Relationships, We All Want 'Em, We All Got 'Em, What We Do With Them...

At least Jimmy Buffet knows..

Oh the time of your life when your life becomes full of what ifs and regrets and tears and smiles and well.. other stuff. Dating. Now at the age of 32, you would think I would have this one down. Umm wrong. Everyone I have dated ( 2 people ) I ended up marrying and well we all know how that turned out. So dating for me is brand new. So where do you meet people? Work.. well considering I work in the basement and really not around people, chances there are slim to none.. and then well thats about it. So I did it. I went where other single people go and in this time of age, the only place that people seem to go now, online. Yes I said it. Online. 

Now, you are asked to describe yourself in at least 200 words and then answer a whole bunch of questions about you and what you want in your potential mate. And then you post your best pics and then wait. People can look you up and then based on what they see, they can like you, wink at you, or favorite you, or send you an email. And then every day in your email they send you these profiles of people that seem to match what you are looking for. Or you can search on your own and do what you want. Now I haven't dug way too deep into it. But I have met a couple of people. One has become a great friend and the other has become a friend as well. So even if I don't know if I have met the one, I have at least 2 new friends in my life. And I still talk to them almost every day. 

And its not like I have everything good going for me. I am a single mom. I have been married twice and I live with my parents. Now I know the reason behind these and once I tell people, it doesn't sound do bad but on the outside, it doesn't look so grand. I mean Im only 32. But I have faith. I don't believe that my life is over. 

So as I explore the world the dating, I have no clue whats ahead of me. All I know is that, like in my previous post, God has a plan. And even though I can't see it and I have no clue when it will show, I know its out there for me. I just have to be patient and believe that God has everything in his hands. If its meant to be, it will be. Theres really no forcing anything. And thats my problem. Its like when you see all of these people, or couples, and you get jealous. Its like, what did I do to deserve to be alone? I have done everything right. Im not the one who cheated or flipped out. Im the one who fought. Im the one who has been trying to do everything right. And Im the one who feel likes karma has flipped on. So when is it going to be my turn? When do I get my chance at happiness? I guess thats what is so frustrating. But life goes on. I have a good job. A family and a wonderful son who is the light of my life.

So as I dig into this world of " dating " we will see where this takes me. And hopefully my blog will become more a happy world than a I complain all the time lol.

Turkey Time!

Awww.. its the time of year where we eat, nap, watch football and then repeat. And depending on the size of your family, you may repeat this several times. Its also a time, that if you happen to live in the house where Thanksgiving is being held, you may hear grumbling, complaining and experience mood swings of the person that is cooking right up until the door bell rings. Then all of a sudden, everything is good and dandy. ( Not from personal experience, but fixing the meal can be a very stressful thing, and Im sure this has happened ) I have never had to cook because we always go to other family's houses. Which Im grateful for. But to be truthful, I really cant wait to have my own family again and actually cook the supper and have people over. Cooking for me is sort of a destressor. Now granted, I turn on my music and do better when its just me and nobody else but is my way of winding down if Im really stressed out about something. 
Looking back this year, well, lets face it, its been a crappy year for me all in all. However, my goal is to take something positive out of each bad situation. If you continue to dwell on the bad of everything, then you arent going to be thankful but in bad there is a good. You just have to find it. Its like that for anything and anyone. So for me this year, I spent many MANY days in the hospital, almost died again, had my kidney removed, had to move in with my parents and went through a divorce. Most people dont experience all of this in a span of 5 year much less than 1 year, or in my case, sort of months. And some people dont experience this at all. But I did and it all was pretty much bad but like I said Im trying to find the good in all of it. So here it goes:

Going through my second divorce was horrible. It was an unseen event that I never saw coming which made it worse. And it has taken a me a while to get over the whole shock of it all but Im finally to the point to where I can say the past is in the past and I cant relive that over and over again in my head because it just tears you up. You cant go back and undo anything but you can move forward and try to make peace with the person and the situation. It is much easier when something ends and its a mutual decision and you know why but in this case, that was not what happened. Its not my job to try and decipher it anymore. I can learn from it and grow from it and thats exactly what I am trying to do. This led me believe I love again and trust again and thats what I needed. And thats what I gained from this relationship. But something else, unexpected, came out of this and that was I met someone who had become part of my life now and even though, boyfriend/girlfriend, it didnt work out, he has become one of my best friends and I am very grateful for him. I can rely on him and he is this amazing guy who I coulndt imagine not having in my life. So from shutting one person out of my life, led me to meeting him and even though I have been through some medical crap these last couple of months, he has been there with me through most of it. I couldnt ask for a better friend. 

Having PICC lines after PICC lines and infections after infections, is well besides painful. very annoying. The hospital was my home for a long time. I became immune to most of the antibiotics I was on and finally deciding that my infections were coming from left kidney, we finally decided it was time to take it out. Now, my right one is not fully working and was only receiving 1/3 of the blood flow so we knew before we would be taking chances, but it finally came down to either risking my life and having nothing to fight another bad infection with, or just face the possibility of dialysis down the road. 2 years ago, my infectious doctor wanted to do this but it was ruled out given the function of that right kidney, but this time I was sick and tired of everything so we just took it out. When I left that hospital, I had never felt better. It seemed, at the time, that that is exactly what needed to happen. (We will just leave my infection now as a minor hiccup) Now through all of this, I got a wonderful job. I actually was able to use some of my degree as well. The people are great as well as the company. And I actually can say I am really happy there. Throughout all my sickness, they never once though of letting me go and I still have this job. I told them over and over again how grateful I was to them for this. Im just glad that there are still people out there who look at the quality of work you have done and take that in when you have to be out so much. I have worked my butt of for them but I dont mind it all. So Im sort of glad that other job didnt work out because I am so much happier here. So I guess getting so sick was a good thing because it made the doctors realize that I did need the kidney out. I was tired of playing roulette with my life and the right decision was made. I just wish we could have done it sooner. But if we had, again, I wouldnt have got this job that I had. Its funny how life works out sometimes...

I knew after the divorce and I got sick, that moving in with my parents was the only thing I could do. If I had been working, I could have gotten my own place but when you no income coming in, it sort of like, I had no choice. Im thankful that they live where I do so it was just basically moving across town. I couldnt imagine living in another state or city far away and this happening. But they were able to help while I was recovering and they helped with Drew. So even though right when I got home from surgery I wasnt able do much, I could still see my son. Now I have to admit, after you have been out of the house for a long while, you tend to get into your own routine. And so do they. So when you have to try and combine two totally different routines, it becomes stressful. In fact. my sister told me her Christmas present to me was for me not to buy anything for them so I could save my money so I could get out before we killed each other. =) And when Drew is here, it gets worse. Just because I let him do things and its get on my parents nerves and well... its just like I cant get out of here fast enough. I love them to death. I love that they let me live here. I love that they help with Drew when Im not feeling well. I love the fact that they help me even when I dont ask. And at times, yes, Im running for the door just to get out for a while but Im very grateful for their help and love during all of this. And I love the fact that I can still depend on them for anything. I have met some people who cant say that about their parents and it makes me appreciate mine even more. But you can bet as soon as I have the money saved up, Im out.=)

So those are the positives that I am trying to stay focused on. Of course Im thankful for more things such as family and friends but when I look back at the bad and stay focused on the good in them, it makes me even more grateful.

I hope you and your family have a very Happy Thanksgiving!  

Glorious Unfolding

As I have wrestled over how to even start this blog, its been even harder to think about how exactly to put into words what I wanted to write. Its sort of funny how God works sometimes. When he cant place the right people in my life to say what I need to say, he makes sure certain songs are on when I get in the car. There have 2 in particular that have just rocked my world this past week. One being by Steven Curtis Chapman called " Glorious Unfolding " and the other one by Among the Thirsty called " Completely" I believe you have to do the second song before the first one, but if you listen to them, you will get what I am saying.

My run of luck here lately, has been, well just that, luck. And its been bad luck. Seems like every time my life seems to be doing better, something comes and knocks me down. These past couple of weeks have been hard, especially these past couple of days. If you read my Facebook posts, which Im pretty sure if you are reading this, you have read them, you know what Im talking about. Im not going into details but all Im going to say is that I finally realized I asked God for a sign and I got it. And I got it clearly. He could have gone little but it was a huge sign. I prayed for it and got it. And I will leave that at that. And so yes. once again, I was knocked down. This is where me being strong is supposed to kick in right? I mean isnt that that my other posts are about? And thats the compliment I get the most is how strong I am. I really have no choice. I have a son who I want to look up to his mommy and see what she has gone through and how I came out the other end. I dont know what my future holds. I cant control it. But when you completely surrender to him, he will unfold your story no matter what. Thats what these 2 songs have said to me. 

Im 32 and yes been married and divorced twice. But I know Gods not done. There is another story out there for me and I just have to wait for him to unfold it for me and I will finally see it. I think that is true for everyone. I know I am not the only out there who has lost hope in life. Or that thinks that there life is worth nothing. But its not true. God has a plan for everyone and as long as we look to him and let him do what he wants and needs to do with us, then it will be a glorious unfolding. And I cannot wait until that day. 

So for all of you who are struggling or thinking you are just done, you arent. God certainly isnt done with you. So just let it be. Give your all to God and let him show him your future. I know I cant wait to see my unfolding. 

Trying

Its a simple word. Its one word. Its a word we use often but in what context do we actually use and it and mean it? As a a faithful Greys Anatomy watcher, this weeks episode sort of prompted me to to write about this. Usually it takes something like that to get my mind going and sure enough it did. But it led me down so many roads, I wasnt sure and really am still not really sure on which path I am going to follow to make this blog post make sense. Then I thought about a conversation I had with a friend the other night. And the word took on a completely different meaning. 

As kids, we try a lot. And as parents we force our kids to try a lot. Whether its new food, to behave, pay attention.. we are pushing that word down their throats on a daily basis. Now Im not saying its a bad thing because as we all now, if we dont try new things, we will never know if we like them or not. But I started to think about how that word takes on a whole different meaning as we start to grow up, especially in our adulthood. If we no longer have people telling us to try new things, what are we telling ourselves to try and do?

Do we challenge ourselves to try and do new things? Do we venture out of our comfort zones to try something different? Or do we just sit back and wait for someone else to do it for us or even ask us to do it. And even then, are we just as hesitant now as we may have been when we were kids? 

So this brings to me to an even deeper question. Do we not try, or try too hard? Back to my friend. I respect her in every single way just because she refuses to give in. Shes had it pretty rough when it comes to relationships and while most women would try and stick around to make it work, she gets out. And she should. But she has the guts to do it and wont settle. Where as, most of us, including me would settle it meant it was the easy way out. In her case, trying is not an option because she has a heart of steel and follows her gut to the tee. She knows when something is not right and she gets out. Shes a very smart woman and someone all women wish they could be. I guess my point is, do we get ourselves into situations into where, whether right or wrong, we try our dang hardest to make it right for us, for another person or for the situation just so we can walk away happy. 

Do we get so content with trying to make our lives shape out the way we want them to be that we are willing to try and do anything to make that work.. even though, in the end, its all for the wrong reason. Are we trying in the wrong form or fashion? And why do we? If we know the ending is going to be same, why do we try and prolong the situation? Most of the time, its to avoid something. If we can get one more day then good we got it made. But then that day comes and goes and we are faced with it again, so we try again. Maybe this time, other tactics. After all, we were taught to try new things right? 

Just like my hike today. Im an idiot to think I could do that and not pay for it with all sorts of pain later. But I tried it anyhow and pushed myself to the limit. I made it and it was gorgeous and Im glad I did it. And everytime Eric asked if were okay, of course I said yes. I have mastered the face of Im fine. Although I think hes beginning to learn that fake face lol. 

My point is, that trying is okay to a point. But you shouldnt try to prolong things if they are only going to hurt you in the end. Its okay to try it and admit defeat. Thats what comes along with adulthood. If  I could throw out a personal situation, I would but so far all my tries are turning out for the best. So to my friend, heres to you for trying when you need to but knowing when to turn away. I love you to death and someday, maybe you wont have to try at all!

Dang you Nicholas Sparks

This sort of goes hand in hand with a previous posts called " Are Girls Brainwashed " As we were trying to figure out on a movie to go and see the other night ( went and saw Gone Girl, in which I had read almost all of the book and was psycho ) we were almost headed to see The Best of Me. Now I would have chosen the latter one but I was trying to be nice and not hit Eric over the head with another chick flick. I havent read the book but I know what happens and I knew I would be a crying blubbering mess. And I also knew it would be just another Nicholas Sparks approach into getting girls to believe in this deep love that existed in some point of time. Now guys, Im not blaming you but I do think you could learn something from him. He may go overboard with the I love you scenes but they are girls novels and its nice to be taken somewhere nice every now and then and pretend you are the that girl who is being loved so truly and deeply. I dont go back and compare everything to my past because well we just dont. However I do like to be taken away now and then to the place where these couples are. To feel what they do and however not all of their experiences are great, some of those scenes in this movies just make you melt.
It also does you make you earn for that one guy. That one guy to love you truly and that deeply. A kind of love where sometimes no words need to be spoken but just the look alone. tells you what the other one is thinking. Ive seen it. I can even say Ive experienced it. But I dont want it to be just a once upon a time thing, I want it to be a forever thing. Now given my track record, I blame Sparks for putting all these thoughts in my mind. That one day, I too, will find and experience that. I know people say it takes time to find that certain someone. But I think sometimes people just know. Now dont get ahead of yourself... Im not about to place someone name here and freak out everyone who reads this but Im just saying. Its nice to know that one day I will experience that. It may not be of Sparks words or scenes from the movies but its my love story. Everyone has their own and Im learning that it may be not be a classic fairy tale happily every after, every couple has their own fairy tale love story. And, without passing judgement, or thinking Im getting way too far ahead of myself. I like to think, whether it lasts or not, every love story is a story. And its our own. And however it started or ends or what happens in the middle, it has every concept of a story. And although mine has just begun, I still consider it my love story and although I cant see the middle or ending, its just fun adding a sentence or chapter to it every day. And I know there will be conflicts and make ups but thats what makes up a story. To each our own. And Im living mine out=)

An overdue blogpost.....

So my charger is still kaput and thats why the blog posts have been coming slower and slower. There is so much that has changed since my last post that I cant even remember what I posted last time. But I can assure you that the last post, I had 2 kidneys, in now which I only have 1. After some thinking and another annoying infection, it was time to get it out. So on Oct 6, out it came. In all of its glory. It was inflammed and was well quite ugly. And oh did I mention the day before, I had to move out of my house into my parents while I am on leave and off work. But I can assure you as soon as I get well and back to to work and back with money, Im looking for a place.
Yes I am still with the same guy. I wish in a way, we could fast forward our relationship or have this had happened way into our relationship so maybe getting a place together would seem not such a bad idea. To be prefectly honest, I dont know what or where I am going to be in 6 months, but I would hope, still with Eric, and a house or a townhouse and the same job. I say the same job just because I really like it. Lets just say what it is, My happily ever after went out the door years ago. Every little girls perfect dream life isnt mine anymore. It just had to have some tweaking done to it. And it is still well in the works. I dont know what my happily ever after is anymore. All I know is I hope it includes some of whats going on on now and the people in it. Its funny how your whole perspective can change after such a dramatic change in your life. I just want it balanced and normal for once. Now that I think my health is getting that way, its just the other things that God has to put in place for me.
So Eric. I try to keep some things to myself and out of the public eye just until Im sure. I would hate to post something and then have it all untrue by the next post. So from my view, he was very unexpected. I mean, I thought I would date here and there but I never thought I would fall for someone, just that one person, so quick. But it wasnt like I could help it. I would say he even tried to push me away and I think in a way we both just knew it wasnt going to stay that way. For once, I wasnt going to back down from something I liked having in my life. I had learned at that point that life was too short and I liked having him around, so why not fight for it. Well I guess fate gave in, because well 3 months later, hes still around. And I like having him around. My parents seem to like him and Drew as well. So I guess that passes the test. The one thing I have learned is that we are totally different people.I am so outwards with my feelings and he is not. However we have come to some sort of equal so its working. And I guess we will leave it at that. He is not from here so I havent the chance of meeting the rest of his family ( only his brother ) I am looking forward to it. A bit nervous I have to say but I guess as long as I am myself, they can either like me or not like me. Of course, Im going with the I hope they like me because I really like Eric. And if anything I hope they see that I have only the best interest at heart when it comes to him, I have been hurt so bad in the past that doing something to hurt him, I would never do. And I think its the same with him. He honestly, has become someone I can talk to about anything and thats what I look for in a person. He knows about my past and passes no judgement and thats important to me. He likes me for me and not for what descriptions may be floating above my head.. There are so many ways to describe me that I have given up. All I know is what I have overcome and what God has put me through to get me to this point. I am happy again.
I am finding who I was before. And Im not letting someone or some guy define that.
So who knows where this blog will be in 6 months. All I know is for right now, at this very moment. I am one happy girl. And I have a lot to be thankful for. =)

T minus 2 days with my kidney

Yup, its almost go time. Monday morning starts my journey without a kidney. And the closer it gets, the more scared I become. I was relieved at first just because of all my dealings with the constant stones and infections and emergency rooms visits and missing work and missing life in general. But then the closer it gets, all of the bad things that could go wrong come floating in my head. I know this this is the same way with every surgery and I know its a very general surgery now but when its being done to you, it almost feels like you are the only one on the planet that has gone through these struggles and the only one that is having this done. Its like you have been singled out out of everyone else to have this happen to.
Then on top of this, I have to be out of the house by Sunday. So instead of having a nice relaxing weekend of resting or just being out and about and enjoying the time I wont be in pain, is being spent packing up boxes and trying to get stuff moved to my parents and a storage building. Luckily I have help ( and hes cute by the way lol ) but its just way too much. So yes I have known this date for a while but I guess I have been putting it off thinking something would happen and give me some extra time to at least get well after my surgery then have to worry about it. But not in my world will that ever exist. In my world it pours and floods all at once. Always has and something tells me it always will.
However in the midst of all this craziness is this guy. If you read my previous post,  ( if you havent, you need too ) you will see what Im talking about. Well everything is still going really well. And that even scares me. I mean, have I actually done something right? Is this actually going to turn out to be good and actually last? I hate to say it but so far so good. For someone to know my past and not judge me for anything and know where Im coming from and what I have been through and still want to be with me just amazes me still. And I actually love him for that. We have both been burned in the past so we understand that in each other. And it seems like everyday, we learn something else we have in common or at least things we learn from each other. He has taught me things about myself and I think, in return, have helped him. And coming from a person who always wondered and cared about what other people thought about her, thats a lot. Because I know everyone has their own opinion about this relationship and to be honest, for the first time in my life, and I truly mean the first time, I dont care. Whether people think Im moving too fast ( which Im not ) or whatever, I know what I feel and I know where I stand, I am not about to myself in a situation in which I think Im gonna be hurt right away or vise versa. I would never do that to him either. He knows where I stand. I know where he stands and thats what matters.So as far as Im concerned, Im happy. And my family and faith and God and him are keeping me that way. And I know this weekend will be rough but thats when I am really blessed to have certain people in my life to keep me sane. And for those of you have said a prayer or a thought keep them going... Im gonna need them!

Im Getting Ir Right....

I was gong to add to that title and say " Im Getting it Right... For Now " however I have decided to keep it positive and keep the whole out look on this relationship positive. And I mean, me not messing anything up. So I know a lot of you have asked about my new boyfriend, Eric and where we met and so forth so I thought I would finally write a blog to answer some of these. I would have written sooner only my computers charger went down and so did my computer so I apologize.
So you may remember a previous blog on here about a guy named Eric whom I had met online. I have deleted that post really because I was emotional and in the hospital and on pain medicine. I try to avoid writing at those times because words sometimes come out that I dont mean or situations change and its just get confusing for you and me. So dont go looking, because you wont find that post.
Anyhow, so yes we met online. I was convinced by a friend to try it out and so was he. He was the first and only person I talked to. So after talking we met up and just sort of started hanging out. After about a month, he became my official boyfriend. I know some of you are thinking, isnt that a little a fast? But I have to come a realization that well not to be mean but it was our decision and that no no really. The most important thing to me is that he understood my past and I didnt lie to him about anything. I also learned about his. We both have sisters named Christen and our birthdays are the same day except I am one year older. All of the these things kept popping up and I was like it was so weird to have so much in common and even those these are superficial, we also have other important things in common.
Drew loves him and hes met my parents and my cousin and they all like him as well which is always a plus in my book! Im getting to know his family but since they arent from around here its mainly been chatting on Facebook. I tried to explain to him its so much more pressure on the girl to meet the mother because moms seems to always have this image of the perfect woman for her son. And with a kid and 2 divorces behind me, I was nervous and still am. Luckily I am trying to ease my way, with his help, to talk and get to know her. So far so good.
Im not going to get into logistics like where hes from and what he does however the one main thing he does is make me happy. =)
You would think meeiing someone would be sort of nervous around each other. But it wasnt at all. He even said the same thing. It was like we had known each other longer. Which is a good thing....I felt so comfortable around him and even sharing what I had been through with him felt so natural like I could finally be myself and wouldnt be judged (even thought both divorces were not my fault) And then he has to take me to the ER for kidney issues and he was right there. And I could tell that he cared about me and that he honestly didnt care that he had to be there and take me. And then it happened.
I have a major problem with starting to fall for people hard and fast. And I told myself I would not do that with him. We were actually building a friendship and it was turning into more but I was so scared to tell him I was falling for him because I didnt to mess this up. We are still in the beginning stages but I cannot put into words how lucky and blessed I feel to have him in my life. I dont care how we met, the point is we met for a reason. He is such a genuine and amazing guy with a huge heart. He treats me better than almost any another man I have ever had in my life. To say Im happy is a waaaay understatement. Time will tell what happens from here but for once I wish time would go slow just so we can continue on the path we are going. Each day, I feel like my feelings for him get stronger and we grow closer. I try to sort of tell him but I also do not wan to scare him off lol. But with the surgery coming up and everything I have been through, I try not to keep my feelings insude anymore just because it isnt worth it. He knows and he hasnt run away and thats number one in my book. So for once a happy blog!! And while some people think its sort of fast, I cant help the way I feel and I just hope he knows that!

Eric,
I know its strange to only really talking for about 2 months but I just wanted to say thank you. These last months could have been really hard but you made me smile and laugh through it all even when I wanted to hit something or cry. You have taught me things about myself and reminded me who I used to be even from years ago. You are an amazing guy who has won my heart over big time. And I cant wait for another new day just to see where our journey will go. I want you to know that I will be there for you through anything and you dont even have to ask. I love the way you know just the right moments to make me smile and laugh and how through these hard times, they arent so hard with you around. I love the way you told me you arent into holding hands in public but you hold mine anyways just to make me smile. Its the little things you do that dont see that make me so happy and blessed to be a part of your life. I cant wait to see whats ahead for us . I cant put into words how much you mean to me but I do know that " I am the luckiest."

Love,
BA

How Lost Do We Need To Get Before We Are Found?

How Broken Do We Need To Get Before We Are Put Back Together?
How Far Must We Go Before Someone Looks For Us?

To tell you the truth, I could go and on and on with different titles. We all have been there once in our life. So down, so lost, so broken, that we cannot see the light. We cant even see a foot in front of us. All we can see is what is now and what bought us to that point. And that can be dangerous. So dangerous that it can cause one to take their life. So dangerous that it can lead us down a path of deconstruction so bad that we feel we cannot get our lives back. So dangerous that it can us isolated from the world and seperate us from family and friends. So how far do we have to go before we are rescued?
Its not an easy question for anyone to ask or even to answer. Basically, there is no answer. And for those that do go down that path, they do it alone. This way nobody knows and they dont have to drag anyone else down with them. They suffer in silence. They are beyond help, or so they think. They dont want to tell anyone because they know then, there secret will be out and everyone will be wanting in. They will be wanting into your world. Into this world where its only dark and you dont even care to see the light. You have learned to cope with the world and to live in it. You learn to act like you are fine. But slowly you begin to pull away. Pull away from those who want to help you. Pull away from people who could help you.
Last night, on So You Think You Can Dance, there was a routine about a guy who was in the path of deconstructing. Then an angel appeared and helped him. Even though, he resisted, at the end, he finally gave in, saw the light and was saved. One of the judges, Nigel, mentioned after the routine that he had just lost 2 of his best friends to suicide. And how stupid it was. Then you have Robin Williams. Who would ever guessed that he would have killed himself? He had been battling depression and in the beginning stage of being sick, but he took his own life. People are either scared to face what is in front of them or just wants away. That is an easy way out. But selfish. And just like Nigel said, stupid.
With everything I have been through, I do feel like I have been broken that I didnt think I could be put back together. I had a friend ask me a couple of weeks ago , how do you deal with it? How do you stay so positive? I just looked at him, and said " I dont know. I guess I just do '. I have become so used to fighting fights around every corner whether its with health or just personal stuff. Every time there is a light, it starts to get foggy again. And I have search for that light just to have something to hold on to. For me, its always been my faith. And just knowing that God handles all of this. I question him so much. Im pretty sure Im not the only one that does. I go on and on about my problems when there are people out there that face so much more than I ever will. And they hang on.
I have a son. A son who is an amazing boy who can make me smile and laugh whenever I need him too. I know he needs his mommy so thats what I hang on to. And then theres hope. The hope tha God promised us that he would be there and carry us through anything we may go through. And then you have life. Life that throws you stuff and crushes every thing. If there is one thing I could change about myself, it would be for me not to get my hopes up. That even if at that moment, everything is good and Im happy and I cant believe this is happening kind of thing happens, that I just live it day by day. Thinking about things sometimes can be so hard. And it can ruin good things that are happening. What can I say? I just sit here sometimes and hope against hope. Just for once, I want something that I fight for , to actually pull through. And I fight so hard, that when I dont win, I fall that much harder down. Ive done it all my life.
My job and my co workers were an answer from God. I love my job. I really do. And my co workers are some of the best. And Im so blessed that I still have a job even though I have absent a lot. I guess we dont always get what we wish or what we wait for. And, that is where I struggle. So my prayer changes a lot. I guess I need to pack those wishes up and let them stay there until one day I can finally let them go. I dont know when that will be, but one day.
When I say on Facebook, thanks for the thoughts and prayers, you all really dont know how much it means. I dont do these blogs to ask for sympathy. I do them because I think there are other people out there that can relate. And if I can help at least one person or let one person know that they arent alone, then Ive accomplished what I have set out to do, And that is one wish that I know comes true more than I know.

Are girls brainwashed?

I have stopped and started this blog now I don't know how many times. It seems I try to veer from writing blogs from the hospital due to the whole emotional side of things. Although they make the best blogs because I guess half the time if you are on medication, you don't know what you write. So I have pondered all weekend what to write about. And, except for the whole kidney deal, life was going pretty well. So finally I would be able to write about something light hearted and not be such an emotional mess and have yet another blog be just depressing. To my faithful readers, I am sorry. To my new readers, warning, most of these are not happy.
There are so many different reasons to blog. you can look up topics, give information, talk about politics, weddings, pregnancies... and the list goes on. So why do I write? I write because I can. I express myself much better through words than anything else. And at least when you write, you can go back and take back something you had "said". Well things changed today, so this blog now becomes another emotional blog. Which brings me back to my original question.. why do I write? Its simple. To help people. With all of the challenges I have faced, I figured if I can get through them I can at least share what I have done. Now don't get me wrong, its not like something happens and I write you and tell you how strong I am coming out of it. I definitely break. And I break hard. And why stop writing now? It may get some personal but I get such positive feedback that I feel like I need to keep going. Which brings me to why I am writing now.
Like I mentioned above, most of the time I write, the situation has already happened and its been a while. But not now. If you wanna know what happens when I break, well Im experiencing it right now. I am currently in the hospital facing yet another bad infection and having tests ran tomorrow to determine whether my kidney has to come out. But I was handling every thing just fine. That was until today. So starts my emotional drain of trying to write this without falling apart. 
About a month ago, my friend made me put a online dating site to the test. It was dumb but I did it. I had a promo code for a free month so I thought why not. It wasn't like I was going to full force into this and didn't expect anything from it. Then it happened. My first email back from a really nice guy. So for the last weeks or so, we have been hanging out. And its been nice. We were building a friendship and as of Friday we had discussed that we still liked each other and were on the same page as far as we wanted to keep it going. I was so happy. He was so different than me but he was teaching me things about myself that I never knew existed. And then I get a , I mean THE text. The text that nobody wants. You can guess what it said, but I will just say, we are through. What bothers me so much is that he just decided over the weekend. He seem to put words into my mouth saying Im not what I needed and that he wasn't what I was looking for. Well no, he wasn't but he became someone I wanted. He said everything right and made me feel so giddy and happy inside. And now this? 
As girls, I think we have seen so many romantic movies, tv shows, music etc.. that some times we think life is going to be that way. If this were a movie, he would come through the door and take things back or at least say goodbye and let me say what I need to say. But its not. But I hang on this hope even if its the smallest hopes of hopes. Maybe space and time is what he needed. Who knows? All I know is that, yet again, I got dealt a bad hand. He was nice and such a gentleman. But in 2 days this all changed. Im not gonna lie, I keep waiting for him to walk through the door or to text or to call. And thats what hurts the most. Every minute that ticks by , you just lose hope. Then I start to wonder, and question. Why? I mean for anyone who knows me, can probably understand that I write this at this moment, Im an emotional wreck. Yes I only knew him for a month but when you think you have something and it gets ripped from you without any warning. ( Sound familiar? ) It HURTS. The only thing I just wished was he would have let me talk to him in person or at least over the phone. I know we aren't supposed to show weakness but I can't help it. Part of me wants him to hurt as well. So I can't write you now and say I have learned anything from this because I haven't. And the excuses are always the same. I just wish for once, I was heard. I don't understand how people make up their mind without taking through it with whoever. 
So right now, I don't feel very strong. I feel like I wanna hit him and at the same time hug him.  The fact that I am never going to see him again kills me. 
I took a lot into consideration after I told him I wanted to keep going on. I am not going to waste anyones time just because I don't want to be lonely. But it wasn't that at all. And no matter what I tried to say, it was like it was going in one ear and out the other. These past 4 weeks I have smiled and laughed more than I have in a long time. 
Im sure, no I know, Im not the only one to have her heart broken more than once but I am a little confused on why Im letting losing him get to me so badly. So I guess this is gonna be a horrible night. I am trying not to break down but its pointless. Im tired of being sick, Im tired of not getting what I want. For once I had it. An amazing guy who opened the door for me and was so polite. And made me smile and laugh. I want to be mad. Its easier and easier to hide as well. 
What do I do now? I know what I would tell people but Im gonna be honest. Im gonna wait for the phone to ring. Im gonna wait for a text. Im gonna wait for him to come see me. And Im gonna wait for a long time. Yes part of me is mad. All I asked was 5 minutes for me to say what I needed to say but he made the decision for both of us. Do girls not get heard anymore? 
All I know, is Im not that strong girl right now. And I just want to curl up and make it go away. If it were only that simple and easy. 
And to that guy : Thanks for the past 4 months. I know we could have something special but now we both are left with the what if's. If you would have just listened to me or talked to me, this could have gone a whole different way. Or even with the same outcome but I would have not been the emotional wreck I am. I was content with just hanging out. You were all I needed. Nothing more, nothing less. 

Its Been One Of Those Days...

As I sit here with my iv meds running through me, I started thinking about the last year. In particular my last year. Most of it included losing things, hospitals, medicines, surgeries. I think the most positive thing has been my job. And of course the usual great family and friend support. Of course none of this was foreseen by me. None of this was something I chose. The sicknesses, the divorce, the surgeries and now more infections. A couple of blogs ago, I had a comment saying how I was such an inspiration anyhow my story could really help people learn how to cope. I make it sound like its worse than it is. I mean, yes, twice now I have come close to dying but there are people worse out there than I have ever been, But in my own little world, every now and then I just hate it. I hate having to explain to people whats on my arm. I even hate that my son knows exactly what it is. I hate when I get him when I get home from work, that I come home, look over his paperwork, get him settled and then have to do my meds which take up most of the time then its time for him to get to bed. I hate all these situations. So how are people going to learn from me? Lets talk about marriage.. ooh well, divorced twice.. how do you stay healthy.. see the above. Its like every time I get a good hand, it gets trumped by something bad and Im forced once again to fight another fight. You have to wonder when its going to be turn to not have to do that. A time where I can go and not be sick and spend time with Drew and have money and be happy. Happiness means a lot of different things. Some will say money, kids, jobs, a significant other, a good family. I would say yea, all of those things would make me happy. But what gets me so mad at me, is Im good at taking something potentially good and ruining it. Im really good at placing blame on myself even if its not my fault. Even if its no big deal, I chalk it up to , well I screwed this up, now what. 
The meds, the sicknesses, they are obviously not my fault. For some reason my bladder and kidneys just don't like me. And the infections just want to to stick around. Ive had people ask me aren't I sad to have to move from this house and the honest answer is no. There is nothing from this house that I would want to take with me ( except for the furniture of course) but no memories, no regrets. I have learned more from this empty house than I ever did in the past 3 years or so. Moving out is actually something Im looking fwd to. That means a fresh start. I just want to be me again. I have mentioned this before. But some things have changed and I think Im finding her but its not to say that doesn't come with tears and whys and headaches. Maybe Ive been gone so long, I don't even know where to start. But I know these past 2 weeks I have been happier. Im just gonna say its nice to be complimented without having to ask for it. And then winning a huge award from something you did for work. I just hope to stay on this path and for now, still digging around for the old me and even if I can't find her, Im sure the new one will be just fine. 

Hope?

I recently had someone ask me how I stay so strong through every situation I have been through. I know its my faith and I know it was God. But there also was this word that kept popping in my head. Hope. There is a technical definition for the word but the definitions that some other people had were more interesting to me.

hope is holding on to something that may or may not be there 
fooling yourself into thinking it is and in turn, possibly making something happen.

To me 'hope' means the light at the end of the tunnel, the belief that things will be better, it's what inspires me to carry on. We all need some hope. Hope you have hope!

I think HOPE is nothing but a heartbreak - a falsehood invented by people to pass the time in a state of suspension.

There is a story called 'Pandora's Box'. The box was filled with all the ills of the earth. Pandora was asked to watch over the box, but not too open it. But her curiosity got the best of her and she opened it anyway. Out came all the sickness, diseases, sorrows, vices, and crimes that afflict poor humanity today. She closed the box before the last thing could get out. The last thing in the box was "HOPE". Hope begged her to let him out and finally she let HOPE out of the box, too.
Some believe HOPE is saving grace of the story, some believe HOPE is just another ill on humanity.

I paused at some of these definitions. This post has taken me a while to put together because its something I like to believe in. I don't see it as a negative but I can understand why some people do use it as a negative. It seems every time we use the word hope it goes the wrong way. Like I hope I don't have cancer. I hope I get the job. Then when they find out they have cancer or they don't get the job, that hope means something else totally. Or if they don't get cancer or they get the job, hope takes on a different meaning. 

It can be the same in any situation. You hope for the phone to ring. You hope that girl or guy likes you. You hope for something, anything. And then that hope changes whatever the outcome is. I have been dealing with this some in the last 2 weeks or so. My problem is I get my hope so high that it hurts so bad when its a negative response. But when everything goes the right way, I keep that hope. Where am I going with this? Well, we do have a hope that everyone can depend on. I hang my hope onto God. And whether I agree with that hope or not, I know its in his time but sometimes we see it on our time and thats when the hope takes negative turn. Im hoping against hope for some things but really hope turns to worry and then Ive learned that I just can't dwell on that. I have such a great life that with the edition of some things, my hopes are coming true.

To Get It Right

As I was picking out songs last week to sing for an audition for a competition that my company has, I fell across this song called " Get It Right ". I first heard it on Glee and I chose it because the audition had to be under 2 minutes. But it wasn't until I sang it when I was like oh my gosh, this is sort of where I am. This is the my audition. You can see my emotion.
After I watched the video, I could see the emotion. Whenever I choose a song to sing in church or wherever, I choose a song that I can put heart and raw emotion in. I always believed that God has given me that talent to reach people. So the songs I sing relate to my life rather in the past, present or future. 
Obviously this song really isn't a church song but a song that after I saw the video, I could not only hear the words but I could feel the words. 
In my last blog, I talked about standing still and letting God. Well, peoples its easier said than done. Its just like that song, how many times does it take to get it right? And it does feel like everything you do tumbles down no matter how hard you try. And as much as I want to write and say everything is wonderful and awesome, its not. At least not yet. I believe there has to be a breaking point in your life before you discover what you really need. Most of my breaking points happen at home randomly. As of right now, I am living in the house that Ramon and I shared for the last almost 4 years. And while his stuff is gone or out of my sight, I still will find something and it will shake me to the core. Im not here to place blame, thats not what this blog is about. But in my break downs, it due to the fact that twice now I am divorced. And while I can honestly say that I fought for both and neither was my fault, I still find ways to blame myself. And during all of the finals of my last divorce was when I was in the hospital. My poor nurse once night, watched me basically cry myself to sleep because God had given me yet another chance at life and I just don't want to screw it up. Im blessed that my job was held for me and I am working again. My supervisors are awesome and are watching me like a hawk to make sure Im doing okay. I even got a reward / certificate for my work on a video we had to do. All my coworkers ask me how I am doing and they are glad to see me back. That makes me happy=) Just to know that I was missed was a great feeling. It proved that I was making some impact even if it was a job.
Another one is my son, Drew. He came up to me last night just to kiss and hug me and tell me he loves me. I will never understand how I got so blessed to have such a wonderful son. God has definetely given me a gift in him. Now I never ask why God? Why did you let me live again? If anything, its because of him.
So while I live my last post and say I am standing still, I am however I am on my knees praying or on the couch having a breakdown. But if you don't have that breakdown and you allow yourself to shut off all of your emotions and pretend everything is okay, its only going to get worse. You HAVE to allow yourself to get to that breaking point so God can pick you up and make you whole again. 
Where do I think I am? I think I am in between breaking down and being picked back up. My crying moments are getting better and although I still am not totally the girl I want to be, I know God is there. And he is leading me wherever he wants too. I am so blessed to have such a huge family support system and a loving church family. I am blessed that I get to take part in the worship team and let God use my voice to reach people. This is what I hold on to. I hold on to God. And God holds on to me. I know there is a purpose and I will see it eventually. In Gods time. 
So for all of you who are struggling with anything, let yourself break down, whether its by yourself, in front of someone you trust or wherever, don't be afraid to let yourself go. The only thing that will happen is God will pick you up so you need to lean on him and your loved ones. 
So thats where I am. I know where I need to be but Gods helping me get there. 

Fight For You

I have tried to write this blog for a time. I have drafts over drafts but I just couldn't find the words. Most of you know I had a major surgery that kept me in the hospital for 2 weeks and then came home. A couple of days later, I went septic again. Luckily this time we caught it in time. But just to hear the doctor tell you that if I had waited any longer, I may not have made it because my body couldn't handle it again. And if I ever go septic again, my chances of survival would be low. It really doesn't sink in when they tell you that until you get home and then it sinks in then. What would have happened if I would have just waited to see if my temperature would go down. But when it hit 104.0 I knew I had to do something. I am so grateful for the nurses and doctor at SJE ER. There quick actions literally saved my life. Everyone was so calm. Even when my nurse saw my temperature at 105.3 that night, she knew I was in trouble, but she did what she had to do very calmly even though I knew that my body was going septic again. All I could think about was please God let this work. Im not through. And slowly my temp came down and each day got better and eventually came home. 

I kept thinking, God is not through with me yet. After almost dying 2 times, not as bad as the first time, I knew I had a purpose. 

At the same time, I was signing the final of my divorce papers. So it was like I came out a new person and starting a new chapter in my life. Theres a song by Sidewalk Prophets called " Help Me Find It " and I believe in this song so much.

 I don't know where to go from here 
It all used to seem so clear 
I'm finding I can't do this on my own 

I don't know where to go from here 
As long as I know that You are near 
I'm done fighting 
I'm finally letting go 

I will trust in You 
You've never failed before 
I will trust in You 


If there's a road I should walk 
Help me find it 
If I need to be still 
Give me peace for the moment 
Whatever Your will 
Whatever Your will 
Can You help me find it 

Can You help me find it 

I'm giving You fear and You give faith 
I giving You doubt
You give me grace 
For every step I've never been alone 

Even when it hurts, You'll have Your way 
Even in the valley I will say 
With every breath 
You've never let me go 

I will wait for You 
You've never failed before 
I will wait for You 


The lyrics are just so touching. And thats what Im searching for. I also am searching for who I was before everything came tumbling down with my marriages and my health. Its funny how when you pray and you ask God to place someone in your life to help you, it happens. One of very best friends, Jennifer Reed,  from grade school is still one of my very best friends, I have known her since I was 7. We could go a year without talking and then all of a sudden start talking again like had been talking for years. Thats the kind of friendship I think everyone should have. We had been texting and I was telling her about how sad it is that when I don't have Drew, I don't do anything. She starts to tell me how I need to find myself and this is the perfect time. The following is a post that she texted me and I thought I would share it given that I needed to hear it but how she hit it on the head.

LOL sometimes that's not a bad thing. But you gotta understand with me, I remember THAT girl. She's the one I knew the best. Before Chris. We were young yes, but that's still you. You just have to find her again. You were confident and you liked what you liked and wanted what you wanted and now life has been trying to slowly take that and your dreams away from you. You've fought for your marriages, you've fought for your son and lately you've even had to literally fight for your life....again....but when is it ever going to be time for you to really fight for her? The person you were before every bad thing in this world tried to take it away from you? Because I personally think, now is the time. God has given you a gift even though it might not seem it right now. And after some thought I think maybe it's all been leading you here. He allowed to see both Chris and Ramon for they really were. Not right away always, but with some time He did. And I just think maybe instead of worrying about someone else it's time to fight for and take your own life back. Just your own and just for you. I often think about what I want Dawson to see in me. What I really want him to learn from me. And I don't want it to be that I was afraid of being alone or afraid of messing up. I would much rather him be proud of me for showing strength where most people would have weakness. And I want him to know it's okay to go after your dreams and the things that matter to you, even if you fail sometimes. I just want him to be proud of me in the end. And I think showing Drew and yourself who you really are would accomplish all of that. And even more, I think you'd be proud of yourself for it too. It makes all the difference. 

It took me a while to get through because I was crying. But she always has a way to say exactly what I need to hear. So Im taking that advice, Im staying still and listening to God. And I am going to be find myself again. I want that girl back, even the girl that was with Chris. I was happy. I was involved in church. I was always willing to go to places and not afraid to do things on my own. I knew who I was. And like Jen said in her text, life was literally trying to take every part of me away. My marriages, my health. I have had to fight for all of it. And it has drained me. And I can't let that do that anymore. I have a 6 year old who loves no matter what. He is my world. He makes me smile and I know he loves me no matter what. I need to be a better mother, daughter, friend and sister. I have been hurt too much and I can't allow that to get me down. I want Drew to see his mother as a strong person that can stand up and fight through anything. 

Its going to take time, I know. But I will stand still and let God show me his will and his purpose for letting me live again. 

To everyone who prayed, or even though of me through my sickness or visited, thank you. I have no doubt that prayer and faith god me through this again. Gods not done with me yet and I can't wait to see what he has in store for me.

Catching Up...

So this past weekend I had the pleasure of catching up with an old friend. And by catching up, I mean a 3 hour phone conversation. It was one of those things that you just feel like God put that conversation there to give you hope. She has to be one of the most inspirational people I know and she never ceases to amaze me with how much she relies on God for EVERYTHING. Just to listen to her story on how she met her husband and how they paid for it was simply astounding. She is living proof that when you surround yourself with God and surrender your all, that Gods plan for you starts to unravel.
I also talked to another friend whose words sort of shook me a bit. It was something along the lines of  you need to fill yourself with God first and foremost. Between her and him, it was like Gods way of saying, Beth slow down and look to me.
I know he has a plan. I know theres someone out there for me. But I am not going to go search. When God is ready for me to meet him, he will somehow place him in my life. Who knows? I may not meet him for another month, year or years..or I may already know him. But when I get to that point of filling myself with him and giving it up to him. then I know I will be ready. I don't know how long that will be and right now I don't need to focus on that. I am not proud of being divorced twice but I can also say it wasn't me. I know God hates divorce but when you are left with no other reason then thats it.
I have been struggling with finding a good study or devotional on just using God to plan your life. But when it comes right down to it, I am also still struggling with getting over this divorce. These past 4 weeks or so have been great. I haven't shed a tear. And Im happy. I can genuinely say, Im happy. My job is wonderful. The people there do nothing but make me laugh and smile. Im impressing my bosses and everything is dandy. And I know God had a hand in that. Again, he knew I was going to need something to take my mind off of everything and with this job he has. But I still have to face him in a couple of weeks for the first time and I know its gonna be rough. So I know I still need to deal with this. Ive been going at it all wrong by just hiding my feelings inside. For those of you that read my blog , you would probably disagree, however, I never talked to anyone and just sort of cried it out. I had some time today after work so I stopped and was looking for a devotional of some sort. I wasn't sure really which one I should be looking after so I just browsed.
For those of you who attend church or maybe not, have probably heard of Celebrate Recovery. It was actually the first service I started singing at when I first started attending Calvary. It was amazing. To see the people lifting all they had to God and singing like it was they had. And for some, it may have very well been all that they had. A pastor of mine suggested that I attend a session or two after the divorce. I was hesitant given the fact that I thought it was just for people with addictions like to alcohol and drugs. etc.. I didn't need that. And I never gave it a second thought.
But as I was browsing the books, the Celebrate Recovery Devotional was sitting there like it was saying at least pick me up. And that I did. And as I read through it, I realized I was so wrong. WhatI had assumed was so far from the truth. I am starting the first chapter tonight. I may not be addicted to anything but for me its no drugs or alcohol running my life, its me. Im running the show. Im pretty sure I will come out of this a stronger Christian. And thats my prayer for me.
These 2 friends came at the right time. And while I won't mention their names, Im forever grateful.

Day 1

Well... this is it. Day 1 of my new life. No nothing new has changed but my outlook. After the last blog, I was contacted by Ramon through a Facebook message. I will not relay the contents but they were not nice. In fact if it were his point to make me feel like crap, he did so. Some of the things he said and the way he said them hit me hard. To a point to where I didn't even know who he was anymore. This whole divorce has turned ugly. And in parts, have turned me ugly in return. I don't regret any blog spots or Facebook things I have said just because. Thats who I am and I can't go back and let him question anything I have done. He hurt me bad and this last thing hurt me the worst. But it was sort of for the good. It helped me realize that all my tears were for something but not him. Now all I want to do is get this over and done and let me live my life.

This morning at church I was struck hard. Sometimes when you are listening to the message, you hear a different message that God was trying to tell you. Everything I have done or said in the last couple of months was done out of spite. I was mad and I wanted everyone to know what he did. And I did. But in all honesty, thats me. I not only wear my heart on my sleeve but my anger, happiness, anything else. Everyone will see it. I have always been that way. Not how to tame that, I am working on it. Like I said I don't regret it but in the future, I will know how to manage it better.

Back to this morning, I feel like God was trying to tell me that I need to take what has happened and burn it. Learn from it what I can, the good, and take that with me. But in no way should I have let Ramon test my faith and spirituality. I let him to get me and I doubted God so much. How he could have let me go through this again. I will know in time why. But my patience wore thin and I almost blamed him. I say almost, because things happened in between that shed some light. Ramon did a lot for me that was good. He showed me I could love again. That I could trust again. ( Although that was pretty much shattered at the end ) But I also learned that once again, I could stand tall. I could come out of this and out everything in the past. Our marriage was great. And that what I have to focus on. I can't look at him like the way I wanted everyone to look at him. Theres a song that Carolyn Dawn Johnson sang and it was basically a song about concentrating on remembering all of the good things not the bad. So for anyone reading this that is related to Ramon, a friend or Ramon himself, I will remember the good times. And even though I don't agree and that in Gods eyes, I did everything I could as a Christian and a wife could do, I did not sin. God hates divorces and so do I. But it became a one sided want and he didnt want anything else to do with me. If anything I wanted to get mad. I wanted to hate Ramon. But I couldn't. But my love for him is fading and I can now do things without thinking of him. And Im good. I am in the middle of writing a final letter to him. And its taking me almost weeks because of the wording. And because I don't want my goodbye to be a hating kind of thing. His goodbye to me,well, we won't go there. But I have to be the good person. I have prayed over and over again for me just to let this part of my life go. And I have . I think this morning God was tugging at my heart saying, I am here. And that I need to become the Christian I have always longed to be. 

Everyone always wants to be the best. I consider myself a good singer. Thats the talent that God has provided me with. I want to the best. But I want to have him move through me and place me in places that I can move through other people as well. My whole life needs to take a turn and serious turn back to God. I have let it slip and let the devil get the best of me through actions, words. etc. I can't take back what I did or what I said. I can't look at Ramon and know that what he's doing is for the best because I still disagree. But I can't change his mind. Only God can control this situation. Finally, I feel peace. As for Ramon and his family, I can only pray that God will show him peace as well. I will never know because all my ties, Im cutting off. I will only see him to finalize everything and my last goodbye is still being written. I am okay with that. Finally, I can say, I am good. I am happy. I am peaceful. And through the message, whether it was James preaching or God preaching to me, I smiled. I can't wait to see what he has in store for me. And in time, I will begin to see. And my family and Drew will being to see. In the mean time, Im concentrating on my son, my family, my job and my health. Why fight a a fight I can't win? And now I don't even want to win. I am done.

So I still have to lot to deal with but its with a smile on my face now. And God behind me. This week I have laughed and smiled more than I have in a while. And yea Im bragging about it. But even my son told me he's glad to see me smile.

I am blessed beyond belief. My sister and her family are in the for the week. And tonight we are celebrating Fathers Day by having a supper together. But I am celebrating my family. And an old friend came back to town. So thats a plus. My job is wonderful and my son is just precious beyond belief. Not to many people can say that. But I can. 

So, to everyone who has read these last couple of blogs and said prayers and words of encouragement, I can't thank you enough. Keep them coming because I still need them. I know some people hate Facebook but actually, opening my mailbox on the days I need those words, helped me more than you will ever know. So as my new life starts the blog will keep coming. And I hope you will still read and join me as I venture out with God on my side to a new destination. =)

Things that cease to amaze me

If I made this into a list it would go on and on for a while. So as you can tell this is not going to be a "sad" post but rather a " what the crap?!??!" list. You know I will never understand why Ramon did what he did. And I will never get that answer. Its funny that every time I tell someone, the first thing they say is he cheated. Now I don't want to assume anything but when you don't get a response it sort of leaves you to make up your own mind.
And it also ceases to amaze me how he can go from loving me to hating me within one day. I am trying so hard to ignore his familiy's threats, his " going off and telling his lawyer " everything and the fact that he couldn't even look me in the eye last week. Something has had to happen and I think as a wife I deserve to know. Otherwise Im gonna come up with my own reason and Im sure it would be totally different than the real reason but I will never know. So at this point, Im trying to forgive whatever he has done and forget at the same time. I am not going to let this ruin my life. I just want this to be over and done. And really at this point, I could care less what he and his family think. They never liked me anyways so now this just gives them more opportunity to make my life miserable.
What husband would do that? Even if you didn't want to be married anymore.. isn't there something inside of him that says, hey I still care enough to talk to her and tell my family to back down. But no. So now instead of crying because Im sad, Im crying because Im so angry that the man I was in love with and unfortunately still am, is watching me have these people threaten me and is okay with me being so miserable over all of this. He doenst care. What happened to the man Im married? The man who was crazy over me for years before  we even got back together? What happened? And I cant ask him because I get no answer and if I try to contact him then it goes against me.
I don't want to hate him. And it has taken prayer and reading the Bible to get me through this. All I can do is bury my thoughts into God and know he can handle this. It so unfair though. To think that he is sitting there laughing and reading this and feeling happy that I am still sort of sad, frightens me. It scares me for him. Because that is NOT him. It scares me for the man he has become. He was such a wonderful man. And now, he's not. I don't know why he's so scared to talked to me. I don't know anything anymore. All I know is Im not gonna let him and this define me.
So this was my rant. Hopefully it will be  my last!

Dont ______ right after _______

So the correct answer? Don't cut your hair right after something dramatic happens.

But I did.

I cut my hair. Did you ever hear that saying? Like don't do something major right when you are mad or sad or something... however I wold have done it anyhow. 

So one more day passes by and works still great. Got a lot of compliments today on how good I am doing and Im actually getting use of my college degree for once. And even though I don't have a degree in HR, Im gonna be involved in that as well in the coming weeks. So things are looking up ( besides the fact that I have still yet found the perfect place to park ) I parked in the employee lot for the first time and rode the shuttle over which dropped me off at the employee entrance. Which thankfully I stumbled and found my way to my department. As long as I can get to the basement I think Im good. ( Although I did get turned around trying to find the restroom today, which I ask myself. this is my 4th day and I am just now asking where the restrooms are? Hmm ) The people are great and I know, I know this is only my 4th day. The only complaint so far is getting used to using 2 monitors! 

As far as the other deal.. yep, pretty much still trying to get over that.. Part of me wants it over and now parts of me wants it put back together. I guess I am in that transitioning stage. Where Im not sure really what I want. I mean if he walked back through that door right now and asked if we could start over like almost dating again... I would without hesitation. So I don't know where I am exactly. However, I think Im finally making steps forward, baby like, really little baby steps but at least they are in the right direction right? I still want to find out what I did. I still want to talk to him but I have to just let it go. ( Temporary break for a " Frozen " moment ) The one thing that is still eating at me is he didn't even try. There were no chances because he didn't give it one chance. And if he did, he sure didn't let me know. Theres a song that Steven Curtis Chapman sings from ages ago called " Love and Learn " Now Im not gonna quote it but I will say I can't listen to it right now without crying my eyes out. Theres also a song out right now called " Restore ". Both focus on marriages and being Christ centered. I wanted a chance to get that back. But it was like someone flipped a switch in him and now hes, well I don't what he is because he's cut off all contact with me. But each and every day its getting better. I can laugh now and I can smile and not fake it. 

I don't know if he reads these. I doubt it. But he has to know this. That I love him. I wish he could figure out whatever he needs to figure out and make it right with me. Im not going anywhere at the moment. 

thanks guys=) 

Did I Go Too Far?

Did I go too far with  my emotions in the last 2 blogs? Was that me or the trembling emotions talking? Probably more emotion than me. But what is written it cannot be backspaced. It can't be undone. Well technically I could but I don't want to. If I take you all along on my journey to happiness, maybe it will  help me get stronger and help anyone else.

Now I can't say the pain is better. But I am smiling more. Even today. 4 years ago today I became engaged. And I can't think about how happy I was. And how happy we all were. I remember that day in detail. So I get past that fact and then I start watching General Hospital. Not only did I think the last time I watched the Nurses Ball, was with him, the last song that was sang and the last scenes just were too much.

I know Im healing everyday. I know God is still giving me that strength. I have never once let my faith waiver whether it was dealing with my first divorce, or through losing jobs, or or through a difficult sickness. I need him more than ever right now. And I am doing my best to let him be there. I am doing my best not to place blame on anyone. Even though I still am clueless and have no closure. I can't place blame on Ramon . All I really want is a simple conversation.

One of my friends told me to " fake it till you make it:." I love it but I on the line. Sure I don't want to him to see how miserable I am. I want him to see me happy. I want him to see how happy this job is making me. I want him to see me with Drew. I want him to see how much I am trying to take care of myself. And the house. And everything else. But on the flip side, I want him to know I still need him. That I still love him. I don't want him to think Ive moved on.

But with prayer, faith and my family I will move on. Whether he comes back or not, its his and Gods hands. Until then, my focus goes to God, singing and let other people see him through me, my family, and my son and mostly me.

Again, I don't want anyone to think Im writing this to get sympathy for for anyone to feel sorry for me. But I want to share my journey. There are so many other peoples stories out there that Im sure have touched others, I hope mine will. Of course its going to be a while, but just getting these words out of my head and heart and onto here is a huge accomplishment for me. People are always going to judge you for what you do. You can't let them get you down.

Im not saying that Im done with the crying. Or done with just being plain mad. Or done with thinking about him. But hopefully that diminish over the next weeks or so. So until then, I hope you stick with following my blog and my journey to peace and comfort. And again, prayers are always welcome.

=)

Where To Go From Here

I can't say that each day gets easier. I can't say that I don't break down and cry at the very thought of him. I can't tell you that taking down all of our pictures in the house was easy and down with a a dry eye. I can't tell you I don't start crying even on Facebook when I run upon a picture of us, even the pictures we took the Sunday before he left. I look around and see him everywhere. I wake up in the middle of the night and the other half of the bed is empty and it seems like my arms stretch for miles just trying to find him. I still wait for that door to open and it be him.I hear a song that takes me back to a time with him. I just can't say anything.

I wish I could give details on what happened. I wish I had those details. But when you are married to someone over 3 years and known them almost all of your life, and then all of a sudden they are gone, it hurts. I haven't heard from him. I haven't seen him. He refuses to talk to me. How can someone just run out of your life like that? My son had surgery and the least he could have done was to ask how he was. I know he loved Drew and I know Drew loved him. Every night we say our prayers and Drew asks God to bring him back to us. That kid is something else. He's been stronger through this than I have honestly. 

I would bring up the fact that his whole family has dismissed me. Almost like I don't exists. I don't know what I did But not only did I lose him but I lost another family who just refuses to talk to me as well. 

As far as Ramon goes, I don't even know. I don't know if he's afraid to come back and talk. I really don't know. I can't ask anyone because nobody responds. Its like I didn't even exist. I just wish someone would tell me he's okay. I do still care about him. In my mind thought, he doesn't care about me or Drew anymore. And I have to let that go. And just know God is looking over us. Ive been hurt so much. The scars on my heart can tell the stories. I just want to know that part of him is hurting. Just a bit. That he does recognize I was and still his wife at the moment. I just want to hear him. Even if its a simple conversation. And as far as these counselors go ( that are not Christian based) and told him to not even consider going to marriage counseling, well if I have words for them. But I will ekkp this G Rated. 

I know it will get better. Going through this divorce is going to be tough. But I have great family, a new awesome job and faith and my God who has his hands on me and Drew each and every day. I just pray that Ramon feels God too. I fear that he's gonna lose that relationship with him. 

Thanks for the prayers and words of encouragement. You all really don't know what that means to me. 

My left ring finger is so much lighter now

Before anyone asks... yes me and Ramon are in the middle of a divorce. The reason.. well your guess is as good as mine. He packed and up and left all of a sudden on the 21st and then I receive an email from him a week later saying he was done. Then filed for a divorce. Yes people, my marriages ended through an email. He won't talk or listen to me. And I haven't seen him in over 3 weeks. But you can only imagine what is going through my head at the moment.

Im going to keep this one pretty short because I don't want to say anything I will regret later. If anything I will say after almost 4 years of marriage, I was blind sided. Im upset. Im mad and probably every emotion in between. I have no closure basically because I got an email.. at least I deserved in person on on the phone. Drew and I would appreciate your prayers as we struggle with this. And I guess for Ramon as well. I don't know where he is or what happened.

Thanks.

Forcing to go to church?

Ive been seeing this blog thats been going around for the last couple of days. Its title " Why I Would Never Force my Kids to go to Church"
Check it out here!
The title was intriguing enough for me to read and after I was done I thought to myself how true that was!
I got to thinking about my childhood. My parents were both raised in church and actually met in church. Therefore, you can imagine my sister and I were " forced " to go to church as children. I can so vividly remember waking up on Sunday mornings and going in to the living room, getting on the couch, putting my gown over my legs and burying my head in the pillow to block the light until it was time to eat and get dressed. I would always say a prayer that my parents would say," Oh, we aren't going today. You can go back to bed." But God never heard THAT prayer... When did parents start trumping God? =) I also remember my cousins lived diagonally from us and every Sunday they were forced to do the same thing. They had to go past our church to get to theirs. And every Sunday we would leave about the same time. If we were leaving and their door was opened , or vise-versa, we would call because that usually meant someone was sick.  ( They were also active in their church and my aunt and uncle are watching their children still go  to church along with their grandson! )   And that was really the only reason we ever stayed home on a Sunday morning, Sunday night or Wednesday night.My parents were both involved in teaching and me and my sister were part of choir and groups and Sunday School. We went to VBS at our church and my cousins church. Now I used the word forced but I want to say that I use that loosely. I can't ever remember hating church. I liked it on Sunday nights and Wednesday nights because I didn't have to get up. But I ended up loving it. I was saved at a camp but I got baptized in that church. ( In which I fell down the stairs first and was already wet before I got dunked in the water  ) I made friends and loved the small church atmosphere.
Skip to many years later, after some bumps along the way, Im still involved in church. There were times after I moved out of my parents and got married that I didn't feel forced to go. I wanted to go. However I started to see my current spouse as the parent, forcing me to go some Sundays that I don't want to.
That got me to thinking... I sing about 3 Sundays a month in different campuses and services for Calvary. I love it and wouldn't have it any other way. But the Sunday Im "off" we usually go to the first service and I can enjoy it with my family. The Sundays which I have Drew, we make him go. He argues sometimes, but never regrets it when he gets there. He loves singing and honestly loves learning about God. Even at 6, he's already quoting verses and asking more and more about God. When Im having a bad day, he will come and love on me. And that just shows me that God is working through this child and that Im doing the same thing that my parents did for me. Even though he doesn't go when he is with dad, Ramon and I are still laying a strong foundation for him. And I can only pray that his love for God and church will grown and that one day, I will seel him doing the same with his kids.
But there are Sundays that I don't want to go. I don't want to get up because I want to sleep ( And we all know I get a plenty of sleep during the week due to the whole not having a job thing ) Thats when my spouse becomes a past parent. He forces me to get up and go. And when I do, I don't regret it.
Our wedding vows didn't mention church. They didn't mention that one spouse was to force the other one to go somewhere when they didn't want to. But the vows didnt have to read this. My husband was bought up the same way. If it weren't for him, I would have never heard half of the sermons that I really needed to hear.
So parents, go to church. Make your kids go. And spouses, rely on each to force one to go. God depends on us to make a difference while were here on Earth and what a great way to start=)