I was gong to add to that title and say " Im Getting it Right... For Now " however I have decided to keep it positive and keep the whole out look on this relationship positive. And I mean, me not messing anything up. So I know a lot of you have asked about my new boyfriend, Eric and where we met and so forth so I thought I would finally write a blog to answer some of these. I would have written sooner only my computers charger went down and so did my computer so I apologize.
So you may remember a previous blog on here about a guy named Eric whom I had met online. I have deleted that post really because I was emotional and in the hospital and on pain medicine. I try to avoid writing at those times because words sometimes come out that I dont mean or situations change and its just get confusing for you and me. So dont go looking, because you wont find that post.
Anyhow, so yes we met online. I was convinced by a friend to try it out and so was he. He was the first and only person I talked to. So after talking we met up and just sort of started hanging out. After about a month, he became my official boyfriend. I know some of you are thinking, isnt that a little a fast? But I have to come a realization that well not to be mean but it was our decision and that no no really. The most important thing to me is that he understood my past and I didnt lie to him about anything. I also learned about his. We both have sisters named Christen and our birthdays are the same day except I am one year older. All of the these things kept popping up and I was like it was so weird to have so much in common and even those these are superficial, we also have other important things in common.
Drew loves him and hes met my parents and my cousin and they all like him as well which is always a plus in my book! Im getting to know his family but since they arent from around here its mainly been chatting on Facebook. I tried to explain to him its so much more pressure on the girl to meet the mother because moms seems to always have this image of the perfect woman for her son. And with a kid and 2 divorces behind me, I was nervous and still am. Luckily I am trying to ease my way, with his help, to talk and get to know her. So far so good.
Im not going to get into logistics like where hes from and what he does however the one main thing he does is make me happy. =)
You would think meeiing someone would be sort of nervous around each other. But it wasnt at all. He even said the same thing. It was like we had known each other longer. Which is a good thing....I felt so comfortable around him and even sharing what I had been through with him felt so natural like I could finally be myself and wouldnt be judged (even thought both divorces were not my fault) And then he has to take me to the ER for kidney issues and he was right there. And I could tell that he cared about me and that he honestly didnt care that he had to be there and take me. And then it happened.
I have a major problem with starting to fall for people hard and fast. And I told myself I would not do that with him. We were actually building a friendship and it was turning into more but I was so scared to tell him I was falling for him because I didnt to mess this up. We are still in the beginning stages but I cannot put into words how lucky and blessed I feel to have him in my life. I dont care how we met, the point is we met for a reason. He is such a genuine and amazing guy with a huge heart. He treats me better than almost any another man I have ever had in my life. To say Im happy is a waaaay understatement. Time will tell what happens from here but for once I wish time would go slow just so we can continue on the path we are going. Each day, I feel like my feelings for him get stronger and we grow closer. I try to sort of tell him but I also do not wan to scare him off lol. But with the surgery coming up and everything I have been through, I try not to keep my feelings insude anymore just because it isnt worth it. He knows and he hasnt run away and thats number one in my book. So for once a happy blog!! And while some people think its sort of fast, I cant help the way I feel and I just hope he knows that!
Eric,
I know its strange to only really talking for about 2 months but I just wanted to say thank you. These last months could have been really hard but you made me smile and laugh through it all even when I wanted to hit something or cry. You have taught me things about myself and reminded me who I used to be even from years ago. You are an amazing guy who has won my heart over big time. And I cant wait for another new day just to see where our journey will go. I want you to know that I will be there for you through anything and you dont even have to ask. I love the way you know just the right moments to make me smile and laugh and how through these hard times, they arent so hard with you around. I love the way you told me you arent into holding hands in public but you hold mine anyways just to make me smile. Its the little things you do that dont see that make me so happy and blessed to be a part of your life. I cant wait to see whats ahead for us . I cant put into words how much you mean to me but I do know that " I am the luckiest."
Love,
BA
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Thursday, August 28, 2014
How Lost Do We Need To Get Before We Are Found?
How Broken Do We Need To Get Before We Are Put Back Together?
How Far Must We Go Before Someone Looks For Us?
To tell you the truth, I could go and on and on with different titles. We all have been there once in our life. So down, so lost, so broken, that we cannot see the light. We cant even see a foot in front of us. All we can see is what is now and what bought us to that point. And that can be dangerous. So dangerous that it can cause one to take their life. So dangerous that it can lead us down a path of deconstruction so bad that we feel we cannot get our lives back. So dangerous that it can us isolated from the world and seperate us from family and friends. So how far do we have to go before we are rescued?
Its not an easy question for anyone to ask or even to answer. Basically, there is no answer. And for those that do go down that path, they do it alone. This way nobody knows and they dont have to drag anyone else down with them. They suffer in silence. They are beyond help, or so they think. They dont want to tell anyone because they know then, there secret will be out and everyone will be wanting in. They will be wanting into your world. Into this world where its only dark and you dont even care to see the light. You have learned to cope with the world and to live in it. You learn to act like you are fine. But slowly you begin to pull away. Pull away from those who want to help you. Pull away from people who could help you.
Last night, on So You Think You Can Dance, there was a routine about a guy who was in the path of deconstructing. Then an angel appeared and helped him. Even though, he resisted, at the end, he finally gave in, saw the light and was saved. One of the judges, Nigel, mentioned after the routine that he had just lost 2 of his best friends to suicide. And how stupid it was. Then you have Robin Williams. Who would ever guessed that he would have killed himself? He had been battling depression and in the beginning stage of being sick, but he took his own life. People are either scared to face what is in front of them or just wants away. That is an easy way out. But selfish. And just like Nigel said, stupid.
With everything I have been through, I do feel like I have been broken that I didnt think I could be put back together. I had a friend ask me a couple of weeks ago , how do you deal with it? How do you stay so positive? I just looked at him, and said " I dont know. I guess I just do '. I have become so used to fighting fights around every corner whether its with health or just personal stuff. Every time there is a light, it starts to get foggy again. And I have search for that light just to have something to hold on to. For me, its always been my faith. And just knowing that God handles all of this. I question him so much. Im pretty sure Im not the only one that does. I go on and on about my problems when there are people out there that face so much more than I ever will. And they hang on.
I have a son. A son who is an amazing boy who can make me smile and laugh whenever I need him too. I know he needs his mommy so thats what I hang on to. And then theres hope. The hope tha God promised us that he would be there and carry us through anything we may go through. And then you have life. Life that throws you stuff and crushes every thing. If there is one thing I could change about myself, it would be for me not to get my hopes up. That even if at that moment, everything is good and Im happy and I cant believe this is happening kind of thing happens, that I just live it day by day. Thinking about things sometimes can be so hard. And it can ruin good things that are happening. What can I say? I just sit here sometimes and hope against hope. Just for once, I want something that I fight for , to actually pull through. And I fight so hard, that when I dont win, I fall that much harder down. Ive done it all my life.
My job and my co workers were an answer from God. I love my job. I really do. And my co workers are some of the best. And Im so blessed that I still have a job even though I have absent a lot. I guess we dont always get what we wish or what we wait for. And, that is where I struggle. So my prayer changes a lot. I guess I need to pack those wishes up and let them stay there until one day I can finally let them go. I dont know when that will be, but one day.
When I say on Facebook, thanks for the thoughts and prayers, you all really dont know how much it means. I dont do these blogs to ask for sympathy. I do them because I think there are other people out there that can relate. And if I can help at least one person or let one person know that they arent alone, then Ive accomplished what I have set out to do, And that is one wish that I know comes true more than I know.
How Far Must We Go Before Someone Looks For Us?
To tell you the truth, I could go and on and on with different titles. We all have been there once in our life. So down, so lost, so broken, that we cannot see the light. We cant even see a foot in front of us. All we can see is what is now and what bought us to that point. And that can be dangerous. So dangerous that it can cause one to take their life. So dangerous that it can lead us down a path of deconstruction so bad that we feel we cannot get our lives back. So dangerous that it can us isolated from the world and seperate us from family and friends. So how far do we have to go before we are rescued?
Its not an easy question for anyone to ask or even to answer. Basically, there is no answer. And for those that do go down that path, they do it alone. This way nobody knows and they dont have to drag anyone else down with them. They suffer in silence. They are beyond help, or so they think. They dont want to tell anyone because they know then, there secret will be out and everyone will be wanting in. They will be wanting into your world. Into this world where its only dark and you dont even care to see the light. You have learned to cope with the world and to live in it. You learn to act like you are fine. But slowly you begin to pull away. Pull away from those who want to help you. Pull away from people who could help you.
Last night, on So You Think You Can Dance, there was a routine about a guy who was in the path of deconstructing. Then an angel appeared and helped him. Even though, he resisted, at the end, he finally gave in, saw the light and was saved. One of the judges, Nigel, mentioned after the routine that he had just lost 2 of his best friends to suicide. And how stupid it was. Then you have Robin Williams. Who would ever guessed that he would have killed himself? He had been battling depression and in the beginning stage of being sick, but he took his own life. People are either scared to face what is in front of them or just wants away. That is an easy way out. But selfish. And just like Nigel said, stupid.
With everything I have been through, I do feel like I have been broken that I didnt think I could be put back together. I had a friend ask me a couple of weeks ago , how do you deal with it? How do you stay so positive? I just looked at him, and said " I dont know. I guess I just do '. I have become so used to fighting fights around every corner whether its with health or just personal stuff. Every time there is a light, it starts to get foggy again. And I have search for that light just to have something to hold on to. For me, its always been my faith. And just knowing that God handles all of this. I question him so much. Im pretty sure Im not the only one that does. I go on and on about my problems when there are people out there that face so much more than I ever will. And they hang on.
I have a son. A son who is an amazing boy who can make me smile and laugh whenever I need him too. I know he needs his mommy so thats what I hang on to. And then theres hope. The hope tha God promised us that he would be there and carry us through anything we may go through. And then you have life. Life that throws you stuff and crushes every thing. If there is one thing I could change about myself, it would be for me not to get my hopes up. That even if at that moment, everything is good and Im happy and I cant believe this is happening kind of thing happens, that I just live it day by day. Thinking about things sometimes can be so hard. And it can ruin good things that are happening. What can I say? I just sit here sometimes and hope against hope. Just for once, I want something that I fight for , to actually pull through. And I fight so hard, that when I dont win, I fall that much harder down. Ive done it all my life.
My job and my co workers were an answer from God. I love my job. I really do. And my co workers are some of the best. And Im so blessed that I still have a job even though I have absent a lot. I guess we dont always get what we wish or what we wait for. And, that is where I struggle. So my prayer changes a lot. I guess I need to pack those wishes up and let them stay there until one day I can finally let them go. I dont know when that will be, but one day.
When I say on Facebook, thanks for the thoughts and prayers, you all really dont know how much it means. I dont do these blogs to ask for sympathy. I do them because I think there are other people out there that can relate. And if I can help at least one person or let one person know that they arent alone, then Ive accomplished what I have set out to do, And that is one wish that I know comes true more than I know.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Are girls brainwashed?
I have stopped and started this blog now I don't know how many times. It seems I try to veer from writing blogs from the hospital due to the whole emotional side of things. Although they make the best blogs because I guess half the time if you are on medication, you don't know what you write. So I have pondered all weekend what to write about. And, except for the whole kidney deal, life was going pretty well. So finally I would be able to write about something light hearted and not be such an emotional mess and have yet another blog be just depressing. To my faithful readers, I am sorry. To my new readers, warning, most of these are not happy.
There are so many different reasons to blog. you can look up topics, give information, talk about politics, weddings, pregnancies... and the list goes on. So why do I write? I write because I can. I express myself much better through words than anything else. And at least when you write, you can go back and take back something you had "said". Well things changed today, so this blog now becomes another emotional blog. Which brings me back to my original question.. why do I write? Its simple. To help people. With all of the challenges I have faced, I figured if I can get through them I can at least share what I have done. Now don't get me wrong, its not like something happens and I write you and tell you how strong I am coming out of it. I definitely break. And I break hard. And why stop writing now? It may get some personal but I get such positive feedback that I feel like I need to keep going. Which brings me to why I am writing now.
Like I mentioned above, most of the time I write, the situation has already happened and its been a while. But not now. If you wanna know what happens when I break, well Im experiencing it right now. I am currently in the hospital facing yet another bad infection and having tests ran tomorrow to determine whether my kidney has to come out. But I was handling every thing just fine. That was until today. So starts my emotional drain of trying to write this without falling apart.
About a month ago, my friend made me put a online dating site to the test. It was dumb but I did it. I had a promo code for a free month so I thought why not. It wasn't like I was going to full force into this and didn't expect anything from it. Then it happened. My first email back from a really nice guy. So for the last weeks or so, we have been hanging out. And its been nice. We were building a friendship and as of Friday we had discussed that we still liked each other and were on the same page as far as we wanted to keep it going. I was so happy. He was so different than me but he was teaching me things about myself that I never knew existed. And then I get a , I mean THE text. The text that nobody wants. You can guess what it said, but I will just say, we are through. What bothers me so much is that he just decided over the weekend. He seem to put words into my mouth saying Im not what I needed and that he wasn't what I was looking for. Well no, he wasn't but he became someone I wanted. He said everything right and made me feel so giddy and happy inside. And now this?
As girls, I think we have seen so many romantic movies, tv shows, music etc.. that some times we think life is going to be that way. If this were a movie, he would come through the door and take things back or at least say goodbye and let me say what I need to say. But its not. But I hang on this hope even if its the smallest hopes of hopes. Maybe space and time is what he needed. Who knows? All I know is that, yet again, I got dealt a bad hand. He was nice and such a gentleman. But in 2 days this all changed. Im not gonna lie, I keep waiting for him to walk through the door or to text or to call. And thats what hurts the most. Every minute that ticks by , you just lose hope. Then I start to wonder, and question. Why? I mean for anyone who knows me, can probably understand that I write this at this moment, Im an emotional wreck. Yes I only knew him for a month but when you think you have something and it gets ripped from you without any warning. ( Sound familiar? ) It HURTS. The only thing I just wished was he would have let me talk to him in person or at least over the phone. I know we aren't supposed to show weakness but I can't help it. Part of me wants him to hurt as well. So I can't write you now and say I have learned anything from this because I haven't. And the excuses are always the same. I just wish for once, I was heard. I don't understand how people make up their mind without taking through it with whoever.
So right now, I don't feel very strong. I feel like I wanna hit him and at the same time hug him. The fact that I am never going to see him again kills me.
I took a lot into consideration after I told him I wanted to keep going on. I am not going to waste anyones time just because I don't want to be lonely. But it wasn't that at all. And no matter what I tried to say, it was like it was going in one ear and out the other. These past 4 weeks I have smiled and laughed more than I have in a long time.
Im sure, no I know, Im not the only one to have her heart broken more than once but I am a little confused on why Im letting losing him get to me so badly. So I guess this is gonna be a horrible night. I am trying not to break down but its pointless. Im tired of being sick, Im tired of not getting what I want. For once I had it. An amazing guy who opened the door for me and was so polite. And made me smile and laugh. I want to be mad. Its easier and easier to hide as well.
What do I do now? I know what I would tell people but Im gonna be honest. Im gonna wait for the phone to ring. Im gonna wait for a text. Im gonna wait for him to come see me. And Im gonna wait for a long time. Yes part of me is mad. All I asked was 5 minutes for me to say what I needed to say but he made the decision for both of us. Do girls not get heard anymore?
All I know, is Im not that strong girl right now. And I just want to curl up and make it go away. If it were only that simple and easy.
And to that guy : Thanks for the past 4 months. I know we could have something special but now we both are left with the what if's. If you would have just listened to me or talked to me, this could have gone a whole different way. Or even with the same outcome but I would have not been the emotional wreck I am. I was content with just hanging out. You were all I needed. Nothing more, nothing less.
There are so many different reasons to blog. you can look up topics, give information, talk about politics, weddings, pregnancies... and the list goes on. So why do I write? I write because I can. I express myself much better through words than anything else. And at least when you write, you can go back and take back something you had "said". Well things changed today, so this blog now becomes another emotional blog. Which brings me back to my original question.. why do I write? Its simple. To help people. With all of the challenges I have faced, I figured if I can get through them I can at least share what I have done. Now don't get me wrong, its not like something happens and I write you and tell you how strong I am coming out of it. I definitely break. And I break hard. And why stop writing now? It may get some personal but I get such positive feedback that I feel like I need to keep going. Which brings me to why I am writing now.
Like I mentioned above, most of the time I write, the situation has already happened and its been a while. But not now. If you wanna know what happens when I break, well Im experiencing it right now. I am currently in the hospital facing yet another bad infection and having tests ran tomorrow to determine whether my kidney has to come out. But I was handling every thing just fine. That was until today. So starts my emotional drain of trying to write this without falling apart.
About a month ago, my friend made me put a online dating site to the test. It was dumb but I did it. I had a promo code for a free month so I thought why not. It wasn't like I was going to full force into this and didn't expect anything from it. Then it happened. My first email back from a really nice guy. So for the last weeks or so, we have been hanging out. And its been nice. We were building a friendship and as of Friday we had discussed that we still liked each other and were on the same page as far as we wanted to keep it going. I was so happy. He was so different than me but he was teaching me things about myself that I never knew existed. And then I get a , I mean THE text. The text that nobody wants. You can guess what it said, but I will just say, we are through. What bothers me so much is that he just decided over the weekend. He seem to put words into my mouth saying Im not what I needed and that he wasn't what I was looking for. Well no, he wasn't but he became someone I wanted. He said everything right and made me feel so giddy and happy inside. And now this?
As girls, I think we have seen so many romantic movies, tv shows, music etc.. that some times we think life is going to be that way. If this were a movie, he would come through the door and take things back or at least say goodbye and let me say what I need to say. But its not. But I hang on this hope even if its the smallest hopes of hopes. Maybe space and time is what he needed. Who knows? All I know is that, yet again, I got dealt a bad hand. He was nice and such a gentleman. But in 2 days this all changed. Im not gonna lie, I keep waiting for him to walk through the door or to text or to call. And thats what hurts the most. Every minute that ticks by , you just lose hope. Then I start to wonder, and question. Why? I mean for anyone who knows me, can probably understand that I write this at this moment, Im an emotional wreck. Yes I only knew him for a month but when you think you have something and it gets ripped from you without any warning. ( Sound familiar? ) It HURTS. The only thing I just wished was he would have let me talk to him in person or at least over the phone. I know we aren't supposed to show weakness but I can't help it. Part of me wants him to hurt as well. So I can't write you now and say I have learned anything from this because I haven't. And the excuses are always the same. I just wish for once, I was heard. I don't understand how people make up their mind without taking through it with whoever.
So right now, I don't feel very strong. I feel like I wanna hit him and at the same time hug him. The fact that I am never going to see him again kills me.
I took a lot into consideration after I told him I wanted to keep going on. I am not going to waste anyones time just because I don't want to be lonely. But it wasn't that at all. And no matter what I tried to say, it was like it was going in one ear and out the other. These past 4 weeks I have smiled and laughed more than I have in a long time.
Im sure, no I know, Im not the only one to have her heart broken more than once but I am a little confused on why Im letting losing him get to me so badly. So I guess this is gonna be a horrible night. I am trying not to break down but its pointless. Im tired of being sick, Im tired of not getting what I want. For once I had it. An amazing guy who opened the door for me and was so polite. And made me smile and laugh. I want to be mad. Its easier and easier to hide as well.
What do I do now? I know what I would tell people but Im gonna be honest. Im gonna wait for the phone to ring. Im gonna wait for a text. Im gonna wait for him to come see me. And Im gonna wait for a long time. Yes part of me is mad. All I asked was 5 minutes for me to say what I needed to say but he made the decision for both of us. Do girls not get heard anymore?
All I know, is Im not that strong girl right now. And I just want to curl up and make it go away. If it were only that simple and easy.
And to that guy : Thanks for the past 4 months. I know we could have something special but now we both are left with the what if's. If you would have just listened to me or talked to me, this could have gone a whole different way. Or even with the same outcome but I would have not been the emotional wreck I am. I was content with just hanging out. You were all I needed. Nothing more, nothing less.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Its Been One Of Those Days...
As I sit here with my iv meds running through me, I started thinking about the last year. In particular my last year. Most of it included losing things, hospitals, medicines, surgeries. I think the most positive thing has been my job. And of course the usual great family and friend support. Of course none of this was foreseen by me. None of this was something I chose. The sicknesses, the divorce, the surgeries and now more infections. A couple of blogs ago, I had a comment saying how I was such an inspiration anyhow my story could really help people learn how to cope. I make it sound like its worse than it is. I mean, yes, twice now I have come close to dying but there are people worse out there than I have ever been, But in my own little world, every now and then I just hate it. I hate having to explain to people whats on my arm. I even hate that my son knows exactly what it is. I hate when I get him when I get home from work, that I come home, look over his paperwork, get him settled and then have to do my meds which take up most of the time then its time for him to get to bed. I hate all these situations. So how are people going to learn from me? Lets talk about marriage.. ooh well, divorced twice.. how do you stay healthy.. see the above. Its like every time I get a good hand, it gets trumped by something bad and Im forced once again to fight another fight. You have to wonder when its going to be turn to not have to do that. A time where I can go and not be sick and spend time with Drew and have money and be happy. Happiness means a lot of different things. Some will say money, kids, jobs, a significant other, a good family. I would say yea, all of those things would make me happy. But what gets me so mad at me, is Im good at taking something potentially good and ruining it. Im really good at placing blame on myself even if its not my fault. Even if its no big deal, I chalk it up to , well I screwed this up, now what.
The meds, the sicknesses, they are obviously not my fault. For some reason my bladder and kidneys just don't like me. And the infections just want to to stick around. Ive had people ask me aren't I sad to have to move from this house and the honest answer is no. There is nothing from this house that I would want to take with me ( except for the furniture of course) but no memories, no regrets. I have learned more from this empty house than I ever did in the past 3 years or so. Moving out is actually something Im looking fwd to. That means a fresh start. I just want to be me again. I have mentioned this before. But some things have changed and I think Im finding her but its not to say that doesn't come with tears and whys and headaches. Maybe Ive been gone so long, I don't even know where to start. But I know these past 2 weeks I have been happier. Im just gonna say its nice to be complimented without having to ask for it. And then winning a huge award from something you did for work. I just hope to stay on this path and for now, still digging around for the old me and even if I can't find her, Im sure the new one will be just fine.
The meds, the sicknesses, they are obviously not my fault. For some reason my bladder and kidneys just don't like me. And the infections just want to to stick around. Ive had people ask me aren't I sad to have to move from this house and the honest answer is no. There is nothing from this house that I would want to take with me ( except for the furniture of course) but no memories, no regrets. I have learned more from this empty house than I ever did in the past 3 years or so. Moving out is actually something Im looking fwd to. That means a fresh start. I just want to be me again. I have mentioned this before. But some things have changed and I think Im finding her but its not to say that doesn't come with tears and whys and headaches. Maybe Ive been gone so long, I don't even know where to start. But I know these past 2 weeks I have been happier. Im just gonna say its nice to be complimented without having to ask for it. And then winning a huge award from something you did for work. I just hope to stay on this path and for now, still digging around for the old me and even if I can't find her, Im sure the new one will be just fine.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Hope?
I recently had someone ask me how I stay so strong through every situation I have been through. I know its my faith and I know it was God. But there also was this word that kept popping in my head. Hope. There is a technical definition for the word but the definitions that some other people had were more interesting to me.
hope is holding on to something that may or may not be there
fooling yourself into thinking it is and in turn, possibly making something happen.
To me 'hope' means the light at the end of the tunnel, the belief that things will be better, it's what inspires me to carry on. We all need some hope. Hope you have hope!
hope is holding on to something that may or may not be there
fooling yourself into thinking it is and in turn, possibly making something happen.
To me 'hope' means the light at the end of the tunnel, the belief that things will be better, it's what inspires me to carry on. We all need some hope. Hope you have hope!
I think HOPE is nothing but a heartbreak - a falsehood invented by people to pass the time in a state of suspension.
There is a story called 'Pandora's Box'. The box was filled with all the ills of the earth. Pandora was asked to watch over the box, but not too open it. But her curiosity got the best of her and she opened it anyway. Out came all the sickness, diseases, sorrows, vices, and crimes that afflict poor humanity today. She closed the box before the last thing could get out. The last thing in the box was "HOPE". Hope begged her to let him out and finally she let HOPE out of the box, too.
Some believe HOPE is saving grace of the story, some believe HOPE is just another ill on humanity.
There is a story called 'Pandora's Box'. The box was filled with all the ills of the earth. Pandora was asked to watch over the box, but not too open it. But her curiosity got the best of her and she opened it anyway. Out came all the sickness, diseases, sorrows, vices, and crimes that afflict poor humanity today. She closed the box before the last thing could get out. The last thing in the box was "HOPE". Hope begged her to let him out and finally she let HOPE out of the box, too.
Some believe HOPE is saving grace of the story, some believe HOPE is just another ill on humanity.
I paused at some of these definitions. This post has taken me a while to put together because its something I like to believe in. I don't see it as a negative but I can understand why some people do use it as a negative. It seems every time we use the word hope it goes the wrong way. Like I hope I don't have cancer. I hope I get the job. Then when they find out they have cancer or they don't get the job, that hope means something else totally. Or if they don't get cancer or they get the job, hope takes on a different meaning.
It can be the same in any situation. You hope for the phone to ring. You hope that girl or guy likes you. You hope for something, anything. And then that hope changes whatever the outcome is. I have been dealing with this some in the last 2 weeks or so. My problem is I get my hope so high that it hurts so bad when its a negative response. But when everything goes the right way, I keep that hope. Where am I going with this? Well, we do have a hope that everyone can depend on. I hang my hope onto God. And whether I agree with that hope or not, I know its in his time but sometimes we see it on our time and thats when the hope takes negative turn. Im hoping against hope for some things but really hope turns to worry and then Ive learned that I just can't dwell on that. I have such a great life that with the edition of some things, my hopes are coming true.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
To Get It Right
As I was picking out songs last week to sing for an audition for a competition that my company has, I fell across this song called " Get It Right ". I first heard it on Glee and I chose it because the audition had to be under 2 minutes. But it wasn't until I sang it when I was like oh my gosh, this is sort of where I am. This is the my audition. You can see my emotion.
After I watched the video, I could see the emotion. Whenever I choose a song to sing in church or wherever, I choose a song that I can put heart and raw emotion in. I always believed that God has given me that talent to reach people. So the songs I sing relate to my life rather in the past, present or future.
Obviously this song really isn't a church song but a song that after I saw the video, I could not only hear the words but I could feel the words.
In my last blog, I talked about standing still and letting God. Well, peoples its easier said than done. Its just like that song, how many times does it take to get it right? And it does feel like everything you do tumbles down no matter how hard you try. And as much as I want to write and say everything is wonderful and awesome, its not. At least not yet. I believe there has to be a breaking point in your life before you discover what you really need. Most of my breaking points happen at home randomly. As of right now, I am living in the house that Ramon and I shared for the last almost 4 years. And while his stuff is gone or out of my sight, I still will find something and it will shake me to the core. Im not here to place blame, thats not what this blog is about. But in my break downs, it due to the fact that twice now I am divorced. And while I can honestly say that I fought for both and neither was my fault, I still find ways to blame myself. And during all of the finals of my last divorce was when I was in the hospital. My poor nurse once night, watched me basically cry myself to sleep because God had given me yet another chance at life and I just don't want to screw it up. Im blessed that my job was held for me and I am working again. My supervisors are awesome and are watching me like a hawk to make sure Im doing okay. I even got a reward / certificate for my work on a video we had to do. All my coworkers ask me how I am doing and they are glad to see me back. That makes me happy=) Just to know that I was missed was a great feeling. It proved that I was making some impact even if it was a job.
Another one is my son, Drew. He came up to me last night just to kiss and hug me and tell me he loves me. I will never understand how I got so blessed to have such a wonderful son. God has definetely given me a gift in him. Now I never ask why God? Why did you let me live again? If anything, its because of him.
So while I live my last post and say I am standing still, I am however I am on my knees praying or on the couch having a breakdown. But if you don't have that breakdown and you allow yourself to shut off all of your emotions and pretend everything is okay, its only going to get worse. You HAVE to allow yourself to get to that breaking point so God can pick you up and make you whole again.
Where do I think I am? I think I am in between breaking down and being picked back up. My crying moments are getting better and although I still am not totally the girl I want to be, I know God is there. And he is leading me wherever he wants too. I am so blessed to have such a huge family support system and a loving church family. I am blessed that I get to take part in the worship team and let God use my voice to reach people. This is what I hold on to. I hold on to God. And God holds on to me. I know there is a purpose and I will see it eventually. In Gods time.
So for all of you who are struggling with anything, let yourself break down, whether its by yourself, in front of someone you trust or wherever, don't be afraid to let yourself go. The only thing that will happen is God will pick you up so you need to lean on him and your loved ones.
So thats where I am. I know where I need to be but Gods helping me get there.
After I watched the video, I could see the emotion. Whenever I choose a song to sing in church or wherever, I choose a song that I can put heart and raw emotion in. I always believed that God has given me that talent to reach people. So the songs I sing relate to my life rather in the past, present or future.
Obviously this song really isn't a church song but a song that after I saw the video, I could not only hear the words but I could feel the words.
In my last blog, I talked about standing still and letting God. Well, peoples its easier said than done. Its just like that song, how many times does it take to get it right? And it does feel like everything you do tumbles down no matter how hard you try. And as much as I want to write and say everything is wonderful and awesome, its not. At least not yet. I believe there has to be a breaking point in your life before you discover what you really need. Most of my breaking points happen at home randomly. As of right now, I am living in the house that Ramon and I shared for the last almost 4 years. And while his stuff is gone or out of my sight, I still will find something and it will shake me to the core. Im not here to place blame, thats not what this blog is about. But in my break downs, it due to the fact that twice now I am divorced. And while I can honestly say that I fought for both and neither was my fault, I still find ways to blame myself. And during all of the finals of my last divorce was when I was in the hospital. My poor nurse once night, watched me basically cry myself to sleep because God had given me yet another chance at life and I just don't want to screw it up. Im blessed that my job was held for me and I am working again. My supervisors are awesome and are watching me like a hawk to make sure Im doing okay. I even got a reward / certificate for my work on a video we had to do. All my coworkers ask me how I am doing and they are glad to see me back. That makes me happy=) Just to know that I was missed was a great feeling. It proved that I was making some impact even if it was a job.
Another one is my son, Drew. He came up to me last night just to kiss and hug me and tell me he loves me. I will never understand how I got so blessed to have such a wonderful son. God has definetely given me a gift in him. Now I never ask why God? Why did you let me live again? If anything, its because of him.
So while I live my last post and say I am standing still, I am however I am on my knees praying or on the couch having a breakdown. But if you don't have that breakdown and you allow yourself to shut off all of your emotions and pretend everything is okay, its only going to get worse. You HAVE to allow yourself to get to that breaking point so God can pick you up and make you whole again.
Where do I think I am? I think I am in between breaking down and being picked back up. My crying moments are getting better and although I still am not totally the girl I want to be, I know God is there. And he is leading me wherever he wants too. I am so blessed to have such a huge family support system and a loving church family. I am blessed that I get to take part in the worship team and let God use my voice to reach people. This is what I hold on to. I hold on to God. And God holds on to me. I know there is a purpose and I will see it eventually. In Gods time.
So for all of you who are struggling with anything, let yourself break down, whether its by yourself, in front of someone you trust or wherever, don't be afraid to let yourself go. The only thing that will happen is God will pick you up so you need to lean on him and your loved ones.
So thats where I am. I know where I need to be but Gods helping me get there.
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Fight For You
I have tried to write this blog for a time. I have drafts over drafts but I just couldn't find the words. Most of you know I had a major surgery that kept me in the hospital for 2 weeks and then came home. A couple of days later, I went septic again. Luckily this time we caught it in time. But just to hear the doctor tell you that if I had waited any longer, I may not have made it because my body couldn't handle it again. And if I ever go septic again, my chances of survival would be low. It really doesn't sink in when they tell you that until you get home and then it sinks in then. What would have happened if I would have just waited to see if my temperature would go down. But when it hit 104.0 I knew I had to do something. I am so grateful for the nurses and doctor at SJE ER. There quick actions literally saved my life. Everyone was so calm. Even when my nurse saw my temperature at 105.3 that night, she knew I was in trouble, but she did what she had to do very calmly even though I knew that my body was going septic again. All I could think about was please God let this work. Im not through. And slowly my temp came down and each day got better and eventually came home.
I kept thinking, God is not through with me yet. After almost dying 2 times, not as bad as the first time, I knew I had a purpose.
At the same time, I was signing the final of my divorce papers. So it was like I came out a new person and starting a new chapter in my life. Theres a song by Sidewalk Prophets called " Help Me Find It " and I believe in this song so much.
I don't know where to go from here
It all used to seem so clear
I'm finding I can't do this on my own
I don't know where to go from here
As long as I know that You are near
I'm done fighting
I'm finally letting go
I will trust in You
You've never failed before
I will trust in You
If there's a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will
Whatever Your will
Can You help me find it
Can You help me find it
I'm giving You fear and You give faith
I giving You doubt
You give me grace
For every step I've never been alone
Even when it hurts, You'll have Your way
Even in the valley I will say
With every breath
You've never let me go
I will wait for You
You've never failed before
I will wait for You
The lyrics are just so touching. And thats what Im searching for. I also am searching for who I was before everything came tumbling down with my marriages and my health. Its funny how when you pray and you ask God to place someone in your life to help you, it happens. One of very best friends, Jennifer Reed, from grade school is still one of my very best friends, I have known her since I was 7. We could go a year without talking and then all of a sudden start talking again like had been talking for years. Thats the kind of friendship I think everyone should have. We had been texting and I was telling her about how sad it is that when I don't have Drew, I don't do anything. She starts to tell me how I need to find myself and this is the perfect time. The following is a post that she texted me and I thought I would share it given that I needed to hear it but how she hit it on the head.
I kept thinking, God is not through with me yet. After almost dying 2 times, not as bad as the first time, I knew I had a purpose.
At the same time, I was signing the final of my divorce papers. So it was like I came out a new person and starting a new chapter in my life. Theres a song by Sidewalk Prophets called " Help Me Find It " and I believe in this song so much.
I don't know where to go from here
It all used to seem so clear
I'm finding I can't do this on my own
I don't know where to go from here
As long as I know that You are near
I'm done fighting
I'm finally letting go
I will trust in You
You've never failed before
I will trust in You
If there's a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will
Whatever Your will
Can You help me find it
Can You help me find it
I'm giving You fear and You give faith
I giving You doubt
You give me grace
For every step I've never been alone
Even when it hurts, You'll have Your way
Even in the valley I will say
With every breath
You've never let me go
I will wait for You
You've never failed before
I will wait for You
The lyrics are just so touching. And thats what Im searching for. I also am searching for who I was before everything came tumbling down with my marriages and my health. Its funny how when you pray and you ask God to place someone in your life to help you, it happens. One of very best friends, Jennifer Reed, from grade school is still one of my very best friends, I have known her since I was 7. We could go a year without talking and then all of a sudden start talking again like had been talking for years. Thats the kind of friendship I think everyone should have. We had been texting and I was telling her about how sad it is that when I don't have Drew, I don't do anything. She starts to tell me how I need to find myself and this is the perfect time. The following is a post that she texted me and I thought I would share it given that I needed to hear it but how she hit it on the head.
LOL sometimes that's not a bad thing. But you gotta understand with me, I remember THAT girl. She's the one I knew the best. Before Chris. We were young yes, but that's still you. You just have to find her again. You were confident and you liked what you liked and wanted what you wanted and now life has been trying to slowly take that and your dreams away from you. You've fought for your marriages, you've fought for your son and lately you've even had to literally fight for your life....again....but when is it ever going to be time for you to really fight for her? The person you were before every bad thing in this world tried to take it away from you? Because I personally think, now is the time. God has given you a gift even though it might not seem it right now. And after some thought I think maybe it's all been leading you here. He allowed to see both Chris and Ramon for they really were. Not right away always, but with some time He did. And I just think maybe instead of worrying about someone else it's time to fight for and take your own life back. Just your own and just for you. I often think about what I want Dawson to see in me. What I really want him to learn from me. And I don't want it to be that I was afraid of being alone or afraid of messing up. I would much rather him be proud of me for showing strength where most people would have weakness. And I want him to know it's okay to go after your dreams and the things that matter to you, even if you fail sometimes. I just want him to be proud of me in the end. And I think showing Drew and yourself who you really are would accomplish all of that. And even more, I think you'd be proud of yourself for it too. It makes all the difference.
It took me a while to get through because I was crying. But she always has a way to say exactly what I need to hear. So Im taking that advice, Im staying still and listening to God. And I am going to be find myself again. I want that girl back, even the girl that was with Chris. I was happy. I was involved in church. I was always willing to go to places and not afraid to do things on my own. I knew who I was. And like Jen said in her text, life was literally trying to take every part of me away. My marriages, my health. I have had to fight for all of it. And it has drained me. And I can't let that do that anymore. I have a 6 year old who loves no matter what. He is my world. He makes me smile and I know he loves me no matter what. I need to be a better mother, daughter, friend and sister. I have been hurt too much and I can't allow that to get me down. I want Drew to see his mother as a strong person that can stand up and fight through anything.
Its going to take time, I know. But I will stand still and let God show me his will and his purpose for letting me live again.
To everyone who prayed, or even though of me through my sickness or visited, thank you. I have no doubt that prayer and faith god me through this again. Gods not done with me yet and I can't wait to see what he has in store for me.
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