Not just an app...

After everything I have been through, it still amazes me how God can take the simplest things and basically turn your life around. Even things like an app. Yes, an app on your smartphone. Some people use these apps as their escape from the real world. A way to get away even if its just for a moment. But in that moment, we aren’t in reality. We are in a fantasy world, whether its fighting off dragons, building your farm, or even building an amusement park. In that moment, that’s where we are. Some call it a distraction, stress relievers, but for me it has turned into something a lot different than that.

A couple months ago, I found this app by Smule. I was already hooked on their Magic Piano and so I decided to give this one called, Sing, a go. Its like karaoke on your phone. You can sing by yourself or you can duet with others. You can join them or they can join you. What I thought was just another way to pass time has actually turned out to be one of the best things I have found in a long time.

After a while, you find people and you can follow them and they, in return can follow you. So whenever they post a song, you can join in. And whenever you post a song they can see and join as well. A couple of weeks into it I found I was joining the same people over and over. You find people you can relate with and who your voice sounds good with. And even if you join them a hundred times, they more than likely are singing with you as well.

I have become very lucky to sing with so many talented singers and songwriters. And even have gotten to know a couple outside of the app. Music has always been something that brings people together. You overlook everything else but their love for music. I am happy to say I have made many friends over this app and talk with some on a regular basis. What turned out to be an app has now become a way for me to express myself, not be judged and talk to other people who have been down the same road. You build this community of people and you know they are always going to be there for you even in the middle of the night.

We may all live in different states and may not ever even meet but I consider them my friends, I know if I never need to talk or vent they are there to listen and that’s all anyone can ever ask for. Music has this unique way of doing that.

There are three people, specifically, that I talk to. Whenever I am having a bad day or just need to talk, they are there. And while they may not know it, I am forever grateful for that. There are some major changes going on in my life at the moment, but the music will always stay the same. And because of this app, I have come to know 3 awesome people that I know I can always count on for support in no matter what I do.

So to those people (you know who you are) your kind words and voices have meant the world to me these past few weeks. I am so glad to have found this app and I am even more glad to call you my friends. You all are special and have this amazing talent and I am so happy that I get to experience both your voices and friendship. God works in mysterious ways and I am a true believer. He knew I needed people and gave me you all. You may not ever know what your words have meant to me but just know I will be here for you in return. And while I hope one day to meet you in person, I at least know your just a song away… Keep writing, keep singing and keep being the awesome people you are!

Its that time of year....

So its that time of year again. The time for family, for friends, for traditions, and making new memories. For me, its my favorite time of year. I love when the trees start changing, the cold air filters, the shopping starts and then of course Thanksgiving and my favorite of all time. Christmas. 

As a little girl, I can remember everything we did for each holiday. Its something called tradition. And the tradition seemed to never break. This is something I embraced and cherished and loved that every year I could look forward to the same thing, the same people and the same memories. Through all of the changes in my life, these were the things that didn't change. That was until a couple of years  ago. 

Instead of looking forward to these get togethers, it became more of "who is having it"and " when is it" kind of thing.. Are we so concerned now with the inconvenience and who is bringing what and who is coming to sit back and think about what this holiday truly means? 

For everyone it has a different meaning. For me, I am just thankful. If there is one thing in my life that has been constant, its the fact that my family have been close and always been supportive. We used to live close by ( literally in the same city ) but now we have become more spread apart so getting together has become more difficult. Kids grow up, get married, and then have other responsibilities. Things do change but I just wish holidays weren't one of them. Whenever I first started dating, my first words to him were "Christmas Eve, I go to my nanny's and that doesn't change." Okay so maybe I was little unforgiving on this one, but its a tradition I refused to give up. And I didn't. We worked around it but I was still there and the same people were always there. Now with the addition of kids, it has made it even better. I don't care about the presents. Its just being around family that I love. I am very lucky to have most of my family still here and I treasure every moment I can spend with them. We used to have each holiday on each side of the family. Christmas was by far the best. We would have it on my dads side, then that night we would go to my nanny's. I can remember driving home at night and watching the sky for glimpse of Santa. Its one of my favorite memories I will forever cherish.

Now that I have Drew I want to start making memories for him. This year is going to be slightly different however. His dad and I split Christmas mornings, meaning each year he wakes up with Santa at either my place or his dads. This year just happens to be his dad's turn and this year my parents will not be here. After accidentally spilling the beans to Drew, and watching him get upset, I realized I was truly upset about it as well. For the first time in 33 years, I will wake up on Christmas morning with nobody. Christmas Eve, however, will not change and I plan on still having it. Hopefully my bestie will be here and I won't be totally alone but its just the thought. ( My parents are going to my sisters this year for the first time to spend it with them ) 

I try not to be selfish and Im glad that my nieces and nephews get to spend Christmas with them. I just have to remember to be blessed that I have family. I have friends and a son who I will get later that day. It may not be this year, or next year but I will start making memories for me and Drew. Whether I am with someone or not, I want him to have those memories.

So as we come upon this time of year, stop and think. Are we grateful? Are we blessed? For those who have lost family members, think of this as a time for remembering them and treasuring the times you had with them. It should be a joyous time and a time of love and laughter. Don't let the hustle and bustle get in the way. Take time to be with those around you. You never know when it may be your last. 

God works in funny ways

Some days when you think you are at the end of everything and nothing seems to be going right, we are reminded that there are people out there that care for you , even people you may not have thought about recently. The other night, I had had a bad day. I was overwhelmed with some stuff and was just ready to call it a night when I got a Facebook message. I was surprised at first when I saw the name and the simple hi. The hi was followed with "You have been on my heart lately and I have been thinking of you." I almost dropped the phone when I read this and I just laughed. I thought to myself, wow, God really is looking out for me.
The message was from a friend of mine in high school whom I lost touch with after graduation but I had followed her on Facebook and knew she was going through a lot of health problems as well. She went on to tell me how she read my blog and how it inspired her and she often felt the same thing that I was going through. In just 2 short sentences, messages, she had my day from bad to inspiring. I knew I had some comments about how my blogs had helped people but to help someone like her really hit home.
Her health issues outweigh mine but she is still one of the most positive people I have ever met, even in high school she always had a smile on her face and was on the nicest and caring people I had ever met. Even though states divide us, its nice to know that technology can still bring us together.
I have been told my blogs are too personal at times and that I give too many details. But I have a crazy life. Its not normal, and it really has never been. But I know I am not the only one out there who experiences what I go through and I also know I have it easy probably compared to others. But I write because not only does it make me feel better but if I can encourage one person, help one person or just make someone smile, then I have done what I set out to do. I don't write just to write. I write to release. I write what is on my heart and if its too much sometimes, then I can't take those words  back. But I can't help people by hiding behind my feelings. I can't be that encouraging word if I can't type it.
So to the person who sent me the message (you know who you are)
Thank you for the encouraging words. Thank you for the thoughts and words and prayers. I don't know how you knew to message me on that night, but you helped me in more ways than you will ever know. I love that I can message you anytime and I know you will be there. Even though we haven't spoke since high school or seen each other, I still consider you a good friend. I am too praying for you and your family. Thank you for being an inspiration to me and I will always be thankful for your friendship.
To the rest of you, take the time to tell someone hi and that you are thinking of them. They may need those words and even though you may not hear back, you may have just made their day.

Surrender

In a previous blog on my other website ( which Im just keeping this one ) I talked about surrendering. When its something you truly believe in, you should not surrender, yet keep fighting for what you love. Fight for what you need and fight for what your heart and gut it telling you too. Yet, how far do we fight before we finally have to eave the white flag. All I know is that it has to be your decision and not someone else. You are the one that stood fighting for so long so you should be the one to finally lay it all down and surrender.
Its hard because people will look at you and say you gave up. They will say you backed down and that you were weak in that moment and it will beat you down. What they dont no is maybe you have been fighting for it for much longer than they think. Maybe months or even years. We are capable of silent fighting. We are capable of letting nobody even remotely close that they cant see that we are standing our ground and doing everything we can to make something work. The other side may not even see it. Our planning and scheming may have come without them blinking an eye. And then when we come to that point, the point of not return, thats when when we have to make the decision.
One path leads you safely away and you never have to face your demons in the past so you surrender there, go on with your life and say well I tried. But did you? The other path is led with rocks and mud and your past haunts all the way up but the decision to surrender is much harder. You face your enemy in the eye and give them all you got. You battle plan is now in action. Whether you surrender of not depends on their response and whether you have anything left in you.
I cant lie. As I write this post, I am fighting back every tear I have to get through this. My surrender may not lie to an enemy. It may not lie as a battle field but it lies in 1 person. A person who I have given everything and sacrificed a lot for over the past year. I probably should have surrendered a long time ago but never did. My heart was telling me no, you have never had feelings like this, fight this one out to the end. But by doing so, my past has come back, I have watched people come and go and still have him in sight. I have never fought this hard over anything or anybody. But I cant surrender. I have grabbed for the flag many times, but something in me has said no, put it back. I have told you about the what its. How I dont know want to live my life with my what ifs. How I have want to be lying on my death bed and have no regrets. Giving up now would be the greatest regret I have ever done. And while its shredding me to pieces and stabbing my heart, I have to believe. I have to be the one to stand up and fight for us. I know its in there.I know he loves me and thats what is so bad.
So as I play with this idea of surrendering, I refuse. I take my flag out and stomp on it and say maybe later. And while it may be tearing every inch of me up, I will not surrender on this one. I will not.

Just Jump!

Get your bathing suit on. Walk down to the pool. Take your time straightning out of your towel and hide your belongings underneath the lounge chair. Take your cover off (make sure you look around first and then make your necessary adjustments so that nobody sees you) and park your flip flops by the chair. Move your eyes around the edge of the pool. Pick a spot where nobody is and starting walking. You may dip your hand in and or even your foot to do a quick test of the water. Get to the very edge and hang your feet over just a little to just where when you look down you see your toes and then the water. From here, there are several choices. You can fall in. Just close your eyes and fall and let the water catch you. You can jump in. You can bend your knees and jump or you can take a run at it and really jump in. Or you can have someone push you. Or you can have someone push you without you. Or you can sit on the edge and dandlge your legs in the water. And then slide in. You can use a ladder and ease your way in. You can dive in. Or you can simply walk away. Get back in the lounge chair where you are comfortable and watch from the safety of your chair. Either way you choose, you have just made a choice. Why in the world am I writing about jumping in the water? You know me by now.... isnt this just like life? 

Do we take a running start and just jump or do we walk away because we are scared of the unknown? Do we have to test the waters a little or a lot before we make that choice? Do we willingly fall in or do we need someone to give us a little push. Or are we in and we don't even realize it? We got pushed and and shoved and we look back and we find invisilbe arms. How did we get here? Think about the last time you had to make a decision. How did you get there? Or is it something you are still struggling with? Are you testing the waters or are you starting to make that jump or are you simply walking away?

Different situations call for different approaches. The good, the bad, the ugly, whatever you are about to jump into, calls for different approaches. The water may be a job, a relationship, your family, a dark place, a good place, or it could be simply a new start. What is going through your mind as you stand there and look into the future? Your past comes back to haunt you and the water becomes foggy. Its no longer clear. 

I live life differently. I personally live life as its my last day. Its my last chance to do something. I dont stare at the water, I jump. I may not always jump with confidence but I jump knowing its new territory. Ive done my research and I know my ways out, but I cant let that water go without exploring it. It may be the best thing thats ever happened or it could be the worse. Either way, I can leave with knowing I did it. Ive been there, done that and its just another stepping stone to the rest of my life. So I have a little problem with people relying too much on their past and not jumping. The past is exactly what it says it is, the past. Why let that hinder your presence or even your future? Learn from your mistakes and move on. If you live your life based on all your past decisions, you will never know what you are capable of. You may never know what will make you happy. You may never know that the past was wrong and you are now a different person with different outlooks. 

I try not to live with "what ifs". Or regrets. I dont want to look back and say what if... I dont think many people do. But if we keep standing at the edge just looking abd backing away, those what if's are going to keep building. But if you are comfortable and happy with playing it safe, then play it safe. Never step off of that ledge. But you will also not know what might have been. 

So nex time you are starting at the water, dont let someone push you in or pull you out. Take the plunge. Follow your gut, your heart and your mind. Go for it. Who you are when you are standing at the end, will leave you with a smile no matter the outcome. Live. 

Silent Communicators

In this day of age, its the ding we wait for. That sound that someone is responding to you or talking to you. That infamous "Ding!" coming from your phone. Back then, it came in forms of letters, or just plain talking. I sort of miss those days. Its like we have become silent communicators.  We hide behind technology so we can say what we want without having to stand face to face with the outcome, good or bad. I could give you loads of examples, but how many times have you confronted someone over email, text or even Facebook messaging? Why? Were you too scared to say it to them or were you scared their answer was not going to be what you looked for. Maybe it was because you didn't want to confront them but then you realize oh I can just type this and send and maybe it wont hurt so much. Or does it?
The problem with technology is its staying power. Not only does it keep things around, it can be a constant reminder of the situation. Yes, you can delete the emails, delete the texts but can you really delete the words you read over and over? And then questions just start rolling in. Why did they say this? Did they mean for it to sound this way? We read everything out of context. We can take a simple answer or just not receiving an answer as a really bad thing. We can spin those words into anything we want. After all, the person on the other side is not their to defend their selves or even explain. So we have to take what we see on the screen or not see on the screen as it is. And the cycle just goes on...
Sure, writing a letter may have been a way of hiding behind stuff but at least it was a little more personal and nothing the whole word can see. Then came Facebook. Now dont get me wrong, I have used this as an outlet for many things. It can be a great way to communicate to everyone without having to make phone calls, or even leaving your couch. But when does that line get crossed? How many times have you scrolled down your newsfeed and find someones rant on how someone has done that person wrong. And then worse, they can tag that person in the post so that everyone now knows. And they have one side to read and thats yours. Unless they start an all out Facebook war, which I have seen happen, its quite disturbing. People are quick to judge and you automatically go from reading those words to pretending you know the whole situation. They are just words. I could easily go right now and post something bad about someone. I can make this whole thing up and just let you all, the readers, my audience, take what they want from it. What they dont know is the other person may be in the dark about what happened. They may not have a single clue about a huge lie that has been spread to 1000+ people on Facebook. And they are quickly and silently being judged. Has technology really done this to us? Have we become more angry, shallow, judging, and loud just to hide behind something? Do we use this as a good or bad outlet? They are just letters. Letters that you put together to make a word. Words used to make a sentence and sentences used to make a paragraph. But in using these letters and words, are we doing any good? Or are we just knocking people down left and right so we can feel better about ourselves. Sort of like your secret redemption. It really is becoming a disturbing world we live in.
Now Im not saying technology in a whole is bad. It can be of some good. Its when you take advantage of it for your own good that it becomes a problem. I too am a victim of reading into something way to fast that I have tortured myself over it. I would send a text and not get a response in what I think is a timely manner and it drives me nuts. What you dont see is the other person. What if their phone isnt on? Or maybe simply, they just dont have it. The reasons behind a missing text can be a simple answer yet we can make it something way more difficult. Why not just use your phone, dial the number and actually talk to them? Or heck, even if you dont want to do that at least leave a voicemail to where they can hear you. Sometimes a voice message, even though still sort of hiding, is better because they can your words and they dont have to decipher quite as much as what your meaning is behind it. I have left plenty of voicemails before. And yes, its easier but still, communication is simply slipping away.
So my challenge for you is take the time to talk to someone. If yo are mad or angry or confused even, talk to them. Dont rant about it on Facebook. Dont write an angry email (especially when your emotions are in charge) Dont say something you cant take back. Because as soon as you hit that send button its out of your hands. And there is no taking back what you may have said. Dont hide behind a screen. Pick up the phone. Sometimes a simple phone call just saying hey or how are you doing can mean more to someone than you may ever know.

Hard Post....

I havent written in a while and partially because I spent the whole month of July in the hospital.. surprise surprise.. After a serious UTI, meds, 2 blood transfusions, 4 bags of iron and rest, after 22 days, I was released. I dont really remember much but I did have surgery, blew about 15 ivs and had 3 central lines placed ( because the radiologist messed up but thats a whole different story ) but I came out alive, once again and started to realize I was on the same road I was before. I had lost my job because, well they cant really hold your position when you are out that long, so here there I was. After going to my follow up drs appts, and realizing everything was going to back to normal, I realized one night, I had to do something. I was like stuck in this pattern and something had to give. I didnt know what, but as you all know, things do happen for a reason.
I have longed ago realized that people like to compare their lives to others. They like to make assumptions. They like to think that they have it all and if someone makes a move that they dont agree with, then they can either A) mind their own business  or B) make a fuss. Now I could make a fuss but I choose choice A. I used to think that what others thought of me mattered but not really anymore.
Sometimes in life you have to be selfish. You have to think of whats best for your and your kids if you have them and make the right move. I think we all have this part of our gut that tells us whether we are wrong or right and we may ignore it from time to tim but most of the time we do pay attention. Funny thing is, my gut said not a word to me. So as as begin to think about a new chapter, a new start, I also have to think about swallowing my pride and doing whats best for me and Drew. Keeping a job is really out of the picture at the moment, so disability it is. Funny thing is my lawyer said I should have got it a long time ago but heres where it gets me.
I look at Facebook often. I see my friends with careers, families and growing families and its tough to look at at times. I mean they are out there contributing to the world. They are out there making names for themselves. The biggest name I can make for myself would probably be in a medical journal cause nobody can figure me out. I am a 33 year old who has an adorable awesome son, awesome parents and amazing support system. So why am I complaining? Because its not what I saw coming for myself.
When I first got married, it was every girls dream. I married my best friend, we had a house and we started a family. We both had good jobs and then, as you all know, my life crumbled. That was my first test. And then through another marriage and sickeness, God has tested me over and over again. I keep my head held high and a smile on my face because thats all I know to do . But when nobodys looking, that smile can often turn into tears and fear. When you cant see in front of you, how you can possibly move on blindly? But I have. Each day is different and I dont know whats around the corner. But I have done what I feel is best for me and I feel happy about it. I feel like its the best move I could have made at the time and I am proud. And even though I may never have that perfect life, well for me, it has to be perfect. Everyone's perfect is different. And if you are one of those who thing you have it made, well good for you. But dont be so quick to judge others lives. You may never know what they are going through or what they have gone through, so their decisions, while not good in your eyes, may be just what they need.

Until then...

Another Day....

As words have escaped me each time I try to write this, I have now decided I am just going to go with it.
I am not sure the last blog I wrote and what it was about but Im just gonna start with the now. So the now...I have a new job that I love and literally fell in my lap. I have never had a job to where I was so happy. I love my coworkers and love everyone I work with.

As far as the guy things go. This is where things get weird and complicated, however he did me a huge favor. So the guy previously mentioned in past blogs is no longer. And this time, I really mean no longer. And as much as it hurt, as time went by it slowly began to hurt less and less. And some of his words that I didnt pay much attention to then, totally make sense now. And once again, something I didn't agree with or much listen to then, it really starting to make sense now. And I am thankful for that. For once, he was right, I was wrong. And although I will miss his friendship, it was for the best. I wish I had been strong enough to make that decision and not him, but either way. Its another lesson learned. We had some good times and those are what I will remember but in the end it would have never worked out and it was just best to completely let go of everything. And so I have. Its sort of what you have to do to be able to move on.

I have to think of everything I have been through to take the good out of those and focus on what makes me happy. And then learn from the bad. I have had several bumps in the road but those bumps made me into who I am right now. This very minute. If we don't experience those, we may never know who we truly are inside. So the combination of the girl I was back then and who I am now is a very changed, strong happy woman. Who loves her job, her family and is ready to get back out there. I will constantly be fighting my health. Its just something that I cant change. God will take care of that and every part of my life and I love that saying, Let Go and Let God. And I am.

Its not too often that you meet people that believe the same way you do. Or remind you of just exactly what you need to hear. I am lucky enough to have those people. No matter if its a church or home or wherever its like God places them just right where I need them with just the right words I need to hear.

So I fight every day to not let life win. Life has tried so hard to drain me of everything I ever had. And I refuse to let that happen. I start every day with a smile on my face, thank God for what I do have and pray to God that he takes care of the rest of it. I wake up now with a different outlook on life. I dont see the negatives but the positives. In every bad situation, I do believe there is good. And thats God. And thats what you have to focus on.

So as the next chapter of my life goes on, I can honestly say, I have changed. For the better. I am not who I was a year ago. I am someone who is not going to try to change to make someone happy. And as far as relationships go, if they cant accept me for who I really am and I truly believe in, then I wont do it. Patience is a virtue everyone needs. Its something I am working on. But am slowly starting to see how it pays off.

Thanks everyone for the thoughts and prayers. They mean more to me than you will ever know!

So once again, words seem to fail me. I have had so much go on that I am still trying to find a way to share it. Until then I have had a lot of Facebook comments on my last blog which included a video and how many more people wanted more.

So I decided okay.. since I haven't written in a while and I am singing this song in a couple of weeks.
It still needs a little work but I love the words. I am singing just with a acoustic guitar later and it sounds amazing.

Hope you all enjoy and I promise I will get back to writing soon=)

BTW-- I am about to hit 15K Views!! Thats a testament to each one of you watching and reading my blogs! THANKS!!

Click here for the song! Thanks for watching!

I Can Just Be Me

So I had a lot I was going to say in this blog but I decided to mix it up a little. I ran up across this song that Im singing on Sunday. And it spoke to me and sort of went a long with what I was going to write so Im sharing it in this blog. Its not the best quality. And I have my comfy clothes on however I really loved the words and hope you understand why I wanted to share this.

Heres the song!

Hope you enjoy!

BA

Peace

When singing in the contemporary services at Redwing, after the 1st service, the worship team goes in and has a mini devotional. A way we can connect with each other and have our own little group. It gives us time to talk , to listen, and to pray. Half of us know each other but not until we get into that room do we really get to know each other.
This past week I had the privilege of serving there and our devotional was on peace. When asked what people thought of when you first heard the word peace, there were the common answers, you know, the time the kids are in bed and its just you and your time, then there was the 60's and the peace sign, a waterfall, for me it was obviously being at home and not in the hospital. But then one spoke up and said what I think exactly what peace is. Its knowing that even though our day to day conflicts get in the way, our peace is knowing that this is not our life. When we die, theres the ultimate peace. He couldn't have hit it more right.
What is your peace? Often we find peace in our daily routines. We may even schedule that time that gives us that peaceful feeling. We take a couple of deep breaths, we feel our shoulders go down and our body starts to relax. For the mother, its when the kids are in bed and its just you. For the dad it could be the same, You are in your man cave and nobody is bothering you. For me, peace is knowing for right now Im typing this from a house and not a hospital bed. For others its knowing that there is a tomorrow. But how quickly that peace can change. Its beyond our reach. The kid can get out of bed. The kid can come in your man cave. I could end up really sick and back in the hospital. There may not be a tomorrow for some people. But the one peace we can all hold on to is that God is peace. No matter what we are facing here on earth, it doesn't matter because ultimately, we are going to be given that wonderful chance of experiencing eternal peace.
So while I do think its important to have your peaceful moments, because we all need them, we also need to realize that peace is reachable and it can be yours for the rest of your life. You just have to hold on to them. And those unpeaceful moments, well let those be lessons on how you handle those moments. And keep praying that God will handle everything and give you well.. peace.

30 hours straight

Yes. That above is how long I have been awake. Could be stress. Could be this. Could be that. But this and that need to go somewhere. I so envy those of you that can just lay down and go to sleep. For those of us who cant, its a daily struggle. And yes, I was on medicine if you were wondering. But with my recent kidney removal and now renal failure ( 22% --- 20% you go on the transplant list ) I guess I was trying to avoid anything I thought would make it worse. But this has to got to stop.
Anyhow, I have sat down at my computer ( well really, I have had it my lap while on the couch or bed ) and just stared at a blank screen. Either I have nothing or too much to write about. But this morning as I was cruising Facebook. a friend of mine, who also was awake, said something at the end of her status that caught my attention. " Sometimes you just have to count your blessings and go on " I dont know why that struck me, but it at least gave me something to think about ( like I needed anything else going on in this head of mine )
So it makes total sense. With all of the bad in the world and stuff we face on a personal level, its easy to forget those blessings. Even as little as they are. And for me, well, to be honest, they have become quite hazy. Its easy to focus on everything wrong in our lives. Its easy to feel down for ourselves and accept defeat. I dont understand why this is. But hey, I do it too. You tend to overlook the simple things in life. The things that once made you happy. The things we take for granted. For some people the blessings are their " bad " things. Your job, family, home, car, money, relationships... some count these as blessings. Others count them as their downfalls. I could go down the list of everything I have been through and while people look at me and dont blame me, I do overlook the simple things. I guess its because my downfalls are with me everyday. I never know from one day to the next if Im gonna get sick again. Or when it will be the last straw for this kidney of mine. My job is pretty much gone. So its like I get hit in the face over and over again. But right now Im good. I have a wonderful son who loves me no matter what. I have parents that help me and love me. I have a house and a car. And I have friends. So why arent I more focused on those?
Its one of those battles we all face. We all accept defeat in certain aspects in our life. But its those little things called blessings that we need to focus on. So, I guess on those really bad days, the days where you think nothing is going right, take a pen and a piece of paper and write down everything good in your life. It may just help you after all.

Settle

I find myself at a crossroads however there only 1 path that I see. Its the one that is right in front of me. The one that is the closest. The one that I can reach out and touch. The one that has the light. The one that means I have settled. For others, there may be different paths. Some easy. some hard and some unknown. For me, I have settled.
Settling in can be seen as good or bad. In all aspects of life, we all settle. Whether its our job, our family, our relationships, we settle. I had a friend tell me the other day, to go out and get what I want. But what happens when want we want isnt offered to us? What happens when we go out and we fail? Do we get back up? Do we try something new? Or do we just go back to that same old path we have fallen into the last couple months or even years. There are tons of reasons we can tell ourselves. That path is scary. Its dark and gloomy and full of obstacles. Or that path is too narrow or too wide and would force us to be uncomfortable for a while. But what we cant see is what is at the end.
We all know the phrase, take the path least traveled. Easier said than done. For me, it seems my path is full of falling branches. Everywhere I take a step, theres something in my way and it forces me back. Instead of trying to get over it, I back up. Its like I take steps forward and the path is clear and for a moment, its clear. I can see straight ahead and I can imagine anything I want. But then, things start to get in the way. The path becomes dark and I cant see ahead anymore. I stand there for a moment thinking do I press ahead? Or do I go back where it safe. And that is what I have been doing. Settling for the safe place. A place where no harm can be done. A place I know very well. But lets face it, its not getting me anywhere.
I have several paths in my life. From my relationships to jobs to my health. And each holds its own future, really never intertwining with each other. Each one is unique, but how I treat them should be the same.
I havent done such a swift job at any of them. Im safe. Im content. But in order for me to progress in not only these categories but in life as well, I have to face to obstacles in front of me and go around and press on. I have to dodge them the best I can and if I cant dodge them, then face them head on. Each time I get sick or lose a job, I should start seeing them as opportunities instead of obstacles. I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason. But here lately, even that has become foggy.
So I am holding on. Holding on to a hope that is at the end of each path. And instead of settling and going down the path always traveled. maybe I need to go to my right or left and venture in. Who knows what I will find. But I will never know until I go. Until I take the first step into the unknown. Its scary. Its mind blowing, but it could something amazing.

Figuring Things Out

By the age of 5, you are, by all parents accounts, growing up. You start school. You are suddenly thrown into a classroom full of other kids your age. For some, it can be a scary moment, for others its a chance to start their life. I still think its harder for parents than kids.

By the age of 13, you are a teenager. You start to see things differently and feel as if you are an adult. You start to claim your own identity and have your group of friends. You start to mold your future with the choices you make. 

By the age of 16, you finally have freedom. You have your own car. For some, you have your own job which brings responsibility yet now you have money. You begin spending your weekends with your friends instead of your house. You may begin to have your first dates and dread that time when you have to ask you parents if you can go out. And if you are a boy, you are dreading picking up that girl for the first time and meeting the parents. 

At the age of 18, you are of out of high school and off to college or for some, off to a job. You are an adult and can make your own decisions. You have your own money, your own place. You are finally out on your own. And here is where you make decisions to that will shape your future forever. What major you will be, where you will live, what friends you will make, and you may meet that certain someone. That certain someone in which you will spend the rest of you life with. 

And on it goes. In a perfect world, you will graduate college with the major you want. Get the perfect job, marry the person of your dreams, buy a house and eventually start a family. Isn't that the dream that everyone wants? At least for girls that is. 

But sometimes, life throws you curveballs. You may not graduate. You may not get the perfect job. You may not marry anyone. You may end up back at your parents or just settling. It seems that life always has a funny way of working out the opposite way you always dreamed of. Of even if you do get a chance at that perfect dream, it may be get interrupted by losing a job, losing a house, or even losing your partner. It happens kids, it happens. 

Its then we really learn who we are. Do we sit down and let life take over? Or do we stand up and go after what we want? Its these times that really determine who we are as a person and how others will perceive us.

I have been struggling these past few weeks with everything from being in the hospital again, facing kidney failure, job in limbo, no place of my own and everything just starts to compile. Why is it you can think of everything you have done wrong in your life and not anything positive? This is when your true character comes out. Now while I haven't really stood up to any of these problems, Im slowly regaining composure. There are still some dents in my life that I don't know will ever work themselves out but its these dents that I can go back to ago remind me that I overcame them. And while they are unbending, something happens. You begin to find yourself again. You begin to see things in a different light. And maybe the person you find, isn't the person you used to be, but better. The hardest thing I have learned is patience. It has never been a virtue of mine. But sometimes, you have to stand back and let things come to you. You have to let those dents start straightening out by trusting. By having faith. By knowing that someone is there to support you. By having that someone you can rely on and talk to. By learning who you are. And looking at those positives you do have in your life. 

Its easy to type this but hard to actually say Im doing this. But Im trying. Each day Im trying. And whatever life may throw at me, Im ready. Bring it on!

Another 12 Days Gone....

So I really have been meaning to blog but again, things just escape me. There is either too much going on or not enough. And you know me, most of the time I blog its after something major has just happened. Well boys and girls, in this case, too many things have happened. So while I won't make this long I will touch on a couple of things that I have been facing the last couple of weeks.

Yup, another 12 days in the hospital. It started the day of the Superbowl and I was over at a friends house watching and I could just tell my eyes start burning. ( which is my weird indication that I was getting a fever ) but I let it go thinking it would go away. Well, my friends it didn't. By the start of the 4th quarter, my body felt like it was literally burning from the inside out. You could not touch any part of my body without almost being burned. I mean I had jeans on and when I got up the place I was sitting felt like fire. Finally after the end of the game, I contacted, or lets re-phrase this, I tried to contact my primary doctor, my urologist, my nephrologist and finally got a hold of min infectious dr who told me what I ultimately knew and that was to get the ER. They took me straight back and my temp at that point was 103.7. I was in pain and lets not talk about how many times it took them to get an iv in me. Its pretty bad when your nurse walks she's know you enough to bring like 3 other people with her cause Im a hard stick. Well finally after about 10 nurses, and over 15 times, they finally got it in right by my shoulder ( ouch ) My kidney and tubes were behind swollen and they admitted me. I ended up having 2 different infections both which kept me in there for 12 days. And then I get the news Friday morning that my creatinine was back up 2.6 and they didn't know why. I looked at my doctor and said Im leaving. You can tell me the results on Monday. Truth it I had plans and the other truth was I didn't want to lay there again all weekend and my pitiful pediatric iv they finally got placed after changing it 5 more times, was holding up. ( I mean a heart team even came in and tried with their machine to start a mid line and they missed and had no lunch. When I say Im a hard stick, Im not kidding ) He looked at me and laughed and said Ill go sign the papers. I think he thought I was gonna come after him if he had told me no. So we will see the down the road what his means. Right now, they are trying to get me into University of Louisville Nephrology group. So maybe, just maybe we can find some answers. I can't keep getting infections in this kidney and stones or the function is going to drop dramatically and thats what we are trying to avoid. I JUST WANT AN ANSWER! Okay.. enough about that....

So while all of this is going on, my nanny had broken her hip and was in the Clark hospital. My poor mom was trying to be in 2 places at one time but I was fine. I had my breakdowns. But she made it though surgery and now is in a rehab facility in Lexington. I am going to go see her sometime this week. I just don't have the nerves right now to see her. I love my nanny and the last time I saw here was in the hospital but now is sort of different. 

So my job is still in limbo at the moment. So I don't even know what to do there. Now do I apply for disability or do I just continue to work and hope they don't let me go. It really isn't fair to the company but I guess I will make that decision at time goes on and we see what is really going to happen with his kidney. I am not sure my last number but if it was going up, I would not be surprised if had went up even more. Which brings me much closer to that transplant list. Which makes me think even more. I am 32. I have been dealt such a an lucky hand in every dept. of my life it seems. I look around at my friends that are healthy, thriving, have families, have jobs and are just well off. And here I am.  Technically still have a job, live with my parents, my health is well, no word for that. But I do have some bright sports and those bright sports are what encourage me to go on. I have good friends, parents, family and my son. And yes, for those who are on my Facebook the presents were from my friend. Not my boyfriend=) He has been one of the bright spots as well. Besides my family, he has seen me though a lot of my illnesses and I know he will be there with me as I face them down the road. He may not know how much he means to me, but its a lot. Its so great to have a friend like that. 

So I think thats enough depressing stuff for one blog? I guess I will end with this..

Don't take anything for granted. I  mean you hear it all the time, Im not dying or near it but any bad infection could slowly start making my life a mess. I have to realize that. So I have to let people know what they mean. And everything I had said I ever wanted to do, I am going to do. Im not planning my funeral people, but before this kidney thing takes over, I feel like I just need to get out there. I have done several of the things I never thought I would here lately. So thanks for reading. And Ill keep in touch! 

A Moment That Wont Be Forgotten

So today started out with me trying to get Drew out of bed. He noticed I had my jeans on and that was his clue that I was taking him to school and then it started. I didnt get hardly any sleep last night and I was tired. Drew was tired and now fussing cause he wanted mom mom to take him to school. It was nasty outside and I just thought it would be a good day to not have to get out of bed and go anywhere. As I attempted to get ready, which consisted of me throwing my hat on my head, I all of a sudden dreaded going to this doctors appt. The last one was when I first had my kidney removed. I drove all the way across town to listen to my doctor for like 5 minutes tell me my numbers were okay but given that I had just got it removed, my numbers were expected to improve. And that was that. Drew eventually won the fight and mom took him to school. And then about 8:15 I got in my car and made my way to my nephrologist office. 
I got there early and sat down in the waiting room about 15 minutes before my appt which was at 9:15. I looked around and realized that I was the youngest one there. It felt like all of these people were staring at me like they expected me to be there with an older person as the patient. Surely I wasn't the patient. I grabbed my iPad and started down at my hands. My arms and hands were covered with bruises and tape marks from all the of the attempts at ivs and blood draws from the past weekend. My hands were swollen and my arms looked like I was a for sure drug user. I sat there and tried to scrape the adhesive off with no success of it coming off. I glanced down at my watch and it glared back at me : 10:00. Great.. I was going to be here all morning. At least when I got back there, I remembered the last time how I was in and out and I never thought, I really was going to be here all morning. Finally they called my name. As I got up, I could feel everyone's eyes on me. Yes I am the patient. Just let me get me back there, get my results so I could go home. 
As I sat back waiting on the doctor, I rested my head against the wall and shut my eyes. Just as I was almost asleep, my fate walked through the door. And it wasn't a pretty fate either.
As he explained to me that my numbers had not improved I sort of just shook my head like I was understanding everything he was saying I just wasn't sure where I was storing the information. My total kidney function was now 25%. I was 5% away from being placed on the transplant list. Yes I had stent in, but he was never convincing that that was not why my numbers were that low. My creatnine had jumped up over the weekend and now with the possibility of more stones eating away at more of my function, it was sort of becoming clear of what he was saying. He did the usual exam and listened to my heart and breathing, pushed on my shin only to have my skin not pop back up indicated swelling and sort of going back over the numbers again. Then he makes a plan to see me back in a month. He escorted me out of the room with not a smile on his face but more of a worried look. I am not sure the look on my face but I think it was more of blank stare. 
The next thing I know I was being led in to another office of the kidney disease failure nurse educator woman. Excuse me for not getting her proper title. I was still trying to figure out what to do with the info he just told me and the info I was getting ready to be fed. I was told all about my numbers again. The symptoms I was having and was reassured over and over again that they were going to do all they could do to protect and save the one kidney I had. But in the end, any more stone or infections could eventually knock any of that potential away. Now I had two conversations in my head and information just floating around. About an hour later I emerged with a folder of information in my hand and a head full of what the crap just happened back there? I called my mom and got in the car and for the first time in ever, drove home in silence. The rest of the day was sort of a blur. Now I know there is worst news people get at doctors appts. I know this wasn't good news but it sort of teetered on being bad. Especially with the fear of thinking if I start getting stones again, how many is it going to take and would I have enough time to get another kidney and would dialysis work and what if this and what if that... the whole day and night. And I lay here and type this, its still playing in my head. And now tomorrow, I have to face my urologist. Im hoping this stone was a fluke. And Im hoping he agrees.
So I guess we will see what tomorrow brings. And the next days... Oh and along with being told about the function, the dr asked if I was trying to get pregnant. I sort of chuckled and was like uh no. I have one and thats enough. He looked at me and said well good because in my case, it would likely kill me if I were to try to have another one. Look doc, Im 32 and have had 6 miscarriages. Having another child wasn't on my list but you really didn't have to tell me that. The chance of not being a mom again crossed my mind but I very lucky to have Drew. But I guess when someone looks as you and tells you shouldn't cause it cost you your life, well that sort of shakes you to the core as well. 
Everyone keeps telling me I can get through anything. Well these anythings keep piling up and Im starting not to be able to be tall enough to see over them. 

~~~~~~

2014 Gone....

Wow... what a year. It has been such a year that it has taken me a couple of days to begin this post. So much has happened major in my life this year that its hard to recap everything. I know it seems like Im lost more than Ive gained this year. And that is true. I lost a job, a spouse, a kidney, part of my bladder and weight. And while 1 one of those is a good thing the others I chalk as up they are gone and while Im still dealing with the aftermath of some of it, Im dealing. What have I gained? Lets see, a better job, friends, and since Jan 1, a relationship. So Im gonna roll with that.
A lot of people have asked if I have set a goal. Well obviously the first one is to find a place of my own. Drew and I need to get settled on our own, so thats number one on my list. As far as my health, Im taking it a day at a time. I know my function isn't the greatest and the infections will keep on coming but I trust my doctors to take care of me. Its just something Ive become used to.
Relationships.. well its been and up and down ride for me this past year. I went through my second divorce which is still a mystery and I have to admit it was hard. Then the first guy I went out with is the one I am currently with. We broke up, then stayed friends and now have started our relationship again. I have to say I didn't see it coming. With my luck, I figured it was over. But he threw me a curve ball and we are a couple again. And Im excited. And the fact that it happened on January 1st. He has taught me a lot. More than anyone will know or understand. He has taught me forgiveness, how strong I am, and how to deal with difficult situations. He is always there to calm me down when I start to stress out. And even better, he is my best friend. I can talk to him about anything and I know he's listens. Not everyone sees this, but I do. And thats what counts. And I like to think Im the same for him. I think we sort of support each other, like couples should do. Even we were just friends, he came to the ER with me and sat there and took care of me. He never thought twice. Thats what makes me smile. We have made a lot of memories and I really can't wait to see what its in the future for us. Its a brand new year, anything is possible. And its up to me to make that possible happen.
This year has taught me a lot too. Who to trust, who not to trust. How things can be blown way out of proportion and how much people can act like children sometimes. As far as family, well, learned quite a lot about that too. Its so hard when you can feel you trust people and then have it thrown it in in your face. And then it just gets too much. You know I always loved that our family was close and we had traditions. Well this year one was broken and without going into detail, its something I have to deal with and well people just need to learn to get over things and to keep to their ownselves.
It happens in every family and friends but I never thought it would happen for me. But its more on them than me and as the famous song goes, I "let it go". Thats what you have to do. Im happy and theres nothing anyone or anyone can say to take that away.
I have learned not to less stressful things take over my life. And that has a lot to do with my boyfriend. He has to be the calmest person I have ever met. And he is always there to remind me not to worry and things are going to be okay. Again, Im thankful for him in my life.
My health, well who knows? I never know from day to day what its gonna be like. Luckily my job is understanding enough when I have a appointments and if I get in the hospital they are not happy of course but understanding. Because we all know I just can't go in for 2 days ... its at least a week or more. And its horrible. I don't choose to go to the ER but when it comes and hits, I have no choice. And only having one kidney, I have to be a little more careful. Its not like I can let an infection get out of control and take my last kidney. Thats the last thing I need. And the last thing I need to worry about.
As far as everything from the past year, well if you had read my blogs, they haven't been the happiest. But Im looking to change that. If that means I have to stand up and fight for myself than I will. I have let too many people walk over me and let things go when I should have stood up for myself. And that is one goal I have.
As far as work, I love my job. Its hard work at times but I love the company and the people I work with. And given that they know about my health issues and work with me I couldn't ask for more. And Im finally getting to use my degree to a point.
Relationships... well we have already talked about that. I just to hope to keep it going. He makes me happy =)

So I hope everyone had a good 2014.. and an even better 2015!!