Are girls brainwashed?

I have stopped and started this blog now I don't know how many times. It seems I try to veer from writing blogs from the hospital due to the whole emotional side of things. Although they make the best blogs because I guess half the time if you are on medication, you don't know what you write. So I have pondered all weekend what to write about. And, except for the whole kidney deal, life was going pretty well. So finally I would be able to write about something light hearted and not be such an emotional mess and have yet another blog be just depressing. To my faithful readers, I am sorry. To my new readers, warning, most of these are not happy.
There are so many different reasons to blog. you can look up topics, give information, talk about politics, weddings, pregnancies... and the list goes on. So why do I write? I write because I can. I express myself much better through words than anything else. And at least when you write, you can go back and take back something you had "said". Well things changed today, so this blog now becomes another emotional blog. Which brings me back to my original question.. why do I write? Its simple. To help people. With all of the challenges I have faced, I figured if I can get through them I can at least share what I have done. Now don't get me wrong, its not like something happens and I write you and tell you how strong I am coming out of it. I definitely break. And I break hard. And why stop writing now? It may get some personal but I get such positive feedback that I feel like I need to keep going. Which brings me to why I am writing now.
Like I mentioned above, most of the time I write, the situation has already happened and its been a while. But not now. If you wanna know what happens when I break, well Im experiencing it right now. I am currently in the hospital facing yet another bad infection and having tests ran tomorrow to determine whether my kidney has to come out. But I was handling every thing just fine. That was until today. So starts my emotional drain of trying to write this without falling apart. 
About a month ago, my friend made me put a online dating site to the test. It was dumb but I did it. I had a promo code for a free month so I thought why not. It wasn't like I was going to full force into this and didn't expect anything from it. Then it happened. My first email back from a really nice guy. So for the last weeks or so, we have been hanging out. And its been nice. We were building a friendship and as of Friday we had discussed that we still liked each other and were on the same page as far as we wanted to keep it going. I was so happy. He was so different than me but he was teaching me things about myself that I never knew existed. And then I get a , I mean THE text. The text that nobody wants. You can guess what it said, but I will just say, we are through. What bothers me so much is that he just decided over the weekend. He seem to put words into my mouth saying Im not what I needed and that he wasn't what I was looking for. Well no, he wasn't but he became someone I wanted. He said everything right and made me feel so giddy and happy inside. And now this? 
As girls, I think we have seen so many romantic movies, tv shows, music etc.. that some times we think life is going to be that way. If this were a movie, he would come through the door and take things back or at least say goodbye and let me say what I need to say. But its not. But I hang on this hope even if its the smallest hopes of hopes. Maybe space and time is what he needed. Who knows? All I know is that, yet again, I got dealt a bad hand. He was nice and such a gentleman. But in 2 days this all changed. Im not gonna lie, I keep waiting for him to walk through the door or to text or to call. And thats what hurts the most. Every minute that ticks by , you just lose hope. Then I start to wonder, and question. Why? I mean for anyone who knows me, can probably understand that I write this at this moment, Im an emotional wreck. Yes I only knew him for a month but when you think you have something and it gets ripped from you without any warning. ( Sound familiar? ) It HURTS. The only thing I just wished was he would have let me talk to him in person or at least over the phone. I know we aren't supposed to show weakness but I can't help it. Part of me wants him to hurt as well. So I can't write you now and say I have learned anything from this because I haven't. And the excuses are always the same. I just wish for once, I was heard. I don't understand how people make up their mind without taking through it with whoever. 
So right now, I don't feel very strong. I feel like I wanna hit him and at the same time hug him.  The fact that I am never going to see him again kills me. 
I took a lot into consideration after I told him I wanted to keep going on. I am not going to waste anyones time just because I don't want to be lonely. But it wasn't that at all. And no matter what I tried to say, it was like it was going in one ear and out the other. These past 4 weeks I have smiled and laughed more than I have in a long time. 
Im sure, no I know, Im not the only one to have her heart broken more than once but I am a little confused on why Im letting losing him get to me so badly. So I guess this is gonna be a horrible night. I am trying not to break down but its pointless. Im tired of being sick, Im tired of not getting what I want. For once I had it. An amazing guy who opened the door for me and was so polite. And made me smile and laugh. I want to be mad. Its easier and easier to hide as well. 
What do I do now? I know what I would tell people but Im gonna be honest. Im gonna wait for the phone to ring. Im gonna wait for a text. Im gonna wait for him to come see me. And Im gonna wait for a long time. Yes part of me is mad. All I asked was 5 minutes for me to say what I needed to say but he made the decision for both of us. Do girls not get heard anymore? 
All I know, is Im not that strong girl right now. And I just want to curl up and make it go away. If it were only that simple and easy. 
And to that guy : Thanks for the past 4 months. I know we could have something special but now we both are left with the what if's. If you would have just listened to me or talked to me, this could have gone a whole different way. Or even with the same outcome but I would have not been the emotional wreck I am. I was content with just hanging out. You were all I needed. Nothing more, nothing less. 

Its Been One Of Those Days...

As I sit here with my iv meds running through me, I started thinking about the last year. In particular my last year. Most of it included losing things, hospitals, medicines, surgeries. I think the most positive thing has been my job. And of course the usual great family and friend support. Of course none of this was foreseen by me. None of this was something I chose. The sicknesses, the divorce, the surgeries and now more infections. A couple of blogs ago, I had a comment saying how I was such an inspiration anyhow my story could really help people learn how to cope. I make it sound like its worse than it is. I mean, yes, twice now I have come close to dying but there are people worse out there than I have ever been, But in my own little world, every now and then I just hate it. I hate having to explain to people whats on my arm. I even hate that my son knows exactly what it is. I hate when I get him when I get home from work, that I come home, look over his paperwork, get him settled and then have to do my meds which take up most of the time then its time for him to get to bed. I hate all these situations. So how are people going to learn from me? Lets talk about marriage.. ooh well, divorced twice.. how do you stay healthy.. see the above. Its like every time I get a good hand, it gets trumped by something bad and Im forced once again to fight another fight. You have to wonder when its going to be turn to not have to do that. A time where I can go and not be sick and spend time with Drew and have money and be happy. Happiness means a lot of different things. Some will say money, kids, jobs, a significant other, a good family. I would say yea, all of those things would make me happy. But what gets me so mad at me, is Im good at taking something potentially good and ruining it. Im really good at placing blame on myself even if its not my fault. Even if its no big deal, I chalk it up to , well I screwed this up, now what. 
The meds, the sicknesses, they are obviously not my fault. For some reason my bladder and kidneys just don't like me. And the infections just want to to stick around. Ive had people ask me aren't I sad to have to move from this house and the honest answer is no. There is nothing from this house that I would want to take with me ( except for the furniture of course) but no memories, no regrets. I have learned more from this empty house than I ever did in the past 3 years or so. Moving out is actually something Im looking fwd to. That means a fresh start. I just want to be me again. I have mentioned this before. But some things have changed and I think Im finding her but its not to say that doesn't come with tears and whys and headaches. Maybe Ive been gone so long, I don't even know where to start. But I know these past 2 weeks I have been happier. Im just gonna say its nice to be complimented without having to ask for it. And then winning a huge award from something you did for work. I just hope to stay on this path and for now, still digging around for the old me and even if I can't find her, Im sure the new one will be just fine. 

Hope?

I recently had someone ask me how I stay so strong through every situation I have been through. I know its my faith and I know it was God. But there also was this word that kept popping in my head. Hope. There is a technical definition for the word but the definitions that some other people had were more interesting to me.

hope is holding on to something that may or may not be there 
fooling yourself into thinking it is and in turn, possibly making something happen.

To me 'hope' means the light at the end of the tunnel, the belief that things will be better, it's what inspires me to carry on. We all need some hope. Hope you have hope!

I think HOPE is nothing but a heartbreak - a falsehood invented by people to pass the time in a state of suspension.

There is a story called 'Pandora's Box'. The box was filled with all the ills of the earth. Pandora was asked to watch over the box, but not too open it. But her curiosity got the best of her and she opened it anyway. Out came all the sickness, diseases, sorrows, vices, and crimes that afflict poor humanity today. She closed the box before the last thing could get out. The last thing in the box was "HOPE". Hope begged her to let him out and finally she let HOPE out of the box, too.
Some believe HOPE is saving grace of the story, some believe HOPE is just another ill on humanity.

I paused at some of these definitions. This post has taken me a while to put together because its something I like to believe in. I don't see it as a negative but I can understand why some people do use it as a negative. It seems every time we use the word hope it goes the wrong way. Like I hope I don't have cancer. I hope I get the job. Then when they find out they have cancer or they don't get the job, that hope means something else totally. Or if they don't get cancer or they get the job, hope takes on a different meaning. 

It can be the same in any situation. You hope for the phone to ring. You hope that girl or guy likes you. You hope for something, anything. And then that hope changes whatever the outcome is. I have been dealing with this some in the last 2 weeks or so. My problem is I get my hope so high that it hurts so bad when its a negative response. But when everything goes the right way, I keep that hope. Where am I going with this? Well, we do have a hope that everyone can depend on. I hang my hope onto God. And whether I agree with that hope or not, I know its in his time but sometimes we see it on our time and thats when the hope takes negative turn. Im hoping against hope for some things but really hope turns to worry and then Ive learned that I just can't dwell on that. I have such a great life that with the edition of some things, my hopes are coming true.

To Get It Right

As I was picking out songs last week to sing for an audition for a competition that my company has, I fell across this song called " Get It Right ". I first heard it on Glee and I chose it because the audition had to be under 2 minutes. But it wasn't until I sang it when I was like oh my gosh, this is sort of where I am. This is the my audition. You can see my emotion.
After I watched the video, I could see the emotion. Whenever I choose a song to sing in church or wherever, I choose a song that I can put heart and raw emotion in. I always believed that God has given me that talent to reach people. So the songs I sing relate to my life rather in the past, present or future. 
Obviously this song really isn't a church song but a song that after I saw the video, I could not only hear the words but I could feel the words. 
In my last blog, I talked about standing still and letting God. Well, peoples its easier said than done. Its just like that song, how many times does it take to get it right? And it does feel like everything you do tumbles down no matter how hard you try. And as much as I want to write and say everything is wonderful and awesome, its not. At least not yet. I believe there has to be a breaking point in your life before you discover what you really need. Most of my breaking points happen at home randomly. As of right now, I am living in the house that Ramon and I shared for the last almost 4 years. And while his stuff is gone or out of my sight, I still will find something and it will shake me to the core. Im not here to place blame, thats not what this blog is about. But in my break downs, it due to the fact that twice now I am divorced. And while I can honestly say that I fought for both and neither was my fault, I still find ways to blame myself. And during all of the finals of my last divorce was when I was in the hospital. My poor nurse once night, watched me basically cry myself to sleep because God had given me yet another chance at life and I just don't want to screw it up. Im blessed that my job was held for me and I am working again. My supervisors are awesome and are watching me like a hawk to make sure Im doing okay. I even got a reward / certificate for my work on a video we had to do. All my coworkers ask me how I am doing and they are glad to see me back. That makes me happy=) Just to know that I was missed was a great feeling. It proved that I was making some impact even if it was a job.
Another one is my son, Drew. He came up to me last night just to kiss and hug me and tell me he loves me. I will never understand how I got so blessed to have such a wonderful son. God has definetely given me a gift in him. Now I never ask why God? Why did you let me live again? If anything, its because of him.
So while I live my last post and say I am standing still, I am however I am on my knees praying or on the couch having a breakdown. But if you don't have that breakdown and you allow yourself to shut off all of your emotions and pretend everything is okay, its only going to get worse. You HAVE to allow yourself to get to that breaking point so God can pick you up and make you whole again. 
Where do I think I am? I think I am in between breaking down and being picked back up. My crying moments are getting better and although I still am not totally the girl I want to be, I know God is there. And he is leading me wherever he wants too. I am so blessed to have such a huge family support system and a loving church family. I am blessed that I get to take part in the worship team and let God use my voice to reach people. This is what I hold on to. I hold on to God. And God holds on to me. I know there is a purpose and I will see it eventually. In Gods time. 
So for all of you who are struggling with anything, let yourself break down, whether its by yourself, in front of someone you trust or wherever, don't be afraid to let yourself go. The only thing that will happen is God will pick you up so you need to lean on him and your loved ones. 
So thats where I am. I know where I need to be but Gods helping me get there. 

Fight For You

I have tried to write this blog for a time. I have drafts over drafts but I just couldn't find the words. Most of you know I had a major surgery that kept me in the hospital for 2 weeks and then came home. A couple of days later, I went septic again. Luckily this time we caught it in time. But just to hear the doctor tell you that if I had waited any longer, I may not have made it because my body couldn't handle it again. And if I ever go septic again, my chances of survival would be low. It really doesn't sink in when they tell you that until you get home and then it sinks in then. What would have happened if I would have just waited to see if my temperature would go down. But when it hit 104.0 I knew I had to do something. I am so grateful for the nurses and doctor at SJE ER. There quick actions literally saved my life. Everyone was so calm. Even when my nurse saw my temperature at 105.3 that night, she knew I was in trouble, but she did what she had to do very calmly even though I knew that my body was going septic again. All I could think about was please God let this work. Im not through. And slowly my temp came down and each day got better and eventually came home. 

I kept thinking, God is not through with me yet. After almost dying 2 times, not as bad as the first time, I knew I had a purpose. 

At the same time, I was signing the final of my divorce papers. So it was like I came out a new person and starting a new chapter in my life. Theres a song by Sidewalk Prophets called " Help Me Find It " and I believe in this song so much.

 I don't know where to go from here 
It all used to seem so clear 
I'm finding I can't do this on my own 

I don't know where to go from here 
As long as I know that You are near 
I'm done fighting 
I'm finally letting go 

I will trust in You 
You've never failed before 
I will trust in You 


If there's a road I should walk 
Help me find it 
If I need to be still 
Give me peace for the moment 
Whatever Your will 
Whatever Your will 
Can You help me find it 

Can You help me find it 

I'm giving You fear and You give faith 
I giving You doubt
You give me grace 
For every step I've never been alone 

Even when it hurts, You'll have Your way 
Even in the valley I will say 
With every breath 
You've never let me go 

I will wait for You 
You've never failed before 
I will wait for You 


The lyrics are just so touching. And thats what Im searching for. I also am searching for who I was before everything came tumbling down with my marriages and my health. Its funny how when you pray and you ask God to place someone in your life to help you, it happens. One of very best friends, Jennifer Reed,  from grade school is still one of my very best friends, I have known her since I was 7. We could go a year without talking and then all of a sudden start talking again like had been talking for years. Thats the kind of friendship I think everyone should have. We had been texting and I was telling her about how sad it is that when I don't have Drew, I don't do anything. She starts to tell me how I need to find myself and this is the perfect time. The following is a post that she texted me and I thought I would share it given that I needed to hear it but how she hit it on the head.

LOL sometimes that's not a bad thing. But you gotta understand with me, I remember THAT girl. She's the one I knew the best. Before Chris. We were young yes, but that's still you. You just have to find her again. You were confident and you liked what you liked and wanted what you wanted and now life has been trying to slowly take that and your dreams away from you. You've fought for your marriages, you've fought for your son and lately you've even had to literally fight for your life....again....but when is it ever going to be time for you to really fight for her? The person you were before every bad thing in this world tried to take it away from you? Because I personally think, now is the time. God has given you a gift even though it might not seem it right now. And after some thought I think maybe it's all been leading you here. He allowed to see both Chris and Ramon for they really were. Not right away always, but with some time He did. And I just think maybe instead of worrying about someone else it's time to fight for and take your own life back. Just your own and just for you. I often think about what I want Dawson to see in me. What I really want him to learn from me. And I don't want it to be that I was afraid of being alone or afraid of messing up. I would much rather him be proud of me for showing strength where most people would have weakness. And I want him to know it's okay to go after your dreams and the things that matter to you, even if you fail sometimes. I just want him to be proud of me in the end. And I think showing Drew and yourself who you really are would accomplish all of that. And even more, I think you'd be proud of yourself for it too. It makes all the difference. 

It took me a while to get through because I was crying. But she always has a way to say exactly what I need to hear. So Im taking that advice, Im staying still and listening to God. And I am going to be find myself again. I want that girl back, even the girl that was with Chris. I was happy. I was involved in church. I was always willing to go to places and not afraid to do things on my own. I knew who I was. And like Jen said in her text, life was literally trying to take every part of me away. My marriages, my health. I have had to fight for all of it. And it has drained me. And I can't let that do that anymore. I have a 6 year old who loves no matter what. He is my world. He makes me smile and I know he loves me no matter what. I need to be a better mother, daughter, friend and sister. I have been hurt too much and I can't allow that to get me down. I want Drew to see his mother as a strong person that can stand up and fight through anything. 

Its going to take time, I know. But I will stand still and let God show me his will and his purpose for letting me live again. 

To everyone who prayed, or even though of me through my sickness or visited, thank you. I have no doubt that prayer and faith god me through this again. Gods not done with me yet and I can't wait to see what he has in store for me.

Catching Up...

So this past weekend I had the pleasure of catching up with an old friend. And by catching up, I mean a 3 hour phone conversation. It was one of those things that you just feel like God put that conversation there to give you hope. She has to be one of the most inspirational people I know and she never ceases to amaze me with how much she relies on God for EVERYTHING. Just to listen to her story on how she met her husband and how they paid for it was simply astounding. She is living proof that when you surround yourself with God and surrender your all, that Gods plan for you starts to unravel.
I also talked to another friend whose words sort of shook me a bit. It was something along the lines of  you need to fill yourself with God first and foremost. Between her and him, it was like Gods way of saying, Beth slow down and look to me.
I know he has a plan. I know theres someone out there for me. But I am not going to go search. When God is ready for me to meet him, he will somehow place him in my life. Who knows? I may not meet him for another month, year or years..or I may already know him. But when I get to that point of filling myself with him and giving it up to him. then I know I will be ready. I don't know how long that will be and right now I don't need to focus on that. I am not proud of being divorced twice but I can also say it wasn't me. I know God hates divorce but when you are left with no other reason then thats it.
I have been struggling with finding a good study or devotional on just using God to plan your life. But when it comes right down to it, I am also still struggling with getting over this divorce. These past 4 weeks or so have been great. I haven't shed a tear. And Im happy. I can genuinely say, Im happy. My job is wonderful. The people there do nothing but make me laugh and smile. Im impressing my bosses and everything is dandy. And I know God had a hand in that. Again, he knew I was going to need something to take my mind off of everything and with this job he has. But I still have to face him in a couple of weeks for the first time and I know its gonna be rough. So I know I still need to deal with this. Ive been going at it all wrong by just hiding my feelings inside. For those of you that read my blog , you would probably disagree, however, I never talked to anyone and just sort of cried it out. I had some time today after work so I stopped and was looking for a devotional of some sort. I wasn't sure really which one I should be looking after so I just browsed.
For those of you who attend church or maybe not, have probably heard of Celebrate Recovery. It was actually the first service I started singing at when I first started attending Calvary. It was amazing. To see the people lifting all they had to God and singing like it was they had. And for some, it may have very well been all that they had. A pastor of mine suggested that I attend a session or two after the divorce. I was hesitant given the fact that I thought it was just for people with addictions like to alcohol and drugs. etc.. I didn't need that. And I never gave it a second thought.
But as I was browsing the books, the Celebrate Recovery Devotional was sitting there like it was saying at least pick me up. And that I did. And as I read through it, I realized I was so wrong. WhatI had assumed was so far from the truth. I am starting the first chapter tonight. I may not be addicted to anything but for me its no drugs or alcohol running my life, its me. Im running the show. Im pretty sure I will come out of this a stronger Christian. And thats my prayer for me.
These 2 friends came at the right time. And while I won't mention their names, Im forever grateful.

Day 1

Well... this is it. Day 1 of my new life. No nothing new has changed but my outlook. After the last blog, I was contacted by Ramon through a Facebook message. I will not relay the contents but they were not nice. In fact if it were his point to make me feel like crap, he did so. Some of the things he said and the way he said them hit me hard. To a point to where I didn't even know who he was anymore. This whole divorce has turned ugly. And in parts, have turned me ugly in return. I don't regret any blog spots or Facebook things I have said just because. Thats who I am and I can't go back and let him question anything I have done. He hurt me bad and this last thing hurt me the worst. But it was sort of for the good. It helped me realize that all my tears were for something but not him. Now all I want to do is get this over and done and let me live my life.

This morning at church I was struck hard. Sometimes when you are listening to the message, you hear a different message that God was trying to tell you. Everything I have done or said in the last couple of months was done out of spite. I was mad and I wanted everyone to know what he did. And I did. But in all honesty, thats me. I not only wear my heart on my sleeve but my anger, happiness, anything else. Everyone will see it. I have always been that way. Not how to tame that, I am working on it. Like I said I don't regret it but in the future, I will know how to manage it better.

Back to this morning, I feel like God was trying to tell me that I need to take what has happened and burn it. Learn from it what I can, the good, and take that with me. But in no way should I have let Ramon test my faith and spirituality. I let him to get me and I doubted God so much. How he could have let me go through this again. I will know in time why. But my patience wore thin and I almost blamed him. I say almost, because things happened in between that shed some light. Ramon did a lot for me that was good. He showed me I could love again. That I could trust again. ( Although that was pretty much shattered at the end ) But I also learned that once again, I could stand tall. I could come out of this and out everything in the past. Our marriage was great. And that what I have to focus on. I can't look at him like the way I wanted everyone to look at him. Theres a song that Carolyn Dawn Johnson sang and it was basically a song about concentrating on remembering all of the good things not the bad. So for anyone reading this that is related to Ramon, a friend or Ramon himself, I will remember the good times. And even though I don't agree and that in Gods eyes, I did everything I could as a Christian and a wife could do, I did not sin. God hates divorces and so do I. But it became a one sided want and he didnt want anything else to do with me. If anything I wanted to get mad. I wanted to hate Ramon. But I couldn't. But my love for him is fading and I can now do things without thinking of him. And Im good. I am in the middle of writing a final letter to him. And its taking me almost weeks because of the wording. And because I don't want my goodbye to be a hating kind of thing. His goodbye to me,well, we won't go there. But I have to be the good person. I have prayed over and over again for me just to let this part of my life go. And I have . I think this morning God was tugging at my heart saying, I am here. And that I need to become the Christian I have always longed to be. 

Everyone always wants to be the best. I consider myself a good singer. Thats the talent that God has provided me with. I want to the best. But I want to have him move through me and place me in places that I can move through other people as well. My whole life needs to take a turn and serious turn back to God. I have let it slip and let the devil get the best of me through actions, words. etc. I can't take back what I did or what I said. I can't look at Ramon and know that what he's doing is for the best because I still disagree. But I can't change his mind. Only God can control this situation. Finally, I feel peace. As for Ramon and his family, I can only pray that God will show him peace as well. I will never know because all my ties, Im cutting off. I will only see him to finalize everything and my last goodbye is still being written. I am okay with that. Finally, I can say, I am good. I am happy. I am peaceful. And through the message, whether it was James preaching or God preaching to me, I smiled. I can't wait to see what he has in store for me. And in time, I will begin to see. And my family and Drew will being to see. In the mean time, Im concentrating on my son, my family, my job and my health. Why fight a a fight I can't win? And now I don't even want to win. I am done.

So I still have to lot to deal with but its with a smile on my face now. And God behind me. This week I have laughed and smiled more than I have in a while. And yea Im bragging about it. But even my son told me he's glad to see me smile.

I am blessed beyond belief. My sister and her family are in the for the week. And tonight we are celebrating Fathers Day by having a supper together. But I am celebrating my family. And an old friend came back to town. So thats a plus. My job is wonderful and my son is just precious beyond belief. Not to many people can say that. But I can. 

So, to everyone who has read these last couple of blogs and said prayers and words of encouragement, I can't thank you enough. Keep them coming because I still need them. I know some people hate Facebook but actually, opening my mailbox on the days I need those words, helped me more than you will ever know. So as my new life starts the blog will keep coming. And I hope you will still read and join me as I venture out with God on my side to a new destination. =)