents and no child running through. We split that day up so I get him eventually and luckily this year, I get him Christmas morning. And those days that just want to walk out and need to take a breather, consider that a good thing. Geez, I dont have Drew all 7 days and I still have those days. But be thankful. There are some of us who dont have that pleasure, if you want to call it that. I dont get to spend as much time as I would like with him especially with work, school and other activities. But I am trying my best to the mother God wants me to be and do my best to make sure Drew knows that no matter the circumstance, I love him " to the moon and back. "
So love on your kids. Put down whatever you are doing when they ask you to play. Kiss them. And hug them. And let them see Gods love through you.

Its Turkey Day!

So I cannot go a holiday without writing something. So it is Thanksgiving. And I have way to much to be thankful for to list them all. Mostly this year, I am just thankful that for once Im healthy ( well getting there ) and beyond all medical reasons, I am going to be sitting at the table sharing good food and good times with some of the greatest people I know. 
Some of the greatest memories I have are from the holidays. And they bring a smile to my face. We used to have at the clubhouse in the park I grew up in because we had so many people. And while some arent with us anymore, the memories still last. And then we have some in other parts of the US that cant be with us but are there in our hearts. What I wouldnt give to have one huge Thanksgiving with every bit of my family from both sides. ( Even though I like the cold, I think my aunt and uncle could do great in Arizona having us all out there lol ) But they are celebrating in their own ways. And just thankful that we are all together in our memories and hearts. 
This Thanksgiving will probably be one of my hardest. Do you ever just look around and observe? And to think that my chair should have been empty gets me every time. But its not by the grace of God. While we wont have a HUGE family, its still family that I have ate with ever since I was born. I love traditions and I vow to not let this one change. The food alone is great but the company even better. And yes, we still have two tables. And yes even at 30, I still eat at the kids table. How else could we burn silverware and melt it into great little artsie stuff. LOL... I love my family and the memories we make each year. And even though we are missing some of them, we have a brand new addition to the table this year. And I have Drew. So they carry on. I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving and take the time to relish every bit of it because you never know when it may be your last. I didnt want this to be a long complicated blog but there are some things Im thankful for that I want to list. And I hope everyone has a great day!

My Thank You's

Ramon - For being the wonderful husband you are. You have been my absolute rock through everything and picked me up many times. You are the love of my life and I couldnt live a day without you. You have seen me through good and bad and still love me. I thank God each day for you for loving me and Drew. 

My Parents - Wow. You have seen me through more than anything parents should. But you have stood by my side through it all. Thank you for raising me in such a loving Christian home and showing the sort of love you have. You are the reason that I look up at God so much because I see him through the love you have not just for me but for our family. Words can never be enough. 

My sister - You are my absolute influence. You are a great sister, friend, wife, mother and most of all one of the most Godly women I know. When I was so sick, everyone said that I soon as I knew you were there, I got better. I hate that we are so far apart and even though we dont see each other a lot just know I love you and miss you so much. Just hearing your voice makes my day better and I couldnt ask for a better sister and friend in my life.

My grandparents - Even though two of my grandparents are passed away, they have always had an influence  on me.I wish I had more time with them but I cherish the time I did have. To my nanny and pa. I l love you both. I am so lucky to have you and be able to see you alot. Drew thinks the world of you all and I have loved watching him fall in love with you all. I cannot put in words how much your love means to me. I always remember when I got sick, I wanted you all there and even at 30, I still need you more than you know. You two show me Gods love every day and just know that I am forever thankful for everything you have ever done. I coudnt imagine a day without you in my life. 

My family - I have been so blessed to have such a wonderful loving family. Each of you mean so much to me. And even though we dont see each other as much, know that I love you and think of you all each day. Its amazing to me that God has blessed me with each one of you. Through some of my hardest times, I knew that I could pick up the phone or get in the car and you all would be there. Its that love that got me through. And even though I dont say it as much, thank you. 

Drew - You are almost 5 and mommy cant believe it! You will never know what a miracle you were to me. Starting out at 3lbs you were so small and so fragile. You have grown up in some unforuntate conditions but you are one of the strongest and caring boys I will ever know. You also will never know much how you saved me. I needed you more than anything and just hearing I love you mommy and your hugs and kisses make my day. And even at 1 month old, you made me believe in life and hope. I love you so much and just know that I am too thankful for you more than you ever will know. I see God through you as well and it makes me smile=) Dont ever lose that heart you have or even that attitude just because its so cute at times. And live your life to fullest knowing that I have your back no matter what.

My friends - Old and new. Yours all love and thoughts and prayers have surrounded me through good and bad times. I love that even though we dont talk each day, I can pick up the phone and there you are. God has put some amazing influences in my life and you all are to be included. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone=) 

What If...

A couple of weeks ago, there was a question asked amongst our small group. It went something like .. If I would have never ________ then I would have never ___________. ( Something close to that ) I wont share my answer for that night but it was based on the lines of I am glad to be at the church I am at =) But it got me to thinking lately, about the what if's in our lifes? And why are we so concentrated on them? How many people get up each morning and say what if I would done this? Or what if I would have done it that way? Even spanning back to years and years ago in their lives. Im guilty as charged but its something I have been working on. Yes I can go back and say I wish I would have done it this way then I wouldnt have experienced what I did and my life would have turned out much better. But would it have? Since I didnt take that path, there is no way of telling if it would have worked out the way it did in my head.
I will give you a prime example. Ever since I was in Kindergarten I wanted to be a " weather girl " ( Its 7am and I dont feel like spelling that out lol ) I didnt want to be on the camera but I wanted to be behind the scenes studying it. Why things happen when they do. Especially storms and tornadoes. ( One day I will go on a chase.. my ultimate dream!! ) I had this dream up until high school, literally. Then along comes high school love and it sets you back. Now on my senior year, I had to figure out whether I wanted to go to Oklahoma and get my degree in Meteorology ( yay I think I spelled it right ) or stay here where my " love " was and be with him. Well you know my decision. I stayed here and worked and got my degree from EKU in Public Relations. At that points, my life was going in a good direction so I didnt regret my decision.
I dont think you ever regret the decision you make until something goes bad. And then you think, oh crap, what have I done? After graduation, building a beautiful house and becoming pregnant, I thought I had it all. And the thoughts on leaving KY after high school never even crossed my mind until that dreadful day of when I found out about my husband then. ( Wont go into details, see previous blogs... ) So during the divorce, thats when they what if's hit in and hit in hard. What if I would have went to Oklahoma? Then this wouldnt have happened. ( In my mind, it wouldnt have ) What if I would have been a better wife or kept the house cleaner or did more to prove I loved him? I mean the questions would beat down so hard on me that I would lose sleep. And for about a year, thats how I lived. Going back in my years past and thinking about what if I would have done it? And then it clicked. God knew what he was doing when he sent me down this path. It didnt really click though until I was spending time with Drew. Knowing that he wouldnt have been there if I would have done the what ifs earlier. Then I met my husband. I would have never know the sort of love he shows me every day and the real and true meaning of marriage. God knew exactly why he sent me down this road. I just didnt want to see it in his way. And even today I can go back and do the what ifs. But I really try not to. There is a reason we dont do them. God plans it. He knows what is best for us and in his time, not ours. he shows us. So as I struggle here and there I keep that in mind. I am not the one steering my life. I am here to serve God and to use his talents. And to live my life the way he wants me to. And thats what I strive to do every day. Its not perfect but who is?
So when the what ifs hit you., think about the good things that God has gave you out of them. He has given me plenty and I cant say I dont have regrets because I do,  ( thats a whole nother blog ) but out of the regrets and the what ifs I have grown into a strong woman who can face anything. Thanks God=) You truly are amazing=)

Thankful...

With everything I have went through you would think " Thankful" would be the last title for this blog. People this time of year always posts what they are thankful for. And while I have not participated this year, does not mean I am not thankful for anything but I think I am just to thankful for everything. God, family, friends and life itself. When you start getting into specifics it would take more than a month for me to write them all down. To be honest , except for the last week when I was hooked up in the hospital , I have sat down at this computer trying to think what to write about. And this morning, I guess I will take a shot.
God has given me a lot of hills and mountains to get over the last couple of months. But in return, he has given me the strength and resources to get through them. It is like they say, God will never give you more than you can handle. He has also provided me with a church and a loving small group and a wonderful music minister who has given me the chance to share my talents with the church. This has been a blessing in itself. Its so great to know that these people are praying for you and are there for you whenever you need them. He has given me family. A wonderful and supportive husband and parents who have been there from day 1. I am so blessed to have such wonderful parents who love me unconditionally and show me everyday. My son who just a hug and I love you mommy lights up my world. And grandparents who would do anything to take this pain away from me.
You would think with all of this that going through the miscarriage and the hospital stay that I would be good as new. But Im not. Im so emotionally wrecked that I just want to crawl up somewhere and stay. And I know that is when I need God and everyone the  most. But no matter the amount of hugs or thoughts sometimes I think you just need time to heal. I think I have let myself cover everything up that I havent given myself time for that. So as I pour myself into getting my house back into order, if I cry, I cry. If I just want to go be by myself in the back, I will. But most of all, my quiet time with God is growing and I start on yet another adventure back to normal, if there is such a thing, I just have to remember to breathe and to love God and my life. And to be thankful=)

Prayer...

For some reason, praying has been on my mind heavily lately. I know it is something that should be on your mind but it has really hit home for me the last couple of weeks. When you " google " the word prayer.. all of this stuff comes up. I was trying to find a definition to put on here but I just wasnt satisfied. Its so long and complicated. To me prayer is simply talking to God. Something, Im sure, all of us could more of. Im guilty as charged because it something in my life that I definitely need and want to work on. With everything that has went on in the last few months and now being pregnant, I think I should.
My point is though, we shouldnt just pray in the hard times or when we or someone else needs something. We should praise him when our life seems to be doing okay. But for me, its just like when something else goes bad, I start praying. And on the days everything seems to be going good, I hardly even mutter a thank you. I should praise him everyday for just bringing me through what he did but then again I should pray every day. Once again, it shouldnt have taken something like that to make me want to pray.
Prayers are powerful and I will fight with anyone who tells me they arent. I wonder, on that first night I was in the hospital, how many prayers were being said. And not even on that first night but the whole time. Withou my faith and their prayers, I honestly dont know if I would even be sitting here right now. Prayers do work. For both the good and the bad. I tend to forget the feeling I get after I get done talking with God. If I am asking for strength, its just like this calmness comes over me and I know it is him with me.
The other thing I was thinking about was how many times do we tell someone we will pray for them and then we just brush it off? It seems to be common answer to anyone who is going through something tough. Whether we say it to them or their family or write in a card, its always like " My thoughts and prayers are with you during this time " Im guilty as the next person but I like to think that when I tell someone that, the least I can do is do it. I mean all of these people prayed for me so I know it works. I never doubted it but until you actually experience it, it doesnt really hit home.
Let me explain myself... I pray. I pray almost every day. I pray for me, my family, my friends and our country ( especially with the election coming up ) Prayer works in all different ways. I remember going through my divorce and feeling completely alone and just talking to God and I could almost feel his hand on me assuring me it was going to be okay. The same with everything else I have went through. Its THOSE times when I was like, wow.... you really are there. This may be coming out wrong but the best way I can explain it is.. I know God is with us each and every day through the good AND the bad. And I hate that it takes some people bad times to realize that praying is really important and a great way to build you relationship with God. But just like people say that they live one day a time and live like they are dying because they have almost died, prayer sort of goes that way. But it shouldnt be like that. We all should live each and every day to our fullest and talk to God and praise him for what he has done in our lives. And even if you have lived a perfect life, God has provided that for you. You wouldnt take something good from a stranger without telling them thank you would you?
Each day we live is a gift from God. We should use the gifts he has provided for us and thank him every day for what he did for us. He gave his only son. Sometimes saying thank you just doesnt seem like enough.

BoO!!!!

I never understood the point to Halloween movies... all they ever did for me was not so much give me nightmares but made me scared to even leave the bed I was in or the couch I was on. I can remember many nights running from the couch to my bed and covering my head in quilt just so I could get to sleep. I am a chicken when it comes to stuff like that, I will admit it.
I really just dont like the unexpected. Give me a movie of nothing but gore and I can handle it but give me a movie where people jump out all of the time and I lose it. I always joked and said someone could make a movie, with nothing but ordinary people, like you and me, in plain clothes and just have them jumping out behind things and I would scream. I guarantee you I would have a hard time getting out of my bed in the middle of the night without looking around and swearing I hear things in the house. Too bad my bladder makes me get up at the moment!
I think I am just too analytical when it comes to some of these movies. People always told me that you should be scared of the ones that could really happen and not the ones that are stupid but indeed scare me the most of all. You cant tell me that  doll running around with a kitchen knife and kills people isnt going to scare you. The first time I even saw a scene from that was when I was little. It was sort of by accident. All of those shows come on around Halloween and I think I must have been flipping channels and there was it. And I actually remember having a conversation with my Kid Sister doll at the time. ( At this point, I did not know that the Chucky doll was based off the My Buddy doll, who I am guessing was Kid Sisters brother) I remember picking her up and telling her how much I loved playing with her but if she was going to kill me or anyone else, I would not be like that little kid. I would not continue to be her friend and I would have to do away with her. I dont think I ever played with her again after that night. And to come think about it. that may have given a doll reason to come to life... ooh Im glad I wasnt that smart back then!
And while we are on the stupidness of movies, why do people when getting chased always go to the one part of the house they cant escape. If I saw someone coming at me, my butt would be out that door and gone! I dont think I would go upstairs or into a closet or in a bathroom or downstairs where I couldnt get out. Thats what I mean by being too analytical. I just scream at the people for not thinking about it before they start to run. No matter where you hide, they are going to find you. And they are not going to have sympathy on you. They will kill you. So while you are sitting in that closet or bathroom waiting and praying not to be found, I am yelling at you through the screen. If you would have listened to me in the first place, you may be alive long enough to make at least 7 more sequels to the move you are in. I was watching the end of one of the Halloweens the other night ( yes like 5 minutes of it and I still freaked out trying to go to bed ) and the little girl hid in the attic in a coffin. Really? I guess you knew you were going to die so you go one and put yourself in a coffin? Geez people..
But I guess when it comes to the ultimate scary movie for me it has to be " It. " Why I have watched this, I will never know. I dont even know how I made it though it. Its a known fact that my sister and I are scared of clowns. This was waaay before I saw this movie. ( I dont even like Ronald McDonald! ) I remember not being able to ride my book past a storm drain and not go the other side of the road so his face wouldnt pop up with a balloon. And I couldnt look down the sink drain because I was afraid a balloon would pop up and burst with blood going everywhere. That move did it for me. Although the ending was pretty dumb, I cant watch even a minute of it to this day. I can take most Stephen King movies because a lot of them , now , are just dumb ( although Im pretty sure back then was creepy ).
So I hope everyone enjoys their Halloween and if you are into scary movies, then this is definitely your time of year! Happy Halloween everybody!