Fight For You

I have tried to write this blog for a time. I have drafts over drafts but I just couldn't find the words. Most of you know I had a major surgery that kept me in the hospital for 2 weeks and then came home. A couple of days later, I went septic again. Luckily this time we caught it in time. But just to hear the doctor tell you that if I had waited any longer, I may not have made it because my body couldn't handle it again. And if I ever go septic again, my chances of survival would be low. It really doesn't sink in when they tell you that until you get home and then it sinks in then. What would have happened if I would have just waited to see if my temperature would go down. But when it hit 104.0 I knew I had to do something. I am so grateful for the nurses and doctor at SJE ER. There quick actions literally saved my life. Everyone was so calm. Even when my nurse saw my temperature at 105.3 that night, she knew I was in trouble, but she did what she had to do very calmly even though I knew that my body was going septic again. All I could think about was please God let this work. Im not through. And slowly my temp came down and each day got better and eventually came home. 

I kept thinking, God is not through with me yet. After almost dying 2 times, not as bad as the first time, I knew I had a purpose. 

At the same time, I was signing the final of my divorce papers. So it was like I came out a new person and starting a new chapter in my life. Theres a song by Sidewalk Prophets called " Help Me Find It " and I believe in this song so much.

 I don't know where to go from here 
It all used to seem so clear 
I'm finding I can't do this on my own 

I don't know where to go from here 
As long as I know that You are near 
I'm done fighting 
I'm finally letting go 

I will trust in You 
You've never failed before 
I will trust in You 


If there's a road I should walk 
Help me find it 
If I need to be still 
Give me peace for the moment 
Whatever Your will 
Whatever Your will 
Can You help me find it 

Can You help me find it 

I'm giving You fear and You give faith 
I giving You doubt
You give me grace 
For every step I've never been alone 

Even when it hurts, You'll have Your way 
Even in the valley I will say 
With every breath 
You've never let me go 

I will wait for You 
You've never failed before 
I will wait for You 


The lyrics are just so touching. And thats what Im searching for. I also am searching for who I was before everything came tumbling down with my marriages and my health. Its funny how when you pray and you ask God to place someone in your life to help you, it happens. One of very best friends, Jennifer Reed,  from grade school is still one of my very best friends, I have known her since I was 7. We could go a year without talking and then all of a sudden start talking again like had been talking for years. Thats the kind of friendship I think everyone should have. We had been texting and I was telling her about how sad it is that when I don't have Drew, I don't do anything. She starts to tell me how I need to find myself and this is the perfect time. The following is a post that she texted me and I thought I would share it given that I needed to hear it but how she hit it on the head.

LOL sometimes that's not a bad thing. But you gotta understand with me, I remember THAT girl. She's the one I knew the best. Before Chris. We were young yes, but that's still you. You just have to find her again. You were confident and you liked what you liked and wanted what you wanted and now life has been trying to slowly take that and your dreams away from you. You've fought for your marriages, you've fought for your son and lately you've even had to literally fight for your life....again....but when is it ever going to be time for you to really fight for her? The person you were before every bad thing in this world tried to take it away from you? Because I personally think, now is the time. God has given you a gift even though it might not seem it right now. And after some thought I think maybe it's all been leading you here. He allowed to see both Chris and Ramon for they really were. Not right away always, but with some time He did. And I just think maybe instead of worrying about someone else it's time to fight for and take your own life back. Just your own and just for you. I often think about what I want Dawson to see in me. What I really want him to learn from me. And I don't want it to be that I was afraid of being alone or afraid of messing up. I would much rather him be proud of me for showing strength where most people would have weakness. And I want him to know it's okay to go after your dreams and the things that matter to you, even if you fail sometimes. I just want him to be proud of me in the end. And I think showing Drew and yourself who you really are would accomplish all of that. And even more, I think you'd be proud of yourself for it too. It makes all the difference. 

It took me a while to get through because I was crying. But she always has a way to say exactly what I need to hear. So Im taking that advice, Im staying still and listening to God. And I am going to be find myself again. I want that girl back, even the girl that was with Chris. I was happy. I was involved in church. I was always willing to go to places and not afraid to do things on my own. I knew who I was. And like Jen said in her text, life was literally trying to take every part of me away. My marriages, my health. I have had to fight for all of it. And it has drained me. And I can't let that do that anymore. I have a 6 year old who loves no matter what. He is my world. He makes me smile and I know he loves me no matter what. I need to be a better mother, daughter, friend and sister. I have been hurt too much and I can't allow that to get me down. I want Drew to see his mother as a strong person that can stand up and fight through anything. 

Its going to take time, I know. But I will stand still and let God show me his will and his purpose for letting me live again. 

To everyone who prayed, or even though of me through my sickness or visited, thank you. I have no doubt that prayer and faith god me through this again. Gods not done with me yet and I can't wait to see what he has in store for me.

Catching Up...

So this past weekend I had the pleasure of catching up with an old friend. And by catching up, I mean a 3 hour phone conversation. It was one of those things that you just feel like God put that conversation there to give you hope. She has to be one of the most inspirational people I know and she never ceases to amaze me with how much she relies on God for EVERYTHING. Just to listen to her story on how she met her husband and how they paid for it was simply astounding. She is living proof that when you surround yourself with God and surrender your all, that Gods plan for you starts to unravel.
I also talked to another friend whose words sort of shook me a bit. It was something along the lines of  you need to fill yourself with God first and foremost. Between her and him, it was like Gods way of saying, Beth slow down and look to me.
I know he has a plan. I know theres someone out there for me. But I am not going to go search. When God is ready for me to meet him, he will somehow place him in my life. Who knows? I may not meet him for another month, year or years..or I may already know him. But when I get to that point of filling myself with him and giving it up to him. then I know I will be ready. I don't know how long that will be and right now I don't need to focus on that. I am not proud of being divorced twice but I can also say it wasn't me. I know God hates divorce but when you are left with no other reason then thats it.
I have been struggling with finding a good study or devotional on just using God to plan your life. But when it comes right down to it, I am also still struggling with getting over this divorce. These past 4 weeks or so have been great. I haven't shed a tear. And Im happy. I can genuinely say, Im happy. My job is wonderful. The people there do nothing but make me laugh and smile. Im impressing my bosses and everything is dandy. And I know God had a hand in that. Again, he knew I was going to need something to take my mind off of everything and with this job he has. But I still have to face him in a couple of weeks for the first time and I know its gonna be rough. So I know I still need to deal with this. Ive been going at it all wrong by just hiding my feelings inside. For those of you that read my blog , you would probably disagree, however, I never talked to anyone and just sort of cried it out. I had some time today after work so I stopped and was looking for a devotional of some sort. I wasn't sure really which one I should be looking after so I just browsed.
For those of you who attend church or maybe not, have probably heard of Celebrate Recovery. It was actually the first service I started singing at when I first started attending Calvary. It was amazing. To see the people lifting all they had to God and singing like it was they had. And for some, it may have very well been all that they had. A pastor of mine suggested that I attend a session or two after the divorce. I was hesitant given the fact that I thought it was just for people with addictions like to alcohol and drugs. etc.. I didn't need that. And I never gave it a second thought.
But as I was browsing the books, the Celebrate Recovery Devotional was sitting there like it was saying at least pick me up. And that I did. And as I read through it, I realized I was so wrong. WhatI had assumed was so far from the truth. I am starting the first chapter tonight. I may not be addicted to anything but for me its no drugs or alcohol running my life, its me. Im running the show. Im pretty sure I will come out of this a stronger Christian. And thats my prayer for me.
These 2 friends came at the right time. And while I won't mention their names, Im forever grateful.

Day 1

Well... this is it. Day 1 of my new life. No nothing new has changed but my outlook. After the last blog, I was contacted by Ramon through a Facebook message. I will not relay the contents but they were not nice. In fact if it were his point to make me feel like crap, he did so. Some of the things he said and the way he said them hit me hard. To a point to where I didn't even know who he was anymore. This whole divorce has turned ugly. And in parts, have turned me ugly in return. I don't regret any blog spots or Facebook things I have said just because. Thats who I am and I can't go back and let him question anything I have done. He hurt me bad and this last thing hurt me the worst. But it was sort of for the good. It helped me realize that all my tears were for something but not him. Now all I want to do is get this over and done and let me live my life.

This morning at church I was struck hard. Sometimes when you are listening to the message, you hear a different message that God was trying to tell you. Everything I have done or said in the last couple of months was done out of spite. I was mad and I wanted everyone to know what he did. And I did. But in all honesty, thats me. I not only wear my heart on my sleeve but my anger, happiness, anything else. Everyone will see it. I have always been that way. Not how to tame that, I am working on it. Like I said I don't regret it but in the future, I will know how to manage it better.

Back to this morning, I feel like God was trying to tell me that I need to take what has happened and burn it. Learn from it what I can, the good, and take that with me. But in no way should I have let Ramon test my faith and spirituality. I let him to get me and I doubted God so much. How he could have let me go through this again. I will know in time why. But my patience wore thin and I almost blamed him. I say almost, because things happened in between that shed some light. Ramon did a lot for me that was good. He showed me I could love again. That I could trust again. ( Although that was pretty much shattered at the end ) But I also learned that once again, I could stand tall. I could come out of this and out everything in the past. Our marriage was great. And that what I have to focus on. I can't look at him like the way I wanted everyone to look at him. Theres a song that Carolyn Dawn Johnson sang and it was basically a song about concentrating on remembering all of the good things not the bad. So for anyone reading this that is related to Ramon, a friend or Ramon himself, I will remember the good times. And even though I don't agree and that in Gods eyes, I did everything I could as a Christian and a wife could do, I did not sin. God hates divorces and so do I. But it became a one sided want and he didnt want anything else to do with me. If anything I wanted to get mad. I wanted to hate Ramon. But I couldn't. But my love for him is fading and I can now do things without thinking of him. And Im good. I am in the middle of writing a final letter to him. And its taking me almost weeks because of the wording. And because I don't want my goodbye to be a hating kind of thing. His goodbye to me,well, we won't go there. But I have to be the good person. I have prayed over and over again for me just to let this part of my life go. And I have . I think this morning God was tugging at my heart saying, I am here. And that I need to become the Christian I have always longed to be. 

Everyone always wants to be the best. I consider myself a good singer. Thats the talent that God has provided me with. I want to the best. But I want to have him move through me and place me in places that I can move through other people as well. My whole life needs to take a turn and serious turn back to God. I have let it slip and let the devil get the best of me through actions, words. etc. I can't take back what I did or what I said. I can't look at Ramon and know that what he's doing is for the best because I still disagree. But I can't change his mind. Only God can control this situation. Finally, I feel peace. As for Ramon and his family, I can only pray that God will show him peace as well. I will never know because all my ties, Im cutting off. I will only see him to finalize everything and my last goodbye is still being written. I am okay with that. Finally, I can say, I am good. I am happy. I am peaceful. And through the message, whether it was James preaching or God preaching to me, I smiled. I can't wait to see what he has in store for me. And in time, I will begin to see. And my family and Drew will being to see. In the mean time, Im concentrating on my son, my family, my job and my health. Why fight a a fight I can't win? And now I don't even want to win. I am done.

So I still have to lot to deal with but its with a smile on my face now. And God behind me. This week I have laughed and smiled more than I have in a while. And yea Im bragging about it. But even my son told me he's glad to see me smile.

I am blessed beyond belief. My sister and her family are in the for the week. And tonight we are celebrating Fathers Day by having a supper together. But I am celebrating my family. And an old friend came back to town. So thats a plus. My job is wonderful and my son is just precious beyond belief. Not to many people can say that. But I can. 

So, to everyone who has read these last couple of blogs and said prayers and words of encouragement, I can't thank you enough. Keep them coming because I still need them. I know some people hate Facebook but actually, opening my mailbox on the days I need those words, helped me more than you will ever know. So as my new life starts the blog will keep coming. And I hope you will still read and join me as I venture out with God on my side to a new destination. =)

Things that cease to amaze me

If I made this into a list it would go on and on for a while. So as you can tell this is not going to be a "sad" post but rather a " what the crap?!??!" list. You know I will never understand why Ramon did what he did. And I will never get that answer. Its funny that every time I tell someone, the first thing they say is he cheated. Now I don't want to assume anything but when you don't get a response it sort of leaves you to make up your own mind.
And it also ceases to amaze me how he can go from loving me to hating me within one day. I am trying so hard to ignore his familiy's threats, his " going off and telling his lawyer " everything and the fact that he couldn't even look me in the eye last week. Something has had to happen and I think as a wife I deserve to know. Otherwise Im gonna come up with my own reason and Im sure it would be totally different than the real reason but I will never know. So at this point, Im trying to forgive whatever he has done and forget at the same time. I am not going to let this ruin my life. I just want this to be over and done. And really at this point, I could care less what he and his family think. They never liked me anyways so now this just gives them more opportunity to make my life miserable.
What husband would do that? Even if you didn't want to be married anymore.. isn't there something inside of him that says, hey I still care enough to talk to her and tell my family to back down. But no. So now instead of crying because Im sad, Im crying because Im so angry that the man I was in love with and unfortunately still am, is watching me have these people threaten me and is okay with me being so miserable over all of this. He doenst care. What happened to the man Im married? The man who was crazy over me for years before  we even got back together? What happened? And I cant ask him because I get no answer and if I try to contact him then it goes against me.
I don't want to hate him. And it has taken prayer and reading the Bible to get me through this. All I can do is bury my thoughts into God and know he can handle this. It so unfair though. To think that he is sitting there laughing and reading this and feeling happy that I am still sort of sad, frightens me. It scares me for him. Because that is NOT him. It scares me for the man he has become. He was such a wonderful man. And now, he's not. I don't know why he's so scared to talked to me. I don't know anything anymore. All I know is Im not gonna let him and this define me.
So this was my rant. Hopefully it will be  my last!

Dont ______ right after _______

So the correct answer? Don't cut your hair right after something dramatic happens.

But I did.

I cut my hair. Did you ever hear that saying? Like don't do something major right when you are mad or sad or something... however I wold have done it anyhow. 

So one more day passes by and works still great. Got a lot of compliments today on how good I am doing and Im actually getting use of my college degree for once. And even though I don't have a degree in HR, Im gonna be involved in that as well in the coming weeks. So things are looking up ( besides the fact that I have still yet found the perfect place to park ) I parked in the employee lot for the first time and rode the shuttle over which dropped me off at the employee entrance. Which thankfully I stumbled and found my way to my department. As long as I can get to the basement I think Im good. ( Although I did get turned around trying to find the restroom today, which I ask myself. this is my 4th day and I am just now asking where the restrooms are? Hmm ) The people are great and I know, I know this is only my 4th day. The only complaint so far is getting used to using 2 monitors! 

As far as the other deal.. yep, pretty much still trying to get over that.. Part of me wants it over and now parts of me wants it put back together. I guess I am in that transitioning stage. Where Im not sure really what I want. I mean if he walked back through that door right now and asked if we could start over like almost dating again... I would without hesitation. So I don't know where I am exactly. However, I think Im finally making steps forward, baby like, really little baby steps but at least they are in the right direction right? I still want to find out what I did. I still want to talk to him but I have to just let it go. ( Temporary break for a " Frozen " moment ) The one thing that is still eating at me is he didn't even try. There were no chances because he didn't give it one chance. And if he did, he sure didn't let me know. Theres a song that Steven Curtis Chapman sings from ages ago called " Love and Learn " Now Im not gonna quote it but I will say I can't listen to it right now without crying my eyes out. Theres also a song out right now called " Restore ". Both focus on marriages and being Christ centered. I wanted a chance to get that back. But it was like someone flipped a switch in him and now hes, well I don't what he is because he's cut off all contact with me. But each and every day its getting better. I can laugh now and I can smile and not fake it. 

I don't know if he reads these. I doubt it. But he has to know this. That I love him. I wish he could figure out whatever he needs to figure out and make it right with me. Im not going anywhere at the moment. 

thanks guys=) 

Did I Go Too Far?

Did I go too far with  my emotions in the last 2 blogs? Was that me or the trembling emotions talking? Probably more emotion than me. But what is written it cannot be backspaced. It can't be undone. Well technically I could but I don't want to. If I take you all along on my journey to happiness, maybe it will  help me get stronger and help anyone else.

Now I can't say the pain is better. But I am smiling more. Even today. 4 years ago today I became engaged. And I can't think about how happy I was. And how happy we all were. I remember that day in detail. So I get past that fact and then I start watching General Hospital. Not only did I think the last time I watched the Nurses Ball, was with him, the last song that was sang and the last scenes just were too much.

I know Im healing everyday. I know God is still giving me that strength. I have never once let my faith waiver whether it was dealing with my first divorce, or through losing jobs, or or through a difficult sickness. I need him more than ever right now. And I am doing my best to let him be there. I am doing my best not to place blame on anyone. Even though I still am clueless and have no closure. I can't place blame on Ramon . All I really want is a simple conversation.

One of my friends told me to " fake it till you make it:." I love it but I on the line. Sure I don't want to him to see how miserable I am. I want him to see me happy. I want him to see how happy this job is making me. I want him to see me with Drew. I want him to see how much I am trying to take care of myself. And the house. And everything else. But on the flip side, I want him to know I still need him. That I still love him. I don't want him to think Ive moved on.

But with prayer, faith and my family I will move on. Whether he comes back or not, its his and Gods hands. Until then, my focus goes to God, singing and let other people see him through me, my family, and my son and mostly me.

Again, I don't want anyone to think Im writing this to get sympathy for for anyone to feel sorry for me. But I want to share my journey. There are so many other peoples stories out there that Im sure have touched others, I hope mine will. Of course its going to be a while, but just getting these words out of my head and heart and onto here is a huge accomplishment for me. People are always going to judge you for what you do. You can't let them get you down.

Im not saying that Im done with the crying. Or done with just being plain mad. Or done with thinking about him. But hopefully that diminish over the next weeks or so. So until then, I hope you stick with following my blog and my journey to peace and comfort. And again, prayers are always welcome.

=)

Where To Go From Here

I can't say that each day gets easier. I can't say that I don't break down and cry at the very thought of him. I can't tell you that taking down all of our pictures in the house was easy and down with a a dry eye. I can't tell you I don't start crying even on Facebook when I run upon a picture of us, even the pictures we took the Sunday before he left. I look around and see him everywhere. I wake up in the middle of the night and the other half of the bed is empty and it seems like my arms stretch for miles just trying to find him. I still wait for that door to open and it be him.I hear a song that takes me back to a time with him. I just can't say anything.

I wish I could give details on what happened. I wish I had those details. But when you are married to someone over 3 years and known them almost all of your life, and then all of a sudden they are gone, it hurts. I haven't heard from him. I haven't seen him. He refuses to talk to me. How can someone just run out of your life like that? My son had surgery and the least he could have done was to ask how he was. I know he loved Drew and I know Drew loved him. Every night we say our prayers and Drew asks God to bring him back to us. That kid is something else. He's been stronger through this than I have honestly. 

I would bring up the fact that his whole family has dismissed me. Almost like I don't exists. I don't know what I did But not only did I lose him but I lost another family who just refuses to talk to me as well. 

As far as Ramon goes, I don't even know. I don't know if he's afraid to come back and talk. I really don't know. I can't ask anyone because nobody responds. Its like I didn't even exist. I just wish someone would tell me he's okay. I do still care about him. In my mind thought, he doesn't care about me or Drew anymore. And I have to let that go. And just know God is looking over us. Ive been hurt so much. The scars on my heart can tell the stories. I just want to know that part of him is hurting. Just a bit. That he does recognize I was and still his wife at the moment. I just want to hear him. Even if its a simple conversation. And as far as these counselors go ( that are not Christian based) and told him to not even consider going to marriage counseling, well if I have words for them. But I will ekkp this G Rated. 

I know it will get better. Going through this divorce is going to be tough. But I have great family, a new awesome job and faith and my God who has his hands on me and Drew each and every day. I just pray that Ramon feels God too. I fear that he's gonna lose that relationship with him. 

Thanks for the prayers and words of encouragement. You all really don't know what that means to me.