So thats why?

"Everything happens for a reason." Its one of those phrases that you either believe or dont believe. Most of the time it is said to someone who is going through a hard time. I cant tell you how many times it was said to me and although the thoughts in my head were far from what I actually said, I just shook my head with a facial expression that Im sure said something else. But I was thinking about this today for some reason. Its funny to go back and think of all the bad things that have happened and what I actually gained from it. And then you can go back even further and even one different move in your past could have actually effected your whole life. So while that phrase can be a thorn in your side at the moment, it can actually help you also realize how you got to where you are. Now there are still some things that I dont understand and am still dealing with but for the most part, there are people in life now that I would have never had known if not for past events. And a lot of God has intervened and made it possible. For example, if I hadnt had of switched churches, I would have never helped out at VBS. Then I would have met two certain people and I would have never had been able to make such a good friend out of it. Also I would have never got the chance to attend this awesome Bible study we are doing and also I would have never met a pretty amazing guy. I could even go back further than that but to save you all from yawning I wont. I try not to say I regret whats happened in my past because it has made me the person I am today. All the tears and feeling alone were worth if it got me this far. God will never leave us alone but sometimes we have to go through trials to learn to depend on him. I look at what I have in my life right now. And who is in my life. And I dont try to ask why. I just say thank you. Because a lot of doubts and questions filled me before and now some of them are being answered and I owe nothing to myself but I owe it to God for reminding me that he is always there. And I dont know what plans he has for me. But I do know as long as trust and believe that he is able that everything will be okay=)

My New Years Resolution - Not To Have One

So how many of you made New Years Resolutions? How many of you have kept them? How many have not? This is not a post to make you feel bad or not to say you won't keep them.  This is my post to say my new years resolution is. notta. Zilch. Nothing. Not to say there are things I do want to see happen, but I have a hard time facing failure. Simply put, there are days when thats all I can see. So why would I want to say to myself that Im going to do this and then tell a bunch of people the same thing. And in a couple of days, weeks, months or whenever the time frame be, tell the same people. including myself, that I had indeed not kept it, or failed. I just do not want to set myself up something that I am not sure I can keep. Now yes there are some great ones out there. And there are def reachable ones. But they can become stuff I strive for. They can become goals but I don't set a deadline. Deadlines just pressure me and  then I tend not to do them. Like when someone is yelling at me to do something then and now, I just all of a sudden don't want to do it. And the more its repeated the more I rebel. I have always been like that. I dont like doing things when people tell me to do them. I feel like they have no faith in me to get stuff done without being told constantly. So in return, I don't do it. Then after a time passes. I will get this sudden burst of okay I am now going to do it. And I will. I just dont like pressure. I dont like being pushed to do stuff when I know Im capable. This gives me no chance to prove to anyone I am first of an adult and second of all that I dont have to be reminded thirty thousand times in the span of 10 minutes that something is waiting on me. I have eyes and ears and senses. I can see that. I don't know if its a part of me I will ever be able just to lay aside and do it but until then, even when myself is yelling at myself,  its just in one ear and out the other. Now to me, doing it before being told would be the correct thing. I know that. And yes its something I need to work on. Point being, this is an ongoing thing and a goal I can set for myself. But I will not call it a New Years resolution. That would be a hard one to explain anyhow lol. Everyone has the common ones. Where yes I have those too but again, I dont set it in my head or even in my planners as a set date and time that I want it to be done.
Patience. It is something I lack. I have patience for stranger things but I do not have patience when it comes it comes to life in general. I mean, who really does? How many times a day do you get frustrated because you have to wait on something. Even as small as your phone to charge or your coffee to be ready. When you stop and think about it, patience is a virtue many of us lack. Mine goes into deeper territory as in when is my life finally going to get into order. And Im inpatient over things I cannot control. But when you stop and think about past things that you have waited for, then it seems to be worth the wait. But its only until after those things come back that you can truly say that. And while you are waiting, we just have to believe that the timing is somehow making things come together. That certain things have to happen before the final product is ready. And sometimes these things can and will take longer than we like. Its just life. And something we have to accept. I dont like it. I dont want to accept it but if life is teaching me anything it is def patience. But I can also say that I think the lesson has gone on long enough and Im ready now. LOL.
To those of you who have set a New Years Resolution, I hope you keep it and meet it. And for those like me, maybe you can find something to try and reach for and finally get it. And maybe your patience will pay off. And hopefully 2018 will be much better than 2017 and the years before that.

BA

Another and And Another year has past...

First of all I cannot believe I finally got logged back in here! I was trying to set up a new one but so glad I got this one back! Something about going back and reading some of these is pretty amazing.
Second of all, I really do hope to get back in the habit of keeping this updated. I used to receive so much positive feedback and encouragement, from people I didn't even know, and that meant so much to me!
So yes another year has gone by and again, a year of ups and downs and what ifs and a lot of shoulder shrugging. And I cannot say much has changed. Drew is in double digits now. My sister is in North Carolina and I am still, yes in the same living situation. This disability case is at least making some progress. Whether towards good or bad, I am not sure. All I can do is keep praying that something will turn out right. It seems like every where I turn, something messes up. And although always not all my fault, I seem to always place the blame on me. I would just rather take the hit then see someone else suffer through it.
So I don't set New Years Resolutions. It always makes me feel pressured to get it done. Like I tell 20 people this is what I am going to do and then when I don't do it, it's even worse acknowledging the fact that I failed. And that is not something needs to have on their shoulders at all. So I set more manageable goals. Like small things. Things I know that I can do and keep doing throughout the year. And most of the time they stay written in my journal as a reminder to me that I can do it.
I think of all the crud I caught this past year, though, I have learned  many lessons from them. I guess the most important one, and the one I was missing the whole time, was to basically just be me. If you can find yourself and do what makes you happy, then that should be what matters. Your happiness should never be dependent on anyone else. You are the only one that knows you. You know what makes you smile, laugh and enjoy life. Now while sharing that with others is a wonderful thing, you overall, are the one that sets that goal for you. So be happy. If you have to go back a couple of years to a place where life was good and even though there may have been struggles, you fought through them. Even if you have to go back 10 or more years. Find that person and be that person. For me that person was in high school. And some even years after. But I was surrounded by people I loved. Even though situations were different, I can still pick out moments, and things that made me smile every day. And those still exist. So thats my goal. To find that girl. To find that person that smiled and laughed every day and found the sunshine when it was raining. There has to be a rainbow somewhere. And even though, as i type this, I havent seen it yet, I know that the promise is there. And I know that I will get there. And I know I am not alone. One of other other things I am doing in my journal is writing at least one thing I am thankful for. Each day. And therefore in a couple of months, I can go back and look at the things I am the most grateful for. Cause I am. I am very blessed and even though I tend to forget it, its never too far away.
So I hope that for the new year, whatever your resolution be or goals be, that you stay motivated. And dont think yourself as a failure if you dont meet them. It just gives you an opportunity to do it again. But most overall, be happy. Stay positive and see that rainbow. Because even though you may be struggling right now, you are strong enough to handle it. Happy New Year everyone!

BA

Another year has gone...

So its 2017. A new year and new outlook. I havent done such a grand job of keeping up with this. I was on a roll then bam! Everything came to hault. Well yea pretty much everything. So I apologize for my slacking and maybe get this going again.

So what have you missed while I have been keeping you all in the dark? Well not much. Still in the same position I was this time last year. I guess the only difference is I am back with my parents again while my bestie moved to Texas. Yes people, Texas. Over 13 hours away. It was soo hard saying goodbye but it had to be done. He has a new job and is closer to his family. He seems to be happier. Things were just not going right. So Im glad  ( okay well not too glad ) that he has found a place and a job and seems to be on a great track. I however am still stuck in the mud at moment. But I will slowly come out.

Which brings me to the point. The reason I wanted to start this over again. So this last year has been hard. It has had its ups and plenty of downs. Probably more of the downs but I promised myself not to focus on those as much.

So I have a lot on my plate. A lot that I havent really faced face to face. Things I keep putting in the back of my mind. Like when theres that food on your plate and you keep eating around it. You have thrown it out so many times but finally someone makes you taste it. And you either go in full force and throw it down so you wont have to taste it. Or you just pick until its either gone or you get throw it away again. But it will always re appear. Until you deal with it, it will always be there. For me, my plate is full and probably overflowing to another plate. And I keep raking it in the trash. And it keeps coming back. I dont want to deal. That would put me in the position of having to do or say things Im not ready to. Cause I know the outcome, I always do. And as much as I want to at least one time in my life to be wrong, I would be right. Its like you know whats going to happen so why actually do it? 

Okay so there are a million reasons to but I see the one reason not to. I dont wanna. I simply dont want to bring up something Ive been ignoring for the past year just to revisit it again in real life. I can have the conversation with myself. I can tell myself the answer and let it slide right? 

Okay so no. Why do we do this to ourselves? I mean hello. I am living proof that life can cut off at any given time. Why not hold on to some sort of hope that there may be good come out of things. But when you get hit in the head so many times its like nope. And you sulk and you pout and you sing pathetic songs just to drag yourself down again. 

So I guess I have to face them. And its nothing bad. Its not like Im gonna be hauled off somewhere. It has to do with more me and only me. Yes the conversation where I sit down and talk to myself. And listen. And not bypass it. 

So my new year resolution? To be honest with myself. To kick myself in the butt. To tell myself what I would tell anyone. To finally face stuff. To get over stuff. To move on. To be happy. To be gracious. All of that and more.. so another new year and another new ride. We will see where I end up.

Till next time..

Whoa! What just happened??

Did my life actually take a turn for the better? When all of a sudden the future seemed so doomed, something happened. Eric moved last Tuesday which was horrible. It was a bad night and he didnt even want to see me to say goodbye which killed me. BUT the same night I met a guy. Yes a guy. And for the first time, we sat at at coffee shop at talked for like 3 hours. And the conversation just flowed. I felt at ease and I was so nervous before I got there. But it was wonderful. And all these things I had in mind that I would see other couples do on "dates" I always remember saying, I want that. And guess what.. he asked me out again. He is a couple years older but does not like it. So if I feel like it, we are supposed to be going putt putt golfing. Which is awesome. Only issues is now my health comes into play. I am still not over my infection and they want to me go to U of L ER and more than likely be admitted. So they can figure out what to do. They can do better than SJE or any other hospitals around here. They are also referring me to Cleveland Clinic to see if they can give me some answers. Which Im glad of because I am miserable from the pain and discomfort. But also scared Im gonna lose the one chance of meeting and getting to know someone great. Im broken. But he seemed to understand the not working and disability and stuff. And living with my parents so that was a plus. Its just life yay for getting me fixed and yay for finding someone great so far. What the crap? Is life playing tricks again?
I will keep this short but just wanted to fill everyone in. I miss Eric like crazy but we still keep in touch. And this other guy, if its in Gods will, he will understand.

Cya!

Lifes About Changing Nothing Ever Stays The Same

I remember reading a book or watching movies about kids moving away and having to say goodbye to their best friends. I was lucky to never have to face that until graduation. Even then it was expected so saying goodbye was bound to come. It's when you don't see it coming or even when you know it's going but you try to drag it out and put it in the back of your mind. And then when it comes. When that night before you have to say goodbye comes. it hits you like a wrecking ball.
I know technology has made it so easy keep in touch. With texting, FaceTime, its harder not to keep in contact. But its not the same. Hearing someones voice over the phone is not the same as talking to them. Telling them goodbye over the phone is not the same as a hug. The places we always went and ate won't be the same. The games we used to play. The shows we used to watch. None of it. Everything will have a good memory attached to it. But it will hurt. I don't know how long. But it will hurt. To fight for something so hard and watch it eave is one of the toughest things I will ever encounter. All I want is for him to happy. And he has to leave to do so. And I can say that to him and to anyone anytime when deep inside its a whole different ballgame.
I never knew I would fall in love again. I never knew Id be so lucky to meet someone so amazing who has turned my life around. And even though we couldn't really date, he became best friend. Someone I could depend on time after time for anything. The day he asked me to move in is a day I will never forget. But the timing wasn't right. And we both knew it was coming. It was like if I wasn't dragging it out, he was. And now tomorrow. as I say goodbye and hug and kiss him for the last time, Im gonna walk away thankful that I was able to have in my life. And thankful that he still will be. But Im gonna walk away with tears because we al have that selfish part of us that wants what we want. Its gonna be a tough days to come. And while he may never know how much he has has meant to me I have done everything to tell and show him. I hope Texas treats him well. I hope he finds what he needs and most of all I hope he's happy. Me? Ill survive. I have in the past and I will now. Just something else for me to get over. In time, I know I will. In time...

Awesome cover of "Chasing Cars" on Smule: http://www.smule.com/p/402925226_255046893Awesome cover of "Chasing Cars" on Smule: http://www.smule.com/p/402925226_255046893

Not just an app...

After everything I have been through, it still amazes me how God can take the simplest things and basically turn your life around. Even things like an app. Yes, an app on your smartphone. Some people use these apps as their escape from the real world. A way to get away even if its just for a moment. But in that moment, we aren’t in reality. We are in a fantasy world, whether its fighting off dragons, building your farm, or even building an amusement park. In that moment, that’s where we are. Some call it a distraction, stress relievers, but for me it has turned into something a lot different than that.

A couple months ago, I found this app by Smule. I was already hooked on their Magic Piano and so I decided to give this one called, Sing, a go. Its like karaoke on your phone. You can sing by yourself or you can duet with others. You can join them or they can join you. What I thought was just another way to pass time has actually turned out to be one of the best things I have found in a long time.

After a while, you find people and you can follow them and they, in return can follow you. So whenever they post a song, you can join in. And whenever you post a song they can see and join as well. A couple of weeks into it I found I was joining the same people over and over. You find people you can relate with and who your voice sounds good with. And even if you join them a hundred times, they more than likely are singing with you as well.

I have become very lucky to sing with so many talented singers and songwriters. And even have gotten to know a couple outside of the app. Music has always been something that brings people together. You overlook everything else but their love for music. I am happy to say I have made many friends over this app and talk with some on a regular basis. What turned out to be an app has now become a way for me to express myself, not be judged and talk to other people who have been down the same road. You build this community of people and you know they are always going to be there for you even in the middle of the night.

We may all live in different states and may not ever even meet but I consider them my friends, I know if I never need to talk or vent they are there to listen and that’s all anyone can ever ask for. Music has this unique way of doing that.

There are three people, specifically, that I talk to. Whenever I am having a bad day or just need to talk, they are there. And while they may not know it, I am forever grateful for that. There are some major changes going on in my life at the moment, but the music will always stay the same. And because of this app, I have come to know 3 awesome people that I know I can always count on for support in no matter what I do.

So to those people (you know who you are) your kind words and voices have meant the world to me these past few weeks. I am so glad to have found this app and I am even more glad to call you my friends. You all are special and have this amazing talent and I am so happy that I get to experience both your voices and friendship. God works in mysterious ways and I am a true believer. He knew I needed people and gave me you all. You may not ever know what your words have meant to me but just know I will be here for you in return. And while I hope one day to meet you in person, I at least know your just a song away… Keep writing, keep singing and keep being the awesome people you are!