Its the dash in the middle

I was an avid Glee watcher. Being a music and musical theatre geek made me love it even more. But there were times on that show that I not only remember the music but some of the things the characters would say. In the episode, "The Quarterback" all of the cast members share their memories about Finn. (Who actually passed away in real life) The one line that stands out the most was said by Puck (who also recently passed away)

"You know whats tripping me out is this line between the two years.It's his whole life. Everything that happened is in that line."

I never thought about how much is said about your life in that line. It represents everything about you. EVERYTHING. And that hit me hard. Sure its just a line. But that line was your life. It was how you lived. It was how people saw you. It was what you were known for. It was the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the moments you want to forget and the moments you want to cherish for forever. No matter how old you are when that line is followed by a date, the line is the same length for everyone. People know you and remember you for different things. But what do you want to be known for? What do you want that line to say about you? Is that line filled with happiness, regrets, sadness, hatred, or is it filled with love, laughter, and ceasing every moment you could. So every day you get a chance to live, think about that line in the middle. Its already there. What do you want it to say about you?

BA=)

To Say Goodbye

My recording of this song! To Say Goodbye


Many and most of you all know I sing on an app. Well these apps run competitions and my for this week had to be a song performed by an original artist who had passed away. My mind drew a blank and I finally was like I am just gonna look up one and learn it. My mind went directly to Rory.  A dedicated mother, wife, and Christian who shared her battle with cancer, eventually losing her battle. The song When Im Gone is breathtaking but I wanted to learn something new. So I literally just closed my eyes and clicked. To Say Goodbye is a simple song. No complicated parts. And your standard, verse then chorus then verse then chorus a tag then the end. But the lyrics simply wowed me. If you have a chance the link above is my recording of it. And these are the lyrics:

He said "I'll call you hon when I get there"
Ten minutes later he was in the air
She dropped the kids at school and headed home
Walked in and turned the front room TV on

She could tell that there was something wrong
Every channel had the same thing on
Now seven years have come and gone away
But she's still hurtin' like it's yesterday...

'Cuz she wants to put her arms around his neck, and look in his eyes so blue
And say "Honey I don't regret a single day I spent with you"
She wants to tell him that she loves him so, and will until the day she dies
It ain't that she can't let him go, she just wants to say goodbye

He sits beside her in the nursing home
Through her silver hair, he runs a comb
He hangs their wedding picture on the wall
She don't remember who he is at all

He tells her stories 'bout the life they've lived
From their first kiss to their last grandkids
For seven months now she just sits and stares
But if she wakes up, he's gonna be right there...

'Cuz he wants to put his arms around her neck, and look in her eyes so blue
And say "Honey I won't forget a single day I've spent with you"
He wants to tell her that he loves her so, and will until the day he dies
It ain't that he can't let her go, he just wants to say goodbye

No, it ain't that we can't let 'em go... we just want to say goodbye

Music and lyrics have always been a part of me. I write songs from time to time just to express emotion. Like it becomes my escape. This song just struck a cord with me for some reason tonight. How true is this song? How many times do you wish you could have just said goodbye. And what if you had the chance but something got in the way and you didnt. I am one to try and take every moment I can to let those around me know how I feel. Having experienced that years ago, it opened a brand new light in my life. I try and not let moments pass. If I wanna see someone, I will do anything I can to make that happen. We hear it all the time. Nobody is guaranteed tomorrow. You never know when that moment is going to happen. Your phone rings. Or theres a knock at your door. Or even turning to social media to find out the news. Then your mind goes back to the last time you saw them or talked to them. What was that last moment you had with them? Did you skip out on a phone call or did you skip out on a time you could have spent time with them? I dont want to have those questions. I want to know that I did everything I could to nothing but be as good as them as I could have been. I dont want to kick myself for missing chances or missing time with them. We get so busy. Life in general takes over and we just put things off. We can do it tomorrow. Or we will do it next week. But next thing you know that day comes and while the other person waits, you're tired and you just dont have the time for them. When did life become so hectic that all of this material stuff comes before finding the time to be a mom, a friend, a daughter , a spouse... When did those things start to slip away. Sure, we have to work, We have to sleep. But did you ever think that even a phone call, a letter or even a text to say hey, just thinking about you. Do you know how meaningful those words can be to someone? We might not ever know. I have let friends come and go. And some of the best friends I have had. Just simply because someone else or something got in the way, Days turns into weeks and weeks turn into months and before you know it, its like wow, when is the last time I did talk to her?
Im as guilty as anyone. And its horrible to think that it takes something tragic to happen for it to open our eyes. Not tragic to someone else, but it has to personally happen to us. We all think we are safe. We all thing that it will never happen. But its simple we just dont know. So pick up the phone, write a letter, send a card or simply spend some time with a friend. Play that role in your life. Be that mom. Be that spouse. Be that friend. Just be that someone whose lifes are not filled with what ifs and regrets. Be that someone. 

Be you.

So thats why?

"Everything happens for a reason." Its one of those phrases that you either believe or dont believe. Most of the time it is said to someone who is going through a hard time. I cant tell you how many times it was said to me and although the thoughts in my head were far from what I actually said, I just shook my head with a facial expression that Im sure said something else. But I was thinking about this today for some reason. Its funny to go back and think of all the bad things that have happened and what I actually gained from it. And then you can go back even further and even one different move in your past could have actually effected your whole life. So while that phrase can be a thorn in your side at the moment, it can actually help you also realize how you got to where you are. Now there are still some things that I dont understand and am still dealing with but for the most part, there are people in life now that I would have never had known if not for past events. And a lot of God has intervened and made it possible. For example, if I hadnt had of switched churches, I would have never helped out at VBS. Then I would have met two certain people and I would have never had been able to make such a good friend out of it. Also I would have never got the chance to attend this awesome Bible study we are doing and also I would have never met a pretty amazing guy. I could even go back further than that but to save you all from yawning I wont. I try not to say I regret whats happened in my past because it has made me the person I am today. All the tears and feeling alone were worth if it got me this far. God will never leave us alone but sometimes we have to go through trials to learn to depend on him. I look at what I have in my life right now. And who is in my life. And I dont try to ask why. I just say thank you. Because a lot of doubts and questions filled me before and now some of them are being answered and I owe nothing to myself but I owe it to God for reminding me that he is always there. And I dont know what plans he has for me. But I do know as long as trust and believe that he is able that everything will be okay=)

My New Years Resolution - Not To Have One

So how many of you made New Years Resolutions? How many of you have kept them? How many have not? This is not a post to make you feel bad or not to say you won't keep them.  This is my post to say my new years resolution is. notta. Zilch. Nothing. Not to say there are things I do want to see happen, but I have a hard time facing failure. Simply put, there are days when thats all I can see. So why would I want to say to myself that Im going to do this and then tell a bunch of people the same thing. And in a couple of days, weeks, months or whenever the time frame be, tell the same people. including myself, that I had indeed not kept it, or failed. I just do not want to set myself up something that I am not sure I can keep. Now yes there are some great ones out there. And there are def reachable ones. But they can become stuff I strive for. They can become goals but I don't set a deadline. Deadlines just pressure me and  then I tend not to do them. Like when someone is yelling at me to do something then and now, I just all of a sudden don't want to do it. And the more its repeated the more I rebel. I have always been like that. I dont like doing things when people tell me to do them. I feel like they have no faith in me to get stuff done without being told constantly. So in return, I don't do it. Then after a time passes. I will get this sudden burst of okay I am now going to do it. And I will. I just dont like pressure. I dont like being pushed to do stuff when I know Im capable. This gives me no chance to prove to anyone I am first of an adult and second of all that I dont have to be reminded thirty thousand times in the span of 10 minutes that something is waiting on me. I have eyes and ears and senses. I can see that. I don't know if its a part of me I will ever be able just to lay aside and do it but until then, even when myself is yelling at myself,  its just in one ear and out the other. Now to me, doing it before being told would be the correct thing. I know that. And yes its something I need to work on. Point being, this is an ongoing thing and a goal I can set for myself. But I will not call it a New Years resolution. That would be a hard one to explain anyhow lol. Everyone has the common ones. Where yes I have those too but again, I dont set it in my head or even in my planners as a set date and time that I want it to be done.
Patience. It is something I lack. I have patience for stranger things but I do not have patience when it comes it comes to life in general. I mean, who really does? How many times a day do you get frustrated because you have to wait on something. Even as small as your phone to charge or your coffee to be ready. When you stop and think about it, patience is a virtue many of us lack. Mine goes into deeper territory as in when is my life finally going to get into order. And Im inpatient over things I cannot control. But when you stop and think about past things that you have waited for, then it seems to be worth the wait. But its only until after those things come back that you can truly say that. And while you are waiting, we just have to believe that the timing is somehow making things come together. That certain things have to happen before the final product is ready. And sometimes these things can and will take longer than we like. Its just life. And something we have to accept. I dont like it. I dont want to accept it but if life is teaching me anything it is def patience. But I can also say that I think the lesson has gone on long enough and Im ready now. LOL.
To those of you who have set a New Years Resolution, I hope you keep it and meet it. And for those like me, maybe you can find something to try and reach for and finally get it. And maybe your patience will pay off. And hopefully 2018 will be much better than 2017 and the years before that.

BA

Another and And Another year has past...

First of all I cannot believe I finally got logged back in here! I was trying to set up a new one but so glad I got this one back! Something about going back and reading some of these is pretty amazing.
Second of all, I really do hope to get back in the habit of keeping this updated. I used to receive so much positive feedback and encouragement, from people I didn't even know, and that meant so much to me!
So yes another year has gone by and again, a year of ups and downs and what ifs and a lot of shoulder shrugging. And I cannot say much has changed. Drew is in double digits now. My sister is in North Carolina and I am still, yes in the same living situation. This disability case is at least making some progress. Whether towards good or bad, I am not sure. All I can do is keep praying that something will turn out right. It seems like every where I turn, something messes up. And although always not all my fault, I seem to always place the blame on me. I would just rather take the hit then see someone else suffer through it.
So I don't set New Years Resolutions. It always makes me feel pressured to get it done. Like I tell 20 people this is what I am going to do and then when I don't do it, it's even worse acknowledging the fact that I failed. And that is not something needs to have on their shoulders at all. So I set more manageable goals. Like small things. Things I know that I can do and keep doing throughout the year. And most of the time they stay written in my journal as a reminder to me that I can do it.
I think of all the crud I caught this past year, though, I have learned  many lessons from them. I guess the most important one, and the one I was missing the whole time, was to basically just be me. If you can find yourself and do what makes you happy, then that should be what matters. Your happiness should never be dependent on anyone else. You are the only one that knows you. You know what makes you smile, laugh and enjoy life. Now while sharing that with others is a wonderful thing, you overall, are the one that sets that goal for you. So be happy. If you have to go back a couple of years to a place where life was good and even though there may have been struggles, you fought through them. Even if you have to go back 10 or more years. Find that person and be that person. For me that person was in high school. And some even years after. But I was surrounded by people I loved. Even though situations were different, I can still pick out moments, and things that made me smile every day. And those still exist. So thats my goal. To find that girl. To find that person that smiled and laughed every day and found the sunshine when it was raining. There has to be a rainbow somewhere. And even though, as i type this, I havent seen it yet, I know that the promise is there. And I know that I will get there. And I know I am not alone. One of other other things I am doing in my journal is writing at least one thing I am thankful for. Each day. And therefore in a couple of months, I can go back and look at the things I am the most grateful for. Cause I am. I am very blessed and even though I tend to forget it, its never too far away.
So I hope that for the new year, whatever your resolution be or goals be, that you stay motivated. And dont think yourself as a failure if you dont meet them. It just gives you an opportunity to do it again. But most overall, be happy. Stay positive and see that rainbow. Because even though you may be struggling right now, you are strong enough to handle it. Happy New Year everyone!

BA

Another year has gone...

So its 2017. A new year and new outlook. I havent done such a grand job of keeping up with this. I was on a roll then bam! Everything came to hault. Well yea pretty much everything. So I apologize for my slacking and maybe get this going again.

So what have you missed while I have been keeping you all in the dark? Well not much. Still in the same position I was this time last year. I guess the only difference is I am back with my parents again while my bestie moved to Texas. Yes people, Texas. Over 13 hours away. It was soo hard saying goodbye but it had to be done. He has a new job and is closer to his family. He seems to be happier. Things were just not going right. So Im glad  ( okay well not too glad ) that he has found a place and a job and seems to be on a great track. I however am still stuck in the mud at moment. But I will slowly come out.

Which brings me to the point. The reason I wanted to start this over again. So this last year has been hard. It has had its ups and plenty of downs. Probably more of the downs but I promised myself not to focus on those as much.

So I have a lot on my plate. A lot that I havent really faced face to face. Things I keep putting in the back of my mind. Like when theres that food on your plate and you keep eating around it. You have thrown it out so many times but finally someone makes you taste it. And you either go in full force and throw it down so you wont have to taste it. Or you just pick until its either gone or you get throw it away again. But it will always re appear. Until you deal with it, it will always be there. For me, my plate is full and probably overflowing to another plate. And I keep raking it in the trash. And it keeps coming back. I dont want to deal. That would put me in the position of having to do or say things Im not ready to. Cause I know the outcome, I always do. And as much as I want to at least one time in my life to be wrong, I would be right. Its like you know whats going to happen so why actually do it? 

Okay so there are a million reasons to but I see the one reason not to. I dont wanna. I simply dont want to bring up something Ive been ignoring for the past year just to revisit it again in real life. I can have the conversation with myself. I can tell myself the answer and let it slide right? 

Okay so no. Why do we do this to ourselves? I mean hello. I am living proof that life can cut off at any given time. Why not hold on to some sort of hope that there may be good come out of things. But when you get hit in the head so many times its like nope. And you sulk and you pout and you sing pathetic songs just to drag yourself down again. 

So I guess I have to face them. And its nothing bad. Its not like Im gonna be hauled off somewhere. It has to do with more me and only me. Yes the conversation where I sit down and talk to myself. And listen. And not bypass it. 

So my new year resolution? To be honest with myself. To kick myself in the butt. To tell myself what I would tell anyone. To finally face stuff. To get over stuff. To move on. To be happy. To be gracious. All of that and more.. so another new year and another new ride. We will see where I end up.

Till next time..

Whoa! What just happened??

Did my life actually take a turn for the better? When all of a sudden the future seemed so doomed, something happened. Eric moved last Tuesday which was horrible. It was a bad night and he didnt even want to see me to say goodbye which killed me. BUT the same night I met a guy. Yes a guy. And for the first time, we sat at at coffee shop at talked for like 3 hours. And the conversation just flowed. I felt at ease and I was so nervous before I got there. But it was wonderful. And all these things I had in mind that I would see other couples do on "dates" I always remember saying, I want that. And guess what.. he asked me out again. He is a couple years older but does not like it. So if I feel like it, we are supposed to be going putt putt golfing. Which is awesome. Only issues is now my health comes into play. I am still not over my infection and they want to me go to U of L ER and more than likely be admitted. So they can figure out what to do. They can do better than SJE or any other hospitals around here. They are also referring me to Cleveland Clinic to see if they can give me some answers. Which Im glad of because I am miserable from the pain and discomfort. But also scared Im gonna lose the one chance of meeting and getting to know someone great. Im broken. But he seemed to understand the not working and disability and stuff. And living with my parents so that was a plus. Its just life yay for getting me fixed and yay for finding someone great so far. What the crap? Is life playing tricks again?
I will keep this short but just wanted to fill everyone in. I miss Eric like crazy but we still keep in touch. And this other guy, if its in Gods will, he will understand.

Cya!

Lifes About Changing Nothing Ever Stays The Same

I remember reading a book or watching movies about kids moving away and having to say goodbye to their best friends. I was lucky to never have to face that until graduation. Even then it was expected so saying goodbye was bound to come. It's when you don't see it coming or even when you know it's going but you try to drag it out and put it in the back of your mind. And then when it comes. When that night before you have to say goodbye comes. it hits you like a wrecking ball.
I know technology has made it so easy keep in touch. With texting, FaceTime, its harder not to keep in contact. But its not the same. Hearing someones voice over the phone is not the same as talking to them. Telling them goodbye over the phone is not the same as a hug. The places we always went and ate won't be the same. The games we used to play. The shows we used to watch. None of it. Everything will have a good memory attached to it. But it will hurt. I don't know how long. But it will hurt. To fight for something so hard and watch it eave is one of the toughest things I will ever encounter. All I want is for him to happy. And he has to leave to do so. And I can say that to him and to anyone anytime when deep inside its a whole different ballgame.
I never knew I would fall in love again. I never knew Id be so lucky to meet someone so amazing who has turned my life around. And even though we couldn't really date, he became best friend. Someone I could depend on time after time for anything. The day he asked me to move in is a day I will never forget. But the timing wasn't right. And we both knew it was coming. It was like if I wasn't dragging it out, he was. And now tomorrow. as I say goodbye and hug and kiss him for the last time, Im gonna walk away thankful that I was able to have in my life. And thankful that he still will be. But Im gonna walk away with tears because we al have that selfish part of us that wants what we want. Its gonna be a tough days to come. And while he may never know how much he has has meant to me I have done everything to tell and show him. I hope Texas treats him well. I hope he finds what he needs and most of all I hope he's happy. Me? Ill survive. I have in the past and I will now. Just something else for me to get over. In time, I know I will. In time...

Awesome cover of "Chasing Cars" on Smule: http://www.smule.com/p/402925226_255046893Awesome cover of "Chasing Cars" on Smule: http://www.smule.com/p/402925226_255046893

Not just an app...

After everything I have been through, it still amazes me how God can take the simplest things and basically turn your life around. Even things like an app. Yes, an app on your smartphone. Some people use these apps as their escape from the real world. A way to get away even if its just for a moment. But in that moment, we aren’t in reality. We are in a fantasy world, whether its fighting off dragons, building your farm, or even building an amusement park. In that moment, that’s where we are. Some call it a distraction, stress relievers, but for me it has turned into something a lot different than that.

A couple months ago, I found this app by Smule. I was already hooked on their Magic Piano and so I decided to give this one called, Sing, a go. Its like karaoke on your phone. You can sing by yourself or you can duet with others. You can join them or they can join you. What I thought was just another way to pass time has actually turned out to be one of the best things I have found in a long time.

After a while, you find people and you can follow them and they, in return can follow you. So whenever they post a song, you can join in. And whenever you post a song they can see and join as well. A couple of weeks into it I found I was joining the same people over and over. You find people you can relate with and who your voice sounds good with. And even if you join them a hundred times, they more than likely are singing with you as well.

I have become very lucky to sing with so many talented singers and songwriters. And even have gotten to know a couple outside of the app. Music has always been something that brings people together. You overlook everything else but their love for music. I am happy to say I have made many friends over this app and talk with some on a regular basis. What turned out to be an app has now become a way for me to express myself, not be judged and talk to other people who have been down the same road. You build this community of people and you know they are always going to be there for you even in the middle of the night.

We may all live in different states and may not ever even meet but I consider them my friends, I know if I never need to talk or vent they are there to listen and that’s all anyone can ever ask for. Music has this unique way of doing that.

There are three people, specifically, that I talk to. Whenever I am having a bad day or just need to talk, they are there. And while they may not know it, I am forever grateful for that. There are some major changes going on in my life at the moment, but the music will always stay the same. And because of this app, I have come to know 3 awesome people that I know I can always count on for support in no matter what I do.

So to those people (you know who you are) your kind words and voices have meant the world to me these past few weeks. I am so glad to have found this app and I am even more glad to call you my friends. You all are special and have this amazing talent and I am so happy that I get to experience both your voices and friendship. God works in mysterious ways and I am a true believer. He knew I needed people and gave me you all. You may not ever know what your words have meant to me but just know I will be here for you in return. And while I hope one day to meet you in person, I at least know your just a song away… Keep writing, keep singing and keep being the awesome people you are!

Its that time of year....

So its that time of year again. The time for family, for friends, for traditions, and making new memories. For me, its my favorite time of year. I love when the trees start changing, the cold air filters, the shopping starts and then of course Thanksgiving and my favorite of all time. Christmas. 

As a little girl, I can remember everything we did for each holiday. Its something called tradition. And the tradition seemed to never break. This is something I embraced and cherished and loved that every year I could look forward to the same thing, the same people and the same memories. Through all of the changes in my life, these were the things that didn't change. That was until a couple of years  ago. 

Instead of looking forward to these get togethers, it became more of "who is having it"and " when is it" kind of thing.. Are we so concerned now with the inconvenience and who is bringing what and who is coming to sit back and think about what this holiday truly means? 

For everyone it has a different meaning. For me, I am just thankful. If there is one thing in my life that has been constant, its the fact that my family have been close and always been supportive. We used to live close by ( literally in the same city ) but now we have become more spread apart so getting together has become more difficult. Kids grow up, get married, and then have other responsibilities. Things do change but I just wish holidays weren't one of them. Whenever I first started dating, my first words to him were "Christmas Eve, I go to my nanny's and that doesn't change." Okay so maybe I was little unforgiving on this one, but its a tradition I refused to give up. And I didn't. We worked around it but I was still there and the same people were always there. Now with the addition of kids, it has made it even better. I don't care about the presents. Its just being around family that I love. I am very lucky to have most of my family still here and I treasure every moment I can spend with them. We used to have each holiday on each side of the family. Christmas was by far the best. We would have it on my dads side, then that night we would go to my nanny's. I can remember driving home at night and watching the sky for glimpse of Santa. Its one of my favorite memories I will forever cherish.

Now that I have Drew I want to start making memories for him. This year is going to be slightly different however. His dad and I split Christmas mornings, meaning each year he wakes up with Santa at either my place or his dads. This year just happens to be his dad's turn and this year my parents will not be here. After accidentally spilling the beans to Drew, and watching him get upset, I realized I was truly upset about it as well. For the first time in 33 years, I will wake up on Christmas morning with nobody. Christmas Eve, however, will not change and I plan on still having it. Hopefully my bestie will be here and I won't be totally alone but its just the thought. ( My parents are going to my sisters this year for the first time to spend it with them ) 

I try not to be selfish and Im glad that my nieces and nephews get to spend Christmas with them. I just have to remember to be blessed that I have family. I have friends and a son who I will get later that day. It may not be this year, or next year but I will start making memories for me and Drew. Whether I am with someone or not, I want him to have those memories.

So as we come upon this time of year, stop and think. Are we grateful? Are we blessed? For those who have lost family members, think of this as a time for remembering them and treasuring the times you had with them. It should be a joyous time and a time of love and laughter. Don't let the hustle and bustle get in the way. Take time to be with those around you. You never know when it may be your last. 

God works in funny ways

Some days when you think you are at the end of everything and nothing seems to be going right, we are reminded that there are people out there that care for you , even people you may not have thought about recently. The other night, I had had a bad day. I was overwhelmed with some stuff and was just ready to call it a night when I got a Facebook message. I was surprised at first when I saw the name and the simple hi. The hi was followed with "You have been on my heart lately and I have been thinking of you." I almost dropped the phone when I read this and I just laughed. I thought to myself, wow, God really is looking out for me.
The message was from a friend of mine in high school whom I lost touch with after graduation but I had followed her on Facebook and knew she was going through a lot of health problems as well. She went on to tell me how she read my blog and how it inspired her and she often felt the same thing that I was going through. In just 2 short sentences, messages, she had my day from bad to inspiring. I knew I had some comments about how my blogs had helped people but to help someone like her really hit home.
Her health issues outweigh mine but she is still one of the most positive people I have ever met, even in high school she always had a smile on her face and was on the nicest and caring people I had ever met. Even though states divide us, its nice to know that technology can still bring us together.
I have been told my blogs are too personal at times and that I give too many details. But I have a crazy life. Its not normal, and it really has never been. But I know I am not the only one out there who experiences what I go through and I also know I have it easy probably compared to others. But I write because not only does it make me feel better but if I can encourage one person, help one person or just make someone smile, then I have done what I set out to do. I don't write just to write. I write to release. I write what is on my heart and if its too much sometimes, then I can't take those words  back. But I can't help people by hiding behind my feelings. I can't be that encouraging word if I can't type it.
So to the person who sent me the message (you know who you are)
Thank you for the encouraging words. Thank you for the thoughts and words and prayers. I don't know how you knew to message me on that night, but you helped me in more ways than you will ever know. I love that I can message you anytime and I know you will be there. Even though we haven't spoke since high school or seen each other, I still consider you a good friend. I am too praying for you and your family. Thank you for being an inspiration to me and I will always be thankful for your friendship.
To the rest of you, take the time to tell someone hi and that you are thinking of them. They may need those words and even though you may not hear back, you may have just made their day.

Surrender

In a previous blog on my other website ( which Im just keeping this one ) I talked about surrendering. When its something you truly believe in, you should not surrender, yet keep fighting for what you love. Fight for what you need and fight for what your heart and gut it telling you too. Yet, how far do we fight before we finally have to eave the white flag. All I know is that it has to be your decision and not someone else. You are the one that stood fighting for so long so you should be the one to finally lay it all down and surrender.
Its hard because people will look at you and say you gave up. They will say you backed down and that you were weak in that moment and it will beat you down. What they dont no is maybe you have been fighting for it for much longer than they think. Maybe months or even years. We are capable of silent fighting. We are capable of letting nobody even remotely close that they cant see that we are standing our ground and doing everything we can to make something work. The other side may not even see it. Our planning and scheming may have come without them blinking an eye. And then when we come to that point, the point of not return, thats when when we have to make the decision.
One path leads you safely away and you never have to face your demons in the past so you surrender there, go on with your life and say well I tried. But did you? The other path is led with rocks and mud and your past haunts all the way up but the decision to surrender is much harder. You face your enemy in the eye and give them all you got. You battle plan is now in action. Whether you surrender of not depends on their response and whether you have anything left in you.
I cant lie. As I write this post, I am fighting back every tear I have to get through this. My surrender may not lie to an enemy. It may not lie as a battle field but it lies in 1 person. A person who I have given everything and sacrificed a lot for over the past year. I probably should have surrendered a long time ago but never did. My heart was telling me no, you have never had feelings like this, fight this one out to the end. But by doing so, my past has come back, I have watched people come and go and still have him in sight. I have never fought this hard over anything or anybody. But I cant surrender. I have grabbed for the flag many times, but something in me has said no, put it back. I have told you about the what its. How I dont know want to live my life with my what ifs. How I have want to be lying on my death bed and have no regrets. Giving up now would be the greatest regret I have ever done. And while its shredding me to pieces and stabbing my heart, I have to believe. I have to be the one to stand up and fight for us. I know its in there.I know he loves me and thats what is so bad.
So as I play with this idea of surrendering, I refuse. I take my flag out and stomp on it and say maybe later. And while it may be tearing every inch of me up, I will not surrender on this one. I will not.

Just Jump!

Get your bathing suit on. Walk down to the pool. Take your time straightning out of your towel and hide your belongings underneath the lounge chair. Take your cover off (make sure you look around first and then make your necessary adjustments so that nobody sees you) and park your flip flops by the chair. Move your eyes around the edge of the pool. Pick a spot where nobody is and starting walking. You may dip your hand in and or even your foot to do a quick test of the water. Get to the very edge and hang your feet over just a little to just where when you look down you see your toes and then the water. From here, there are several choices. You can fall in. Just close your eyes and fall and let the water catch you. You can jump in. You can bend your knees and jump or you can take a run at it and really jump in. Or you can have someone push you. Or you can have someone push you without you. Or you can sit on the edge and dandlge your legs in the water. And then slide in. You can use a ladder and ease your way in. You can dive in. Or you can simply walk away. Get back in the lounge chair where you are comfortable and watch from the safety of your chair. Either way you choose, you have just made a choice. Why in the world am I writing about jumping in the water? You know me by now.... isnt this just like life? 

Do we take a running start and just jump or do we walk away because we are scared of the unknown? Do we have to test the waters a little or a lot before we make that choice? Do we willingly fall in or do we need someone to give us a little push. Or are we in and we don't even realize it? We got pushed and and shoved and we look back and we find invisilbe arms. How did we get here? Think about the last time you had to make a decision. How did you get there? Or is it something you are still struggling with? Are you testing the waters or are you starting to make that jump or are you simply walking away?

Different situations call for different approaches. The good, the bad, the ugly, whatever you are about to jump into, calls for different approaches. The water may be a job, a relationship, your family, a dark place, a good place, or it could be simply a new start. What is going through your mind as you stand there and look into the future? Your past comes back to haunt you and the water becomes foggy. Its no longer clear. 

I live life differently. I personally live life as its my last day. Its my last chance to do something. I dont stare at the water, I jump. I may not always jump with confidence but I jump knowing its new territory. Ive done my research and I know my ways out, but I cant let that water go without exploring it. It may be the best thing thats ever happened or it could be the worse. Either way, I can leave with knowing I did it. Ive been there, done that and its just another stepping stone to the rest of my life. So I have a little problem with people relying too much on their past and not jumping. The past is exactly what it says it is, the past. Why let that hinder your presence or even your future? Learn from your mistakes and move on. If you live your life based on all your past decisions, you will never know what you are capable of. You may never know what will make you happy. You may never know that the past was wrong and you are now a different person with different outlooks. 

I try not to live with "what ifs". Or regrets. I dont want to look back and say what if... I dont think many people do. But if we keep standing at the edge just looking abd backing away, those what if's are going to keep building. But if you are comfortable and happy with playing it safe, then play it safe. Never step off of that ledge. But you will also not know what might have been. 

So nex time you are starting at the water, dont let someone push you in or pull you out. Take the plunge. Follow your gut, your heart and your mind. Go for it. Who you are when you are standing at the end, will leave you with a smile no matter the outcome. Live. 

Silent Communicators

In this day of age, its the ding we wait for. That sound that someone is responding to you or talking to you. That infamous "Ding!" coming from your phone. Back then, it came in forms of letters, or just plain talking. I sort of miss those days. Its like we have become silent communicators.  We hide behind technology so we can say what we want without having to stand face to face with the outcome, good or bad. I could give you loads of examples, but how many times have you confronted someone over email, text or even Facebook messaging? Why? Were you too scared to say it to them or were you scared their answer was not going to be what you looked for. Maybe it was because you didn't want to confront them but then you realize oh I can just type this and send and maybe it wont hurt so much. Or does it?
The problem with technology is its staying power. Not only does it keep things around, it can be a constant reminder of the situation. Yes, you can delete the emails, delete the texts but can you really delete the words you read over and over? And then questions just start rolling in. Why did they say this? Did they mean for it to sound this way? We read everything out of context. We can take a simple answer or just not receiving an answer as a really bad thing. We can spin those words into anything we want. After all, the person on the other side is not their to defend their selves or even explain. So we have to take what we see on the screen or not see on the screen as it is. And the cycle just goes on...
Sure, writing a letter may have been a way of hiding behind stuff but at least it was a little more personal and nothing the whole word can see. Then came Facebook. Now dont get me wrong, I have used this as an outlet for many things. It can be a great way to communicate to everyone without having to make phone calls, or even leaving your couch. But when does that line get crossed? How many times have you scrolled down your newsfeed and find someones rant on how someone has done that person wrong. And then worse, they can tag that person in the post so that everyone now knows. And they have one side to read and thats yours. Unless they start an all out Facebook war, which I have seen happen, its quite disturbing. People are quick to judge and you automatically go from reading those words to pretending you know the whole situation. They are just words. I could easily go right now and post something bad about someone. I can make this whole thing up and just let you all, the readers, my audience, take what they want from it. What they dont know is the other person may be in the dark about what happened. They may not have a single clue about a huge lie that has been spread to 1000+ people on Facebook. And they are quickly and silently being judged. Has technology really done this to us? Have we become more angry, shallow, judging, and loud just to hide behind something? Do we use this as a good or bad outlet? They are just letters. Letters that you put together to make a word. Words used to make a sentence and sentences used to make a paragraph. But in using these letters and words, are we doing any good? Or are we just knocking people down left and right so we can feel better about ourselves. Sort of like your secret redemption. It really is becoming a disturbing world we live in.
Now Im not saying technology in a whole is bad. It can be of some good. Its when you take advantage of it for your own good that it becomes a problem. I too am a victim of reading into something way to fast that I have tortured myself over it. I would send a text and not get a response in what I think is a timely manner and it drives me nuts. What you dont see is the other person. What if their phone isnt on? Or maybe simply, they just dont have it. The reasons behind a missing text can be a simple answer yet we can make it something way more difficult. Why not just use your phone, dial the number and actually talk to them? Or heck, even if you dont want to do that at least leave a voicemail to where they can hear you. Sometimes a voice message, even though still sort of hiding, is better because they can your words and they dont have to decipher quite as much as what your meaning is behind it. I have left plenty of voicemails before. And yes, its easier but still, communication is simply slipping away.
So my challenge for you is take the time to talk to someone. If yo are mad or angry or confused even, talk to them. Dont rant about it on Facebook. Dont write an angry email (especially when your emotions are in charge) Dont say something you cant take back. Because as soon as you hit that send button its out of your hands. And there is no taking back what you may have said. Dont hide behind a screen. Pick up the phone. Sometimes a simple phone call just saying hey or how are you doing can mean more to someone than you may ever know.

Hard Post....

I havent written in a while and partially because I spent the whole month of July in the hospital.. surprise surprise.. After a serious UTI, meds, 2 blood transfusions, 4 bags of iron and rest, after 22 days, I was released. I dont really remember much but I did have surgery, blew about 15 ivs and had 3 central lines placed ( because the radiologist messed up but thats a whole different story ) but I came out alive, once again and started to realize I was on the same road I was before. I had lost my job because, well they cant really hold your position when you are out that long, so here there I was. After going to my follow up drs appts, and realizing everything was going to back to normal, I realized one night, I had to do something. I was like stuck in this pattern and something had to give. I didnt know what, but as you all know, things do happen for a reason.
I have longed ago realized that people like to compare their lives to others. They like to make assumptions. They like to think that they have it all and if someone makes a move that they dont agree with, then they can either A) mind their own business  or B) make a fuss. Now I could make a fuss but I choose choice A. I used to think that what others thought of me mattered but not really anymore.
Sometimes in life you have to be selfish. You have to think of whats best for your and your kids if you have them and make the right move. I think we all have this part of our gut that tells us whether we are wrong or right and we may ignore it from time to tim but most of the time we do pay attention. Funny thing is, my gut said not a word to me. So as as begin to think about a new chapter, a new start, I also have to think about swallowing my pride and doing whats best for me and Drew. Keeping a job is really out of the picture at the moment, so disability it is. Funny thing is my lawyer said I should have got it a long time ago but heres where it gets me.
I look at Facebook often. I see my friends with careers, families and growing families and its tough to look at at times. I mean they are out there contributing to the world. They are out there making names for themselves. The biggest name I can make for myself would probably be in a medical journal cause nobody can figure me out. I am a 33 year old who has an adorable awesome son, awesome parents and amazing support system. So why am I complaining? Because its not what I saw coming for myself.
When I first got married, it was every girls dream. I married my best friend, we had a house and we started a family. We both had good jobs and then, as you all know, my life crumbled. That was my first test. And then through another marriage and sickeness, God has tested me over and over again. I keep my head held high and a smile on my face because thats all I know to do . But when nobodys looking, that smile can often turn into tears and fear. When you cant see in front of you, how you can possibly move on blindly? But I have. Each day is different and I dont know whats around the corner. But I have done what I feel is best for me and I feel happy about it. I feel like its the best move I could have made at the time and I am proud. And even though I may never have that perfect life, well for me, it has to be perfect. Everyone's perfect is different. And if you are one of those who thing you have it made, well good for you. But dont be so quick to judge others lives. You may never know what they are going through or what they have gone through, so their decisions, while not good in your eyes, may be just what they need.

Until then...

Another Day....

As words have escaped me each time I try to write this, I have now decided I am just going to go with it.
I am not sure the last blog I wrote and what it was about but Im just gonna start with the now. So the now...I have a new job that I love and literally fell in my lap. I have never had a job to where I was so happy. I love my coworkers and love everyone I work with.

As far as the guy things go. This is where things get weird and complicated, however he did me a huge favor. So the guy previously mentioned in past blogs is no longer. And this time, I really mean no longer. And as much as it hurt, as time went by it slowly began to hurt less and less. And some of his words that I didnt pay much attention to then, totally make sense now. And once again, something I didn't agree with or much listen to then, it really starting to make sense now. And I am thankful for that. For once, he was right, I was wrong. And although I will miss his friendship, it was for the best. I wish I had been strong enough to make that decision and not him, but either way. Its another lesson learned. We had some good times and those are what I will remember but in the end it would have never worked out and it was just best to completely let go of everything. And so I have. Its sort of what you have to do to be able to move on.

I have to think of everything I have been through to take the good out of those and focus on what makes me happy. And then learn from the bad. I have had several bumps in the road but those bumps made me into who I am right now. This very minute. If we don't experience those, we may never know who we truly are inside. So the combination of the girl I was back then and who I am now is a very changed, strong happy woman. Who loves her job, her family and is ready to get back out there. I will constantly be fighting my health. Its just something that I cant change. God will take care of that and every part of my life and I love that saying, Let Go and Let God. And I am.

Its not too often that you meet people that believe the same way you do. Or remind you of just exactly what you need to hear. I am lucky enough to have those people. No matter if its a church or home or wherever its like God places them just right where I need them with just the right words I need to hear.

So I fight every day to not let life win. Life has tried so hard to drain me of everything I ever had. And I refuse to let that happen. I start every day with a smile on my face, thank God for what I do have and pray to God that he takes care of the rest of it. I wake up now with a different outlook on life. I dont see the negatives but the positives. In every bad situation, I do believe there is good. And thats God. And thats what you have to focus on.

So as the next chapter of my life goes on, I can honestly say, I have changed. For the better. I am not who I was a year ago. I am someone who is not going to try to change to make someone happy. And as far as relationships go, if they cant accept me for who I really am and I truly believe in, then I wont do it. Patience is a virtue everyone needs. Its something I am working on. But am slowly starting to see how it pays off.

Thanks everyone for the thoughts and prayers. They mean more to me than you will ever know!

So once again, words seem to fail me. I have had so much go on that I am still trying to find a way to share it. Until then I have had a lot of Facebook comments on my last blog which included a video and how many more people wanted more.

So I decided okay.. since I haven't written in a while and I am singing this song in a couple of weeks.
It still needs a little work but I love the words. I am singing just with a acoustic guitar later and it sounds amazing.

Hope you all enjoy and I promise I will get back to writing soon=)

BTW-- I am about to hit 15K Views!! Thats a testament to each one of you watching and reading my blogs! THANKS!!

Click here for the song! Thanks for watching!

I Can Just Be Me

So I had a lot I was going to say in this blog but I decided to mix it up a little. I ran up across this song that Im singing on Sunday. And it spoke to me and sort of went a long with what I was going to write so Im sharing it in this blog. Its not the best quality. And I have my comfy clothes on however I really loved the words and hope you understand why I wanted to share this.

Heres the song!

Hope you enjoy!

BA

Peace

When singing in the contemporary services at Redwing, after the 1st service, the worship team goes in and has a mini devotional. A way we can connect with each other and have our own little group. It gives us time to talk , to listen, and to pray. Half of us know each other but not until we get into that room do we really get to know each other.
This past week I had the privilege of serving there and our devotional was on peace. When asked what people thought of when you first heard the word peace, there were the common answers, you know, the time the kids are in bed and its just you and your time, then there was the 60's and the peace sign, a waterfall, for me it was obviously being at home and not in the hospital. But then one spoke up and said what I think exactly what peace is. Its knowing that even though our day to day conflicts get in the way, our peace is knowing that this is not our life. When we die, theres the ultimate peace. He couldn't have hit it more right.
What is your peace? Often we find peace in our daily routines. We may even schedule that time that gives us that peaceful feeling. We take a couple of deep breaths, we feel our shoulders go down and our body starts to relax. For the mother, its when the kids are in bed and its just you. For the dad it could be the same, You are in your man cave and nobody is bothering you. For me, peace is knowing for right now Im typing this from a house and not a hospital bed. For others its knowing that there is a tomorrow. But how quickly that peace can change. Its beyond our reach. The kid can get out of bed. The kid can come in your man cave. I could end up really sick and back in the hospital. There may not be a tomorrow for some people. But the one peace we can all hold on to is that God is peace. No matter what we are facing here on earth, it doesn't matter because ultimately, we are going to be given that wonderful chance of experiencing eternal peace.
So while I do think its important to have your peaceful moments, because we all need them, we also need to realize that peace is reachable and it can be yours for the rest of your life. You just have to hold on to them. And those unpeaceful moments, well let those be lessons on how you handle those moments. And keep praying that God will handle everything and give you well.. peace.

30 hours straight

Yes. That above is how long I have been awake. Could be stress. Could be this. Could be that. But this and that need to go somewhere. I so envy those of you that can just lay down and go to sleep. For those of us who cant, its a daily struggle. And yes, I was on medicine if you were wondering. But with my recent kidney removal and now renal failure ( 22% --- 20% you go on the transplant list ) I guess I was trying to avoid anything I thought would make it worse. But this has to got to stop.
Anyhow, I have sat down at my computer ( well really, I have had it my lap while on the couch or bed ) and just stared at a blank screen. Either I have nothing or too much to write about. But this morning as I was cruising Facebook. a friend of mine, who also was awake, said something at the end of her status that caught my attention. " Sometimes you just have to count your blessings and go on " I dont know why that struck me, but it at least gave me something to think about ( like I needed anything else going on in this head of mine )
So it makes total sense. With all of the bad in the world and stuff we face on a personal level, its easy to forget those blessings. Even as little as they are. And for me, well, to be honest, they have become quite hazy. Its easy to focus on everything wrong in our lives. Its easy to feel down for ourselves and accept defeat. I dont understand why this is. But hey, I do it too. You tend to overlook the simple things in life. The things that once made you happy. The things we take for granted. For some people the blessings are their " bad " things. Your job, family, home, car, money, relationships... some count these as blessings. Others count them as their downfalls. I could go down the list of everything I have been through and while people look at me and dont blame me, I do overlook the simple things. I guess its because my downfalls are with me everyday. I never know from one day to the next if Im gonna get sick again. Or when it will be the last straw for this kidney of mine. My job is pretty much gone. So its like I get hit in the face over and over again. But right now Im good. I have a wonderful son who loves me no matter what. I have parents that help me and love me. I have a house and a car. And I have friends. So why arent I more focused on those?
Its one of those battles we all face. We all accept defeat in certain aspects in our life. But its those little things called blessings that we need to focus on. So, I guess on those really bad days, the days where you think nothing is going right, take a pen and a piece of paper and write down everything good in your life. It may just help you after all.