Trying

Its a simple word. Its one word. Its a word we use often but in what context do we actually use and it and mean it? As a a faithful Greys Anatomy watcher, this weeks episode sort of prompted me to to write about this. Usually it takes something like that to get my mind going and sure enough it did. But it led me down so many roads, I wasnt sure and really am still not really sure on which path I am going to follow to make this blog post make sense. Then I thought about a conversation I had with a friend the other night. And the word took on a completely different meaning. 

As kids, we try a lot. And as parents we force our kids to try a lot. Whether its new food, to behave, pay attention.. we are pushing that word down their throats on a daily basis. Now Im not saying its a bad thing because as we all now, if we dont try new things, we will never know if we like them or not. But I started to think about how that word takes on a whole different meaning as we start to grow up, especially in our adulthood. If we no longer have people telling us to try new things, what are we telling ourselves to try and do?

Do we challenge ourselves to try and do new things? Do we venture out of our comfort zones to try something different? Or do we just sit back and wait for someone else to do it for us or even ask us to do it. And even then, are we just as hesitant now as we may have been when we were kids? 

So this brings to me to an even deeper question. Do we not try, or try too hard? Back to my friend. I respect her in every single way just because she refuses to give in. Shes had it pretty rough when it comes to relationships and while most women would try and stick around to make it work, she gets out. And she should. But she has the guts to do it and wont settle. Where as, most of us, including me would settle it meant it was the easy way out. In her case, trying is not an option because she has a heart of steel and follows her gut to the tee. She knows when something is not right and she gets out. Shes a very smart woman and someone all women wish they could be. I guess my point is, do we get ourselves into situations into where, whether right or wrong, we try our dang hardest to make it right for us, for another person or for the situation just so we can walk away happy. 

Do we get so content with trying to make our lives shape out the way we want them to be that we are willing to try and do anything to make that work.. even though, in the end, its all for the wrong reason. Are we trying in the wrong form or fashion? And why do we? If we know the ending is going to be same, why do we try and prolong the situation? Most of the time, its to avoid something. If we can get one more day then good we got it made. But then that day comes and goes and we are faced with it again, so we try again. Maybe this time, other tactics. After all, we were taught to try new things right? 

Just like my hike today. Im an idiot to think I could do that and not pay for it with all sorts of pain later. But I tried it anyhow and pushed myself to the limit. I made it and it was gorgeous and Im glad I did it. And everytime Eric asked if were okay, of course I said yes. I have mastered the face of Im fine. Although I think hes beginning to learn that fake face lol. 

My point is, that trying is okay to a point. But you shouldnt try to prolong things if they are only going to hurt you in the end. Its okay to try it and admit defeat. Thats what comes along with adulthood. If  I could throw out a personal situation, I would but so far all my tries are turning out for the best. So to my friend, heres to you for trying when you need to but knowing when to turn away. I love you to death and someday, maybe you wont have to try at all!

Dang you Nicholas Sparks

This sort of goes hand in hand with a previous posts called " Are Girls Brainwashed " As we were trying to figure out on a movie to go and see the other night ( went and saw Gone Girl, in which I had read almost all of the book and was psycho ) we were almost headed to see The Best of Me. Now I would have chosen the latter one but I was trying to be nice and not hit Eric over the head with another chick flick. I havent read the book but I know what happens and I knew I would be a crying blubbering mess. And I also knew it would be just another Nicholas Sparks approach into getting girls to believe in this deep love that existed in some point of time. Now guys, Im not blaming you but I do think you could learn something from him. He may go overboard with the I love you scenes but they are girls novels and its nice to be taken somewhere nice every now and then and pretend you are the that girl who is being loved so truly and deeply. I dont go back and compare everything to my past because well we just dont. However I do like to be taken away now and then to the place where these couples are. To feel what they do and however not all of their experiences are great, some of those scenes in this movies just make you melt.
It also does you make you earn for that one guy. That one guy to love you truly and that deeply. A kind of love where sometimes no words need to be spoken but just the look alone. tells you what the other one is thinking. Ive seen it. I can even say Ive experienced it. But I dont want it to be just a once upon a time thing, I want it to be a forever thing. Now given my track record, I blame Sparks for putting all these thoughts in my mind. That one day, I too, will find and experience that. I know people say it takes time to find that certain someone. But I think sometimes people just know. Now dont get ahead of yourself... Im not about to place someone name here and freak out everyone who reads this but Im just saying. Its nice to know that one day I will experience that. It may not be of Sparks words or scenes from the movies but its my love story. Everyone has their own and Im learning that it may be not be a classic fairy tale happily every after, every couple has their own fairy tale love story. And, without passing judgement, or thinking Im getting way too far ahead of myself. I like to think, whether it lasts or not, every love story is a story. And its our own. And however it started or ends or what happens in the middle, it has every concept of a story. And although mine has just begun, I still consider it my love story and although I cant see the middle or ending, its just fun adding a sentence or chapter to it every day. And I know there will be conflicts and make ups but thats what makes up a story. To each our own. And Im living mine out=)

An overdue blogpost.....

So my charger is still kaput and thats why the blog posts have been coming slower and slower. There is so much that has changed since my last post that I cant even remember what I posted last time. But I can assure you that the last post, I had 2 kidneys, in now which I only have 1. After some thinking and another annoying infection, it was time to get it out. So on Oct 6, out it came. In all of its glory. It was inflammed and was well quite ugly. And oh did I mention the day before, I had to move out of my house into my parents while I am on leave and off work. But I can assure you as soon as I get well and back to to work and back with money, Im looking for a place.
Yes I am still with the same guy. I wish in a way, we could fast forward our relationship or have this had happened way into our relationship so maybe getting a place together would seem not such a bad idea. To be prefectly honest, I dont know what or where I am going to be in 6 months, but I would hope, still with Eric, and a house or a townhouse and the same job. I say the same job just because I really like it. Lets just say what it is, My happily ever after went out the door years ago. Every little girls perfect dream life isnt mine anymore. It just had to have some tweaking done to it. And it is still well in the works. I dont know what my happily ever after is anymore. All I know is I hope it includes some of whats going on on now and the people in it. Its funny how your whole perspective can change after such a dramatic change in your life. I just want it balanced and normal for once. Now that I think my health is getting that way, its just the other things that God has to put in place for me.
So Eric. I try to keep some things to myself and out of the public eye just until Im sure. I would hate to post something and then have it all untrue by the next post. So from my view, he was very unexpected. I mean, I thought I would date here and there but I never thought I would fall for someone, just that one person, so quick. But it wasnt like I could help it. I would say he even tried to push me away and I think in a way we both just knew it wasnt going to stay that way. For once, I wasnt going to back down from something I liked having in my life. I had learned at that point that life was too short and I liked having him around, so why not fight for it. Well I guess fate gave in, because well 3 months later, hes still around. And I like having him around. My parents seem to like him and Drew as well. So I guess that passes the test. The one thing I have learned is that we are totally different people.I am so outwards with my feelings and he is not. However we have come to some sort of equal so its working. And I guess we will leave it at that. He is not from here so I havent the chance of meeting the rest of his family ( only his brother ) I am looking forward to it. A bit nervous I have to say but I guess as long as I am myself, they can either like me or not like me. Of course, Im going with the I hope they like me because I really like Eric. And if anything I hope they see that I have only the best interest at heart when it comes to him, I have been hurt so bad in the past that doing something to hurt him, I would never do. And I think its the same with him. He honestly, has become someone I can talk to about anything and thats what I look for in a person. He knows about my past and passes no judgement and thats important to me. He likes me for me and not for what descriptions may be floating above my head.. There are so many ways to describe me that I have given up. All I know is what I have overcome and what God has put me through to get me to this point. I am happy again.
I am finding who I was before. And Im not letting someone or some guy define that.
So who knows where this blog will be in 6 months. All I know is for right now, at this very moment. I am one happy girl. And I have a lot to be thankful for. =)

T minus 2 days with my kidney

Yup, its almost go time. Monday morning starts my journey without a kidney. And the closer it gets, the more scared I become. I was relieved at first just because of all my dealings with the constant stones and infections and emergency rooms visits and missing work and missing life in general. But then the closer it gets, all of the bad things that could go wrong come floating in my head. I know this this is the same way with every surgery and I know its a very general surgery now but when its being done to you, it almost feels like you are the only one on the planet that has gone through these struggles and the only one that is having this done. Its like you have been singled out out of everyone else to have this happen to.
Then on top of this, I have to be out of the house by Sunday. So instead of having a nice relaxing weekend of resting or just being out and about and enjoying the time I wont be in pain, is being spent packing up boxes and trying to get stuff moved to my parents and a storage building. Luckily I have help ( and hes cute by the way lol ) but its just way too much. So yes I have known this date for a while but I guess I have been putting it off thinking something would happen and give me some extra time to at least get well after my surgery then have to worry about it. But not in my world will that ever exist. In my world it pours and floods all at once. Always has and something tells me it always will.
However in the midst of all this craziness is this guy. If you read my previous post,  ( if you havent, you need too ) you will see what Im talking about. Well everything is still going really well. And that even scares me. I mean, have I actually done something right? Is this actually going to turn out to be good and actually last? I hate to say it but so far so good. For someone to know my past and not judge me for anything and know where Im coming from and what I have been through and still want to be with me just amazes me still. And I actually love him for that. We have both been burned in the past so we understand that in each other. And it seems like everyday, we learn something else we have in common or at least things we learn from each other. He has taught me things about myself and I think, in return, have helped him. And coming from a person who always wondered and cared about what other people thought about her, thats a lot. Because I know everyone has their own opinion about this relationship and to be honest, for the first time in my life, and I truly mean the first time, I dont care. Whether people think Im moving too fast ( which Im not ) or whatever, I know what I feel and I know where I stand, I am not about to myself in a situation in which I think Im gonna be hurt right away or vise versa. I would never do that to him either. He knows where I stand. I know where he stands and thats what matters.So as far as Im concerned, Im happy. And my family and faith and God and him are keeping me that way. And I know this weekend will be rough but thats when I am really blessed to have certain people in my life to keep me sane. And for those of you have said a prayer or a thought keep them going... Im gonna need them!

Im Getting Ir Right....

I was gong to add to that title and say " Im Getting it Right... For Now " however I have decided to keep it positive and keep the whole out look on this relationship positive. And I mean, me not messing anything up. So I know a lot of you have asked about my new boyfriend, Eric and where we met and so forth so I thought I would finally write a blog to answer some of these. I would have written sooner only my computers charger went down and so did my computer so I apologize.
So you may remember a previous blog on here about a guy named Eric whom I had met online. I have deleted that post really because I was emotional and in the hospital and on pain medicine. I try to avoid writing at those times because words sometimes come out that I dont mean or situations change and its just get confusing for you and me. So dont go looking, because you wont find that post.
Anyhow, so yes we met online. I was convinced by a friend to try it out and so was he. He was the first and only person I talked to. So after talking we met up and just sort of started hanging out. After about a month, he became my official boyfriend. I know some of you are thinking, isnt that a little a fast? But I have to come a realization that well not to be mean but it was our decision and that no no really. The most important thing to me is that he understood my past and I didnt lie to him about anything. I also learned about his. We both have sisters named Christen and our birthdays are the same day except I am one year older. All of the these things kept popping up and I was like it was so weird to have so much in common and even those these are superficial, we also have other important things in common.
Drew loves him and hes met my parents and my cousin and they all like him as well which is always a plus in my book! Im getting to know his family but since they arent from around here its mainly been chatting on Facebook. I tried to explain to him its so much more pressure on the girl to meet the mother because moms seems to always have this image of the perfect woman for her son. And with a kid and 2 divorces behind me, I was nervous and still am. Luckily I am trying to ease my way, with his help, to talk and get to know her. So far so good.
Im not going to get into logistics like where hes from and what he does however the one main thing he does is make me happy. =)
You would think meeiing someone would be sort of nervous around each other. But it wasnt at all. He even said the same thing. It was like we had known each other longer. Which is a good thing....I felt so comfortable around him and even sharing what I had been through with him felt so natural like I could finally be myself and wouldnt be judged (even thought both divorces were not my fault) And then he has to take me to the ER for kidney issues and he was right there. And I could tell that he cared about me and that he honestly didnt care that he had to be there and take me. And then it happened.
I have a major problem with starting to fall for people hard and fast. And I told myself I would not do that with him. We were actually building a friendship and it was turning into more but I was so scared to tell him I was falling for him because I didnt to mess this up. We are still in the beginning stages but I cannot put into words how lucky and blessed I feel to have him in my life. I dont care how we met, the point is we met for a reason. He is such a genuine and amazing guy with a huge heart. He treats me better than almost any another man I have ever had in my life. To say Im happy is a waaaay understatement. Time will tell what happens from here but for once I wish time would go slow just so we can continue on the path we are going. Each day, I feel like my feelings for him get stronger and we grow closer. I try to sort of tell him but I also do not wan to scare him off lol. But with the surgery coming up and everything I have been through, I try not to keep my feelings insude anymore just because it isnt worth it. He knows and he hasnt run away and thats number one in my book. So for once a happy blog!! And while some people think its sort of fast, I cant help the way I feel and I just hope he knows that!

Eric,
I know its strange to only really talking for about 2 months but I just wanted to say thank you. These last months could have been really hard but you made me smile and laugh through it all even when I wanted to hit something or cry. You have taught me things about myself and reminded me who I used to be even from years ago. You are an amazing guy who has won my heart over big time. And I cant wait for another new day just to see where our journey will go. I want you to know that I will be there for you through anything and you dont even have to ask. I love the way you know just the right moments to make me smile and laugh and how through these hard times, they arent so hard with you around. I love the way you told me you arent into holding hands in public but you hold mine anyways just to make me smile. Its the little things you do that dont see that make me so happy and blessed to be a part of your life. I cant wait to see whats ahead for us . I cant put into words how much you mean to me but I do know that " I am the luckiest."

Love,
BA

How Lost Do We Need To Get Before We Are Found?

How Broken Do We Need To Get Before We Are Put Back Together?
How Far Must We Go Before Someone Looks For Us?

To tell you the truth, I could go and on and on with different titles. We all have been there once in our life. So down, so lost, so broken, that we cannot see the light. We cant even see a foot in front of us. All we can see is what is now and what bought us to that point. And that can be dangerous. So dangerous that it can cause one to take their life. So dangerous that it can lead us down a path of deconstruction so bad that we feel we cannot get our lives back. So dangerous that it can us isolated from the world and seperate us from family and friends. So how far do we have to go before we are rescued?
Its not an easy question for anyone to ask or even to answer. Basically, there is no answer. And for those that do go down that path, they do it alone. This way nobody knows and they dont have to drag anyone else down with them. They suffer in silence. They are beyond help, or so they think. They dont want to tell anyone because they know then, there secret will be out and everyone will be wanting in. They will be wanting into your world. Into this world where its only dark and you dont even care to see the light. You have learned to cope with the world and to live in it. You learn to act like you are fine. But slowly you begin to pull away. Pull away from those who want to help you. Pull away from people who could help you.
Last night, on So You Think You Can Dance, there was a routine about a guy who was in the path of deconstructing. Then an angel appeared and helped him. Even though, he resisted, at the end, he finally gave in, saw the light and was saved. One of the judges, Nigel, mentioned after the routine that he had just lost 2 of his best friends to suicide. And how stupid it was. Then you have Robin Williams. Who would ever guessed that he would have killed himself? He had been battling depression and in the beginning stage of being sick, but he took his own life. People are either scared to face what is in front of them or just wants away. That is an easy way out. But selfish. And just like Nigel said, stupid.
With everything I have been through, I do feel like I have been broken that I didnt think I could be put back together. I had a friend ask me a couple of weeks ago , how do you deal with it? How do you stay so positive? I just looked at him, and said " I dont know. I guess I just do '. I have become so used to fighting fights around every corner whether its with health or just personal stuff. Every time there is a light, it starts to get foggy again. And I have search for that light just to have something to hold on to. For me, its always been my faith. And just knowing that God handles all of this. I question him so much. Im pretty sure Im not the only one that does. I go on and on about my problems when there are people out there that face so much more than I ever will. And they hang on.
I have a son. A son who is an amazing boy who can make me smile and laugh whenever I need him too. I know he needs his mommy so thats what I hang on to. And then theres hope. The hope tha God promised us that he would be there and carry us through anything we may go through. And then you have life. Life that throws you stuff and crushes every thing. If there is one thing I could change about myself, it would be for me not to get my hopes up. That even if at that moment, everything is good and Im happy and I cant believe this is happening kind of thing happens, that I just live it day by day. Thinking about things sometimes can be so hard. And it can ruin good things that are happening. What can I say? I just sit here sometimes and hope against hope. Just for once, I want something that I fight for , to actually pull through. And I fight so hard, that when I dont win, I fall that much harder down. Ive done it all my life.
My job and my co workers were an answer from God. I love my job. I really do. And my co workers are some of the best. And Im so blessed that I still have a job even though I have absent a lot. I guess we dont always get what we wish or what we wait for. And, that is where I struggle. So my prayer changes a lot. I guess I need to pack those wishes up and let them stay there until one day I can finally let them go. I dont know when that will be, but one day.
When I say on Facebook, thanks for the thoughts and prayers, you all really dont know how much it means. I dont do these blogs to ask for sympathy. I do them because I think there are other people out there that can relate. And if I can help at least one person or let one person know that they arent alone, then Ive accomplished what I have set out to do, And that is one wish that I know comes true more than I know.

Are girls brainwashed?

I have stopped and started this blog now I don't know how many times. It seems I try to veer from writing blogs from the hospital due to the whole emotional side of things. Although they make the best blogs because I guess half the time if you are on medication, you don't know what you write. So I have pondered all weekend what to write about. And, except for the whole kidney deal, life was going pretty well. So finally I would be able to write about something light hearted and not be such an emotional mess and have yet another blog be just depressing. To my faithful readers, I am sorry. To my new readers, warning, most of these are not happy.
There are so many different reasons to blog. you can look up topics, give information, talk about politics, weddings, pregnancies... and the list goes on. So why do I write? I write because I can. I express myself much better through words than anything else. And at least when you write, you can go back and take back something you had "said". Well things changed today, so this blog now becomes another emotional blog. Which brings me back to my original question.. why do I write? Its simple. To help people. With all of the challenges I have faced, I figured if I can get through them I can at least share what I have done. Now don't get me wrong, its not like something happens and I write you and tell you how strong I am coming out of it. I definitely break. And I break hard. And why stop writing now? It may get some personal but I get such positive feedback that I feel like I need to keep going. Which brings me to why I am writing now.
Like I mentioned above, most of the time I write, the situation has already happened and its been a while. But not now. If you wanna know what happens when I break, well Im experiencing it right now. I am currently in the hospital facing yet another bad infection and having tests ran tomorrow to determine whether my kidney has to come out. But I was handling every thing just fine. That was until today. So starts my emotional drain of trying to write this without falling apart. 
About a month ago, my friend made me put a online dating site to the test. It was dumb but I did it. I had a promo code for a free month so I thought why not. It wasn't like I was going to full force into this and didn't expect anything from it. Then it happened. My first email back from a really nice guy. So for the last weeks or so, we have been hanging out. And its been nice. We were building a friendship and as of Friday we had discussed that we still liked each other and were on the same page as far as we wanted to keep it going. I was so happy. He was so different than me but he was teaching me things about myself that I never knew existed. And then I get a , I mean THE text. The text that nobody wants. You can guess what it said, but I will just say, we are through. What bothers me so much is that he just decided over the weekend. He seem to put words into my mouth saying Im not what I needed and that he wasn't what I was looking for. Well no, he wasn't but he became someone I wanted. He said everything right and made me feel so giddy and happy inside. And now this? 
As girls, I think we have seen so many romantic movies, tv shows, music etc.. that some times we think life is going to be that way. If this were a movie, he would come through the door and take things back or at least say goodbye and let me say what I need to say. But its not. But I hang on this hope even if its the smallest hopes of hopes. Maybe space and time is what he needed. Who knows? All I know is that, yet again, I got dealt a bad hand. He was nice and such a gentleman. But in 2 days this all changed. Im not gonna lie, I keep waiting for him to walk through the door or to text or to call. And thats what hurts the most. Every minute that ticks by , you just lose hope. Then I start to wonder, and question. Why? I mean for anyone who knows me, can probably understand that I write this at this moment, Im an emotional wreck. Yes I only knew him for a month but when you think you have something and it gets ripped from you without any warning. ( Sound familiar? ) It HURTS. The only thing I just wished was he would have let me talk to him in person or at least over the phone. I know we aren't supposed to show weakness but I can't help it. Part of me wants him to hurt as well. So I can't write you now and say I have learned anything from this because I haven't. And the excuses are always the same. I just wish for once, I was heard. I don't understand how people make up their mind without taking through it with whoever. 
So right now, I don't feel very strong. I feel like I wanna hit him and at the same time hug him.  The fact that I am never going to see him again kills me. 
I took a lot into consideration after I told him I wanted to keep going on. I am not going to waste anyones time just because I don't want to be lonely. But it wasn't that at all. And no matter what I tried to say, it was like it was going in one ear and out the other. These past 4 weeks I have smiled and laughed more than I have in a long time. 
Im sure, no I know, Im not the only one to have her heart broken more than once but I am a little confused on why Im letting losing him get to me so badly. So I guess this is gonna be a horrible night. I am trying not to break down but its pointless. Im tired of being sick, Im tired of not getting what I want. For once I had it. An amazing guy who opened the door for me and was so polite. And made me smile and laugh. I want to be mad. Its easier and easier to hide as well. 
What do I do now? I know what I would tell people but Im gonna be honest. Im gonna wait for the phone to ring. Im gonna wait for a text. Im gonna wait for him to come see me. And Im gonna wait for a long time. Yes part of me is mad. All I asked was 5 minutes for me to say what I needed to say but he made the decision for both of us. Do girls not get heard anymore? 
All I know, is Im not that strong girl right now. And I just want to curl up and make it go away. If it were only that simple and easy. 
And to that guy : Thanks for the past 4 months. I know we could have something special but now we both are left with the what if's. If you would have just listened to me or talked to me, this could have gone a whole different way. Or even with the same outcome but I would have not been the emotional wreck I am. I was content with just hanging out. You were all I needed. Nothing more, nothing less.