Things that cease to amaze me

If I made this into a list it would go on and on for a while. So as you can tell this is not going to be a "sad" post but rather a " what the crap?!??!" list. You know I will never understand why Ramon did what he did. And I will never get that answer. Its funny that every time I tell someone, the first thing they say is he cheated. Now I don't want to assume anything but when you don't get a response it sort of leaves you to make up your own mind.
And it also ceases to amaze me how he can go from loving me to hating me within one day. I am trying so hard to ignore his familiy's threats, his " going off and telling his lawyer " everything and the fact that he couldn't even look me in the eye last week. Something has had to happen and I think as a wife I deserve to know. Otherwise Im gonna come up with my own reason and Im sure it would be totally different than the real reason but I will never know. So at this point, Im trying to forgive whatever he has done and forget at the same time. I am not going to let this ruin my life. I just want this to be over and done. And really at this point, I could care less what he and his family think. They never liked me anyways so now this just gives them more opportunity to make my life miserable.
What husband would do that? Even if you didn't want to be married anymore.. isn't there something inside of him that says, hey I still care enough to talk to her and tell my family to back down. But no. So now instead of crying because Im sad, Im crying because Im so angry that the man I was in love with and unfortunately still am, is watching me have these people threaten me and is okay with me being so miserable over all of this. He doenst care. What happened to the man Im married? The man who was crazy over me for years before  we even got back together? What happened? And I cant ask him because I get no answer and if I try to contact him then it goes against me.
I don't want to hate him. And it has taken prayer and reading the Bible to get me through this. All I can do is bury my thoughts into God and know he can handle this. It so unfair though. To think that he is sitting there laughing and reading this and feeling happy that I am still sort of sad, frightens me. It scares me for him. Because that is NOT him. It scares me for the man he has become. He was such a wonderful man. And now, he's not. I don't know why he's so scared to talked to me. I don't know anything anymore. All I know is Im not gonna let him and this define me.
So this was my rant. Hopefully it will be  my last!

Dont ______ right after _______

So the correct answer? Don't cut your hair right after something dramatic happens.

But I did.

I cut my hair. Did you ever hear that saying? Like don't do something major right when you are mad or sad or something... however I wold have done it anyhow. 

So one more day passes by and works still great. Got a lot of compliments today on how good I am doing and Im actually getting use of my college degree for once. And even though I don't have a degree in HR, Im gonna be involved in that as well in the coming weeks. So things are looking up ( besides the fact that I have still yet found the perfect place to park ) I parked in the employee lot for the first time and rode the shuttle over which dropped me off at the employee entrance. Which thankfully I stumbled and found my way to my department. As long as I can get to the basement I think Im good. ( Although I did get turned around trying to find the restroom today, which I ask myself. this is my 4th day and I am just now asking where the restrooms are? Hmm ) The people are great and I know, I know this is only my 4th day. The only complaint so far is getting used to using 2 monitors! 

As far as the other deal.. yep, pretty much still trying to get over that.. Part of me wants it over and now parts of me wants it put back together. I guess I am in that transitioning stage. Where Im not sure really what I want. I mean if he walked back through that door right now and asked if we could start over like almost dating again... I would without hesitation. So I don't know where I am exactly. However, I think Im finally making steps forward, baby like, really little baby steps but at least they are in the right direction right? I still want to find out what I did. I still want to talk to him but I have to just let it go. ( Temporary break for a " Frozen " moment ) The one thing that is still eating at me is he didn't even try. There were no chances because he didn't give it one chance. And if he did, he sure didn't let me know. Theres a song that Steven Curtis Chapman sings from ages ago called " Love and Learn " Now Im not gonna quote it but I will say I can't listen to it right now without crying my eyes out. Theres also a song out right now called " Restore ". Both focus on marriages and being Christ centered. I wanted a chance to get that back. But it was like someone flipped a switch in him and now hes, well I don't what he is because he's cut off all contact with me. But each and every day its getting better. I can laugh now and I can smile and not fake it. 

I don't know if he reads these. I doubt it. But he has to know this. That I love him. I wish he could figure out whatever he needs to figure out and make it right with me. Im not going anywhere at the moment. 

thanks guys=) 

Did I Go Too Far?

Did I go too far with  my emotions in the last 2 blogs? Was that me or the trembling emotions talking? Probably more emotion than me. But what is written it cannot be backspaced. It can't be undone. Well technically I could but I don't want to. If I take you all along on my journey to happiness, maybe it will  help me get stronger and help anyone else.

Now I can't say the pain is better. But I am smiling more. Even today. 4 years ago today I became engaged. And I can't think about how happy I was. And how happy we all were. I remember that day in detail. So I get past that fact and then I start watching General Hospital. Not only did I think the last time I watched the Nurses Ball, was with him, the last song that was sang and the last scenes just were too much.

I know Im healing everyday. I know God is still giving me that strength. I have never once let my faith waiver whether it was dealing with my first divorce, or through losing jobs, or or through a difficult sickness. I need him more than ever right now. And I am doing my best to let him be there. I am doing my best not to place blame on anyone. Even though I still am clueless and have no closure. I can't place blame on Ramon . All I really want is a simple conversation.

One of my friends told me to " fake it till you make it:." I love it but I on the line. Sure I don't want to him to see how miserable I am. I want him to see me happy. I want him to see how happy this job is making me. I want him to see me with Drew. I want him to see how much I am trying to take care of myself. And the house. And everything else. But on the flip side, I want him to know I still need him. That I still love him. I don't want him to think Ive moved on.

But with prayer, faith and my family I will move on. Whether he comes back or not, its his and Gods hands. Until then, my focus goes to God, singing and let other people see him through me, my family, and my son and mostly me.

Again, I don't want anyone to think Im writing this to get sympathy for for anyone to feel sorry for me. But I want to share my journey. There are so many other peoples stories out there that Im sure have touched others, I hope mine will. Of course its going to be a while, but just getting these words out of my head and heart and onto here is a huge accomplishment for me. People are always going to judge you for what you do. You can't let them get you down.

Im not saying that Im done with the crying. Or done with just being plain mad. Or done with thinking about him. But hopefully that diminish over the next weeks or so. So until then, I hope you stick with following my blog and my journey to peace and comfort. And again, prayers are always welcome.

=)

Where To Go From Here

I can't say that each day gets easier. I can't say that I don't break down and cry at the very thought of him. I can't tell you that taking down all of our pictures in the house was easy and down with a a dry eye. I can't tell you I don't start crying even on Facebook when I run upon a picture of us, even the pictures we took the Sunday before he left. I look around and see him everywhere. I wake up in the middle of the night and the other half of the bed is empty and it seems like my arms stretch for miles just trying to find him. I still wait for that door to open and it be him.I hear a song that takes me back to a time with him. I just can't say anything.

I wish I could give details on what happened. I wish I had those details. But when you are married to someone over 3 years and known them almost all of your life, and then all of a sudden they are gone, it hurts. I haven't heard from him. I haven't seen him. He refuses to talk to me. How can someone just run out of your life like that? My son had surgery and the least he could have done was to ask how he was. I know he loved Drew and I know Drew loved him. Every night we say our prayers and Drew asks God to bring him back to us. That kid is something else. He's been stronger through this than I have honestly. 

I would bring up the fact that his whole family has dismissed me. Almost like I don't exists. I don't know what I did But not only did I lose him but I lost another family who just refuses to talk to me as well. 

As far as Ramon goes, I don't even know. I don't know if he's afraid to come back and talk. I really don't know. I can't ask anyone because nobody responds. Its like I didn't even exist. I just wish someone would tell me he's okay. I do still care about him. In my mind thought, he doesn't care about me or Drew anymore. And I have to let that go. And just know God is looking over us. Ive been hurt so much. The scars on my heart can tell the stories. I just want to know that part of him is hurting. Just a bit. That he does recognize I was and still his wife at the moment. I just want to hear him. Even if its a simple conversation. And as far as these counselors go ( that are not Christian based) and told him to not even consider going to marriage counseling, well if I have words for them. But I will ekkp this G Rated. 

I know it will get better. Going through this divorce is going to be tough. But I have great family, a new awesome job and faith and my God who has his hands on me and Drew each and every day. I just pray that Ramon feels God too. I fear that he's gonna lose that relationship with him. 

Thanks for the prayers and words of encouragement. You all really don't know what that means to me. 

My left ring finger is so much lighter now

Before anyone asks... yes me and Ramon are in the middle of a divorce. The reason.. well your guess is as good as mine. He packed and up and left all of a sudden on the 21st and then I receive an email from him a week later saying he was done. Then filed for a divorce. Yes people, my marriages ended through an email. He won't talk or listen to me. And I haven't seen him in over 3 weeks. But you can only imagine what is going through my head at the moment.

Im going to keep this one pretty short because I don't want to say anything I will regret later. If anything I will say after almost 4 years of marriage, I was blind sided. Im upset. Im mad and probably every emotion in between. I have no closure basically because I got an email.. at least I deserved in person on on the phone. Drew and I would appreciate your prayers as we struggle with this. And I guess for Ramon as well. I don't know where he is or what happened.

Thanks.

Forcing to go to church?

Ive been seeing this blog thats been going around for the last couple of days. Its title " Why I Would Never Force my Kids to go to Church"
Check it out here!
The title was intriguing enough for me to read and after I was done I thought to myself how true that was!
I got to thinking about my childhood. My parents were both raised in church and actually met in church. Therefore, you can imagine my sister and I were " forced " to go to church as children. I can so vividly remember waking up on Sunday mornings and going in to the living room, getting on the couch, putting my gown over my legs and burying my head in the pillow to block the light until it was time to eat and get dressed. I would always say a prayer that my parents would say," Oh, we aren't going today. You can go back to bed." But God never heard THAT prayer... When did parents start trumping God? =) I also remember my cousins lived diagonally from us and every Sunday they were forced to do the same thing. They had to go past our church to get to theirs. And every Sunday we would leave about the same time. If we were leaving and their door was opened , or vise-versa, we would call because that usually meant someone was sick.  ( They were also active in their church and my aunt and uncle are watching their children still go  to church along with their grandson! )   And that was really the only reason we ever stayed home on a Sunday morning, Sunday night or Wednesday night.My parents were both involved in teaching and me and my sister were part of choir and groups and Sunday School. We went to VBS at our church and my cousins church. Now I used the word forced but I want to say that I use that loosely. I can't ever remember hating church. I liked it on Sunday nights and Wednesday nights because I didn't have to get up. But I ended up loving it. I was saved at a camp but I got baptized in that church. ( In which I fell down the stairs first and was already wet before I got dunked in the water  ) I made friends and loved the small church atmosphere.
Skip to many years later, after some bumps along the way, Im still involved in church. There were times after I moved out of my parents and got married that I didn't feel forced to go. I wanted to go. However I started to see my current spouse as the parent, forcing me to go some Sundays that I don't want to.
That got me to thinking... I sing about 3 Sundays a month in different campuses and services for Calvary. I love it and wouldn't have it any other way. But the Sunday Im "off" we usually go to the first service and I can enjoy it with my family. The Sundays which I have Drew, we make him go. He argues sometimes, but never regrets it when he gets there. He loves singing and honestly loves learning about God. Even at 6, he's already quoting verses and asking more and more about God. When Im having a bad day, he will come and love on me. And that just shows me that God is working through this child and that Im doing the same thing that my parents did for me. Even though he doesn't go when he is with dad, Ramon and I are still laying a strong foundation for him. And I can only pray that his love for God and church will grown and that one day, I will seel him doing the same with his kids.
But there are Sundays that I don't want to go. I don't want to get up because I want to sleep ( And we all know I get a plenty of sleep during the week due to the whole not having a job thing ) Thats when my spouse becomes a past parent. He forces me to get up and go. And when I do, I don't regret it.
Our wedding vows didn't mention church. They didn't mention that one spouse was to force the other one to go somewhere when they didn't want to. But the vows didnt have to read this. My husband was bought up the same way. If it weren't for him, I would have never heard half of the sermons that I really needed to hear.
So parents, go to church. Make your kids go. And spouses, rely on each to force one to go. God depends on us to make a difference while were here on Earth and what a great way to start=)

Just another year....

So we have hit 2014. Well, we hit it a couple of months ago but given this is my first post of the new year, Happy New Year!! So while I would have loved to start this post out by saying how great this year is going, I can't lie. I lost my job again, have already been in the hospital and have had some bad blood work results. Yea my year is starting off great.
I have tried to make the best of it. By doing more around the house and my husband I joined a gym and started working on our health. I am proud of him and can't wait to see where we both are in 6 months. On top of that, I am doing Weight Watchers again because this has proved successful for me in the past.
I was talking to a friend as almost all of this was going on. And I looked at him and told him I don't know if I can handle it anymore and how strong I couldn't be. I just needed to break down. His response was simple, " You need to break every now and then." The more I thought of this, the more I thought it was a little silly. I needed to break? Wasn't I supposed to stay strong for my family, for my son, for me? It would be so much easier to not but aren't we supposed to face life's challenges standing straight up?
Maybe this wasn't life's challenge. Maybe this was God's challenge. But even so, I had enough already. And each time it just gets harder. So maybe I needed to break. Maybe I needed to show God that I was broken and I needed him to put me back together. Whats the point of acting like you have it together when inside, you have nothing left. I admit, this has been the hardest time for me. Even when I look at the past, I just can't seem to wrap any rhyme or reason around what has happened. So one day, while I was here alone, I broke down. I got on my knees in the middle of my living room floor and just let it go. I talked to God and probably in some form, screamed at him. And then I rose and I sang to him. All within 10 minutes of each other. Only he can understand what was going on in my heart. And why this had to be done.
To this day, my favorite song has always been " Held" by Natalie Grant. I have said it in previous posts, but this song is true and says the truth.

This is what it means, to be held. How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive.
This is what is is, to be loved, and to know, that the promise is, when everything fails, we'd be held.

Im glad he he promised us this. This is why we can break down. This is why we don't have to be strong for anyone. He is holding us through good and bad times. But most all, when we break down, he is still holding us.
So my friend was exactly right, I needed to break down. I needed to let God see that side and then let him begin the healing process. He just needs to start putting me back together for his will. In his eyes. And in the meantime, my family will do just fine=)