Fight For You

I have tried to write this blog for a time. I have drafts over drafts but I just couldn't find the words. Most of you know I had a major surgery that kept me in the hospital for 2 weeks and then came home. A couple of days later, I went septic again. Luckily this time we caught it in time. But just to hear the doctor tell you that if I had waited any longer, I may not have made it because my body couldn't handle it again. And if I ever go septic again, my chances of survival would be low. It really doesn't sink in when they tell you that until you get home and then it sinks in then. What would have happened if I would have just waited to see if my temperature would go down. But when it hit 104.0 I knew I had to do something. I am so grateful for the nurses and doctor at SJE ER. There quick actions literally saved my life. Everyone was so calm. Even when my nurse saw my temperature at 105.3 that night, she knew I was in trouble, but she did what she had to do very calmly even though I knew that my body was going septic again. All I could think about was please God let this work. Im not through. And slowly my temp came down and each day got better and eventually came home. 

I kept thinking, God is not through with me yet. After almost dying 2 times, not as bad as the first time, I knew I had a purpose. 

At the same time, I was signing the final of my divorce papers. So it was like I came out a new person and starting a new chapter in my life. Theres a song by Sidewalk Prophets called " Help Me Find It " and I believe in this song so much.

 I don't know where to go from here 
It all used to seem so clear 
I'm finding I can't do this on my own 

I don't know where to go from here 
As long as I know that You are near 
I'm done fighting 
I'm finally letting go 

I will trust in You 
You've never failed before 
I will trust in You 


If there's a road I should walk 
Help me find it 
If I need to be still 
Give me peace for the moment 
Whatever Your will 
Whatever Your will 
Can You help me find it 

Can You help me find it 

I'm giving You fear and You give faith 
I giving You doubt
You give me grace 
For every step I've never been alone 

Even when it hurts, You'll have Your way 
Even in the valley I will say 
With every breath 
You've never let me go 

I will wait for You 
You've never failed before 
I will wait for You 


The lyrics are just so touching. And thats what Im searching for. I also am searching for who I was before everything came tumbling down with my marriages and my health. Its funny how when you pray and you ask God to place someone in your life to help you, it happens. One of very best friends, Jennifer Reed,  from grade school is still one of my very best friends, I have known her since I was 7. We could go a year without talking and then all of a sudden start talking again like had been talking for years. Thats the kind of friendship I think everyone should have. We had been texting and I was telling her about how sad it is that when I don't have Drew, I don't do anything. She starts to tell me how I need to find myself and this is the perfect time. The following is a post that she texted me and I thought I would share it given that I needed to hear it but how she hit it on the head.

LOL sometimes that's not a bad thing. But you gotta understand with me, I remember THAT girl. She's the one I knew the best. Before Chris. We were young yes, but that's still you. You just have to find her again. You were confident and you liked what you liked and wanted what you wanted and now life has been trying to slowly take that and your dreams away from you. You've fought for your marriages, you've fought for your son and lately you've even had to literally fight for your life....again....but when is it ever going to be time for you to really fight for her? The person you were before every bad thing in this world tried to take it away from you? Because I personally think, now is the time. God has given you a gift even though it might not seem it right now. And after some thought I think maybe it's all been leading you here. He allowed to see both Chris and Ramon for they really were. Not right away always, but with some time He did. And I just think maybe instead of worrying about someone else it's time to fight for and take your own life back. Just your own and just for you. I often think about what I want Dawson to see in me. What I really want him to learn from me. And I don't want it to be that I was afraid of being alone or afraid of messing up. I would much rather him be proud of me for showing strength where most people would have weakness. And I want him to know it's okay to go after your dreams and the things that matter to you, even if you fail sometimes. I just want him to be proud of me in the end. And I think showing Drew and yourself who you really are would accomplish all of that. And even more, I think you'd be proud of yourself for it too. It makes all the difference. 

It took me a while to get through because I was crying. But she always has a way to say exactly what I need to hear. So Im taking that advice, Im staying still and listening to God. And I am going to be find myself again. I want that girl back, even the girl that was with Chris. I was happy. I was involved in church. I was always willing to go to places and not afraid to do things on my own. I knew who I was. And like Jen said in her text, life was literally trying to take every part of me away. My marriages, my health. I have had to fight for all of it. And it has drained me. And I can't let that do that anymore. I have a 6 year old who loves no matter what. He is my world. He makes me smile and I know he loves me no matter what. I need to be a better mother, daughter, friend and sister. I have been hurt too much and I can't allow that to get me down. I want Drew to see his mother as a strong person that can stand up and fight through anything. 

Its going to take time, I know. But I will stand still and let God show me his will and his purpose for letting me live again. 

To everyone who prayed, or even though of me through my sickness or visited, thank you. I have no doubt that prayer and faith god me through this again. Gods not done with me yet and I can't wait to see what he has in store for me.