Settle

I find myself at a crossroads however there only 1 path that I see. Its the one that is right in front of me. The one that is the closest. The one that I can reach out and touch. The one that has the light. The one that means I have settled. For others, there may be different paths. Some easy. some hard and some unknown. For me, I have settled.
Settling in can be seen as good or bad. In all aspects of life, we all settle. Whether its our job, our family, our relationships, we settle. I had a friend tell me the other day, to go out and get what I want. But what happens when want we want isnt offered to us? What happens when we go out and we fail? Do we get back up? Do we try something new? Or do we just go back to that same old path we have fallen into the last couple months or even years. There are tons of reasons we can tell ourselves. That path is scary. Its dark and gloomy and full of obstacles. Or that path is too narrow or too wide and would force us to be uncomfortable for a while. But what we cant see is what is at the end.
We all know the phrase, take the path least traveled. Easier said than done. For me, it seems my path is full of falling branches. Everywhere I take a step, theres something in my way and it forces me back. Instead of trying to get over it, I back up. Its like I take steps forward and the path is clear and for a moment, its clear. I can see straight ahead and I can imagine anything I want. But then, things start to get in the way. The path becomes dark and I cant see ahead anymore. I stand there for a moment thinking do I press ahead? Or do I go back where it safe. And that is what I have been doing. Settling for the safe place. A place where no harm can be done. A place I know very well. But lets face it, its not getting me anywhere.
I have several paths in my life. From my relationships to jobs to my health. And each holds its own future, really never intertwining with each other. Each one is unique, but how I treat them should be the same.
I havent done such a swift job at any of them. Im safe. Im content. But in order for me to progress in not only these categories but in life as well, I have to face to obstacles in front of me and go around and press on. I have to dodge them the best I can and if I cant dodge them, then face them head on. Each time I get sick or lose a job, I should start seeing them as opportunities instead of obstacles. I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason. But here lately, even that has become foggy.
So I am holding on. Holding on to a hope that is at the end of each path. And instead of settling and going down the path always traveled. maybe I need to go to my right or left and venture in. Who knows what I will find. But I will never know until I go. Until I take the first step into the unknown. Its scary. Its mind blowing, but it could something amazing.

Figuring Things Out

By the age of 5, you are, by all parents accounts, growing up. You start school. You are suddenly thrown into a classroom full of other kids your age. For some, it can be a scary moment, for others its a chance to start their life. I still think its harder for parents than kids.

By the age of 13, you are a teenager. You start to see things differently and feel as if you are an adult. You start to claim your own identity and have your group of friends. You start to mold your future with the choices you make. 

By the age of 16, you finally have freedom. You have your own car. For some, you have your own job which brings responsibility yet now you have money. You begin spending your weekends with your friends instead of your house. You may begin to have your first dates and dread that time when you have to ask you parents if you can go out. And if you are a boy, you are dreading picking up that girl for the first time and meeting the parents. 

At the age of 18, you are of out of high school and off to college or for some, off to a job. You are an adult and can make your own decisions. You have your own money, your own place. You are finally out on your own. And here is where you make decisions to that will shape your future forever. What major you will be, where you will live, what friends you will make, and you may meet that certain someone. That certain someone in which you will spend the rest of you life with. 

And on it goes. In a perfect world, you will graduate college with the major you want. Get the perfect job, marry the person of your dreams, buy a house and eventually start a family. Isn't that the dream that everyone wants? At least for girls that is. 

But sometimes, life throws you curveballs. You may not graduate. You may not get the perfect job. You may not marry anyone. You may end up back at your parents or just settling. It seems that life always has a funny way of working out the opposite way you always dreamed of. Of even if you do get a chance at that perfect dream, it may be get interrupted by losing a job, losing a house, or even losing your partner. It happens kids, it happens. 

Its then we really learn who we are. Do we sit down and let life take over? Or do we stand up and go after what we want? Its these times that really determine who we are as a person and how others will perceive us.

I have been struggling these past few weeks with everything from being in the hospital again, facing kidney failure, job in limbo, no place of my own and everything just starts to compile. Why is it you can think of everything you have done wrong in your life and not anything positive? This is when your true character comes out. Now while I haven't really stood up to any of these problems, Im slowly regaining composure. There are still some dents in my life that I don't know will ever work themselves out but its these dents that I can go back to ago remind me that I overcame them. And while they are unbending, something happens. You begin to find yourself again. You begin to see things in a different light. And maybe the person you find, isn't the person you used to be, but better. The hardest thing I have learned is patience. It has never been a virtue of mine. But sometimes, you have to stand back and let things come to you. You have to let those dents start straightening out by trusting. By having faith. By knowing that someone is there to support you. By having that someone you can rely on and talk to. By learning who you are. And looking at those positives you do have in your life. 

Its easy to type this but hard to actually say Im doing this. But Im trying. Each day Im trying. And whatever life may throw at me, Im ready. Bring it on!

Another 12 Days Gone....

So I really have been meaning to blog but again, things just escape me. There is either too much going on or not enough. And you know me, most of the time I blog its after something major has just happened. Well boys and girls, in this case, too many things have happened. So while I won't make this long I will touch on a couple of things that I have been facing the last couple of weeks.

Yup, another 12 days in the hospital. It started the day of the Superbowl and I was over at a friends house watching and I could just tell my eyes start burning. ( which is my weird indication that I was getting a fever ) but I let it go thinking it would go away. Well, my friends it didn't. By the start of the 4th quarter, my body felt like it was literally burning from the inside out. You could not touch any part of my body without almost being burned. I mean I had jeans on and when I got up the place I was sitting felt like fire. Finally after the end of the game, I contacted, or lets re-phrase this, I tried to contact my primary doctor, my urologist, my nephrologist and finally got a hold of min infectious dr who told me what I ultimately knew and that was to get the ER. They took me straight back and my temp at that point was 103.7. I was in pain and lets not talk about how many times it took them to get an iv in me. Its pretty bad when your nurse walks she's know you enough to bring like 3 other people with her cause Im a hard stick. Well finally after about 10 nurses, and over 15 times, they finally got it in right by my shoulder ( ouch ) My kidney and tubes were behind swollen and they admitted me. I ended up having 2 different infections both which kept me in there for 12 days. And then I get the news Friday morning that my creatinine was back up 2.6 and they didn't know why. I looked at my doctor and said Im leaving. You can tell me the results on Monday. Truth it I had plans and the other truth was I didn't want to lay there again all weekend and my pitiful pediatric iv they finally got placed after changing it 5 more times, was holding up. ( I mean a heart team even came in and tried with their machine to start a mid line and they missed and had no lunch. When I say Im a hard stick, Im not kidding ) He looked at me and laughed and said Ill go sign the papers. I think he thought I was gonna come after him if he had told me no. So we will see the down the road what his means. Right now, they are trying to get me into University of Louisville Nephrology group. So maybe, just maybe we can find some answers. I can't keep getting infections in this kidney and stones or the function is going to drop dramatically and thats what we are trying to avoid. I JUST WANT AN ANSWER! Okay.. enough about that....

So while all of this is going on, my nanny had broken her hip and was in the Clark hospital. My poor mom was trying to be in 2 places at one time but I was fine. I had my breakdowns. But she made it though surgery and now is in a rehab facility in Lexington. I am going to go see her sometime this week. I just don't have the nerves right now to see her. I love my nanny and the last time I saw here was in the hospital but now is sort of different. 

So my job is still in limbo at the moment. So I don't even know what to do there. Now do I apply for disability or do I just continue to work and hope they don't let me go. It really isn't fair to the company but I guess I will make that decision at time goes on and we see what is really going to happen with his kidney. I am not sure my last number but if it was going up, I would not be surprised if had went up even more. Which brings me much closer to that transplant list. Which makes me think even more. I am 32. I have been dealt such a an lucky hand in every dept. of my life it seems. I look around at my friends that are healthy, thriving, have families, have jobs and are just well off. And here I am.  Technically still have a job, live with my parents, my health is well, no word for that. But I do have some bright sports and those bright sports are what encourage me to go on. I have good friends, parents, family and my son. And yes, for those who are on my Facebook the presents were from my friend. Not my boyfriend=) He has been one of the bright spots as well. Besides my family, he has seen me though a lot of my illnesses and I know he will be there with me as I face them down the road. He may not know how much he means to me, but its a lot. Its so great to have a friend like that. 

So I think thats enough depressing stuff for one blog? I guess I will end with this..

Don't take anything for granted. I  mean you hear it all the time, Im not dying or near it but any bad infection could slowly start making my life a mess. I have to realize that. So I have to let people know what they mean. And everything I had said I ever wanted to do, I am going to do. Im not planning my funeral people, but before this kidney thing takes over, I feel like I just need to get out there. I have done several of the things I never thought I would here lately. So thanks for reading. And Ill keep in touch! 

A Moment That Wont Be Forgotten

So today started out with me trying to get Drew out of bed. He noticed I had my jeans on and that was his clue that I was taking him to school and then it started. I didnt get hardly any sleep last night and I was tired. Drew was tired and now fussing cause he wanted mom mom to take him to school. It was nasty outside and I just thought it would be a good day to not have to get out of bed and go anywhere. As I attempted to get ready, which consisted of me throwing my hat on my head, I all of a sudden dreaded going to this doctors appt. The last one was when I first had my kidney removed. I drove all the way across town to listen to my doctor for like 5 minutes tell me my numbers were okay but given that I had just got it removed, my numbers were expected to improve. And that was that. Drew eventually won the fight and mom took him to school. And then about 8:15 I got in my car and made my way to my nephrologist office. 
I got there early and sat down in the waiting room about 15 minutes before my appt which was at 9:15. I looked around and realized that I was the youngest one there. It felt like all of these people were staring at me like they expected me to be there with an older person as the patient. Surely I wasn't the patient. I grabbed my iPad and started down at my hands. My arms and hands were covered with bruises and tape marks from all the of the attempts at ivs and blood draws from the past weekend. My hands were swollen and my arms looked like I was a for sure drug user. I sat there and tried to scrape the adhesive off with no success of it coming off. I glanced down at my watch and it glared back at me : 10:00. Great.. I was going to be here all morning. At least when I got back there, I remembered the last time how I was in and out and I never thought, I really was going to be here all morning. Finally they called my name. As I got up, I could feel everyone's eyes on me. Yes I am the patient. Just let me get me back there, get my results so I could go home. 
As I sat back waiting on the doctor, I rested my head against the wall and shut my eyes. Just as I was almost asleep, my fate walked through the door. And it wasn't a pretty fate either.
As he explained to me that my numbers had not improved I sort of just shook my head like I was understanding everything he was saying I just wasn't sure where I was storing the information. My total kidney function was now 25%. I was 5% away from being placed on the transplant list. Yes I had stent in, but he was never convincing that that was not why my numbers were that low. My creatnine had jumped up over the weekend and now with the possibility of more stones eating away at more of my function, it was sort of becoming clear of what he was saying. He did the usual exam and listened to my heart and breathing, pushed on my shin only to have my skin not pop back up indicated swelling and sort of going back over the numbers again. Then he makes a plan to see me back in a month. He escorted me out of the room with not a smile on his face but more of a worried look. I am not sure the look on my face but I think it was more of blank stare. 
The next thing I know I was being led in to another office of the kidney disease failure nurse educator woman. Excuse me for not getting her proper title. I was still trying to figure out what to do with the info he just told me and the info I was getting ready to be fed. I was told all about my numbers again. The symptoms I was having and was reassured over and over again that they were going to do all they could do to protect and save the one kidney I had. But in the end, any more stone or infections could eventually knock any of that potential away. Now I had two conversations in my head and information just floating around. About an hour later I emerged with a folder of information in my hand and a head full of what the crap just happened back there? I called my mom and got in the car and for the first time in ever, drove home in silence. The rest of the day was sort of a blur. Now I know there is worst news people get at doctors appts. I know this wasn't good news but it sort of teetered on being bad. Especially with the fear of thinking if I start getting stones again, how many is it going to take and would I have enough time to get another kidney and would dialysis work and what if this and what if that... the whole day and night. And I lay here and type this, its still playing in my head. And now tomorrow, I have to face my urologist. Im hoping this stone was a fluke. And Im hoping he agrees.
So I guess we will see what tomorrow brings. And the next days... Oh and along with being told about the function, the dr asked if I was trying to get pregnant. I sort of chuckled and was like uh no. I have one and thats enough. He looked at me and said well good because in my case, it would likely kill me if I were to try to have another one. Look doc, Im 32 and have had 6 miscarriages. Having another child wasn't on my list but you really didn't have to tell me that. The chance of not being a mom again crossed my mind but I very lucky to have Drew. But I guess when someone looks as you and tells you shouldn't cause it cost you your life, well that sort of shakes you to the core as well. 
Everyone keeps telling me I can get through anything. Well these anythings keep piling up and Im starting not to be able to be tall enough to see over them. 

~~~~~~

2014 Gone....

Wow... what a year. It has been such a year that it has taken me a couple of days to begin this post. So much has happened major in my life this year that its hard to recap everything. I know it seems like Im lost more than Ive gained this year. And that is true. I lost a job, a spouse, a kidney, part of my bladder and weight. And while 1 one of those is a good thing the others I chalk as up they are gone and while Im still dealing with the aftermath of some of it, Im dealing. What have I gained? Lets see, a better job, friends, and since Jan 1, a relationship. So Im gonna roll with that.
A lot of people have asked if I have set a goal. Well obviously the first one is to find a place of my own. Drew and I need to get settled on our own, so thats number one on my list. As far as my health, Im taking it a day at a time. I know my function isn't the greatest and the infections will keep on coming but I trust my doctors to take care of me. Its just something Ive become used to.
Relationships.. well its been and up and down ride for me this past year. I went through my second divorce which is still a mystery and I have to admit it was hard. Then the first guy I went out with is the one I am currently with. We broke up, then stayed friends and now have started our relationship again. I have to say I didn't see it coming. With my luck, I figured it was over. But he threw me a curve ball and we are a couple again. And Im excited. And the fact that it happened on January 1st. He has taught me a lot. More than anyone will know or understand. He has taught me forgiveness, how strong I am, and how to deal with difficult situations. He is always there to calm me down when I start to stress out. And even better, he is my best friend. I can talk to him about anything and I know he's listens. Not everyone sees this, but I do. And thats what counts. And I like to think Im the same for him. I think we sort of support each other, like couples should do. Even we were just friends, he came to the ER with me and sat there and took care of me. He never thought twice. Thats what makes me smile. We have made a lot of memories and I really can't wait to see what its in the future for us. Its a brand new year, anything is possible. And its up to me to make that possible happen.
This year has taught me a lot too. Who to trust, who not to trust. How things can be blown way out of proportion and how much people can act like children sometimes. As far as family, well, learned quite a lot about that too. Its so hard when you can feel you trust people and then have it thrown it in in your face. And then it just gets too much. You know I always loved that our family was close and we had traditions. Well this year one was broken and without going into detail, its something I have to deal with and well people just need to learn to get over things and to keep to their ownselves.
It happens in every family and friends but I never thought it would happen for me. But its more on them than me and as the famous song goes, I "let it go". Thats what you have to do. Im happy and theres nothing anyone or anyone can say to take that away.
I have learned not to less stressful things take over my life. And that has a lot to do with my boyfriend. He has to be the calmest person I have ever met. And he is always there to remind me not to worry and things are going to be okay. Again, Im thankful for him in my life.
My health, well who knows? I never know from day to day what its gonna be like. Luckily my job is understanding enough when I have a appointments and if I get in the hospital they are not happy of course but understanding. Because we all know I just can't go in for 2 days ... its at least a week or more. And its horrible. I don't choose to go to the ER but when it comes and hits, I have no choice. And only having one kidney, I have to be a little more careful. Its not like I can let an infection get out of control and take my last kidney. Thats the last thing I need. And the last thing I need to worry about.
As far as everything from the past year, well if you had read my blogs, they haven't been the happiest. But Im looking to change that. If that means I have to stand up and fight for myself than I will. I have let too many people walk over me and let things go when I should have stood up for myself. And that is one goal I have.
As far as work, I love my job. Its hard work at times but I love the company and the people I work with. And given that they know about my health issues and work with me I couldn't ask for more. And Im finally getting to use my degree to a point.
Relationships... well we have already talked about that. I just to hope to keep it going. He makes me happy =)

So I hope everyone had a good 2014.. and an even better 2015!!

Relationships, We All Want 'Em, We All Got 'Em, What We Do With Them...

At least Jimmy Buffet knows..

Oh the time of your life when your life becomes full of what ifs and regrets and tears and smiles and well.. other stuff. Dating. Now at the age of 32, you would think I would have this one down. Umm wrong. Everyone I have dated ( 2 people ) I ended up marrying and well we all know how that turned out. So dating for me is brand new. So where do you meet people? Work.. well considering I work in the basement and really not around people, chances there are slim to none.. and then well thats about it. So I did it. I went where other single people go and in this time of age, the only place that people seem to go now, online. Yes I said it. Online. 

Now, you are asked to describe yourself in at least 200 words and then answer a whole bunch of questions about you and what you want in your potential mate. And then you post your best pics and then wait. People can look you up and then based on what they see, they can like you, wink at you, or favorite you, or send you an email. And then every day in your email they send you these profiles of people that seem to match what you are looking for. Or you can search on your own and do what you want. Now I haven't dug way too deep into it. But I have met a couple of people. One has become a great friend and the other has become a friend as well. So even if I don't know if I have met the one, I have at least 2 new friends in my life. And I still talk to them almost every day. 

And its not like I have everything good going for me. I am a single mom. I have been married twice and I live with my parents. Now I know the reason behind these and once I tell people, it doesn't sound do bad but on the outside, it doesn't look so grand. I mean Im only 32. But I have faith. I don't believe that my life is over. 

So as I explore the world the dating, I have no clue whats ahead of me. All I know is that, like in my previous post, God has a plan. And even though I can't see it and I have no clue when it will show, I know its out there for me. I just have to be patient and believe that God has everything in his hands. If its meant to be, it will be. Theres really no forcing anything. And thats my problem. Its like when you see all of these people, or couples, and you get jealous. Its like, what did I do to deserve to be alone? I have done everything right. Im not the one who cheated or flipped out. Im the one who fought. Im the one who has been trying to do everything right. And Im the one who feel likes karma has flipped on. So when is it going to be my turn? When do I get my chance at happiness? I guess thats what is so frustrating. But life goes on. I have a good job. A family and a wonderful son who is the light of my life.

So as I dig into this world of " dating " we will see where this takes me. And hopefully my blog will become more a happy world than a I complain all the time lol.

Turkey Time!

Awww.. its the time of year where we eat, nap, watch football and then repeat. And depending on the size of your family, you may repeat this several times. Its also a time, that if you happen to live in the house where Thanksgiving is being held, you may hear grumbling, complaining and experience mood swings of the person that is cooking right up until the door bell rings. Then all of a sudden, everything is good and dandy. ( Not from personal experience, but fixing the meal can be a very stressful thing, and Im sure this has happened ) I have never had to cook because we always go to other family's houses. Which Im grateful for. But to be truthful, I really cant wait to have my own family again and actually cook the supper and have people over. Cooking for me is sort of a destressor. Now granted, I turn on my music and do better when its just me and nobody else but is my way of winding down if Im really stressed out about something. 
Looking back this year, well, lets face it, its been a crappy year for me all in all. However, my goal is to take something positive out of each bad situation. If you continue to dwell on the bad of everything, then you arent going to be thankful but in bad there is a good. You just have to find it. Its like that for anything and anyone. So for me this year, I spent many MANY days in the hospital, almost died again, had my kidney removed, had to move in with my parents and went through a divorce. Most people dont experience all of this in a span of 5 year much less than 1 year, or in my case, sort of months. And some people dont experience this at all. But I did and it all was pretty much bad but like I said Im trying to find the good in all of it. So here it goes:

Going through my second divorce was horrible. It was an unseen event that I never saw coming which made it worse. And it has taken a me a while to get over the whole shock of it all but Im finally to the point to where I can say the past is in the past and I cant relive that over and over again in my head because it just tears you up. You cant go back and undo anything but you can move forward and try to make peace with the person and the situation. It is much easier when something ends and its a mutual decision and you know why but in this case, that was not what happened. Its not my job to try and decipher it anymore. I can learn from it and grow from it and thats exactly what I am trying to do. This led me believe I love again and trust again and thats what I needed. And thats what I gained from this relationship. But something else, unexpected, came out of this and that was I met someone who had become part of my life now and even though, boyfriend/girlfriend, it didnt work out, he has become one of my best friends and I am very grateful for him. I can rely on him and he is this amazing guy who I coulndt imagine not having in my life. So from shutting one person out of my life, led me to meeting him and even though I have been through some medical crap these last couple of months, he has been there with me through most of it. I couldnt ask for a better friend. 

Having PICC lines after PICC lines and infections after infections, is well besides painful. very annoying. The hospital was my home for a long time. I became immune to most of the antibiotics I was on and finally deciding that my infections were coming from left kidney, we finally decided it was time to take it out. Now, my right one is not fully working and was only receiving 1/3 of the blood flow so we knew before we would be taking chances, but it finally came down to either risking my life and having nothing to fight another bad infection with, or just face the possibility of dialysis down the road. 2 years ago, my infectious doctor wanted to do this but it was ruled out given the function of that right kidney, but this time I was sick and tired of everything so we just took it out. When I left that hospital, I had never felt better. It seemed, at the time, that that is exactly what needed to happen. (We will just leave my infection now as a minor hiccup) Now through all of this, I got a wonderful job. I actually was able to use some of my degree as well. The people are great as well as the company. And I actually can say I am really happy there. Throughout all my sickness, they never once though of letting me go and I still have this job. I told them over and over again how grateful I was to them for this. Im just glad that there are still people out there who look at the quality of work you have done and take that in when you have to be out so much. I have worked my butt of for them but I dont mind it all. So Im sort of glad that other job didnt work out because I am so much happier here. So I guess getting so sick was a good thing because it made the doctors realize that I did need the kidney out. I was tired of playing roulette with my life and the right decision was made. I just wish we could have done it sooner. But if we had, again, I wouldnt have got this job that I had. Its funny how life works out sometimes...

I knew after the divorce and I got sick, that moving in with my parents was the only thing I could do. If I had been working, I could have gotten my own place but when you no income coming in, it sort of like, I had no choice. Im thankful that they live where I do so it was just basically moving across town. I couldnt imagine living in another state or city far away and this happening. But they were able to help while I was recovering and they helped with Drew. So even though right when I got home from surgery I wasnt able do much, I could still see my son. Now I have to admit, after you have been out of the house for a long while, you tend to get into your own routine. And so do they. So when you have to try and combine two totally different routines, it becomes stressful. In fact. my sister told me her Christmas present to me was for me not to buy anything for them so I could save my money so I could get out before we killed each other. =) And when Drew is here, it gets worse. Just because I let him do things and its get on my parents nerves and well... its just like I cant get out of here fast enough. I love them to death. I love that they let me live here. I love that they help with Drew when Im not feeling well. I love the fact that they help me even when I dont ask. And at times, yes, Im running for the door just to get out for a while but Im very grateful for their help and love during all of this. And I love the fact that I can still depend on them for anything. I have met some people who cant say that about their parents and it makes me appreciate mine even more. But you can bet as soon as I have the money saved up, Im out.=)

So those are the positives that I am trying to stay focused on. Of course Im thankful for more things such as family and friends but when I look back at the bad and stay focused on the good in them, it makes me even more grateful.

I hope you and your family have a very Happy Thanksgiving!